IGKTW - Round 1: I'm Gonna Pack It Up (600 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.55 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stuch (View user info) at 2006-04-24 13:21:48 EDT
For months I would wake up in the middle of the night and reach for the gun that was never there, before franticly throwing my pillow across the room in a small fit of rage. As always the window would be open and I would feel a cold draft on my across my torso. It had to be open; the silence of night brought to me some primal fear, a fear that was always quickly remedied by the bark of a solitary stray or a chorus of insect chatter. And occasionally, there was a voice.
A voice that was far off and distant, despite only emanating from the other pillow. Each time, the voice would choose new words, but the underlying message was always consistent. I remember one such night; "When are you going to let those things go?" And I looked down to my find my left hand gripping a set of dog tags so tightly that they cut into the skin of the palm.
Such early morning, cold-sweat awakenings were bearable until I began keeping my .45 under the pillow. I suppose that being woken with a jolt to find me sat up in bed pointing a wavering pistol at the far wall would inevitably cause some tension. And I was given the between a warm bed and a warm woman or the cold couch and the cold steel.
* * *
When I came back, bag over my shoulder, service medal on my chest, fake smile on my face, she was there at the door, wearing one of my long shirts to hide her pink panties from the neighbours. Just as beautiful as ever. She led me to the couch, turned on some music and lay on top of me, same as always. Same as always? I pushed her up and off of me, she sat there, looking lost and puzzled at my actions. I opened my mouth, thought better of it and walked back outside to the front porch to smoke a cigarette. I could hear her sobbing quietly in the house, but thought nothing of it. We went to bed that night, we didn't make love. We barely said two words to each other.
She found me on the couch a few hours later, ejecting bullets from my pistol, "What happened to you out there?" I smirked and slid further down the couch, creating space for her to sit. It took three hours and countless horror stories before she asked me, through her sobs, to stop. She never mentioned or asked about my tour again. And it was a full month before I was able to lie in my own bed again.
* * *
The couch had seen better days, tattered and worn, with the cheap, softwood frame half poking from one arm. The television set and record player were in much the same condition. In fact, the whole home had fallen into disrepair. Had it been a gradual process? Had I been too busy trying to plug invisible enemies in the darkness to notice? It certainly hadn't always been like this.
In the evenings, the television set had caused political arguments and laughs. The record player had provided the Blues soundtrack to love making on the then sturdy couch. They were happy, near carefree times. We were both in stable employment, looking forward to a future together and the prospects of a family. But like everything and everyone I had cared about, those dreams and plans for the future were now shot to shit.
And so I lay on the tattered couch, with nothing warm to hold in my arms, staring at the ceiling, pistol loaded and cocked within arm's reach on the floor. The air was filled with Muddy Waters, my only ally against that God-awful silence. I drifted off, the record came to its inevitable end and silence crept up on me once more.
* * *
Another car zooms past and ridicules me with a honk of its horn. I put my hand back in my pockets and keep walking; last sign said five miles until the next diner. My pocket chinks with sound of enough cash for a coffee or three. God knows I need one. Hell, maybe even a slice of pie.
Maybe she'll be there to share it with me. The hows and whys of her being there escape me right now, but maybe she read the letter I left on her bedside. Maybe she felt the kiss I left on her cheek. But she'll still look for me on the couch and find television screen all over the floor, along with my .45, a spent shell and dog tags. She'll walk in and find this with as little surprise as I had when I awoke to find the same thing.
She won't be at the diner. She'll be at work by now, never could survive the day without that goddamn television set. A horn honks from behind and snaps me out of the daydream. My thumb instinctively shoots up and out from my side and the truck slides to a halt beside me. I climb in; a pair of eyes gives me the thousand-yard stare from between an old baseball cap and a long forgotten beard.
"Where you headed kid?" The beard jerks up and down, creating an infectious drawl. I just shrug and pull the door to. "Well, you can get me a cup'o'joe at this here diner up ahead and figure it all out."
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-16 12:16:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was good. I read your 'Death Letter' post first though, but they were good.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:53:52 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:09:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
I could roll with the main character but not with the story.
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Well, had it not been for badassmofo kicking my ass, I was planning on continuing with the character.
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Keep with it anyway. Who cares about the competition.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:17:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
continue on anyway but give it some life. Yeah his life's a drag, dreary and depressing but we should be able to feel/experience that. +1.5
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:09:07 (#)
Ranking: 1
I could roll with the main character but not with the story.
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Well, had it not been for badassmofo kicking my ass, I was planning on continuing with the character.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:13:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5, since it's well-written but underdeveloped, so to speak.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 but you gave me a +2 and in the spirit of competition I'll give you one.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
uno punto cinco
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could roll with the main character but not with the story. I felt close to one and removed from the other, if that makes any sense.
Good 1.5 material here, though.
Keep writing.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This needed a good proofread. Beyond that, I liked what you were going for, and I did feel a connection with your character.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-25 07:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice story, not so well written.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-24 18:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Strong, but not quite as strong as a lot of the other posts in this contest. It's a good effort, still.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:53:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:46:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt I was there with the narrator. Enough for a plus 2.
I've thought about it for awhile
And I've thought about the many miles
But I think it's time I've gone away
The feeling that you had for me
Have gone away, it's plain to see
And it looks to me like you're pulling away
I'm gonna pick it up
I'm gonna pick it up today
I'm bound to pack it up
I'm bound to pack it up and go away
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:38:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't want to go into the full: "Holy shit! I was in fucking 'Nam. There were bullets whizzing past my goddamn ears and I killed more gooks than the whole of the Air Cav." And I think I managed that okay. The main problem I found was trying to show how much things had changed between them. But then, it's hard to do that purely from the character post-'Nam perspective.
Hindsight is 20-20.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Grammatical errors not withstanding, I just had a lot of trouble engaging with the main character...writing seemed too detached. +1 on effort though and it seems to me that there might be more behind this story...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:31:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was a little disjointed and the errors in the first couple of lines bugged me a little. Ok work otherwise.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:30:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"....and I would feel a cold draft on my across my torso."
Fuck.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-24 13:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Competition Link: http://www.ubersite.com/m/86802