Scavenger Hunt - Second Item: A Pen from a Bank Manager's Desk (585 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.64 on 11 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (View user info) at 2006-04-25 11:28:56 EDT
One by one my crew caught up to me in the van, the last to arrive was Jebediah, our streaker. Josh slid into the driver's seat as I moved to the shotgun seat.
"Ok guys, our next item is a bank managers pen. I can't imagine how one would distinguish a bank manager's pen from a regular bank person's pen so I think we're going to need photographic evidence. "
I proposed my plan to the group and waited for responses. "helloooo... do any of you care? No? Fine, my plan it is, bastards."
I ask Jacob to drive us to the thrift store, then just because I've always wanted to say it told him "stay in the car and leave it running, we may need a fast getaway."
I took my crew into the thrift store and gave them instructions as to what I was looking for. They returned with several outfits and I started trying them on until I found one that was suitable and fit well. I sent them out one more time to outfit another of the men in our group and when the task was complete we grabbed the clothes and made a run for the door.
"STOP RIGHT THERE MOTHERFUCKERS!"
Shit. I stopped my crew and turned to see the foulest looking woman I've ever seen staring at me over the sight of a rather large looking revolver. This poor woman had what looked like two large caterpillars on her face, one crawling over her upper lip and the other, longer one, crawling along her brow line. On her nose was quite possibly the biggest zit I've ever seen and I swear I could see it pulsating waiting to pop in a great explosion of yellow pus. She was missing several teeth and the ones she did have looked as though they'd never encountered a toothbrush. Her hair was a sickly brown and exploded from her head as though it was trying to get away.
"Feeling lucky punk?" she growled at me. "Go ahead make my day."
Putting on the charm I replied "I know not of what you speak Madame, I merely wanted my gang to see this beautiful...beautiful...." I looked around frantically trying to find something beautiful until finally I spotted the only item that could remotely fit the bill. "....this beautiful Hummel figurine before we checked out."
My crew, doing their best, nodded affirmatively and oohed and ahed over the little figure. "I think we'll take a pass on it though, especially considering the help leaves much to desire. Please kindly ring us out so we may vacate this fine establishment."
Without lowering her weapon or even looking away she flatly responded "$75".
I looked at the tags on our items and at worst our total could not have been more than $20. "Madame, perhaps you should look at the tags on these items as our total..."
"The price includes my service fee. You choose Nancy boy, pay or take your chances and run."
"Fine, take it, take everything I've got you ugly bitch!"
With that I threw the Hummel at her and turned to run. My crew was staring at me agape and I had to yell at them to get them moving "FUCKING RUN!"
Looking over my shoulder I saw her try to catch the figurine before it crashed to the floor and shattered. As I rounded the corner to the door I hear what sounded like a canon go off behind me and the door jamb splintered near my shoulder. I ran to the van waiting for the next shot to come and dove through the open window. "GO JASON! DRIVE NOW!"
He slammed the gas to the floor with my ass end hanging out of the window and drove out of the lot. I finally pulled myself the rest of the way into the van and turned in time to see the yeti from the thrift shop run out, hand canon in hand and search frantically for us.
She momentarily brought the gun up before thinking better of it and jumping into a dodge charger that was parked outside the door.
"Shit! Jerry you have one crazy bitch to lose, drive motherfucker! She's coming after us!"
I looked toward Jimmy's feet to see if he had it floored and noticed a big wet spot spreading on the front of his pants. "Oh helll no." Jack whimpered and then suddenly a look of great resolve came over his face and he turned to the rest of the crew and said. "Hang on!"
I couldn't believe it the kid drove like he'd been driving stunt vehicles all his life we were shooting through alleys, fishtailing around corners, and at one point were up on two wheels to get through a narrow spot in some road construction. Finally our savior pulled the van to a stop right next to our target bank.
"Good work Justin. Alright, this one's a two man job, the rest of you stay here. Girls, I think young Jerome here might deserve a blowjob."
I took one of the guys and we dressed in our disguises before walking up to the entrance of the bank. My escort opened the door and then importantly turned to a bank employee and said "My mom here has a lot of money she wishes to open an account with but will only talk to the bank manager, is he available?"
The employee looked at us, taking in our disguises and then turned to get the manager. I knew it would work; these disguises were a stroke of brilliance and definitely worth nearly being shot for. I had on a white curly wig, an old dressing gown covered in lacy trim and had on a pair of granny boots. As we stood there I adjusted my stockings as they were starting to ride. My escort was wearing a perfect blue suit with black shoes and looked like a perfect gentleman.
The bank manager finally came out of his office and walked over to meet us. "I understand you'd like to open an account."
I replied in the perfect simile of an old ladies voice "I am considering it. I have a lot of money and need to deposit as much of it as possible. But I need to get to know you first."
"Well please come in Mrs......"
"Mrs. Honeybottom thank you."
"Tell me Mrs. Honeybottom, what is it I can do to earn your business?"
I hadn't expected it to be this easy but decided I may as well get straight to the point. "First I'd like to see your pen. I'd like you to take a picture with me holding your pen, and I'd like to keep your pen."
"Well, okay Mrs. Honeybottom." HA! Apparently he's used to dealing with senile old ladies.
I went round his desk and sat in his lap, I thought he was uncomfortable until I felt something poking me in the ass. "Hurry up son and take the damned photo!"
The manager looked at me surprised that my voice had suddenly dropped and tried to get up out of the chair.
"Not till we've had our picture dear." I turned to my escort who was starting to laugh. "Take the fucking picture!"
Finally the bastard took the picture. I jumped out of pokey's lap and started for the door clutching his pen in my hand. "Thanks dear, we'll be in touch."
Very deliberately I hiked up my stockings and I know he could see the bulge of my package. I walked away as he sat behind his desk gaping, trying to comprehend what had just happened.
Walking out to the van I stripped the wig off and turned once more to my escort. "You will be punished fucker. That sick bastard was sporting wood."
We got in the van and Joe drove us to a nearby coffee shop where we began to plan how to procure the next item on our list.
User Reviews
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87152
I'm in
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:20:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I will have to start with feminine because I believe I've repeated a couple now. I don't know exactly why the one character who is named in this doesn't have one name but whatever. I found it amusing. Thanks all for reading. B
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:15:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think e means the names of the kid that you call a different name every time you mention him. Jebediah, Jonus, John, Jerry, Josh - THOSE names.
although why you haven't started with the feminine versions, I'll never know.. I actually find the name thing quite humourous - once I understood what was going on.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...?
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My names? I am Brdn_Nkd (boardin_Nekid) there are now many explanations of this out there.
w_h_a_t_e_v_e_r is a different person.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-04-25 12:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'll go with 1.5 your names confused the crap outa me
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:41:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Terrifying
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
And a 1.5.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The thrift shop scene was a bit distracting, so 1.5.
Ha ha, you got asspoked by a bank manager...priceless!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:33:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
huh
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-25 11:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The other team: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87138