The Crane Game -or- How I Lost $30 Trying To Retrieve A Sweatshop Item (1946 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.92 on 100 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-04-26 10:23:48 EDT
I believe that one of the worst combinations on this earth is karaoke machines in Asian massage parlors (which they have here in D.C.), followed closely by the "Crane Game" in bars. These greedy bastards aren't happy with just getting your money from liquor, they have to jest, to challenge, TO OUTRIGHT CALL YOU A VAGINA, by putting these cursed machines in the exit of a sports bar.
Had it not been for the tankard of Irish whisky I had consumed due to the shitty shooting by Jared Jeffries, I may have just walked by the machine. But desperate for some way of salvaging the night, I figured I would at least win at this child's game.
Quick side note, not at all unrelated:
One of the few joys I have in my life when I am working in D.C.: I get to act as a "Bucket Crane Operator". This entails a 25 ton overhead crane with the controls built into the bridge, so you sit on the crane as you are operating it, looking down at the load.
There's just something about picking up and moving a 20 ton blower around like it is just another piece of furniture. It's quite an exhilarating experience.
However, it is tainted by a grub-worm of a man that works for my service crew.
He is the bane of my existence. He disgusts me like no other has done before. I've never met a man with the couth of a retard eating a Sloppy Joe, until I met "Bubba".
What the fuck kind of name is "Bubba" anyways?
I'll tell you what kind of name it is. It's a redneck name. Now I have no problem with the typical redneck; The hard-working American, farming type of folk. But this is a whole different animal. He is of the nigger hating, tornado alley, peanut picking, shitty expression using (his favorite thing to say when he is asked, "What's Up?" is "Hard dicks and helicopters", and he thinks it's the funniest thing that has ever happened. I surmise this due mainly to the fact that he laughs like a High Schooler during a test when someone let's an arm-pit fart every time he says it), "I'm yer sister", variety of redneck.
The thing that bothers me the most about him, is the fact that his hands will be covered in grease/oil/silicon caulking and instead of using the rag and hand-cleaner that is sitting right next to him for such an occasion, he will wipe his hands on his shirt, face, hair, mustache (he sports a Kevin Costner circa "Wyatt Earp" mustache, which, were it not for LemonParty.org, would be the gheyest thing I have ever seen), or nearest clean surface. I can't stand a mother fucker that gets disgustingly dirty for no reason other that the fact that he likes to be wallow in his own filth.
Thanks Bubba. Really, fucking thanks.
In case you didn't know, any toy/prize/stuffed animal/party favor that is in these "Crane Machines" costs less than the price it costs to play the game itself, thus the owner of said machine, always wins.
I knew this already, yet there I was, pumping this thing full of dollar bills like I was in Vegas trying to win the jackpot at a slot machine. My friends (read: people that I was with, as I have no real friends to speak of) tried their hardest to drag me away from the machine and get me to leave the place, but I couldn't. I was bound by some force that promised some closure on my menial existence on this earth, if I could just lift the stuffed tiger, and drop him safely in the recovery bin.
Yet somehow, call it "Fate", call it "Gravity's cruel hold on this earth", call it "The precisely engineered weakness in the jaw's of the crane hook", WHATEVER IT WAS, would not permit me to achieve my goal.
Now, since I have countless hours logged in as a certified crane operator, I knew that it couldn't have been a fault on my account. Despite the fact that at this time, I had officially lost Camera Two and was attempting this feat with the "Pirate Eye". No, there were higher powers at work here.
I cursed the gods, I cursed the stars, and I cursed the bartender. I hurled curses until there were no more curses left to hurl. Yet still, there was no tiger to be recovered in the plastic holding cell.
The money meant nothing compared to the eternal happiness that the carrot-on-the-string would bring. The only reason I knew how much money my three-fingered adversary took from me is because I went to the ATM in the middle of my obsession and pulled out an additional $20 to keep it going and I found the stub the next morning.
In retrospect, I don't really know what I would do with it.
I could give it to my girlfriend...if I had one. I could give it to one of my "friends"...if I didn't want to look like an ass-pirate. Maybe I could even give it to my mother...IF I DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS A LUNATIC. There was absolutely no reason, monetarily or morally that I should want this item so bad.
When I finally broke through the spell that the machine had put me under, I turned to the nearest person to blame. My so-called "friends".
"Why would you let me do something like this" I questioned.
"Because you are a douche and no one here likes you" replied some random old man at the bar that I had mistaken for a group of twenty-something's.
"Oh sorry old man"
Turning to my group of friends I asked again, "Why would you let me do something like this?"
"Shut up Average_Dan" said my best of friends. "You're drunk again and just yelled at some old man"
Apparently this isn't the first time that something like this had transpired.
"I hate old men, and I hate you" I try to explain.
"Someone get this asshole in the car" said my friend.
User Reviews
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's number 100, A_D.
...and Part II of my "Geroge Costanza..." is ready for your viewing pleasure.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87529
Thanks for bringing the wine to our Brokeback Mountain marathon... it was ssssimply fab!
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-04 08:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nigga please
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2006-05-01 17:41:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won a Donkey Kong doll last night biatch!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-27 18:28:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-27 08:52:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-04-27 02:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What gets me is the chocolate bar ones. You know for the chance to win you could have bought atleast one bar anyway. I refuse to play even once just incase I go beserk like you did and try to win no matter what the cost.
------------
No shit, they have them here. Like $1 to take 1 shot at winning a 50c chocolate bar, which could easily be purchased from the supermarket no more than 20m away.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What gets me is the chocolate bar ones. You know for the chance to win you could have bought atleast one bar anyway. I refuse to play even once just incase I go beserk like you did and try to win no matter what the cost.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 19:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love you Method!!1one
LSD,
you are one goofy bastard!
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-04-26 19:53:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's fuckin funny shit dude. I've done that so many times. The only thing i've ever won is a pink gorilla. I burned him. Then I felt bad, so I had a little funeral right there. But then they kicked me out of the bowling alley.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-26 19:46:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y HALO THAR?!?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 19:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
YOU BASTARD, WHY DO YOU LEAVE ME AT THE WORST POSSIBLE MOMENTS?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:49:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, and O-man:
Hooters, tomorrow. What's up?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:48:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron, Anansie is hot even when she ISN'T quoting wrestlers. Imagine that?
And Anansie, your probably rating this again instead of doing your report because you feel guilty about blowing me off last night and leaving me crying...again.
Just kidding, you can make it up to me on Friday with some Buttsecks!
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:20:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I should be writing my paper on Sister Carrie RIGHT NOW. But instead I am rating this post again, and for no apparent reason. WTF is wrong with me?
By the way, did anyone see that episode of South Park last week where Oprah's minge could talk and had a male voice with an australian accent. Because I actually laughed at that. Amazing.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:04:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh it's true, it's true.
---
Angle quotes = hot.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I love that one too anansie. Man, so I ever miss Fartsmeller. I wish he would come back! He had the best paint collages evar!
You were right Sinistral, I now hate you. Good job. Fuck those machines. There bullshit. God hates them and ghey people!
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:10:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your going to hate me for this, but I've consistently won those games using only a single dollar.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78328
I meant this, dammit.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/78328#1674657
Don't forget this one.
Oh it's true, it's true.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't tease me O-man,
Scourge, that B@W post only has 29000 hits on it now!
I guess it wasn't as good as Razor's Family GUy post which has over 70000.
Watch out ForTheWin
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:56:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*smooches Dan's head and rubs his nipples*
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh I know he's been around and gotten his hits. He was the Answer Man. That visit to B@W probably garnered him a good 40000 hits alone.
Some people get hits without climbing up the heat ladder though.
Glad to see the usage of 'linkpimp'
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O-man,
That was just because I had 30000 hits on a B@W post, but there was never any heat. Besides, at that point you were so young, so tender, so...n00bish taht it wasn't hard to have more hits than you.
But you should know that I am now jealous of your hits/posts ratio.
I see who has the last laugh!
*hangs head in shame*
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:49:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dapper Dan linkpimp: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78341
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:46:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:42:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't really your first heat post is it?
I could have sworn I saw something up there by you before...
---
Dapper Dan's no stranger to heat. He used to have more hits than me back before he left for a while.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:42:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This isn't really your first heat post is it?
I could have sworn I saw something up there by you before...
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:32:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AND HERE'S THE HEAT!!
You guys were tight, it does feel kind of funny! Like doing the flexed arm hang because you can't do any real pull-ups so you have to hang out with the girls in gym class...
kind of like that.
Submitted by runswithscissors (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:32:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your description of bubba made me spit bean burrito all over my keyboard......do you have any idea
how difficult that is to clean up??
I will forgive you, however, if you win me the giraffe next time......
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm glad your toe is OK too Loki. You know that I worry about you constantly!
Mountain,
Brokeback mountain it s. Have you seen scary movie 4 yet when they spoof that?? Funny, funny stuff, but i wonder if it's funnier if you had actually seen brokeback mountain>? Makes you wonder.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 15:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH fuck. I'm sorry. SO SORRY
NSFW link below kids.
So, so sorry. This is the first time I've ever made that mistake.
Sacrilicious DID already say it for me, so I hope that helped divert people.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 15:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is it linkpimping when the link is nsfw?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd like to offer a revised review.
Pointless LINKPIMPIMPING: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87203
etcetera
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, I know. I just put it up a minute ago and wanted to immediately whore it out. I like pimping. It should actually be called linkpimping. Yeah...LINKPIMPING. I'll be using that from now on.
It IS very tasteful nsfw though. No zakalwe/MickGinny/squattail type shite for me.
I just like lady bodies an awful lot. LADY BODIES.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:51:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is a pointless linkwhore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87203
Part of it is for Lishy. If she can figure it out while I'm gone I'll send her cookies in the mail.
===========
+2 fielname.
scourgey- some of our friends can't rate yours because it's nsfw. They aren't neglecting you.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:51:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here is a pointless linkwhore: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87203
Part of it is for Lishy. If she can figure it out while I'm gone I'll send her cookies in the mail.
Once badassmofo and I talked about possible offspring names.
scourgeofthemofos
badassoftheseas
Both wonderful choices. Then we realized we both had a penis and that GOD DOESN'T LET BOYS HAVE BABIES TOGETHER. HE HATES THAT.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:47:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
Though, hate sex is what keeps us together some of the time.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A girl after my own heart.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:41:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Orgasmalicious? Sounds like a malicious orgasm, which we all know is an oxymoron, except I suppose in the case of a hate-fuck. Is your child the product of a hate fuck? I think not!
===============
Orgasmically delicious. Though, hate sex is what keeps us together some of the time.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm glad your toe is OK loki.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:41:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:30:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
The child Orgasmalicious shall be born within the year, and then we'll find out who doesn't like hot dogs. And who's holding the suitcases. And who knows how to feel and interpret the size of Walt's asshole.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Orgasmalicious? Sounds like a malicious orgasm, which we all know is an oxymoron, except I suppose in the case of a hate-fuck. Is your child the product of a hate fuck? I think not! You might want to do something about that. Sacmatron? Well that sounds even worse. Like a matron of sacs. Oh fuck it. Nevermind.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why is it that the second you take your shoe and sock off at work to examine what you suspect is a blister on your little toe, someone will walk into your cube to ask you a question. No one has been by here all fucking day but oh let me sit here with my naked foot in the air and suddenly everyone needs help with a query.
The good news is that while my toe is a little red, I don't think it is an actual blister.
I know everyone was worried.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I won my very first try on one of those things.
...and then never did again, so I stopped trying.
Damn... that's one of the best stories I've ever told. POSTWORTHY, EVEN.
What can I say, A_D... you bring the best outta me.
So you wanna watch Brokeback Mountain with me or what?!?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahh..good times. It's a wonder we ever split.
Oh, that's right. You cheated on me with a giraffe.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The child Orgasmalicious shall be born within the year, and then we'll find out who doesn't like hot dogs. And who's holding the suitcases. And who knows how to feel and interpret the size of Walt's asshole.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Before she and I divorced, I let her get knocked up by anyone who had a fiver to spare.
True story.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:19:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:38:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
Orgasmatron and Lishy,
You two make me sick. Lishy, to deny the feelings me and you have for each other is just torture to the orgasmatron, and yourself. Don't fight it.
==========
I don't deny my feelings for you, A_D. Only rental space in my womb, and ubermarriage. These were my vows.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DID EVERYONE GO TO LUNCH?? I NEED 5 MORE REVIEWS TO GET ON hEAT
LET'S GO PEOPLE!
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:54:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Loki, life is hard isn't it?
Tinactin,
Holy shit man, where have you been hiding?
Submitted by tinactin (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:41:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Im terrible with those things.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:41:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have stacks of stuff piled around to make it look like I'm working, but I don't have anything really important to do until the first of the month.
In other news I snuck off to the library earlier, but after making the long trek down there I discovered that not only was the art-o-matic machine not restocked since the last time I was there, but the first Stephen King "Dark Towers" book that everyone keeps insisting I read has been missing from the uptown branch since May 2004.
Not only that, but it would seem that a little piece of my sock was slightly twisted on the entire walk making a sore spot on the outside of my right pinky toe right at the joint.
Why is it that fingers have three joints and toes only have two?
(made you look)
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kaos,
What happened to scotch and sours?? That one was a keeper! SoCo and lime is a favorite shooter of the fraternity crowd around here, so I tend to steer clear of it if only for the purpose of not being mistaken as one of those guys. Lemonparty works in every post. Every.
Anansie,
You obviously haven't had the 100 proof SoCo. That's the shit that will knock your figurative dick into your watch pocket!
Berty,
2 pounds??
<chinese accent>
I confuse. This how much you want book to weigh?
</chinese accent>
Orgasmatron and Lishy,
You two make me sick. Lishy, to deny the feelings me and you have for each other is just torture to the orgasmatron, and yourself. Don't fight it.
Scourge,
Don't stop camping this post. I've never had "heat" before. From what I understand, it's a real rush. like fileting your penos and rubbing your urethra against coarse grit sandpaper. I'll get back with you on that one.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:30:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, loki, that was...ummm...something else.
Like I said below, PASSING ACQUAINTANCE for me.
You, my dear, have gone on numerous dates with this concept, met each others families, and are discussing the possibility of moving in together.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 13:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suppose that it would be worth analyzing the scouge rating based on the three primary motivating needs of individuals.
Specifically: the need for power, the need for achievement, and the need for affiliation
I don't think the rating was based on the need for power because a +2 rating is the weakest of all the possible choices. Oh sure on the surface a 0 appears to be a weak rating, but statistically it's a +2. Think of it this way, if you have a post with say 9 ratings on it all of them a +2 then hitting it with a 0 lowers the overall rating of the post to 1.8 whereas a post with 9 ratings on it all 0 hit with a +2 only raises the rating of the post to 0.2. In each case, the change in the rating is, granted +/- 0.2 however there is no difference to the casual überuser in a post with a 0 and a 0.2 whereas the perception of a perfect 2.0 post is that it is much better than a post with a 1.8 rating.
so we can rule out the scouge need for power
Which brings us to the need for achievement. I'm going with a no on this one simply because I would think that in this particular incident, Average_Dan_San is the one with the need for achievement deduced from the simple act of hitting the hook me up button. All scouge did here was rate the product of someone else's need for achievement.
leaving the need for affiliation as the sole possible motivation for the scouge rating
To further analyze this, we know that the scouge was faced with having to pick among several rating options or {X € Z : -2 < = X < = 2}. The primary scouge concern turned out to be that incorrectly rating the post with a +2 could more easily be explained away and ultimately have fewer adverse consequences than rating an otherwise perfect +2 post with {X € Z : -2 < = X < 2} and killing it.
ergo the need for affiliation seems to be the primary motivating factor in this case
QED
(I learned this motivation thing at a corporate soft skills seminar and therefore, it must be true)
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:56:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wierd drunk, *too
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:51:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
3 - Southern Comfort with Lime Juice on ice is my new favorite drink.
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Whoa. Really. I never thought those two would go together. Something new to try.
Am I the only person who can drink a bottle of So Co and only feel mildly buzzed? I always thought it was pretty weak. And it's a wierd drunk to, almost like a dirty drunk, not the good dirty, but the "I feel kinda gross for no apparent reason" dirty. Or am I just a freak? I'm thinking the latter.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 - My ex girlfriend's cousin was a master of the crane game. He got something everytime he played it. I believe he's about 12 years old. Pussy.
2 - I'm impressed. You worked Lemonparty into a tale in a legitimate manner.
3 - Southern Comfort with Lime Juice on ice is my new favorite drink.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:48:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:36:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate old men, and I hate you" I try to explain.
--------------------
I am picturing a drunken, stumbling, slurring kurt angle saying this in a bar, and I love him for it.
---
+2 for a wrestling reference from a woman.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:45:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've won crap outta those things before. usually only takes me about 50 cents.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:36:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate old men, and I hate you" I try to explain.
--------------------
I am picturing a drunken, stumbling, slurring kurt angle saying this in a bar, and I love him for it.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
loki started it.
I just have a passing acquaintance with the topic is all.
I thought I was done camping here? I just can't leave. I'm a loser.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:22:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Gah! I deal with those damn Pugh matrices enough at work! You dare go and post them here on UBER too, scourge?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:20:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:14:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOT! I'M IN AN INTERNET CREW!!!
It's like when I was in high school band.....
Except not as cool
---
Hahaha at this.
I have fucking work to do.
I'm all done camping on this post.
Where's Hogan when you need him?
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:17:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice picture.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:14:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOOOT! I'M IN AN INTERNET CREW!!!
It's like when I was in high school band.....
Except not as cool
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:10:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shoot..I forgot to state on my post that my womb has been reserved solely and infintely for The Orgasmatron. It is as it has always uberbeen. My bad.
aaaanything else you want to call me, Danny_baby.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:09:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:29:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
scouge is part of my crew- you know the ones-
Ogasmaton
edskieslookfake
Stagge Lee
Poffesional Peon
And possibly, Aveage_Dan. The above must approve all uberaffair requests. They are however, fair.
---
We'll have to schedule a conference to discuss the possibility of the _Dan affair.
Conference/Kama Sutra re-enactment.
Conference/kama Sutra re-enactment followed by a barbecue.
I'm hungry.
NIce work on leaving out the Rs Lishy. I looked and said,
'Aha, a typo.'
'And another.'
'And ano...'
'Oh. I'm stupid.'
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Or at the very least a trip to the Maury Povich show for a paternity test.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:04:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pistols at dawn, then.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey O-man, that's just what she told me to start calling her. I have no idea why? It could have to do something with that fact that while yours made it there first, my sperm whipped your sperms..eh, arses? Sperm dont' have arses do they??
Thank you sCOURGE, that was very helpful to me.
Truly, you are a sage.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:00:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.isixsigma.com/dictionary/Pugh_Matrix-384.htm
Here's an easy primer.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:59:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your baby mama?
My sperm got there first, Yul.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:50:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh NOES!! My baby momma broke my streak!!
This saddens me.
What the hell is a pugh matrix?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well loki, I suppose it could be, execpt I didn't really identify the Voice of the Customer, because I didn't do ANY Customer identification at all before I started the decision making process.
No...scratch that.
IF you were to look at Uber as a whole, rather than just _Dan, as the customer base, I guess I DID identify the VOC. We all know what the various Uber customers look to gain from their Ubering experience.
+2 streaks, -2 streaks, dicksuckery galore...no need to go on here.
SO, my QFD was as good as could be expected given the limitations placed on me by the variances in the customer base. I. e., it would have been impossible to meet the wants of every possible customer. Specifically the customer whose end goal in this Uber marketplace is to obtain the perfect -2 streak.
Yeah. I'm going to go with YES.
My answer to this is YES.
Pugh Matrix indeed.
But really I just wanted to make a cup of tea.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suck.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:30:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:30:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.....and I forgot to rate.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:29:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
scouge is part of my crew- you know the ones-
Ogasmaton
edskieslookfake
Stagge Lee
Poffesional Peon
And possibly, Aveage_Dan. The above must approve all uberaffair requests. They are however, fair.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:20:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
who is scouge?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's right I said scouge.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:15:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Was that a Pugh Matrix, Scouge?
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhh, the great Earl of Grey! I am very familiar with his work. In my fiefdom, he liberated thousands of peasants and slaves. Unfortunately for the pheasants, they were all killed and eaten.
Which just goes to show how much an "H" can do for you. Or lack therof.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:09:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Were you curious about my tea?
It's Earl Grey.
AND, I always remember the _. That's just how I roll.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:03:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not reading all that. Have a +2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:01:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hello_Scourge
I have to agree, that would be a tough decision to make, I'm glad you went with the latter because, as we all know, RATINGS ARE MY LIFE AND I CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT THEM!!11
Good use of the _ in your review by the way
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:58:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh. I see.
Hello _Dan.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I guess some type of comment should go here, but I walked away to make a cup of tea and forgot what I was rating.
The smart thing to do would be to click the back button so as to refresh my memory as to what I felt was deserving of my time, but that just makes too much sense to be any good for anybody.
The thing is, the rating was set at a zero. I don't know if that was what I wanted it to be, or if I just hadn't set a rating yet. Now, that should make me go back just to be sure I don't ruin someones precious +2 or -2 streak, in case they have one going, but again... I'm just not going to do that. Sensibility is overrated.
I've really dug my heels in on this one and you're going to have to live with it.
So here's my official (official meaning not worth anything to anybody but me) call on this:
If you have a -2 streak going, it can't possibly be on something worse than...say... Urbanes vagina. So you don't deserve the Worst Ever spot anyway.
If this is simply some run of the mill tripe, so common around here, I have made your Uber day. That means I'm a hero. Go shower my posts with +2s to show me that you worship the ground I walk on.
And if this is a +2 streak, my rating won't make me the asshole who broke it.
So, whoever owns this and whatever post this is, enjoy this rating.
You probably don't deserve it.
My tea tastes quite good. Just in case you were curious about that bit.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Axo, why have you been avoiding my emails??
It makes me sad in pants.
Sac,
Can me and you have an Uber affair??
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Shut up Average_Dan" said my best of friends. "You're drunk again and just yelled at some old man"
Apparently this isn't the first time that something like this had transpired.
"I hate old men, and I hate you" I try to explain.
"Someone get this asshole in the car" said my friend. v
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE A VAGINA
DERP
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:44:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Had it not been for the tankard of Irish whisky I had consumed due to the shitty shooting by Jared Jeffries
-------
Auto Former IU basketball player +2.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:36:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried my hand at one of those machines a few years back.
On the second attempt I pulled a stuffed gorilla.
And then I totally had ass sex with it.
____________
wow, I did the same thing with a unicorn I got!
---
I'm thinking the horse did you, right?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:41:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Booze. Ok. Stuffed tigers. Ogay.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:40:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that . . . Magneto?
Sweeeeet.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to read your autobiography. I will pay a small fee.
2, maybe 2 and a half pounds.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:36:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Win me the elephant, Danny. No, no, not that one, the purple one. No, you have to go right. GO RIGHT. DON'T GRAB YET YOU'RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!! GOD YOU SUCK AT THIS!! WHY CAN'T YOU EVER WIN ME ANYTHING???
Sigh.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:36:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried my hand at one of those machines a few years back.
On the second attempt I pulled a stuffed gorilla.
And then I totally had ass sex with it.
____________
wow, I did the same thing with a unicorn I got!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:34:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hee, hee! I can be a jerk and no one can stop me!
-- Homer Simpson
Itchy & Scratchy Land
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tried my hand at one of those machines a few years back.
On the second attempt I pulled a stuffed gorilla.
And then I totally had ass sex with it.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:29:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This happened, whereas the blowjob in the bathroom by some college chick story I just read did not.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 10:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks for the editing help Ghola