Beaten Like A Rented Mule (1207 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.68 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve's IHOP: Captain Average (View user info) at 2006-04-26 21:50:49 EDT
"Yes," proclaimed the portly gentleman standing at the counter. "I'd like to rent a mule."
In the back, Poor Tubby shuddered. He peaked around the corner to catch a glimpse of the speaker. Slowly, the off-gray mule stepped back in his corral. He looked like the type that liked to beat. Liked to beat mules, that is.
At the counter, Mrs. Glenderson smiled brightly. "Yes sir. We've got just the mule for you. But you have to promise me one thing."
"Yes? And what would that be? I can't make any commitments until I discover what it is indeed I am committing to." He adjusted his belt and coughed up a gob of spit that splattered in the corner.
"I don't take to kindly to folks beating me mules," Mrs. Glenderson warned. "You won't be beating me rented mules, will ya?"
"Why ma'am I resent the accusation!"
"I don't trust you as far as I can throw you," Mrs. Glenderson adjusted her glasses. "But you're pretty fat, so I wouldn't be able to throw you far."
"Ma'am, will I be renting any mules from you this afternoon or will I have to travel down the road to the next mule depository?" The stranger folded his arms and frowned. It was clear he wanted to rent a mule. Very clear. So clear you'd swear the window was rolled down rather than up.
Mrs. Glenderson picked up the bridle. "Follow me, sir. Follow me well for I will be moving quite fast indeed."
Poor Tubby started quivering. Poor Tubby was a poor mule indeed.
The stranger, whose name turned out to be Horace Juggs, paid to rent Poor Tubby for the afternoon to haul some firewood up Cotter's Hill. Cotter's Hill was the largest hill in all of Fingerton County; not that Fingerton County was famous for its hills. It was more famous for the honey Old Man Vernon sold from his wagon on the corner. But honey has nothing to do with this story. The honey isn't even that good. In fact, it's famous because it's so terrible it makes you pee rage.
So Horace Juggs loaded up Poor Tubby with his load of firewood. Mrs. Glenderson counted her money with an evil grin. She may have warned Horace Juggs not to beat Poor Tubby, but alas she never meant a word of it. Mrs. Glenderson was quite the evil bitch and hated those mules with an undying passion. Mules, you see, killed her father.
Horace Juggs was in from Nebraska. Or the Netherlands. Some where that started with an N. His plan was to haul the firewood up the hill and go from there. He was never quite good at planning anything that involved firewood.
They passed Old Man Vernon's pee-rage honey wagon. And they also passed the crazy physic lady that kept screaming that the sun was going to explode. No one ever listens to the crazy physic ladies from Fingerton County.
They were hardly a mile from the mule depository when Poor Tubby started to stumble.
"Darn it, mule!" Horace Juggs cursed. "If I hadn't promised not to beat you, you'd be getting quite the beating right now!"
Poor Tubby shuddered.
Poor Tubby was frightfully afraid.
Poor Tubby shit himself.
Indeed, Horace Juggs was quite displeased. But still, they trudged on.
Another mile down the road, Poor Tubby stepped on a jagged rock in the middle of the road. His leg started to buckle and when it did, some of the firewood tumbled to the ground. Tumble, tumble clatter! CLATTER! SMASH!
"DARN IT MULE!" Horace Juggs screamed. "You're hankering for a beating! I'll beat you until I can beats no more and hire some one else to beats you for me!"
Poor Tubby. Poor, Poor Tubby. That's why he was called 'Poor Tubby.'
He was about to be beaten like a rented mule. For the fifth time that week.
Another mile down the road, Poor Tubby fell clean over when a leaf brushed against his flank. Firewood and Horace Juggs himself went a flying. Horace Juggs cursed Poor Tubby as he rolled down the hill. He rolled and rolled with firewood hitting him in the face the entire roll down.
When he finally clamored to his feet and took off after Poor Tubby, he grabbed Poor Tubby by the bridle and shook wildly.
"Mule! You're getting the beating! The beating of a million lifetimes!"
Poor Tubby didn't know what he was in for. But neither did Horace Juggs.
No one saw what was coming.
Except for the psychic who tried to warn everyone that the sun was going to blow up.
Because that's what happened.
The sun blew up and everyone was beaten like a rented mule.
Even the rented mules.
The moral of the story is: if you're going to haul firewood with a mule, make sure the sun isn't about the blow up. I'd hate to spend the last minutes of my life with dirty, asshole mule.
Fuck, mules are gay.
User Reviews
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-07-27 06:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:50:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't terrible, but I don't see why this is so highly ranked.
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You don't see the awesomeness, because you suck at life.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-24 02:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:22:23 (#)
Ranking: 0
I keep regretting that I didn't title it 'Rented Like A Beaten Mule' but I'll save that for later.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-01 09:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:29:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a really good title. So much that I din't think the post that results from it should have anything to do with mules. Fuck mules, asses get what the want because they earned it.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:22:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I keep regretting that I didn't title it 'Rented Like A Beaten Mule' but I'll save that for later.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-29 03:14:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Solid Stevie post.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-04-27 23:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ALL YOUR MULES ARE BELONG TO ME
or however it goes.
You have a strange brain.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-27 17:01:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-25 13:53:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
Still don't have time to read it, but it's been labeled for future reference!
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-04-27 16:06:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
my underwear are from India.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:56:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha.
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:49:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha ha mule
Submitted by Haphazard (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:12:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't see it coming.
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-27 15:02:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:47:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
During the day, I was still crying like a little bitch after Detroit lost last night.
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Ya know, as a Blues fan, I'm very pre-disposed to hating the Wings. However, there isn't anything in the league right now that outweighs my pure seething hatred for Chris Pronger. So yeah, uh... GO WINGS WHOO!!!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-27 14:54:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 08:57:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
"They passed Old Man Vernon's pee-rage honey wagon."
why are you talking about the honey wagon. Do you know what a honey wagon is?
Hahahaha.
SOME ONE GOT IT.
That's why the honey sucked so much!
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-04-27 11:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It wasn't terrible, but I don't see why this is so highly ranked.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-04-27 08:57:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"They passed Old Man Vernon's pee-rage honey wagon."
why are you talking about the honey wagon. Do you know what a honey wagon is?
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-27 08:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:42:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written. I wouldn't say kicker of all ass but I truely enjoyed this keep up the good work.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-27 07:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:D
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-04-27 05:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:47:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
During the day, I was still crying like a little bitch after Detroit lost last night.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2006-04-27 02:17:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah I'm glad I read this.
My brain and mouth don't seem to be working together today.
I was trying to explain to my manager that
we should put those grip strip things on the stairs
'you know so you can't slip?'
It took me 20 mins to convince him I didn't call him
Cuntlips.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-27 02:02:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I realized that after I posted it. I'm like 'Fuck it.'
When I write at work, I have to have the view shrunk down so no one reads what I'm writing. Plus, I can't see worth shit.
Submitted by hooch4 (user info) at 2006-04-27 01:59:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good story but they way it was written made it a little hard to understand at times.
BTW:
Physic =/= Psychic
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2006-04-27 00:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beater of all mule
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-04-27 00:08:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Poor Tubby. Poor, Poor Tubby. That's why he was called 'Poor Tubby.'
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
During the day, I was still crying like a little bitch after Detroit lost last night.
SEE NOW?
Submitted by Confuzitron (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:45:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
y'know stevie, if you really wanted to get on the MVA this bad, you'd probably be better served posting this in the daytime.
Submitted by plushpeach (user info) at 2006-04-26 23:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very well written. I wouldn't say kicker of all ass but I truely enjoyed this keep up the good work.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:40:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor Tubby.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always liked the name horace for some reason.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just got a free water from the vending machine!
I didn't even want a water but FUCK YEAH I GOT FREE WATER!
...and no, it wasn't the water fountain. This is a bottle of water, not the sloppy water fountain near that creepy guy's desk. You know. That guy I hate...
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's clear to me that no one else appreciates this cliche as much as I do...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:01:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now is yer chance. Go rate the IGKTW posts. Please.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-04-26 22:00:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck me. Not quite what I expected, but well-written all the same. Heh.