IGKTW - Round 1: Verisimilitude (558 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.59 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (View user info) at 2006-04-24 10:56:25 EDT
Nothing drove me crazier than the silent treatment. She knew it, too.
"C'mon, Katie...say something! Anything...please?" I half-heartedly muttered as we lay in bed with the lights off, too weary from fighting to stay entirely awake, but too anxious to fall asleep. The old, comfortable mattress hadn't seen any pleasure activities for over five months. As usual, the oversized red satin sheets spilled off the side of the bed and onto my side of the floor.
Katie tugged the sheet back towards her, dragging the down comforter along with it as she rolled onto her side facing away from me. Not even a few minutes of cuddling or spooning tonight...which was totally unlike her. Katie always wanted that - even if I didn't care one way or the other.
"So, is it true?" She finally speaks, her tear-choked voice dripping with icy anger. "Almost five years of marriage and you're THAT miserable with it?"
I sighed in exasperation. "Honey, were you even listening at the counselor's office? Just because the thought of divorce passes through my head now and then, doesn't mean I'm going to actually ACT on that thought and do..."
"Shut up!" she spat and moved further away from me. "So you felt OBLIGATED to marry me? Because we had sex before marriage? That was stupid. I would've gotten over it, you know."
No, she wouldn't have, and I knew it. The tears were now fully permeating through her anger and gave way to open crying. Boy, did I regret telling her that. Should've known she wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle it. But I just can't keep up this act of verisimilitude any longer. She's got to know what lies beneath the veil. "Look, like I said, that's just ONE of the reasons I decided to marry you! I chose you because I loved you...and I still do," I responded. At least, most of the time, I do, my mind echoed in silence. Heh, there I go again, not being completely honest with her.
"Oh, really? Are you sure about that?"
"Of course, honey," my mouth replied. But my conscience felt otherwise. Fuck all if I know what I want anymore. I've been catering to her ever since we started dating, and it would take an act of God to get my personal needs met at this point.
Funny thing is, the counselor was right - at this point, we're at the critical juncture. Either we work it out, or we don't. And he acknowledging that discussing possible divorce was the first step on the path to the dreaded D-word.
"I won't fight you on it," Katie had said, "if that's what you really want. But I won't be the one to initiate it. I still love you."
Oh, like I want to be the bad guy here and serve the papers? Please. I know better. The broken families and juvenile delinquents from my past are proof in the pudding of the damage that divorce does. Lord knows I don't want ruined relationships with all of our friends, not even with her parents and sister.
Never mind that we're both in the wedding of two of our closest friends in only a few months. How fair would it be to ruin their special day...for two people that are undoubtedly right for each other? Seems awfully selfish of me.
But then, my mom, and Heather and Paula have always said "Take care of yourself first. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't help anyone else. Do what's best for YOU, no matter what."
And she's been driving me nuts for at least the past two of the five years. Anxiety. Obsessive-compulsive behaviors and thoughts. Impulse spending and eating. Lack of self-esteem. All of which has ruined more of my relationships with old friends than I can count on one hand, never to be restored again. Never mind that I'm stuck in this hateful job to support her.
How long can I let this continue before I say "enough's enough?" At what point does the promise "for better or for worse" become meaningless? I don't want to inflict that kind of pain on her or anyone else that divorce brings.
But the only other way out of this now would be if she died in a freak accident. Then I could get back to a normal life, no guilt on my hands...right?
Unfortunately she's too smart to put herself in that kind of situations, and damn the consequences if I'll be responsible for getting us both in an accident that puts her in the grave.
"So...are you sure you still love me?" Katie whimpers, bringing me back to reality. "You haven't answered me for five minutes."
"Of course," I say after a second's hesitation, exhaling heavily through my nose. "I told you that a million times already."
Do I...really? I don't know anymore.
Lord, help me, or I'm gonna kill that woman.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:34:55 (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to raise the stakes. It's good to use episodes from your own life in your work, but usually just as the base. Re-imagine that talk with Mrs. Captain, and then think of something that would have made it twice as bad; twice as difficult for you. Do the same for the female character, and you might have something there.
I would have gone +1.5 but I'm gonna offset this person
This is raw and quite full of emotion, most of it painful. It's a little too close to home for me and I hate that marriage is disposable but the piece as it stands is well done. Good luck to you thorns. B
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-26 15:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KILL HER
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-26 15:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Just because I vent through storytelling does NOT mean I condone manslaughter.
That doesn't mean the story has to suck.
Re-read my advice. Seriously, it would improve your story.
A beginning writer always shows his work before it's ready.
Don't worry about it.
Writing is re-writing.
You can make that story better.
I know you can.
Plus, they would call it murder because you wrote about it before you killed her, hence; premeditation.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So with you through that
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-26 08:26:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doodies, you really are an ass. Just because I vent through storytelling does NOT mean I condone manslaughter.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-25 21:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Actually, I like the fact that it's drawn from real life.
Would you really kill your wife?
Would you write about it on Uber?
Does she read Uber?
That's your story.
A guy who goes on a web site to bitch about his wife/life and finds himself reborn when he writes a story about killing her.
Then he's not such a douche, and their marriage is good again.
But the wife reads it, they argue, and he actually kills her.
So the story that saved his marriage takes her life.
And he already let thousands of people read the story of how he killed her before he actually did it.
Then you end with some fucking harmonica music in the death house, or something.
At the very least, it's an Alfred Hitchcock presents.
This is what I meant before about expanding on real life.
Most people's real lives are boring.
So spice it up, man.
Extrapolate!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-25 20:34:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What the Sac said...
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V
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-25 20:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I read this earlier, I was thinking 1.5. I wish I could articulate my reasoning better, but I think it was something about the fact that in a way, I detected a little more anger, blame and self-pity in your character- the references to being stuck in a job, and talk of accidents- than the kind of more "character as blameless victim" emotion sometimes brought about by more traditional blues pieces. I know the emotions I mentioned are also common to these types of pieces, and not all blues characters are innocent or blameless, but something about this didn't strike the right chord with me.
I just reread, along with the comments. Some might disagree with me, but the fact that it is based on real life events seems to forgive my earlier issues with it. It's raw, and it's very current- so it makes sense that these sorts of feelings would be running through your 'character's' head, and that without benefit of retrospect or resolution, it's easy to have less sympathy for him. And turmoil in marriage is definitely cause for the blues. It was brave of you to share this. Best of luck, Thorny.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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doesn't know how to respond
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:11:39 (#)
Ranking: 1
I fucking hate the main character, not that you did a bad job with him...I just don't like him.
would you use the word 'permeate' in life or in internal dialogue?
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Actually, yeah, I do use that word now and then in real life...sometimes in song lyrics, mostly when I want an adjective for "pass through" or "break through."
FYI, not that any offense was intended - or taken - but the main character here is me, if you hadn't seen my earlier comments from yesterday. I can dig it though - I've always got growing to do.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:11:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:11:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I fucking hate the main character, not that you did a bad job with him...I just don't like him.
would you use the word 'permeate' in life or in internal dialogue?
1.5 Thorny
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:23:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5 here.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Silly rabbit..."counselors" ain't got no place in the blues.
Kidding...I'd liked to have seen this be about twice as long, and maybe drawn out to show the narrator choosing how and when to kill her, really dedicating to the idea.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-04-25 09:49:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-25 07:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Set a scene and then didn't really go anywhere.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Using the contest title in the story is cheating.
No it isn't.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-24 15:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was pretty raw. This can definitely be encapsualted under the banner of "hard times" and the rules state that you must stick to the theme which I feel you have done.
I thought it was a good piece of work.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:34:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You need to raise the stakes. It's good to use episodes from your own life in your work, but usually just as the base. Re-imagine that talk with Mrs. Captain, and then think of something that would have made it twice as bad; twice as difficult for you. Do the same for the female character, and you might have something there.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:53:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:46:09 (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry dude. This sounded like a typical marriage to me. My bad.
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's okay. Bubba would probably kick my ass no matter what I wrote anyway, and I had all of an hour this morning at work to get something written prior to the deadline.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sorry dude. This sounded like a typical marriage to me. My bad.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:36:43 (#)
Ranking: 1
Good. But didn't completely click with the themes, 1.5
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:14:34 (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a nice slice Cap, but I don't think it connected to the theme very much.
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How does this NOT connect with the theme "hard times?" It's about hard times in a marriage.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:37:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And there...
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Good. But didn't completely click with the themes, 1.5
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a nice slice Cap, but I don't think it connected to the theme very much.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:27:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgot to add the disclaimer: names changes to protect the innocent, primarily Mrs. Thorns.
This event occurred last Wednesday night, and I still haven't decided how to handle the situation.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:04:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Missed a +2 there
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:03:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.75
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:02:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:02:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this. However, I didn't feel it was quite 'bluesy' enough for me.
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2006-04-24 11:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Swank.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 10:56:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Contest round 1 link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86802