Aids, Dickface and Hobo Man (2505 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.84 on 56 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Echo (View user info) at 2006-04-26 20:24:54 EDT
They're cats. Those aren't their real names. That's what I call them based on their particular disease/personality/residence. I'd also like to note that I'd rather have a dog, so you don't have to tell me what a pansy I am for having cats.
Aids had AIDS. I use the past tense so you know he died. Of AIDS. It's sad, really, because he was the only decent one of the three. As a matter of fact, he kicked some serious ass. But Aids is gone now and really has no relevance to the story other than his awesome name.
Dickface is a dickface. This cat has been pampered from birth and generally does whatever the fuck he wants. He sleeps all day and tears through the house all night, meowing like a fucking banshee. He scratches my door between 1 and 4 every morning until I get up and let him in, only to get up again to let him out moments later.
Dickface also has digestive problems, so if I over feed him he pukes on the floor. Or my pillow. Basically, wherever he is at the time. Sometimes he eats half of his own vomit, but most of the time he leaves the whole pile for me to discover with my feet. Or head.
Dickface will only drink water from the faucet. Yes, the faucet. If he's desperate, he'll dip his paw in the water bowl and let it drip into his mouth. Think a king being fed a vine of grapes. That's what it looks like.
Hobo Man is a hobo cat. I don't know where he came from but he certainly has an owner. Either that or he gnawed his own balls off. Somehow, he was admitted access to the house. At first, Hobo Man feared me and would run away whenever we came across each other. He's grown more accustomed to me recently. In fact, I think he loves me. He started killing small animals and bringing them to the door. When he saw the extreme disappointment on my face, he killed a raccoon. A little better.
Now that these fuckers have been properly introduced, I'll get to the short, unsatisfying story.
With Aids gone, Hobo Man began spending more and more time in and around the house. Apparently, cats can smell AIDS because Hobo Man stayed the fuck away whenever Aids was around. I don't blame him though. I don't want the FIV either. Dickface doesn't give a shit about anything so he and Hobo Man get on fine. Aside from the occasional (daily) nose up the asshole, Dickface and Hobo Man mind their own. But today, they had an encounter.
I was standing at the backdoor thinking about how it's good to own land when Hobo Man cut through the hemlocks and headed towards the door. As he neared I saw the carcass of a recently murdered squirrel in his jaw. He brought it up to the door and stared through the glass triumphantly. I stepped back, hoping he'd eat the damn thing so I didn't have to fling it off the deck with my hockey stick. Then I screamed at Hobo Man.
"I don't want your shitty dead squirrel! That's not a present. Bring me a bear and we'll talk!"
At this point, Dickface was shaken from his slumber and looked a little annoyed, but fuck him. He's a cat. Dickface walked up to the window to see what all the commotion was about. For a while, they just stared at each other. Then Dickface, possibly jealous he didn't have anything disgusting in his mouth, puked on the fucking door. Cum isn't the only thing that leaves streaks if you don't clean it right away.
User Reviews
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-06-03 15:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-03 15:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Geophillyx (user info) at 2007-06-03 13:39:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
the last part was priceless
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-03 12:50:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hate cats. And yours look like you have interfered with them.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-04 20:45:01 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-12-16 11:00:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://stuff.ubersite.com/11564810315827659/1/Miss-goatse.jpg
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2006-11-21 15:12:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-11-21 14:52:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This was, and is, hilarious.
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2006-11-21 14:49:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap, I dunno why but I could not stop laughing. You named your fucking cats aids, dickface and hobo man? I think I just squirted some hershey
Submitted by Slighty_Obnoxious (user info) at 2006-05-12 17:11:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-03 01:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When in doubt, it is always Electro. Especially when it comes to itchy sores on your dick.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-28 13:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
piss, diarrhea or electro. I CAN'T TELL WHAT CAME OUT OF MY ASSHOLE!!!
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure it wasn't electro?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 21:13:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
are you sure it wasn't just liquid feces aka diarrhea?
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-27 20:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just pissed out of my ass.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:58:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
My cat lived with FIV for about 10 years. He never got sick. He died at 19 when his kidneys failed. He was also a stone cold killer. One time, he lost 25% of his body weight. He wasn't eating and dry-heaved a lot. We took him to the vet (this is when we found out he had FIV), who found out he had a giant hairball tied to the base of his tongue by some fishing line he had swallowed. Coincidentally, our neighbor's cat lost his giant, poofy tail in a cat fight around the same time.
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that's very similar to what happened to Aids. he started losing weight, he was 5 1/2 pounds when he died, so he lost something like 60% of his body weight in the last few months.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:22:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
twattery? i like that. my vocabulary is ever expanding!
i wonder how long i'll have to wait before i can actually fit it into a conversation.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:17:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that'll teach me to read reviews first. here's another +2 for my twattery.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus fucking 2, man. I love this post.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
don't sweat it.
it's a celica though. some jackface managed to get it on the first guess.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahhhh and i didn't fucking +2 it. shit. sorry.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahhahhaha. man that made me laugh good. awesome.
car... nissan fairlady z? or maybe a gremlin. i think there was a random ford 4 banger mustang hatchback from the 80's that had an ass like that too.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:55:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm prepared. 10 cm, right?
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:50:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You want me to shit fuck into your cunt fuck twat shit?
PS
I'm molesting my way back up there around 5/16-5/17.....prepare your butthole for the ride of a life time.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 13:44:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was superaids, correct? i believe only superaids can be passed through stares.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-27 12:00:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate to rain on your parade, but I was the one who gave your cat AIDS. I just stared at it for 5 minutes, and BAM! you now how it goes.
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I agree with PrevertEnabler. You really couldn't have come up with better names.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-27 10:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Describing a cat as an asshole is a touch of class
Submitted by Spacegrass (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My cat lived with FIV for about 10 years. He never got sick. He died at 19 when his kidneys failed. He was also a stone cold killer. One time, he lost 25% of his body weight. He wasn't eating and dry-heaved a lot. We took him to the vet (this is when we found out he had FIV), who found out he had a giant hairball tied to the base of his tongue by some fishing line he had swallowed. Coincidentally, our neighbor's cat lost his giant, poofy tail in a cat fight around the same time.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:47:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate cats. But this was good.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cats are gross, but this story was fucking funny
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-04-27 09:01:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PrevertEnabler (user info) at 2006-04-27 08:49:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That cat really did look like it had AIDS. Don't ask me why. He just did.
Dickface really does look like a smug son of a bitch.
Hobo man...yeah he really looks like a stone cold killer.
Those names couldn't be any more fitting.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-27 07:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-27 07:24:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto AIDS +2
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2006-04-27 07:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Too funny. The cats names, that is.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-04-27 03:12:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's not an AMC eagle is it?
Plus, this post was pretty damned funny, I love cats and have three in America
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 01:35:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll give myself a +2 if you tell me when.
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-04-27 01:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto +2 for going to 311 in Ohio.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-27 00:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:38:53 (#)
Ranking: 2
funny cat story = auto +2
is it a celica?
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yep, it's an '81 celica.
Submitted by mono_blanco (user info) at 2006-04-27 00:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:28:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
This squirrel is suffering from severe lack of a head.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thanks for giving me deja vu, asshole.
Oh, and my cat scatches on my door at 1 a.m. too. He also eats floss out of the garbage can. He bites me all the time. He hates it when he gets in trouble and will hold it against me for at least a day.
Me: "Heph, you asshole, stop eating those flowers!" *Smack*
Heph: MEOOROROOORRRRWWWWWW
Then he'll start biting my legs, arms or face. He bit my mom once.
Stupid mom.
Submitted by Haphazard (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by missedthepoint (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:38:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny cat story = auto +2
is it a celica?
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:21:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for turdburgaling!
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i've been trying to incorporate more turdburglering in hopes of auto +2's for turdburglering
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:21:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for turdburgaling!
Submitted by greEn_uGly (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:07:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i fucking love cats
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if sniffing strange assholes makes you a pimp then call me a mother fucking P-I-M-P
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hobo Man is quite a pimp cat. And cats suck Loki balls. I've seen it.
Submitted by Brandnamecommercial (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:28:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This squirrel is suffering from severe lack of a head.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know like
'Dickfor, Punkbitch and Asshole'
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-04-26 21:16:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cause
"Aids, Dickface, and Hobo Man"
...sounds like a law firm.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-26 20:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
actually nevermind. i don't give a fuck.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-26 20:50:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like cats but I like Hobo Man.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-26 20:48:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my apologies if a decapitated squirrel is considered NSFW