Ok, Fine. IGKTW Round One: Big Tits and Star Wars (Repost for retards) (628 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.25 on 9 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Doodies (View user info) at 2006-04-24 12:57:18 EDT
I gave Denise her first and last fucking orgasm, and I do mean fucking orgasm, on opening day of the final Star Wars flick.
Revenge of the Something-Or-Other. Or Return of the Whatever-It-Is. I'm really not sure. I was never much into Star Wars. Not like Denise. Too bad she never lived to see it.
They stopped the film after all the trouble started, but it seemed like a long time before the projectionist realized what was going on. She might be alive today if that asswipe in the booth had been more on the ball. Come to think of it, he might be alive, too, if he'd just hit the button quicker. Which brings us back to Denise.
If I'd hit her button a little quicker, maybe none of this would have happened.
We'd only been dating a month or so and she'd already started to get on my nerves. Chicks'll do that. I met her at a farmer's market. One of those places where snooty people with money go on weekends to dicker with snooty people without money. The people with money feel good because they're getting vegetables without preservatives, and the people without money feel good because they piss on the produce. Really. I saw it happen.
Denise and I were on our way home about five one morning, and I decided to be a romantic fuck for once in my life and get her a flower from the place we first met, after which I planned to take her to my place and yank her petals off one by one. She loves it fast-She loves it slow-She loves it fast-She loves it slow. Anyway, I pulled over when I saw the guys setting up the market. It was still dark and they were unloading trucks, so nobody noticed me hop the gate. Long story short, just on the other side of one of the flower trucks were two guys standing next to some crates of vegetables. I came up behind them, and asked if I could get some flowers. Neither guy turned around, so I walked closer, and they were both standing there with their dicks out, pissing on the produce. I just stood there, looking at them with my mouth open like I wanted to be next or something. "What'd you say, man? I couldn't hear," one pisser said, casually. "Nothing. Just...passing through," I said, which made me sound like a dingus in one of those old westerns. "I'll just mosey along now that I know my neighbors are eating pesticide free, urine soaked vegetables.
'Clean your plate, kids, there's children in Africa who'd kill for a taste of migrant pee on their dinner.'"
Actually, both of the guys were white, but it sounds better if they were Mexican farm workers. Gives 'em more of a right, you know? Like you could maybe give 'em a pass. I can't imagine anybody but a white guy doing something like that, anyway.
White people have more free time to think up sick shit like that. Anyway, I beat it out of there and went home. No flowers for my flower. She was drunk, anyway.
Barely got her in the door before she threw up and passed out.
I was almost too creeped out to fuck her. But I just turned her over and I barely smelt that expensive lasagna thing she always ordered.
Where was I? Oh, yeah. Anyway, one of the reasons she was starting to get on my nerves was because she was so honest. I mean, she never lied. You'd think that would be a good thing, but it's really not. Think about it. Forget the old does-this-dress-make-me-look-fat stuff. It's everything. How many times a day does some store clerk or somebody ask you how you're doin', not expecting anything resembling a truthful answer. For one thing, they don't care how you are. And why should they? You barely know each other.
The next time someone like that asks how you are, tell 'em the cancer's spread to your asshole.
Then watch the look on their face. Most people'd rather you hit 'em over the head with a shovel than tell them something like that. I mean, what can you say? So, wherever we went, if somebody asked Denise how she was, she would launch into some well-my-mom-has-early-alzheimers-we-think-and-my-dad-is-getting-fed-up-and-I've-been-so-stressed-I-missed-my-period-last-month-and-the-doctor-says-worry-is-what-kills-people-more-than-anything-but-we're-excited-because-we're-going-to-see-Revenge-Of-The-Shitheads-or-whatever-the-fuck-it's-called and you get the idea. She just wasn't normal. Maybe it wasn't the honesty, though. Maybe she just talked too much.
But she had beautiful tits.
Which is important to every guy, no matter what they say. Except gay guys, I guess. But they probably play with each other's tits, don't they? If I was gay, I would. I'd probably fiddle around up there as long as possible so I wouldn't have to put that fucking thing in my mouth. And forget my ass. No way no how. I'd make a terrible fag. Anyways, a guy that says tits don't matter is just not being straight (ha-ha). And Denise had beautiful big tits. All natural. Not that I care, of course. No guy does.
Implants are fine with all guys.
Oh, they'll tell their girlfriends a different story. Usually, the girlfriend will spot some big plastic tits at a party and whisper to her boyfriend, "Those are fake," completely unaware he spotted those same tits ten minutes ago and was sneaking looks as often as he could get away with. But the guy will always say, real casual like, "Oh, yeah?" as if he just noticed them and the last thing he thinks about are tits, anyway, "unless they're yours, honey." The girlfriend will then press the issue, and say something like, "Do you like fake ones?" after which she'll glance down at her own chest.
The guy, for a brief moment, will actually consider telling her the truth, and shouting at the top of his lungs "Oh, yeah, baby, the bigger the better if you get implants it will make me the happiest man on earth because your ass is a little wide but bigger tits will really even it out and I'll do whatever you say till I'm dead cause yours are a little droopy, too, so why oh why don't you just balance out your big fat ass with some big fake tits and get the number of a surgeon who takes mastercard now that's priceless baby!"
But what he actually says is, "Not really."
He just briefly wondered if possibly she was thinking about getting implants and if so can he help her make the right decision. And as much as he wants that, he knows he can't say it cause she'll nail him with all that 'don't you love me the way I am' crap.
Because people are not honest. Which is good. But Denise was. Which is bad. But she had big tits. Which is good. Really big tits. Which is better. So what could I do, but pretend to like her?
Sorry about that. I got off on her tits. I was trying to tell you about her last hours. Dishonesty and tits played a big part. Her lack of the former and abundance of the latter are what killed her, I'm convinced. Because if Denise could tell a lie, and had smaller tits, she'd be alive today. No shit.
The problem is orgasms. Not mine, theirs. Women's in general and Denise's in particular. She didn't have them. She never had them. Not during intercourse. Fucking Denise could not get an orgasm from fucking. No matter what we did, what we tried, she would never come. She came, of course, but only when I ate her, and that doesn't count. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind it, aside from the neck pain, and I'm a good pussy eater, too. Got my technique down and everything. But I can't stay in the basement all night. Sometimes, you just wanna go straight to the lobby.
The problem is most women feel they're entitled to orgasms. Like it's their fucking birthright.
These are the ones that are always talking about their vaginas.
Women who love to talk about their vaginas and periods and stuff in public with men around. I always keep a poker face as if I just love to hear about all their plumbing problems. The fact is that men are scared of that shit because we don't understand it.
I didn't even know a woman had a separate pee hole till I was thirty. I thought it came out with the shit.
But these same women have an achilles cunt. It's what makes them so angry. Aside from using the word cunt, that is.
And that is: some of them can't come from vaginal intercourse.
This makes them mean and sometimes lesbian.
Some of them, thank God, are embarrassed and blame themselves.
This is fantastic, because they'll just fake the orgasm. It's the perfect solution. All you have to do is tell them you're close, and they'll go into their act so they can fake it before you pull out and go to sleep. All the guy has to do is not ask any questions. Very important. No questions at all. Because some of these women want to tell you, but they're waiting for the right time. Let them wait! Asking a question could trigger a conversation, and then all hell breaks loose. Don't do it! Fortunately, Denise talked so much that she usually didn't notice if I nodded off, so I could usually sleep through most of our serious talks.
So, while I pretended it didn't bother me when Denise couldn't come, it really did. She told me she never came that way, and I believed her because she was so honest, but it still bugged me. I never had that problem before. I could always make a woman fake an orgasm. Not Denise. She just couldn't do it. Which pissed me off to no end. But her tits kept me from leaving. Every time I thought I was out, they pulled me back in. The size of the breast is proportional to a man's capacity for patience. Men will stay in a bad relationship for years if the tits are big enough. Denise knew this, too. EMP. Extra mammary perception. She knew, if we were arguing, all she had to do was raise her shirt and I would shut right up and start suckling, like Pavlov's baby. But she annoyed me so much I really wanted to break up with her. Then, one day it hit me. I knew how I could escape her tits' powerful gravitational force.
I had to make her come.
I had to do what no man had done before.
I had to fuck her right.
I figured the day of the Star Wars premiere was a good day since she was so excited about seeing it, her juices would be flowing. I was so anxious to get rid of her I was willing to take sloppy seconds from George Lucas. I went over to her apartment, where she was all excited and dressing quickly, not like the usual fashion glacier she was before a night on the town. When I came in she was in her black bra and panties, rushing around like a Klingon with her head cut off. I know that's Star Trek, but you freaks are all the same. She was starting to pull on these really tight black jeans which take about three days to peel off, when I made my move. I grabbed her and jammed my tongue so far down her throat I tickled her urethra, which, of course, I now knew about.
I reached into her panties and felt the everglades in July. Thanks, George Lucas!
Normally, at this point, of course, I would take off her bra and play with my toys awhile. This serves two purposes. A, it's a lot of fun for me, and B, it technically qualifies as foreplay, so the woman can't complain I'm riding 'cross the desert on a rhino's horn again. Being women, they'll complain anyway, but by that time you should be fast asleep dreaming of someone with bigger tits.
Anyway, Denise was as hot as I'd ever seen her, so I pushed her back onto the bed and turned her over.
I pulled her thong aside like I see in all the pornos I get for free ever since my neighbor went on vacation last summer and I spliced into his cable box, and I jammed in my light saber.
My plan was to give her a reach around while I pumped her from behind.
I saw that on cable, too, although I don't know how they do all that stuff with just normal arm length. They must have torture contraptions like they use in China to lengthen bones (no pun intended) for porno stars so they can reach all the goods while they fuck. Also, with civilians, things are always getting in the way, like stomachs.
Denise started moaning that we were gonna be late for the movie, so I pumped even faster, diddling her with my left hand and shoving her face down in that ugly comforter her mom gave her for her birthday with my right.
Her mom didn't like it when I just gave her a card, but what kinda present are you supposed to buy when you've only just met someone and barely fucked them twice? I've decided, from now on, when I first meet a woman, to find out when her birthday is right away. If it's coming up, I'll check out someone else.
Who wants to feel obligated to buy something for someone before you've even come down their throat, which with some chicks is three or four dates nowadays?
I had to switch hands, because I diddle better with my right, and when I let go of her neck, Denise raised her head, panting and moaning, and said, "The movie...starts...at eight."
I shoved her head back down and pumped even harder.
Fast, too. I was like the energizer rapist.
Speaking of which, let's talk about rape. I have a secret for all the ladies. It's exciting for us guys. Not an actual rape, of course, but pretend rape. Like in the movies.
Jodie Foster is not really my type cause she seems way too smart, but show me a man who didn't get a boner when she was spread out on that pinball machine and I'll show you a deaf, dumb, and blind guy. Pinball Wizard, hell.
I'll John Hinkley that ass.
So everything was working. Industrial Light and Magic took care of the foreplay, I was sportin' a major diamond cutter because of the play rape, and I could lean over and rest on her back if I got tired, all without missing a stroke. This went on for quite some time, but she didn't come. Every time I got tired and eased up, Miss MovieFone popped off, which would rile me up and give me the energy to push on. And push on I did. After an eternity of at least twenty minutes, it finally happened. I felt her back arch, and she started bucking like Debra Winger except without the country music. Her arms were flailin' around and she actually reached back and got her finger up my nose. I remember briefly thinking with her dexterity, she could do porno. Now some men will make a mistake at this point. When the woman is close, they think they have to go faster or harder.
I say stay the course, no matter what happens, like George Bush in Iraq.
When it was finally over, I collapsed on top of her. My legs were weak, I was out of breath, and I really had to fart. Normally, I would just release, but for some reason I felt I should hold back in honor of the occasion. First orgasm that counts. We both laid there, drained, and when our breathing was finally normal again, I peeled my chest from her back and stood up.
What a beautiful sight.
A half naked, freshly fucked woman whose tits were so big I could see them from behind.
They were squashed against the bed, but still. Better yet, she was speechless. The only thing she said on the way to the movie was "We've got to do that again sometime." Yeah, right. After Michelangelo pulled the tarp offa David, some wise ass in the back probably yelled, "Encore!"
Fuck that. This was my masterpiece. I planned to quit while I was ahead. I barely even noticed that I didn't come. Go figure.
We were too late for the eight o'clock show, so we got in line for the ten, but even then the morons were snaked around the corner. We were last in line. But I guess everybody's last in line when they first get into one. Something to think about. Just before the line started moving, a couple walked by and said, "How you doing", and Denise just said "Fine," and snuggled against me. I remember thinking, hey, what my grandma told me every Christmas really is true.
Most women just need a good fuck.
We were two of the last people they let into the theater, and we wandered around looking for two seats together. We walked up and down the aisle several times, like when you keep checking the fridge for something to eat instead of just going to the grocery store.
There was nothing together, and I was ready to leave, but Denise wanted to stay. I asked her if she'd mind if we just saw it the next day, and I could see she was almost ready to tell a polite lie and say she didn't mind. But she just couldn't do it.
My masterful fuck was wearing off already.
The orgasm I gave her did not change her life. Damn!
So I sat in the middle of the middle, and Denise walked down the aisle towards a seat close to the front. She kept stopping and waving to me. I hate that shit, so I pretended not to see her. This just made her keep stopping, turning, and waving even more. The woman next to me poked her boyfriend and whispered, "Those are fake." He replied casually, "Oh, yeah?"
I almost turned to her and said, "They're real, you know-it-all cunt and I know because I just fucked her good and hard and gave her her first orgasm from vaginal intercourse which you bitches are always screaming about and have you ever noticed that a man's dick fits real natural-like into your mouth but a guy's mouth is an awkward fit on your pussy so why don't you get real like her tits and shut up and blow me."
But I didn't.
So everyone in the theater got a real nice look at the girl with the big tits who was the last person to sit down.
The rest of the night is kind of a blur, but about 30 minutes in I heard Denise scream out, and I saw her big breasted silhouette stand up. "Damn," I thought. "I should fuck her again before I break up with her." Then two other silhouettes swarmed her, and she yelled "They're eating me!" I decided I would definitely fuck her again, because somehow the thought of a girl so horny she'd let two Star Wars geeks lick her pussy in public turned me on a little. Is that constitutional, yelling cunnilingus in a crowded theatre? As I pondered this, I realized they were really eating her. She was still screaming, but now it was muffled. Then someone else started screaming, and all hell broke loose. The projectionist kept the film going for the longest time, which kept most of the morons in their seats even after the lights came on and we could see all the zombies. If that stupid kid had shut the film off a little sooner and then beat it the hell out of there, he probably wouldn't have lost his entrails on that little stairway that leads up to the projection booth. People were getting swarmed left and right, so I grabbed a heavy purse off some dead bitch's shoulder and started playing whack a mole, only with zombies, stepping and dodging and looking for Denise.
By the time I got to her, she had been pretty much torn apart.
She had that glassy look you get before you puke up ten shots of tequila. I reached down tenderly, squeezed her breasts one last time, and then got the hell outta there. I damn near got eaten myself.
And that's why I fuckin' hate Star Wars. Too many zombies.
User Reviews
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like your style. Keep it up.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So proprietary! I just like the acronym.
I've
Got
Kiddies
To
Whup!
I won't use it anymore if it's so upsetting for you.
I thought you children liked to play.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Entertaining for a while, I'll give you that, but you get to the end and it's like WTF? Why'd I read that...
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:44:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:41:37 (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better. Also, unless you're an alter, I don't think you signed up for this competition. Care to clarify?
What gives? This happened in the Ubertines as well, someone posted using the contest name/acronym. If this is an attempt to garener hits you're going about it all the wrong way. These contests draw the folks who are in them and a handful of others, no more. They guarantee MAYBE 600 hits.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
worth reading.
zombies and huge tits.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I've seen better. Also, unless you're an alter, I don't think you signed up for this competition. Care to clarify?
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the energizer rapist
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:48:44 (#)
Ranking: -2
This was pure shit.
And still is.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 12:59:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
had its moments.