IGKTW - Sweetblood Call (812 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: fiction
Rating: 1.58 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourgeoftheseas (View user info) at 2006-04-25 15:28:50 EDT
Contest Link - http://www.ubersite.com/m/86802
As the blue smoke rolled out of his throat and over his upper lip, Sonny started adjusting himself.
The rearview mirror...catching the remaining mess of his face, pocked and scarred from the night before. Sporting a three, four day growth of scrub, he never had been able to grow a proper beard, patchy here, bare there. He'd never let it stopped him from abstaining from shaving when he wasn't working, which was more often than not.
The skin of his neck raw and wrinkled, the loose folds unable to hide the prominent Adams apple that had bobbed up and down as he swallowed, making the decision to do it or not...
As he caught his own glance in the mirror he looked away quickly.
His eyes were uneasy resting on themselves. Sunken in his head surrounded by the battered flesh, brown and soft. They seemed to hide nothing now, the eyes of an animal, empty, stupid and hiding nothing of the soul that looked out through them.
=============
He first found her at the poor excuse for a bar that he and his kind were allowed to frequent.
Few mismatched chairs around each of the old baling wire spools that served as tables.
A sagging length of lumber, barely tacked together served as the bar. The edges worn smooth by hard elbows. Stained with uncountable rings, the ghosts of thousands of drinks downed in an attempt to drown the sorrow, the anger of the men sitting in this squalor.
She was sitting on a low stool by the impromptu stage, watching the band, legs open, short skirt swaying between her thighs. Smoldering cigarette punctuating every up thrust of her hands as she threw them up on every fourth beat.
She was oblivious to all the men who made up the rest of the crowd, their hungry stares devouring her from her bared legs to her chest, barely contained by the simple cotton dress...her focus instead on the rough band and the tin cup of 'shine she finished off about every other song
That first night she went home with him and stayed.
=============
...the old cars heater didn't work at all. A wheezing rattle, a high pitched shreak, and it shut up. Sonny moved the switch back and forth a couple times, knowing it wouldn't but hoping that repeating the motion might make the thing squeeze out a few more hours of warmth.
He pulled the coat tight around him, and it still smelled like her skin, her hair, her breath...
He lit another hand rolled as he squashed out the first butt in the already overflowing ashtray, a monument of ash, paper and charred tobacco. A monument to the aftermath of a relationship that burned from beginning to end.
A few loose embers sailed out, arced down to the floor and whipped out the hole that made up most of the floorboard at the same time they turned black, cold and dead.
He followed their path with his eyes...
=============
She wanted the same thing every day.
A solid fucking.
A stream of stiff drinks.
An endless supply of tobacco
And a soft bed to fall in at the end of the day coming home from the bar.
The poverty of the place only bugged her as a symbol of his inability to provide her with her physical wants. A hole that needed patching in the tin ceiling was one less bottle that made it home.
A day spent working the fields with the other day laborers, or hunting for something to drop in the soup pot along with a few dirty potatoes, meant less time spent trying to satisfy her lusts.
It didn't take long for it to happen...
=============
Sonny flipped the switch of the radio, expecting nothing except static from the scratched and battered instrument.
He got Louisiana Red instead...
I have a hard time missing you baby, with my pistol in your mouth
Mmmm have a hard time missing you baby, with my pistol in your mouth
You may be thinking 'bout going north, but your brains are staying south
Just roll your pretty eyes, if you intend to stay
Just roll your pretty eyes, if you intend to stay
Close 'em up again, and I blow your world away
=============
Before he even came in through the fly specked screen door he saw them. Hard not to in the one room shack.
A hard, muscled brown back wrapped around by two long legs. She was on her back on the hard mattress on the floor that served as their bed.
Pulling him in. Deep, the way she always asked for it.
He thought about how odd it was that for such a hungry woman she never made more than low pitched moans as she was fucking...
Kept her eyes closed the whole time...
Her body did all the talking for her. Always so alive, moving constantly around him, the two of them as one person for that space in time..
As he put the single slug from the .22 rifle in the back of the guys head she snapped back to herself. Once more a single being, eyes wide open. Her mind a few steps ahead of her hips, which gyrated against the corpse a few more times before she quit moving altogether.
Never one to apologize, she leaned over, grabbed the half emptied bottle and a cigarette. She refused to smoke the hand rolled ones he did. Only bought from the store.
As she casually looked at him and lit it, she smiled, the dead mans body still on her lap.
=============
He looked up long enough to make sure he was going to miss the battered old shack they had called home. The nicotine streaked window making the building appear shabbier than it was.
...after looking down at the butts flying through the floorboard, he moved the seat of the battered old Ford back a few clicks to accommodate his gangling legs.
=============
She had never been one to apologize much less beg.
She knew he only had the single shot. Too much money was directed to her vices to spend more than what was necessary for food on ammunition for the hunting rifle.
"What are you going to do now, kick me to death?"
=============
...
I see your eyes are rollin'
Must mean your love for me has come back
Must mean you're satisfied again
With our little wooden country shack
I have a hard time missing you baby
With my pistol in your mouth
You may be thinking about going north woman,
But your brains are staying south
Even if you sneak away
I'll find you before nightfall
You're tied to me girl
I can feel your sweetblood call
As he pushed off with his left heel to force the sticky mechanism to let the bench slide he looked down and saw the wet marks on the toe of his workboot, his cuffs splattered and matted, dried together with her blood
Son pulled the coat tighter around himself and pointed the car North.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:32:38 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and +1ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:42:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-04-27 17:36:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked the premise and structure but the language kind of threw me. I wouldn't say I hate it, I think you're being a little hard on yourself... was pretty solid except for a few places where the sentences didn't scan very cleanly.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:06:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would've absolutely killed under a Love/Vengeance theme.
Nonetheless, I see the hard times/travelling theme in there enough.
But that's just contest talk. This was a good read.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:05:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
I ususally sit down and write everything out longhand. Pencil and paper. The speed of writing it in that manner matches the speed that it comes to mind I guess. Any editing I do, usually very little, comes out as I transcribe it onto the old magic computey box.
Almost everything I write is coming to people on what is basically a first and a half draft.
When I play around with writing something too much, it gets bogged down. It isn't fun to write and I start to resent the whole piece for making something I enjoy doing seem like drudgery...
I'm always my own harshest critic.
---
I know what you mean, because I do the same thing for almost everything I post here. Not so much pencil and paper, but I'll just write it out as it comes to me (in Notepad, which I guess is as basic as pencil/paper). I tend to not go back, so once it's down it's down even if it's still technically a first draft.
I think the only ones I varied from this formula on were Before the Hill and the entry for the first round of Ubermas.
Anyway, tinkering and heavy editing makes me second guess my pieces, too. I try to remember to not be hard on myself, but more often than not it takes someone else to do that for me. This is part of why I was hesitant to stray from poetry this round, because I figured if I was going to break tradition I might as well do it right, you know? I found myself being more critical of things than I normally am, until I finally said 'look, fuck it' and pressed on without looking back. Sometimes you've just got to be happy with your first effort - or the effort you've decided on - and trust that it's gold. Or at least a very well polished sort of brass. Or copper. But not tungsten. Or tin.
Bleh.
The point is - this was really good. I liked the varied perspectives, and dug the fact that she kept moving her body a bit after the guy on top of her'd been shot. Is it wrong that I was curious to see how you'd have described her with his blood all over her? Little things like describing the ashtray as a monument were nice touches that made this more than just a standard story. Good on you.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:36:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like this alot.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:05:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll tell you why I don't like it Stagger.
I worked on four different variations of what I wanted to post for this contest. I erased the first three. The first was huge and carefully drawn and when I reread it, it seemed boring as hell and long winded. The next two were quicker stabs at the same deal.
I just couldn't get my head around where I was going with it. This entry is the same basic idea I started with on all the others.
I guess here's why I don't like this:
I ususally sit down and write everything out longhand. Pencil and paper. The speed of writing it in that manner matches the speed that it comes to mind I guess. Any editing I do, usually very little, comes out as I transcribe it onto the old magic computey box.
Almost everything I write is coming to people on what is basically a first and a half draft.
I didn't do that this time and I think this suffered for it. It feels forced and hard to me because of that.
When I play around with writing something too much, it gets bogged down. It isn't fun to write and I start to resent the whole piece for making something I enjoy doing seem like drudgery...
bah
I'm always my own harshest critic.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-04-26 08:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-25 23:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was quite decent, I don't know why you hate it.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:17:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apparently if I were a "competitor," I'd give this something it didn't deserve.
So, did you win yet?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:11:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahahahaha
No worries McCallum. My oppos piece was better than mine anyway, I hope he advances to the next round. The quality of the work submitted for this contest was worth anything else anyway..
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
am
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
a
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
douche.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:07:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking shoot me already. I posted the wrong comment here and a 0 rating. CRAP.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:06:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Done, Scourge. Don't know wtf happened there.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 19:05:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Motherfucking button. Sorry dude.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey McCallum, 1 + 1 / 2 = 1
Not that I'm complaining or anything...
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, cold have used a little more love, but I liked it.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.75
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-04-25 18:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I know this was a rush-job, so King of the Typos will forgive your spelling errors... but there was a lot of really awkward phrasing that you probably would have caught on a read through. Still, it's a contest with a deadline, so... 1.75
I enjoyed it, though.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-25 16:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice work
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-25 16:05:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I very much enjoyed this.
There were some lines at the beginning where the writing seemed a tiny bit disjointed to me, but upon reread, I think it was intentional- with the character's observations in the car. The lyrics you chose were really good. You did a fine job with the characterization of the woman- her 'type', and the end was just chilling.
Well deserved +2.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:52:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Raw. And you picked a hard song to work with.
Submitted by richsghostdog (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good short story, easy reading
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:43:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No apologies needed, red. I am unhappy with this post.
I haven't even read my oppos yet, I just saw that he was still sitting on a solid 2.
I'll finish all my reading and do all my rating tonight and tomorrow.
I still hate this post.
After I'm out of this, most likely in this round, I'll go back and rework what I was originally going to submit, do it the justice it deserves.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:39:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.75
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:39:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Upon careful rereading of both posts, 1.75 Sorry Scourge.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:33:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And your timing is excellent - half time in the football.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't honestly say I prefer r0fls or yours. Good stuff. I shall consider this carefully over the next few days
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-25 15:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lyrics are 'Sweetblood Call' by Louisiana Red
I fucking hate this.
Congrats r0fl, I think you wrapped this one up nicely.