George Castanza Was Wrong: The Roommate Switch is Indeed Possible (Part I) (2017 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.85 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mountain (View user info) at 2006-04-24 16:23:20 EDT
(This ended up being longer than I thought, so I broke it into two parts. Names changed)
It all started out innocent enough.
I was in college and happened to run into one of my brother's friends, Jake, from high school. They were pretty close during the high school years, but as many high school relationships do, it dissolved over the years after graduation. Mainly it's as a result of starting separate lives in different cites and loosing track of one another; they were no different.
My brother is only three years older than me, so it wasn't abnormal for the three of us to hang out. We got along well enough and he was able to teach me a nondescript thing or two about adolescent survival.
When we ran into each other out at the bars, there was an instant (drunken) revived kinship. Neither of us knew we were at the same university. We reminisced about times with my brother, bought round after round of drinks, and introduced one circle of friends to the other.
We hung out fairly regularly after that and one night he invited me over for a little pre-drinking and I obliged, showing up with a couple roommates.
A few beers into the pre-hopping festivities, he mentioned a girl from one of his classes and he were hitting it off as of late. Her name was Kate. A little harmless flirting went back and forth, he was able to play the helpless we-should-really-study-together-'cause-you're-so-smart routine and she played along, most likely knowingly.
They'd be meeting us out that night.
"Her roommate Amy is pretty ho-"
"DIBS," I cut him off. I knew this game all too well.
I stared down each roommate, who had all instantly started their bitching and moaning, complaining that my Dibs weren't legit because Jake hadn't finished his sentence. We argued a bit, but my argument that a Pre-emptive Dib could end in tragedy for the dibber prevailed.
He could have finished the sentence "pretty horribly disfigured" or "pretty horrifically fugly."
Everyone knows you Pre-emptive Dib at your own risk.
After confirming that he was indeed going to say "hot," I told the rest of them I wouldn't hesitate to punch their mothers and their mothers' mothers in the face and ovaries if I sensed even a hint of a cock-blocking conspiracy of any kind.
Shit, that's the way it works, man. You win some, you lose some.
If someone calls "shotgun" and they play according to the rules, you don't pull 'em out of the front seat. You learn from your mistake, sit your ass in the back and scheme to put Tabasco sauce in his bottle of lube at a later time.
"Shotgun" gets you the front seat. "Dibs" gets you first crack at the hot roommate or the last piece of pizza depending on the situation. But as soon as that car ride is over the front seat is fair game. Just like the second the hot roommate tells you to go fuck yourself, she too, is again up for Dibs.
That's the way it goes.
I noticed one of my roommates was smirking, staring into space. I could hear the cock-block scheme erecting, so I threw my half full beer can at his teeth.
You don't mess with tradition. The rules like "shotgun" and "dibs" can single-handedly account for the reason the Neolithic male species didn't cause its own extinction. Well, that in combination with the invention of the club, anyway. Even the little guys out there need to be given a chance if for no other reason than creating a system of checks and balances.
Anyway, the night continued...
We pile into a cab buzzed off the booze and embark on our night. The entire ride we boast about how we're going to totally nail a bunch of "hot bitches." We got it all planned out: what we're going to say, how we're *not* buying those greedy sluts any drinks and how they're going to love it when we get them home, detailing the various positions and use of wet celery.
Long story short, we hit the bars, blow ALL our money buying drinks for beautiful women while we stammer through incoherent babble, lucky if we avoid drooling or bringing up how much we hate our ex-girlfriends, never even hearing a whisper of the time of day and go home alone where the only form of wet celery is currently shriveled up behind our zippers.
Except for Jake, who takes a cab back to Kate's place.
...splitting the cost with Amy and me, that is.
What can I say? 99 out of a 100 times, my night goes exactly how I described above. But like I said, you win some (1) and you lose some (99).
We have a few more drinks back at their place. We play some cards for a while and then throw in a movie without any real intentions of watching it, rather providing an exit strategy instead. Before the opening credits are finished, some heavy petting had developed between Jake and Kate, so they retire to the bedroom leaving Amy and me in the awkward position of listening to them fuck.
I felt a twinge of jealousy.
Okay, I would have given my right nut to be the one banging Kate at that moment. She was undoubtedly the hotter of the two, I felt more of a connection with her than I did Amy and I was sure that it was stronger than that of the one between her and Jake.
Oh god, if there was one time I wanted to be Jake, it was right motherfucking now.
Despite my feelings and the background noise, Amy and I had built some good rapport and conversation continued to flow smoothly. I wasn't really sexually attracted to this girl, but she definitely fit in the 'cool chick' category. I wasn't sure, but I got the sense she was pretty in to me and I did what I could to reciprocate the feeling.
It was coming up on three a.m., the booze had run dry what seemed like forever ago and she asks me if I want to stay the night.
"Sure," I said. "I'll just crash here on the couch."
Not that I had much of a choice. I wasn't about to pay full fare for a cab when I know in three or four hours I'll have someone to split it with. Besides, I might even let her let me stick it in her pooper.
"That's okay. You can crash upstairs if you'd like."
Pooper, here I come!
(it works on so many levels)
I follow Amy to her bedroom, pretending not to hear Kate asking Jake to "give it to her" as I pass her bedroom door.
Sonuvabitch.
Amy walks into her room, doesn't bother turning on the light and starts undressing.
"Oh, uh sorry. I'll turn around." She isn't facing me and it's dark, but I figured that's the right thing to do.
Amy just shrugs her shoulders, unhooks her bra, drops her panties and slides into her bed.
"Coming?"
Not yet, I think oh so cleverly.
Before I finished my clever thought, I had already stripped down to my boxers.
The bed was against the wall, so I had to crawl over her to get to "my" side. She was lying on her side, sheets only about mid boob, so I had a sweet cleavage shot as I climbed over. A little peek of things to come, I think. I get ready to bust out my mad playa skills...
...then I hear a snore.
Are you fucking kidding me? No way. That was way too quick. Aw, crap I must have gone a little overboard with the Roofies.
No wait, I didn't have any Roofies.
"Are you asleep?"
"Snore."
I jostle around a bit to see if I can subtly wake her.
"Snore. Snore. Snore," she snores as she bounces a bit from my commotion.
Now I know the UberDudes are screaming at their monitors for rape, molestation or at the very least to peek under the covers. Hell, I'll bet the UberChicks are doing the same thing.
I hate to disappoint, but I do.
But I pay for it. As my luck would have it, Jake and Kate start round two.
In my right ear: "UGH UGH UGH. Yeah!" smack smack "You're SO getting MOOSED right now!" smack thud slap smack "OOoo!" "UGH" smack slap "Give it to me!" smack smack "UGH smack smack thud slap "OOoOooooO!" thud smack thud "Fuck Yes!" "OoOoO!" "Ugh UGH ugh" "YHATZEE, bitch!"
In my left ear: Snore. Snore. Snore. Snore.
I didn't sleep.
I laid there on my back, hands to myself, passing time finding shapes, faces and animals in her popcorn ceiling. Somewhere around the middle of Round Four I start contemplating about rubbing one out to the thought of me evoking those sounds from Kate.
Oh, please - don't pretend like you've never played "The Stranger" or stirred your pudding to the sounds of roommates/neighbors gettin' it on.
Liar.
Right as I'm about to begin, Amy rolls on her back and kicks her sheet off. My eyes instantly pop open to the size of two tea saucers. The sun creeping over the horizon is easily lighting the room at this point, but I lay there, frozen surprised stare trained on the ceiling.
I don't hear any snoring, so I turn my head ever so slowly to give my tea saucers a gander at her face, never looking below eye level. My peripheral vision is screaming at me to detour, but I'm a gentleman/pussy. As soon as I confirm that she's still asleep, I whip back to staring at the ceiling and plan my next move.
These are life defining moments.
I find the sheet with my foot, grab what I can with my toes, and bring it towards my waist. With some effort, I take the sheet from my foot and do my best to cover her without changing my position on my back.
I check her nightstand clock for the time: 5:37 am.
For the first time, there's absolute silence. My eyelids heavy, my mind fatigued and my regret for not staying on the couch intense, I drift off to sleep.
MEEERRRRT! MEEERRRT! MEERRRRT! MEEERRRT!
It's 6:00 am and Amy's alarm is piercing my brain like a chromosome-deficient woodpecker that's mistaken a metal light post for a tree. She's not in the bed, so I aimlessly swat at her alarm clock eventually finding the snooze button. Amy walks into the room in a bathrobe, hair wrapped up in a towel on her head and sits on the side of the bed.
She puts her hand on my stomach and asks, "Did you sleep okay?" She's wearing a smirk that I don't recognize.
"Not bad," I lie.
Her smirk turns into a Cheshire-cat-like, ear to ear smile and she laughs a bit.
"(Mountain), I think you set a world record in restraint."
"What the-"
"You really think I slept any better than you did with those two jackhammering away at each other all night?"
"But-"
"The snoring was just a way to see what you thought of me, really. If you were a jackass, you would have had your hands all over me despite thinking I wanted to sleep. It's not that I would have minded much, I invited you up for a reason, but I'm really impressed that you stayed on your side of the bed the entire night."
Women are Satan's spawn sent to Earth as devices of torture.
I'm as embarrassed as Hillary Clinton was during Lewinsky's testimony as she reflected on that *one* time she snuck into the oval office late at night to have a smoke and feel the power of sitting behind the President's desk. "I knew that cigar tasted funny."
I playfully throw a pillow at her, "It was a game to you?"
"It didn't start that way. At first I was just going to do it for five minutes or something as a joke. But when you didn't even so much as breathe on me, it turned into a challenge."
There's that Cheshire grin again.
"...you didn't..." My brain is connecting the dots.
Amy loses it for a good 30 seconds. After regaining a little composure she says, "When I kicked the sheet off, I thought I had you for sure! I was thinking 'even a celibate monk would at least take a peek!'"
"Oh that is fucked up!"
She laughs and laughs; all I can do is lie there with a stupid grin like all those people caught on Candid Camera or Punk'd.
"I'm not talking to you!" I roll over to face the wall and pull the sheets over my head.
She's still giggling a little, the bed shifts as she stands up and I figure she's going to continue getting ready.
"(Mountain) don't feel bad! What you did was a good thing! Besides, look..."
I roll back over and peek out from behind the sheet.
Amy has disrobed and she's taking the towel off her head.
We do our best to wake up Jake and Kate next door.
Sorry Uber. No Pooper.
...at least that morning.
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-04-29 14:29:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE IS PART TWOOOOOO
--------------------------------------
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87529
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-29 15:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-04-29 14:29:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHERE IS PART TWOOOOOO
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:32:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Everyone knows you Pre-emptive Dib at your own risk.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:20:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My bad...
I figured the " " implied you just wanted to fuck the perfect review.
---------
...did the sweet Jebus cry when you posted your retalitory -2, Geek?
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:25:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Retaliation makes Jeebus cry. Now you don't need to worry about your precious rating.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw crap. I'm sorry. Meant to drop a +2 on this, not a one.
thanks for bringing it to my attention - although that was the pussiest way possible. I always leave comments and reasons if it is anything other than a +2 - notice I didn't leave one. You could have just asked. I'm not going to drop 50 +2's to correct it because of the pussy retaliatory thing.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-25 23:56:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Average Dan-
I guess that means you need to label this "my favorite Mountain post."
...yes?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:54:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love Mountain.
Plus an auto "Moosing" +2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:27:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-25 08:51:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really have a huge fucking boner yesterday. That was actually an Adam Sandler reference THAT NO ONE CAUGHT (or felt the need to respond to, bastards).
----------------------------
I caught it...
...and snorted.
Submitted by StewCrew (user info) at 2006-04-25 09:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a fucking pussy, I would be been all over her, mashing her titties together while she slept. She would have loved it
+2 anyways
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-25 09:06:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
like you need another +2 you greedy fucker
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-25 08:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really have a huge fucking boner yesterday. That was actually an Adam Sandler reference THAT NO ONE CAUGHT (or felt the need to respond to, bastards).
I didn't really feel the need to clarify that. I was just looking for a reason to come back and give this another +2.
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-04-25 08:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for Costanza reference.
Can't stand ya.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-04-25 07:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great post- held my attention, made me laugh a few times, had a couple of memorable lines. Not perfect, but pretty damn good.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-25 06:20:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moosed.
eh.
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2006-04-25 06:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is one of the best Seinfeld episodes. That along with the Handicaped Parking Space and the Soup Nazi.
"You're SO getting MOOSED right now!"
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a damn good story.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:38:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now that's a good 'going out' story.
Submitted by Magic_Monkey (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
In my right ear: "UGH UGH UGH. Yeah!" smack smack "You're SO getting MOOSED right now!" smack thud slap smack "OOoo!" "UGH" smack slap "Give it to me!" smack smack "UGH smack smack thud slap "OOoOooooO!" thud smack thud "Fuck Yes!" "OoOoO!" "Ugh UGH ugh" "YHATZEE, bitch!"
-----------------------
THIS is what truly defines Uber
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:53:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAHTZEE, BITCH!
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:03:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe you didn't jack off. Burn her!
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:52:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent Post!
Submitted by soccer (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Best post I've read in a while.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-04-24 20:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, those crazy chromosome-deficient woodpeckers just don't know when to stop do they?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-24 18:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"YHATZEE, bitch!"
*WEEPS*
you live in georgia don't you?
next door to me.
AND YOU STOLE MY LINE!!!
fucker.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-04-24 18:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she didn't have a giant piece of butcher paper, with FUCK ME printed in big block letters, taped to the ceiling?
o well, shame on her
she forgot to put the arrow pointing down to her side of the bed now didn't she
Submitted by SiddleyHawker (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:49:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Definately a keeper.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"YHATZEE, bitch!"
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:48:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You're SO getting MOOSED right now!"
Submitted by recall (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Booya!
Submitted by GoldPlatedOrange (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lol that was awesome man, can't wait for part 2!
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:13:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SCORE!!!!
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:10:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for Costanza reference.
Co STAN za.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:07:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would have given her a pearl necklace...
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-24 17:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that is an awesome idea. thanks.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stirred the pudding" is the most innovative term for wanking I've heard yet.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:54:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well played.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'VE GOT A HUGE FUCKING BONER RIGHT NOW!
Submitted by Stellar5446 (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by a_reader (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:25:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt even read it. auto +2 seinfeld and buddy jesus.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:31:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have another since pretty much all the posts today sucked ass.
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:31:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-24 16:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
didnt even read it. auto +2 seinfeld and buddy jesus.