The Deceptive Detective (535 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.33 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Doodies (View user info) at 2006-04-24 14:00:33 EDT
INT. SEEDY OFFICE ON THE WRONG SIDE OF THE TRACKS
A rumpled detective sits at his desk, drinking whiskey and
looking through a grimy window at the rainy evening.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
It was a dark and stormy night. I
was taking a meeting with my
friend Jack Daniels, when she blew
in like a twister through a
trailer park, and just as
dangerous.
The door bangs open, and a tall blonde, slightly moist, leans
against the door jamb.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
She was wet, and so was I.
He notices he spilled his shotglass into his lap.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
She just stood there, unable to
speak, her ample bosom heaving
with each breath. I leaned back in
my chair to enjoy the show.
His eyes burn into hers, and slowly move down her body.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
One look at that wet puss, and I
knew I was in trouble.
A black cat walks in from the hallway, shakes off the rain,
and heads towards his desk.
DETECTIVE
Close the door, doll. I'm allergic.
BLONDE
To-
DETECTIVE
Yes.
BLONDE
But-
DETECTIVE
No.
BLONDE
Should I?
DETECTIVE
Please.
The Blonde opens her purse, pulls out a smoking gun, and
fires. The cat screeches.
DETECTIVE
Thanks, I needed that.
She blows the barrel, pulls out a handkerchief, wipes the gun
clean, and drops it on the floor.
BLONDE
A girl can't be too careful. May I?
DETECTIVE
Please.
She moves seductively closer, eyeing a bag on the desk. She
leans over and slowly pulls a piece of pastry out of the bag.
She licks it teasingly, and then forces it down her throat.
He gulps. So does she. She reaches for the floor.
DETECTIVE
Leave the gun. Take the cannoli.
BLONDE
Thanks.
She pulls another pastry from the bag and eats, pausing
occasionally to lick the white sugar from her lips.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
She swallowed that cannoli like it
was her last meal. Which, I guess,
when you think about it, describes
every meal, until you eat again.
BLONDE
Delish! I was so hungry. I blew a
rod on 17th Street and ran right
over.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
This could be my lucky night. But
who was Rod, and was there anyone
before him? Three on a match, you
know. And...after that cat...
BLONDE
My T-bird died a few blocks from
here. That's why I'm wet.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
Just my luck. Legs that won't quit
and a car that won't start. So
this double D needed triple A. But
why did a broken down Ford excite
her so? Why did she come here? Why do
I drive a Chevy? I silently wished
I had listened to my mother, and
become a mechanic.
DETECTIVE
What I know about cars, sister,
I learned in the back seat of a
Buick. But I'll be glad to call
someone who can...get you moving.
BLONDE
I don't need help with my car.
It's something else. Things are
getting hot.
DETECTIVE
You're tellin' me. It's downright
steamy in here.
BLONDE
That's due to the ambient
temperature in your office, which
converts the precipitation outside
from a vapor state to a denser
liquid form, initiated by the
difference in the temperature of
the vapor, creating the mist you
call steam.
DETECTIVE
Don't condensate to me. I don't
like being talked down to unless
I'm beneath you.
BLONDE
I'll see what I can do.
DETECTIVE
So what is it you need help with,
if it's not your car?
BLONDE
It's my husband, Bob. He's
cheating on me.
DETECTIVE
How do you know?
BLONDE
It's the little things.
DETECTIVE
Such as?
BLONDE
The condoms in the glove box.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
A woman knows.
BLONDE
A woman knows.
DETECTIVE
I'll see what I can do. But I'll
need half upfront.
BLONDE
I'll see what I can do.
DISSOLVE TO:
The detective is again sitting at his desk, looking pensively
into the night. The camera reveals the Blonde on her knees in
front of him, her head bobbing.
DETECTIVE
(shrugs)
She's a little short this month.
BLONDE
(muffled, stopping)
You too.
The detective gently restarts her head. She bobs.
DISSOLVE TO:
Several days later. The Blonde sits across the desk.
BLONDE
Nothing?
DETECTIVE
Nothing.
BLONDE
You're sure?
DETECTIVE
I'm sure.
BLONDE
Well.
DETECTIVE
Well.
BLONDE
I guess I owe you another...
DETECTIVE
Some other time.
BLONDE
You're sure?
DETECTIVE
I'm sure.
BLONDE
Thanks.
DETECTIVE
Don't mention it.
She turns and steps on the cat, which moans weakly. She
nearly trips, but rights herself and exits with a wink. The
camera reveals a man on his knees behind the desk, in front
of the detective. His head stops bobbing.
BOB
Is she gone?
DETECTIVE
She's gone.
The detective gently restarts his head, and Bob begins to.
DETECTIVE (V.O.)
So her husband's paying the second
half. California's a community
property state. And you know what
they say.
The detective leans his head back and closes his eyes.
DETECTIVE
You close your eyes, a mouth's a
mouth.
User Reviews
Submitted by Webered (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:28:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little drawn out, but otherwise pretty good.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-04-25 03:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
all gray cats look black @ night
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:58:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck this and fuck you.
It's late, seetheart. Wake me up 5 minutes early and I'll let you cum on my tits.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck this and fuck you.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 20:36:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-24 20:32:38 (#)
Ranking: -2
That's MIME, I thank you, and the rating on that is impossible.
You're a mime?
No wonder you're such an annoying hair bag.
Look on my works, ye bite-y, and despair.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-24 20:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
That's MIME, I thank you, and the rating on that is impossible.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 20:24:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Doodles - You're about as torn as your sister's nut sack after a weekend furlough.
I was here first!
Everything you ever wanted to know about Doodies
User id: 25505
Registered on or around: 2006-02-26 19:25:19
# Messages posted: 21
# Reviews written: 713
# Times these posts have been reviewed : 391
# Hits: 11563
Average rating of all messages: 175.01
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-24 19:02:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm torn, the post sucked and more then post a day. But someone made an alter called 'Doodies' which makes me feel loved. +0
Submitted by unknown9 (user info) at 2006-04-24 18:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do yourself the favor and post once a day- then the little kids can insult you less
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-24 15:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you're not an alter, you're a really annoying n00b.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:19:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why only one post a day?
Submitted by Maestro (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:16:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it, it had a Leslie Nielsenish quality to it. Nice.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Oh honey, one post a day
Oh honey, alters are gay
Get a real hobby.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
One post a day please
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didnt read it, just like i didnt read your other posts TODAY!
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:09:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
un post per day.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-24 14:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.