Poor Suicide Note Openings - They’re Deadly (1734 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.54 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's IHOP: Captain Average (View user info) at 2006-04-24 21:44:50 EDT
"Every since I won $15 million dollars in the lottery and rescued that solid gold baby from the diamond mind, thus saving the diamond mind from eminent collapse and collecting the reward of 67 pounds of diamonds, my life has been nothing but riches, more riches and even more riches. And I'm sick of it...."
"MOM I'M SICK OF YOUR STUPID HAIR DRYER! My revenge will be killing myself with it. If I'm going down, I'm taking the hair dryer with me. That's right, mom. Fuck you and your stupid hair-dryer. That thing has been nothing but trouble from day one."
"I can't tie my shoe laces and they've stopped making fashionable Velcro shoes. I've given up all hope of winning the big dance competition."
"Apples. Always with the apples. Apples keep falling on me. No more apples will EVERY fall on my head. Apples can't fall on you if you're dead. And if you bury me underneath the apple tree in the cemetery, I'm going to haunt you until the end of time."
"I told her it was me or the parrot. She chose the parrot. I chose death by lawnmower."
"I woke up the other day and realized I haven't had any legs since 1972. I can't believe I waited this long to kill myself. God, it sucks not to have any legs."
"I figure a drug overdose will be the quickest way to die..."
"I can't find the remote. It may or may not be caught in the kitchen sink. Either way, I'm not fixing the sink or buying a new remote."
"The doctor but beans in my ears and now all I hear are the beans laughing at me. The only way to silence the beans is a knife in my head. At least, that's what they're telling me."
"The laughter of children always eats away at my soul. I never should have become such an awesome birthday clown."
"The drug overdoes didn't work so this time I'm going to jump into the blades of my motorboat. That'll be painless for sure."
"I think my skull has termites."
"Well fuck it. I just gave myself a paper cut. That's the final straw."
"The best idea I ever had was posting this suicide not on the Internet. Now people will truly know my pain and understand it. Everyone on the Internet is kind to strangers..."
"My fear of unicorns grows daily...Unicorns scare the crap out of me and I'm sick of bringing an extra pair of pants with me everywhere I go in case I run into a unicorn."
"WHY DIDN'T GERMANY WIN WORLD WAR TWO? Why? How could they lose? It just doesn't make sense. I won't let this go. I'm going to kill myself, travel backward through time and help Germany win World War Two. That's the only way I see this happening - spontaneous soul time-travel."
"So the motorboat didn't kill me and now I'm missing an arm and half my face is gone. I'm going to jump of my balcony. Every day is filled with pain."
"My fish died because I ate it. I'm guilty of fishicide. That's a sin if I'm reading my Bible correctly. All Bibles have neon covers with 3D panda bears, right?"
"Scissors, scissors, scissors! WOOO!"
"I can't smell rainbows. Everyone else says they can. I'm a failure at life."
"My hammer won't stop taunting me and my screwdriver stabbed me in the thumb. I'm the worst handyman ever. Only the chainsaw is my friend. Sweet, helpful chainsaw. He'll make this swift and easy."
"Gone for milk. Will bring back BIG surprise from the store."
"Todd was mean to me. Fuck you, Todd. Now I'm going to kill myself. Thanks a lot, asshole."
"I forgot I lived on the first floor when I was planning to jump. Now, I'm just going to lay on my lawn and wait for the raccoons to gnaw the flesh off my bones. If anyone finds this disgarded napkin, tell them I went in peace..."
User Reviews
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-02 16:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-07-26 03:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-26 03:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:26:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cause I'm blind in one eye.
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Still never recovered from that unicorn wound. That must suck.
Submitted by DirtyDoubleEntendre (user info) at 2006-06-24 03:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:49:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*slits wrists*
Submitted by Bundaberg (user info) at 2006-05-28 09:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I laughed, and thats rare on this site.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-01 09:21:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's OK Stevie.
Canucks can't spell, we know.
There there.
hushlittlebabydontsayawordmommasgonnabuyyouamockingbird
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am too! But it's my Mind's Eye. So instead of being the cool psychic I was born to be, I live like a normal human. Normalacy sucks :(.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's cause I'm blind in one eye.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought these were all spelled right, but in Canadian. You guys have your own language right?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY CAN'T I SPEEL RITE? WHY??
WHY?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I loved these.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:54:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:49:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was distracted when I wrote this. I was at work and, well, was supposed to be working...
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:14:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
COME STAINS! COME!
I giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl you son of a bitch!"
<wipes tears from eyes>
damn, that was funny
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:36:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude. Steve. This would be a +2 except for all the grammatical errors. At first I though ti t was on purpose, but now I know it's not.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still don't have time to read it, but it's been labeled for future reference!
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:56:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 08:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:27:03 (#)
Ranking: 1
not spectacular but very good
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-25 06:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I DONT HAVE TIME TO READ THIS
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"DIAMOND MINDS?"
OMG SPELLCHECK NOOB LOL!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:54:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The special edition Bible32000 comes with stickers made of chimpanzees.
That's right. OUT OF APES.
Damn dirty apes.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All Bibles have neon covers with 3D panda bears, right?
__________________________
Where can I find this Bible edition?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rick is an asshole.
I hate Rick.
I'm looking at him right now and hating him with my eyes of rage.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:14:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
COME STAINS! COME!
I giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl you son of a bitch!
~~~~
Ditto!
That's creepy that you had a Corgi. Of all the people on Uber, this is the one post I decided to ask on.
I think we're gonna go with Meeko, like the raccoon from Pocahontas. Other suggestions were Radar (her ears look like they can pick up radio frequencies), Sniper, Bandit.. and my Mom is still hellbent on naming her Snickers.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.
A guy I knew in high school hung himself in his basement...at least that's how the newspaper told it. From some reliable sources, i.e. his cousin, his death was an accident. He waited for his wife and kid to go to the store, and he went to the basement. He got naked, slipped a noose around his neck, and started whacking it. When he was about to blow his load, he knelt...and then slipped. It happens sometimes. People fuck up while rubbing one off, and they die.
Dumb bastards.
Submitted by Oxymoron (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Who's Rick?
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:36:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Steve wants on MVA and has lowered his normally high standards of excellence to 'kinda funny, coulda been better, you're a dick Steve.'
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:27:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
not spectacular but very good
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
cool idea, but not really funny.
what has happened to steve?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COME STAINS! COME!
I giggled like a Japanese schoolgirl you son of a bitch!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My corgi was named Sneakers. What about Slippers? Slippers would be cool.
Or Stains.
COME STAINS! COME!
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-04-24 22:07:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What should I name my new female Corgi puppy?
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:58:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:56:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I love fucking mythical creatures.
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Go hire out Ross Noble's "Unrealtime" DVD.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love fucking mythical creatures.
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
too bad
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:52:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Must you always post just after me? My post will be overshadowed, again. I hate you.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:51:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i almost pissed myself when i read the death by lawnmower
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It is 2:45 a.m here and I really didnt need this in my mind, so +2
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2006-04-24 21:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It was a damn good post... but consider this +2 also for the unicorns