Dear Suicide Bombers (706 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.58 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-04-26 11:17:26 EDT
Dear Suicide Bombers,
Please accept my most humble and warmest greetings. Trust in me when I say that I love your work and the sincerity in which you carry it out. I speak to all of you and hope that this letter reaches you before you become a crater that scatters entrails.
Keep this in consideration that, as people, we're all fanatical when it comes to certain subject matter. Personally, I prefer to bomb abortion clinics; they're my infidels. Whereas, you prefer to center yourselves, pulling the pin or hitting the button about Americans and other foreign powers, religions that disagree with your own and governments that have disavowed you. I applaud this, relish it and relate this as my own plight.
We use mis-information, unintelligible argument and rhetoric as our weapons of choice; explosions are merely a by-product. We're the same.
Now, the purpose of this letter:
I speak for all of the "conventional" Terror Explosives Engineers. We have a Union, now. Full health and dental, we'll probably have optical and paid sick leave, soon. Our wives are taken care of if we're killed or captured; this could be beneficial to you, given that you're permitted to have more than one wife. This probably doesn't interest you as longevity appears not to suit you.
We're worried about the future of the business.
Given the attention that you garner with your clear and concise message of BOOM, it dilutes any action, which we, as non-suicidal Terror Explosives Engineers could put forth. You're making us look like we're not committed, like WE'RE amateurs! That McVeigh guy: he was an amateur. His partner, Nichols: AMATEUR. I am no amateur.
I can certainly appreciate your situation, operating with a complete lack of technology and fighting an uphill battle. Hell, you live in desolation and probably haven't the opportunity to bathe. Even with this apparent detriment, you still manage to take pride in your work, smelling like shit and all. If forty virgins were waiting for me in the afterlife, even though I prefer a girl that's been around the block once or twice (fucking a virgin is like fucking a corpse, not that I've done that one lonely night in the graveyard last week), I'd put a bomb in my asshole, set up a fart-powered trigger, go to a Christian Revival and heal them all with a one megaton burst of methane.
Grant the Union one favor. One tiny, little, insignificant request, plea, most humbly. Is there any way that you could space the exploding bodies apart so we could get noticed again? We all have to live and die together on this great big berg that we call earth and I'm sure that Muhammad, or Mohammed, or whoever wouldn't mind if you limited your explosions to say, once or twice a month. Not only is attention harder to get, but it's getting harder to get paid adequately.
Think about it: you're being offered a job and when it comes time to talk compensation, the employer balks at your requirements, stating that he could bring in a "towel-head, D-derka-derk" that would do it for free and eliminate all ties in the process. They call you these names. Think about that if you're offered a job from an infidel. They're meanies.
In closing, I love what you guys do; no one does it better, more efficiently or fervently. Just give us chance, that's all. We want to blow shit up, too. We want to be heard, dammit! I cordially invite you to join the Union to reap its benefits. We could exchange ideas on how to terrorize the masses and kill countless civilians and innocents.
Please feel free to comment and provide your input. Also, please note that while I accept mailed letters, I will not be opening any envelope or package that does not have the thickness of a letter. Just kidding, LOL!
Thank you for reading and I hope to hear back from you soon!
Sincerely,
Local 666
Conventional Terror Explosive Engineers
User Reviews
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:47:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanted to put more foreskin into this, but I reached my foreskin quota for the day.
Apollo, you need to do something about these gas prices. It costs too much to fill up my full-size truck, my boat and I have had to switch to using grain alcohol as an accelerant for burning down low income housing.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True dat appolo!!1one
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
needs more foreskin
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-26 17:50:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"This probably doesn't interest you as longevity appears not to suit you."
"Given the attention that you garner with your clear and concise message of BOOM"
Hahahaha!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-26 16:08:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well written... even though I know that wasn't the point.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shoot me an email.
terrysterling21.at.hotmail.com
I'm fishing all day Saturday; Sunday, I'm working the Bay Bridge Boat Show in the AM. Let me know, I may be down.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-04-26 14:02:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking unions. It makes us independant bombers feel like we have to join if for no other reason than the pay.
Hey EMC, me and Maddog are going to get some beers this weekend, care to join us?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:46:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:21:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if they bother paying life insurance.
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It would be a hell of a racket. Million dollar payouts with terrorist group as the beneficiaries.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if they bother paying life insurance.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-26 12:12:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:19:29 (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Conventional Terror Explosives Engineers,
DERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKDERDERKAKAA
Sincerely,
Suicide Bombers
==================================================================================================
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Homer/Apu/Moe:
You can do it, Otto!
You can do it, Otto!
Apu: Make this spare, I'll give you free gelato!
Moe: Then go back to my place where I will get you blotto!
Homer: Domo arigato, Mister Roboto!
Submitted by MisterCeltic (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Clear and concise message of BOOM" - classic
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just thought it would be a funny premise.
Crazy fanatics. Is there any other kind?
Submitted by sosomething (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:38:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading. I didn't crack up, but it's well-written.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:37:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Is there anything more beautifully fitting than a suicide bomber who doesn't manage to kill any innocents.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:36:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WoW, jUsT wOw.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Herta herpa di derka jihad mohammed herpa derka derka jihad.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-04-26 11:19:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dear Conventional Terror Explosives Engineers,
DERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKADERKDERDERKAKAA
Sincerely,
Suicide Bombers