Rehnquist Returns From the Dead (363 hits)
Category: NewsRating: -2 on 7 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by KindaNews (View user info) at 2006-04-23 20:20:43 EDT
Scalia dissents, "No right to die and rise again."
WASHINGTON, D.C.- Former Chief Justice William Rehnquist rose from the grave today, angered by speculation he would remain dead for the foreseeable future. "I'm a changed man," he said, getting no argument from the gaggle of reporters holding their noses. "Had a long talk with Jesus, and he set me straight on some things. Abortion, Bush v Gore, you name it." Antonin Scalia released a statement calling the resurrection clearly unconstitutional, saying it would lead to the legalization of prostitution, gay marriage, and masturbation. When informed masturbation was not illegal, Scalia lunged at a reporter, but had reached the end of his chain. He then retired under the porch to lick his privates.
President Bush remained noncommittal as to whether a decision had been made to re-appoint Rehnquist to the court, saying, "I want to thank Rennie for his service, but frankly, he smells like New Orleans, and we've got Johnny Roberts now, plus the old lady from down the hall. What's that? Oh, then what's-his-name. Likes baseball."
Leading conservatives seemed shocked by Rehnquist's new liberal stance, and Pat Robertson promised to pray him right back underground. Democrats were equally mystified. Calls to Ted Kennedy's office went unreturned, but sources say he was rushed to Bethesda Medical Center, complaining of chest pains and muttering "She's still dead, right? Mary Jo's not coming back, right?"
User Reviews
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MrSparkle847
My ass is burning.
You're telling me. Sparkles, move a little to your left, honey. Right there. Goooood.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My ass is burning.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see you STIXS. You don't look at all like your pics on myspace.
Submitted by KindaNews (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:33:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doodles, you're just like all the rest. Real tough in front of your buddies.
But I've felt your tears wash down the crack of my ass!
Brute!
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:28:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This would be funny on The Onion.
Oh wait...
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One more time, and I'll find you
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-23 20:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK OFF!