Reasons why the War on Terror isn't working -- and some possible solutions. (1206 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.12 on 65 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Wardy (View user info) at 2006-04-28 11:57:28 EDT
I think it's pretty safe to say that I'm not a military expert. Granted, when I was seven years old I had the most extensive G.I. Joe collection of any 1st grader in my school and could successfully storm my base with minimal casualties, but I think it's safe to assume that the opposition didn't stand a chance to begin with . I mean, nobody can take down Snake Eyes, nobody. That being said, I would contend that I am an expert on failure. Twenty-two years of experience and a history of nominal success would suggest as much, so it can be argued that I have a good track record of analyzing everything through the use of hindsight and slanted memory. It's a pretty safe bet that when the fan is on high and the walls are covered in shit, I'll have a good explanation afterwards of what went wrong.
There's also a good chance I bought the fan, plugged it in, forgot I paid the electric bill that month, and started flinging feces into it.
So here are a few reasons why I think the War or Terror has been ineffective:
1) What's in a name - I think we can all appreciate the noble efforts of horror novelists and movie makers and their abilities to scare the pants off of us for years. With that in mind, I think it's pretty fair assessment to say we aren't scared of shit anymore. After a fifty year Cold War where our primary defense was showing videos to kids that told them in the event of a nuclear attack they should hind under their wooden desks and cover their heads, we have pretty much bred a society that couldn't give a shit what the government says. We'd rather be jerked off by Michael Jackson than duct tape our windows with suran wrap. Why? Because we'd rather be dead in both situations. With crime rates being what they are in the United States, plus with the ambiguous success of the War on Drugs, we tend to shrug off support for such ventures that seemingly have no real target or plan in mind. A few things I might suggest the US military to get involved in would be:
a) The War on Nick Lachey and anything he ever markets ever. I can assure you that I don't give a shit what's 'left of him' after the divorce of his wife. We are probably all in agreement that the relationship was doomed for failure from the start, mostly because Nick Lachey is probably pissed off all the time. Why is he pissed off all the time? Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that he found out he was in a boy band that featured a music video with Screech? I don't know, like I said I'm not a scientist or anything, but this is probably a good start.
b) The War on Pants. I think we could all appreciate the noble intentions of this feminine campaign. I'm really not sure when it started, but since when did women hate the notion of wearing pants so much? Trust me, I'm not talking about my sex life, because if any of you have ever had the unfortunate opportunity to meet me or talk to me, you know that my sex life consists of Astroglide, a warm towel, and some beaver porn. No, I'm talking about women completely rejecting the decision making process with regards to the weather channel and vouching to wear capris. Yes, that's right, Capri pants seem to be the biggest threat to feminine pants makers everywhere. Women love them because it takes all the hassle out of reading into that whole number thing with the little superscripted circle after it. They've also introduced these gaucho things, which apparently are a pant-skirt hybrid with the same apparent intentions in mind: complete annihilation of the pant market. I'd say the war has a high chance of success rate due to the lack of decision making abilities of the female psyche - which is also a major reason a woman will never be elected president of the US. After all, if she can't make up her mind on what pants to wear based on the weather, how can we possibly expect her to make up her mind on the economic effects of a trade embargo with... Somalia?
I really don't know countries and states very well, but I've seen 'Black Hawk Down' a few times, and I think we should embargo them. I also have no idea what the word embargo means. Sounds like something you do to your wagon in Oregon Trail to cross a river.
2) FEMA is not in the picture. Seriously, what the fuck is the US thinking by not including these guys? I know what you're thinking, the whole Katrina debacle. But that's exactly why they need to be utilized! See, what I'm doing here is thinking like a General and thinking like a terrorist at the same time. It's really pretty fucking easy if you just close your eyes and smoke whatever dust you can sweep up off the floor, so don't look at me like I'm some sort of genius - I can't see you anyways.
Look at it this way, the terrorists are in their house or mosque or whatever it is you call the place where they meet. They're building a 'dirty bomb' with used car parts from a 1978 brownish-blue Range Rover and a few ABBA eight tracks. All of a sudden they hear helicopters and laser beams in the background. "Oh shit! It's the US military! Quick hide everything in the burlap sacks" Bam. Another US attempt at justice failed.
Now picture the same situation, but a few weeks after they've all met and got everything pretty much built - maybe even destroyed - some guy with a clipboard shows up. They are completely confused so they let him in. He says he's the FEMA rep and has a delivery for them. Of course they sign for it so as not to raise any suspicions of their dastardly plans, and the FEMA rep goes back to his truck. Six men jump out of the back, carrying two sand bags each. They throw them at the terrorists feet and smile, saying "We are doing the best we can."
The terrorists heads explode out of complete bewilderment. War over.
3) Brown people all look the same. I'm not trying to be racist with this statement, I'm just saying that if I saw al-Zamoomba (the al-Qaeda leader in Iraq) driving a cab down Water Street, I'd probably hail him down and strike up a conversation with him while he drove me to the bar. I understand there's a $25 million reward for this guy, but it doesn't mean shit if no one can pick him out of crowd of 25 million brown people. The only reason we caught Saddam was because he was hanging out in six foot deep holes and not showering (scent is a major giveaway in guiltiness, that's why they use dogs with good noses to track down criminals). This is a good way to let everyone know you're guilty. He would've been much better off buying a sweet pad in southern Cal and hooking up with prostitutes for the rest of his life. Everyone would have just thought he was the really rich Arab that smelled funny.
But like I said, I'm really good at the whole hindsight thing.
4) We aren't spending enough money. Everyone complains about how expensive the War on Terror is, but I would contend that it really isn't expensive enough. Do you have any idea how much it would cost to get Elton John to play a concert for the Afghani people? I'm guessing at least a billion, a billion and half maybe. Add in George Michael, Phil Collins, and Kenny G and you're looking at a concert appearance bill of at least eight or nine million dollars. That doesn't even include travel expenses or per diems. Why is this important?
BECAUSE ARABS LOVE THESE GUYS! They can't get enough. Every taxi that I've every been in that's been driven by a guy from a place named by Stan has blared these artists at maximum level over his radio. Why? I don't know, probably because they are sweet. What I do know is that the likes of Osama and the rest of his gang of num-chuk wielding terrorist ninjas could not resist the temptation to make it to these concerts.
With the awesome music and plethora of impressionable minds, they'd be fools not to. So what do we do then? Well we bomb the mother fucker! Now of course there will be unavoidable casualties, Elton John and the others will probably die. But like my grandpa always said, "Two birds with one stone is better than a bird in the bush eating your dick off." I'm really not sure how that translates, but I think you get the idea.
So there you have it, I guess. I'm not saying that I have all the answers - I'm just saying that I have looked at the data and these are some glaring issues that need immediate attention. Let me be clear: I have no idea what the success rate of these proposals would be, only because I don't know much about math or logic stuff. What I do know is that we need to find an answer for this quagmire we've gotten ourselves into, otherwise we are headed down a long road for a long time with no gas station to stop at and ask for directions.
Oh, and Favre is coming back.
User Reviews
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-02 20:57:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
that whooshing sound you hear in your head all day isn't god farting. it's parody and sarcasm flying over your head.
Submitted by dismas712 (user info) at 2008-02-02 19:49:53 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
who said it isnt working? besides the media who is trying its damnedest to make us lose. youve been misinformed.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-02 18:51:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
what the fuck is that supposed to mean?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2008-02-02 18:08:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
heh.
This was actually quite enjoyable.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2008-02-02 17:40:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
haha! ah!
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-07-21 15:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
holy crap i suck.
Submitted by Sinistral (user info) at 2006-06-11 21:08:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also have no idea what the word embargo means. Sounds like something you do to your wagon in Oregon Trail to cross a river.
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Bobby Joe has died of teh ghey aids. Would you like to...
1. Provide a proper funeral
2. Dump his faggit ass on the side of the road
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 to negate Zanatos. Poor kid, I mean, he's already in Wisco!
Submitted by Zanatos (user info) at 2006-06-11 20:29:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
meh. -2 because you write like you think you're an authority on creative writing...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:59:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a comment would've been nice.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-01 10:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-04-30 17:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I wanna know where da gold at.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-30 16:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-30 11:30:01 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rooney broke his foot.
Shit shit and treble shit.
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rooney's hardcore. even if he's declared not fit to play, he'll give the finger to the doctors, coaches, and anyone that says he can't.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-30 11:30:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rooney broke his foot.
Shit shit and treble shit.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-30 11:25:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because i'm still drunk.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-04-30 05:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Spurs 'av never been in the champions league before (I think) and the first time they look like they're gonna get their chance, and they're probably going to be disqualified by the team down the road setting off some obscure new rule by getting in a highly unlikely situation.
Sucks for them.
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How VERY dare you .......!1 No we haven't been in the 'Champions League', we have however won the 'old' European cup, in fact we were the first English team to do it.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-04-29 00:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-29 00:03:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:29:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:27:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Auto ETS retaliation +2
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indeed http://www.ubersite.com/m/85276
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-04-29 00:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:29:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:27:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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Auto ETS retaliation +2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 23:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and i'm drunk. keep at it dudes, keep at it.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 21:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
milwaukee
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-04-28 21:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know what the fuck DCWoody is talking about, but yeah..
Represent YOURSELF homeboy. Fucking wisco.
what part are you in again? milwaukee? madtown?
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 21:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i hate shiney metal things.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 21:02:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
below as in...erm below...under, but I guess you meant below as in south.
arse not ass is what i meant
"so how do you get women to sleep with you? and how do fuck fat chicks?"
I'm good with the ladies, beats the hell outa me why most of the time I can't sttring a sentence toghether but put a nice pair of tits nearby and me tongue can do all kindsa things
Pub...bar hell I dunno the difference either...pub is more commonpeople I guess, and wooden stuff.
Bar is posher and shny metal thingys.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes coley, represent. represent.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:57:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1. I wasn't trying to be condescending (I may be now though) -- don't worry about it, i know. i was being sarcastic, or at least attempting to be. it's tough to display tone and voice and all that through 10 pt arial font. i guess that's why i'm not a very good writer.
2. I'm not aware of any cities below London -- i don't even know where the fuck london is on a map of england, but something about this statement makes me believe it's on the south end, or it's built on a cloud. the latter is probably unlikely, but it'd be pretty sweet if it were the case.
3. I don't drink -- that sucks.
4. if you we're in England it'd be arse -- i have no idea what the translation is for this, but i'm guessing 'arse' is either 'shitty' or 'really fucking cool.' the latter is once again probably not the case, because 'arse' is one word and 'really fucking cool' is three.
5. Obviously I drink water and orange juice etc just not alcohol -- oo... so how do you get women to sleep with you? and how do fuck fat chicks?
5. And itd be Pub, not bar -- i have no idea what the difference is, but i'll take you at your word, number two.
6. And lots of tea, i'm having a cup right now -- i've never had new tea, but i'm always up for trying new things. unless it involves male-to-male intercourse. i hope i haven't given you the wrong idea because that would be *heh heh* awkward... so yeah...
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 oregon mention
+1 for pity since you live in wisco (eat some cheese curds for me would ya?)
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Bloody hell what am I doing talking to you at 2am.
where the hell did the last few hours go.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:48:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
7. I can't count very well
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:38:37 (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, well sorry i don't know british geography, i'm not a cartographor or whatever. i didn't know if down the road meant the next city down, down the street, in the near future (although that really wouldn't make sense, given the context). you get the idea, my bad. if you ever talk condescendingly to me again i'll sail a boat straight across the atlantic, go to the nearest london pub and buy you a pint or whatever it is you folks call a glass of beer. then i'll punch you in the nuts, just to show you who's boss.
this will probably lead to some confusion, and you'll probably proceed to kick my ass all over the bar with your hooligan buddies, but whatever.
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none of this makes any sense.
1. I wasn't trying to be condescending (I may be now though)
2. I'm not aware of any cities below London
3. I don't drink
4. if you we're in England it'd be arse
5. Obviously I drink water and orange juice etc just not alcohol
5. And itd be Pub, not bar
6. And lots of tea, i'm having a cup right now
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah, well sorry i don't know british geography, i'm not a cartographor or whatever. i didn't know if down the road meant the next city down, down the street, in the near future (although that really wouldn't make sense, given the context). you get the idea, my bad. if you ever talk condescendingly to me again i'll sail a boat straight across the atlantic, go to the nearest london pub and buy you a pint or whatever it is you folks call a glass of beer. then i'll punch you in the nuts, just to show you who's boss.
this will probably lead to some confusion, and you'll probably proceed to kick my ass all over the bar with your hooligan buddies, but whatever.
Submitted by Whiplash (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
favre
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, that why I said 'local rivals' and 'team down the road'
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha, yeah i knew most of that except for the 4th place rule thing. sucks for the hotspurs, they're also in london, right?
http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2006/baseball/mlb/04/28/howe.obit.ap/index.html?cnn=yes -- this is an awfully sad story in case you want to cry or something. well not really sad, just sort of one of those things where you go, "man, wasn't there anything they could do for the guy?" -- not that i want to be putting words in your mouth, but you get the idea.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:19:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well they're in the Final now.
You're probably be interested in this situation.
Liverpool won last time...but didn't finish high enough in the Premiership to qualify for this time, so they (EUFA) had to use some weird-arse playoff thingy to let them compete, to avoid it happening again they changed the rules at the start of this season.
Normally the top four English teams would qualify, but now if an English team wins and doesn't finish in the top 4, then it and the top three will go in for the next season and fourth place gets hard cheese.
Arsenals local rivals Tottenham are currently in 4th and Arsenal are in 5th.
Spurs (tottenham) are gonna be so pissed if Arsenal win.
Spurs 'av never been in the champions league before (I think) and the first time they look like they're gonna get their chance, and they're probably going to be disqualified by the team down the road setting off some obscure new rule by getting in a highly unlikely situation.
Sucks for them.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:06:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
haha, no woody. i just like giving shit to apollo. i was trying to goad him into a stupid argument, and ets posts seem to be the place for that. i'm not sure what round their in, i thought they just beat villareal in the quarters, but i'm in the states and we get shitty coverage in these parts.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah woody. yeah...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:00:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:47:07 (#)
Ranking: 0
i hear arsenal is in the champions league finals? can you confirm this? huh? HUH?!?! WHERE'S LIVERPOND NOW!??!?!
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Does ETS support liverpool or sumin?
Yes they are, if the question was serious.
If the question was serious then I'd better invent a time machine and ensure they don't make it past the quarters.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:58:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
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Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:29:17 (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
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Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:27:51 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
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jebus shitting wankering christ
Submitted by toucan_sam (user info) at 2006-04-28 18:13:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck farve
go falcons
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-28 16:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
great post, but I can't deal with the hating on Nick Lachey...he's so dreamy!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-04-28 15:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by karates_badboy (user info) at 2006-04-28 15:44:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 due to #4 being at the bottom of the post.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 15:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
the ets saga continues...
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-04-28 15:02:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't even quote all the things I love about this post. Needless to say: PLUS FUCKING 2.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:59:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I really don't know countries and states very well, but I've seen 'Black Hawk Down' a few times, and I think we should embargo them."
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I'm +2ing you for this because I just spit on my monitor after reading it. Now I'm going to read the rest.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ETS retaliation=Auto +2.
Submitted by Vengance (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:29:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-04-28 14:27:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-28 13:35:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:44:42 (#)
Ranking: -1
sir, i don't know what city you are from or what team you call your own, but i do know this: you should be very, very worried that Favre is returning. very worried.
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Favre - the Chuck Norris/Fatmouse/Bill Brasky of the NFL.
I hear he has a toenail on his penis.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-04-28 13:31:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome.
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:59:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:47:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:47:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:11:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
you're doing a heck of a job Wardy
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loki, your approval makes me smell my armpits and shudder. i don't know why, just be glad that you have inspired me to turn my head away from the monitor today. thanks, i owe you.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:35:56 (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the article
-2 for a reference to Farve
-2 for a picture of Farve
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sir, i don't know what city you are from or what team you call your own, but i do know this: you should be very, very worried that Favre is returning. very worried.
and yes, i realize Favre is the only word i've capitalized in this reply.
Submitted by zoot124 (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for Favre
Submitted by skalors (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 for the article
-2 for a reference to Farve
-2 for a picture of Farve
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:21:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:20:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WTF? I can't read all of that. I'm sure it is quite good though.
Also, nothing you can say or do can take away the fact that Nick Lachey has had sex with Jessica Simpson. For this reason alone he must die. No man may defile my Jessica and live.
Although I admit the bitch can't sing for shit.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're doing a heck of a job Wardy
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The first paragraph alone earned this a +2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 oregon trail
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hate gaucho pants. they don't look good on ANYONE not even nubile 16 year olds and anorexic models. they are only for bullfighters.
Also, GO PACK!!!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-04-28 12:03:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Two birds with one stone is better than a bird in the bush eating your dick off."
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA