I'm insensitive because I threatened a Muppet (1762 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 1.84 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2006-04-24 23:34:02 EDT
Sensitivity training.
Unless you are wealthy enough to not have to work, or are self-employed and therefore can only be an insensitive prick to, or sexually harass yourself, you are going to have to face down the pink fuzzy monster of sensitivity training.
It may look harmless enough but if you don't do its bidding, it can get you shit-canned faster than informing your black.......
*Electric shock to the temple* "OW! GODDAMN IT! KNOCK IT OFF!"
Oops! My bad! I meant to say African-American.
...it can get you shit-canned faster than informing your AFRICAN-AMERICAN co-worker that she needs some lotion because her ankles look kind of ashy today. Thing of it was, she agreed with me and asked to use some of mine.
The pink fuzzy monster has taken up residence out here at our hospital. Every hospital employee must complete a 2 hour class on how to be respectful of one another's feelings. The response to the hospital wide e-mailed memo was unanimous. It went a little like this;
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
But we completed our training and basked in our newfound tender feelings for one another. (Dear God, that was difficult to type without going into a seizure)
Now contrary to what we thought, our 2 hour session did not satisfy the PC monster. Apparently if you have an incident where one of your fellow employees accuses you of being; a) insensitive, b) aggressive, or c) sexually inappropriate, they can write a formal complaint about you which gets you sentenced to another round of sensitivity training and a 4 week probation of weekly sensitivity check-ups. Lovely.
I didn't mean to threaten and insult Bruce, it just kind of happened. It was an involuntary, visceral reaction to the obnoxiousness that oozed from his very pores. My other co-workers tried to cover it up for me by claiming that they did not witness anything remotely like Bruce described. They can't stand him either but the administration errs on the side of safety and told my boss to coordinate the 2nd round of my assimilation exercises.
Bruce does not grasp the concept of personal space and refuses to stay an arm's length away when he speaks to you. He speaks very loudly too. In addition, he sounds like a Muppet. He has given nearly everyone in the lab a case of the willies. Furthermore, he has psoriasis on his chest which makes him scratch his man boobs constantly. The psoriasis is not his fault but still, the sight of him dig dig digging at his moobs is enough to make you want to rolf. He goofs off too much too and allows work to stack up which results in frantic activity towards the end of our shift.
On the evening in question Bruce was in rare form. We hadn't had rain in a long time so the air was especially dry thus making his psoriasis especially itchy. He was also in a good mood which prompted him to hang around the front desk and attempt to amuse us while we frantically tried to keep up with the pace of processing specimens in a timely fashion. After a while it felt like Charlie Brown's "Wah Wah Wah" teacher droning on and on in Kermit the Frog's voice whilst standing within your personal space and scratching his man nips directly over your head. We tried giving him subtle hints that we didn't want or need his presence and perhaps he could serve our patients better by returning to his workstation and, oh I don't know, DO SOME FUCKING WORK FOR ONCE!
I had received a stat order to obtain some blood from a notoriously difficult veined patient for some very unusual tests. I was able to draw the required amount of blood and hurried back to the lab to process it according to the testing protocol for those tests. As I looked up the reference numbers for the odd tests, Bruce stood over me and scratched a moob.
"Hey, did I ever tell you about the time......"
"Yes Bruce. Now please, I've got to finish this up. The doctor wants this done stat."
"Oh. Hey, what did you think about the last Sopranos episode? I think Chase is gonna....."
"Bruce, I'm serious. You'd better go back to Chemistry and load the analyzer for this Brain Natriuretic Peptide specimen. Dr. Whitman isn't the type you want to piss off."
"I've been meaning to ask, I notice you change into running gear right before you time out. Do you really jog at night? That's insane!" I felt a drop of Bruce spit hit my right eye's cheekbone.
At this point, I lost my shit.
"ALRIGHT GODDAMN IT! YOU NEED TO TAKE YOUR MUPPET-SOUNDING, FREAK OF NATURE, SCRATCHING SELF BACK TO THE MUTHAFUCKIN' CHEMISTRY BENCH, DO YOUR FUCKING WORK, AND GET OFF OF MY ASS! YOU STAND SO CLOSE YOU'RE IN DANGER OF BUMPING MY ASS AND I SWEAR TO GOD, IF THAT EVER HAPPENS, I'LL RAM A STICK UP YOUR ASSHOLE, PAINT YOU GREEN, AND THEN YOU REALLY CAN PASS FOR KERMIT! FUCK!"
I knew I was going to be in deep shit as soon as that escaped my lips. Technically, I physically threatened him which can get a person fired. I figured I was cooked. Well, I thought, I've been wanting to leave this job. I guess it'll be happening sooner than later.
The next day when I arrived, my boss was waiting to talk with me. Here it comes, I thought.
Ron informed me that after talking with Bruce and determining why I exploded, it wouldn't be fair to terminate me. It was understandable how one might become agitated when dealing with a fellow employee who was as intrusive as Bruce is. Furthermore, Bruce himself must undergo and 2nd round of sensitivity training to learn how to respect others' personal space. The other lab attendants apparently e-mailed Ron in my defense.
But.........
I was by no means off the hook. In fact, they were waiting for me in Conference Room #2. He was instructed to escort me there immediately upon my arrival.
"Let's go. And please, no shenanigans." He knew, of course, that was like laying a Playboy magazine face down on a table in a room full of Jarheads and telling them no peeking. Besides, embarrassing my boss is how I let him know how cool I think he his. I think he enjoys it when I'm inappropriate. I liken it to how Hawkeye's antics were always winked at by Col. Blake and Potter.
Ron made me walk directly in front of him so I could not bolt. The rest of the lab watched as we walked past, waiting for "it." As we approached the main doors, I grabbed them and started crying and pleading;
"PLEASE! NOT ROOM 101! I'VE TOLD YOU EVERYTHING ALREADY! THERE IS NOTHING I WILL NOT CONFESS! JUST PLEEEEEEASE DON'T SEND ME TO ROOM 101!"
"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" echoed in my ears as I marched off to the lair of the pink fuzzy monster of all things politically correct.
So now that I've completed sensitivity training for the second time, I must check in weekly with my boss and discuss various coping and conflict resolution strategies that do not involve a) insulting a fellow employee's vocal patterns, b) foul language, c) threats of physical violence (re: stick up the asshole), or d) insulting a fellow employee about any medical conditions (re: moob scratching psoriasis). All he has to do is practice standing arm's length away from people.
I need a new job soon otherwise all this sensitive crap will drive to me kill.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:13:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-26 04:02:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-17 10:40:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been kickin out the jams with Leonard Nimoy ALL DAY!!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 23:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:57:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Here's the thing.
DO you remember about, oh, 9 months ago or something, I was being an arsehole to you and you sent me an email asking me not to be a dick?
Probably not, lets see if I can find it.
===================
Aaaaand Sacrilicious deletes Berty from her e-mail address book.
That was quick.
Good rant, FG.
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-05-05 22:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh the horror of sensitivity training...
We must take it every 6 months.
I re-test on CPR every 2 years.
Friendly voice every 6 months.............
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:11:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm, I've got a Ludovico's Treatment for you right here, baby...
Submitted by paulblakeford (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:08:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW!!!
I, uh... I just saw the new profile pic you have up on MySpace.
Jaysis Nazis Christ.
Is 28 too young for you???????????
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-04-26 00:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are just too cute.
Submitted by StartMeUp (user info) at 2006-04-26 00:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn muppets
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-25 23:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey.. did you get my email? If not, I'll try sending again from my gmail account
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-04-25 17:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I had to go through this training ON-LINE, for shitssake.
Then, they couldn't see that while they were teaching me how to be "sensitive", I was rubbing my nuts on my keyboard, pretending to spank my bird while I was getting lectured on sexual harrassment policy and issues, and dropping my pants and giving "them" a nice, clear view of my anus.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:29:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"After a while it felt like Charlie Brown's "Wah Wah Wah" teacher droning on and on in Kermit the Frog's voice whilst standing within your personal space and scratching his man nips directly over your head."
that made me spit all over my keyboard.....
I used to suffer from the coworker with psoriasis as well....all over her hands and arms. She
would pick at it during meetings and leave little skin flakes all over the table......
<swallows>
I just threw up in my mouth a little.....
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-25 14:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The problem with leaving this job because of the sensitivity crap is that it's invading everything. And luck would have it that you'd get started in the new job just in time to go through all thier sensitivity training 101 as they joined the PC revolting... um, revolution
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:54:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I could do that to my coworker in the next cube over. Oh and Peon, thats awsome... I loved working retail, I would become great friends with my managers and end up partying with them after we got off of work. It rocked.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha ha muppet
Submitted by BranDo (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:19:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for MASH
Goodluck job hunting.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:07:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:03:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-04-25 03:22:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember my sensitivity training
it taught me how to pretend to care about the rights of the perps
-----------
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:09:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a similar conversation with a boss back in my younger idiotic days of retail employment...
It went pretty much like this:
Boss: Excuse me Peon...can I talk to you for a sec?
Me: Sure? Whassup?
Boss: Look, you need to tone down the swearing on the floor, we've had complaints from customers.
Me: About your swearing or mine?
Boss: *stern look* You of course.
Me: Really? Even though you curse like a truck driver?
Boss: Seriously cut it the fuck out or I will have to write you up.
Me: DID YOU JUST TOUCH MY BREAST?!?!?! ....... *walks away*
Boss: *slaps forehead* I FUCKING GIVE UP! *sigh*
Me: Glass house baby....glass house.
I miss that job
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Seriously, what some people think of as a bit of fun or reasonable behaviour can be very damaging to the people around them and thus to the business as a whole. The offensive outburst you've outlined is horrifically unproffesional.
Seriously, I've only seen two examples of similar behaviour before. One was from a bloke who was mentally ill and the other from a guy who was having an argument with the coworker that was sleeping with his wife.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel your pain...we used to have a guy that would stand so close behind you that he would rub his, um...package against your chair/shoulder/whatever (didn't matter if it was a guy or girl either)...I got in trouble for elbowing him in the nads for doing it one time
Submitted by MistressFist (user info) at 2006-04-25 10:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW. Sometimes people just need to hear about themselves. I've worked with a nurse sorta like that - nonstop talking and interruptions. I think she was on speed though, pupils always dialated and talked 50 miles an hour. It would take me 2x as long to do charting because 1/2 of me was trying not explode on her. She didn't scratch anything though.
Good for you. If I was your boss I'd shake your hand.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 08:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAAAAAA best explosive rant EVAR
My employer calls it "Harassment Awareness Training."
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2006-04-25 07:14:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sensitivity, schmensitivity.
I haven't ever had fluffy training, it might be because I'm British though and therefore genetically prone to neck straining politeness.
That said, I've already been told off today for being too sarcastic. They were asking me why I was so quiet yesterday, I DON'T UNDERSTAND THIS GAME!!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:27:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Brain juice.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 05:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's old Bertram on today?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...
Here's the thing.
DO you remember about, oh, 9 months ago or something, I was being an arsehole to you and you sent me an email asking me not to be a dick?
Probably not, lets see if I can find it.
-----------
I request that you stop digging at me. I just read your reaction to me on Loki's post. This is the one about germs. I respect the woman too much to "discuss" this with you on her post.
It seems now that a few times you have done this. It is unnecessary. Debates fine; jabs and digging are not.
Thank you
------------
Bit of a watershed moment for me that, helped me realise that people have feelings and that if I have a problem in my day I shouldn't take it out on people.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I was the only person around here who got in trouble at work for threatening co-workers.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No problem heartily +2ing this.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-04-25 04:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-25 03:23:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe.
I *heart* Forensic Girl.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-04-25 03:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i remember my sensitivity training
it taught me how to pretend to care about the rights of the perps
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2006-04-25 02:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha.
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-04-25 01:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-04-25 01:44:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love reading your stuff.
Nothing more attractive than a woman with a sense of humor.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How did Bruce get a job?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:06:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time jsut tell him you hope he is anally raped by a horse, thats not really a 'threat', and Bruce sounds like a pussy, I bet he'd like a stick shoved up his ass.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey that happened to me too
except instead of sensitivity training i kicked earl scruggs in the neck.
but its basically the same
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-04-25 00:00:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have gone a little more obscure, yet cool by taking a screenshot from "Disturbing Behavior." An awesome movie, and you;d get the same point across.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You like White Zombie, don't you?
Mmmmmmmmmmmm La Sexorcisto
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No comment needed.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No! Not lovely lovely Ludwig Van!!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:46:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yarrr.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, that's great.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2006-04-24 23:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha! Bruce had it comin'.
By the way, thanks for your psych. assessment guide, I got an A on the paper WOO