Vacation Danger (434 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.66 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange <jimmyd274.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-04-23 08:31:19 EDT
Every Summer, like moths attracted to the radiant glow of an incandescent light, we pack up and drive several hours to the edge of our respective land masses until the geography physically inhibits us from driving any farther. Then we put on bathing suits and run on foot through the sand until the land ends altogether. Do we stop at this point, now that our natural terrain is no longer under our feet? No; we begin swimming. We swim and swim and swim as far as we can until finally the lifeguard blows his little whistle and motions to us that we've gone out too far. Who knows why we're magnetically drawn to the ocean but these fifteen year-olds and their plastic whistles are the only thing keeping man from drowning himself by the vanful. I'm not saying we shouldn't visit the beach every now and then. I'm just saying we should be a little more apprehensive about something so unnatural, just the way that a fish would be a little hesitant about a rock climbing.
While the "lemming" tendencies that we inherit at the beach and has been known to cause herpes, there is another danger that is ever present in the ocean: sharks. There were 51 shark attacks in the entire United States last year. Remarkably, not one of these took place in a landlocked state. This is most likely because the sharks fell asleep while entertaining the thought of biting somebody in a place like South Dakota.
However, it's not like these attacks are unwarranted: We have been using their habitat as a urinal for the past several hundred years. If three adolescent sharks just waltzed right into your house and started pissing everywhere, you'd probably think to bite back too. You'd also probably think "It's impressive that they know how to waltz" and "I bet they know the Electric Slide too." Well you'd be wrong. Anyway, I've come up with a few safety guidelines that I think should help you avoid shark attack at the beach: (Aimed mostly at Americans and Aussies)
1.) Always swim with a buddy...who is chubbier and slower than your self.
2.) Wait at least 30 minutes to swim after eating a quarter pound of Crawfish.
3.) Force your little brother to wear a sign labelled "Fun Size."
4.) Dress as Richard Dreyfus...I think they've all seen the movie.
5.) Wear a shirt with an arrow pointing to the right that reads "I'm With Tasty."
6.) Try living somewhere with shitty weather and less sharks like the UK, at least you get a decent economy...
7.) If you happen to know that a shark is on your tail, start swimming around under water and eat some raw fish. (this can be remembered with the easy rhyme "Stop, drop, and eat some raw fish.")
Hopefully I've forewarned you about some of the evils you'll be encountering at the beach. However, I must also alert you to one last vacation danger which I noticed at a hotel. I believe it to be the leading cause of death for men ages 97-104. This "sauna" or, "the black widow " as those at the Shady Grove Retirement Home call it, is dangerous because it seduces the seniors into its death chamber with promises of relaxation and clear pores. However, once in the room, the old people are transformed into the prunes on which they are so fond of munching. Many hotels offer saunas and claim to be in the dark about their dangers. As if they don't know that being locked, with very little oxygen, in a room fashioned after a convection oven isn't the best activity for a 98 year-old man with heart conditions. There should be warning signs on every steam room stating that if you're presently taping Matlock and/or if you know off hand the name of the current Jeopardy champion, you are not permitted in. If you violate this rule, you will be thrown in jail where your only visitors will be tiny metal household objects who pass by as they gallop around the board snatching up your properties and buying your hotels.
User Reviews
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-04-24 10:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad I go to Luxemburg for my vacation, thanks!!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 16:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-23 16:03:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
I never seem to get many reviews but all the ones I get are good which is alright I guess...
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Ditto, once your name gets known you'll get more reviews.
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-23 16:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I never seem to get many reviews but all the ones I get are good which is alright I guess...
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-23 14:23:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give you the benefit of the doubt that you wrote this.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-04-23 14:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Didn't go where I was expecting it to, but some parts were well phrased.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-23 13:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You've got a nice turn of phrase. I like that.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 12:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Because I can, bitch.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-23 10:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Was a 0 until the Matlock reference.