From Stick to Thick (466 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1 on 4 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mister Fahrenheit (View user info) at 2006-04-24 23:01:17 EDT
There comes a time in a young boy's life when he needs to assess the path he has chosen in more confusing times and reconsider his options. He needs to decide that he's going to stop being stick and forge a new path through the harsh, thorny wilderness of masculinity into the better, clearer roads of thickness. This is not your mother's walk to grandma's house down Pansy-Ass Lane. This path is more comparable to Hannibal crossing over the Alps, George Washington crossing the Delaware, or Hurricane Katrina. Since I am approximately six times thicker than the average person, I feel it is important for me to set up some strict guidelines for people who embark on this heroic path from stick to thick.
The Food of Gods: You have to eat nothing but Go-gurt. It is a fruity treat for the on-the-go man that you will soon become. You won't be having much time to sit down and eat while climbing up a mountain to steal eagle eggs, now will you? Maybe in your past life as a stick man you had the time, but in this fast paced world there's just no time. Plus Go-gurt tastes really awesome.
Bark! Your daily routine of exercise will consist of barking at dogs. Dogs are tough animals and are naturally built to be thick animals, thus, they are scary things that must be conquered. Through various unfortunate experiments, I have found that the only legal way to conquer a dog is to bark at it a lot. Eventually, it'll learn its place and you will be the champion.
While becoming thicker you may notice yourself becoming unruly and agitated over simple matters and, at times, even becoming violent. This is how you know you're on the right path.
Knowledge is power: Your body is only as thick as your mind. Be sure to set aside time to learn algebra so you can calculate the various mathematic problems your enemies will throw at you. Also, Thickness requires at least 50 AR points a month so be sure to read big, easy stuff like Harry Potter to get easy AR points.
Alright, now that you have you're thick, you're probably wondering, "Just what do I do with this thickness?" The answer is simple: Anything your thick heart desires! Nobody can mess with you now! Not even your President! Go out into the world and express your thickness anyway you deem necessary. Don't worry about laws. Laws don't apply to you since you are technically no longer human; you're thick.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardawg (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Okay I've read this through three times and I still don't get whawt you're talking about. Even ironicaly.
I want my 3 minutes back.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:19:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit! I just saw a penis!
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
What the gay are you talking about?
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Apparently your momentum attained leaving 'stick' carried you past 'thick', straight through 'hick', 'brick', and 'yick', all the way to 'dicklick'. You're home.