why I decided to move out of the ghetto, revisited - AND - bonus MEGAFUN caption or something else picture game (1081 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: nonfiction
Rating: 1.47 on 31 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by scourge (looks naked without the rest, doesn't it?) (View user info) at 2006-04-28 17:33:54 EDT
Alright, here's part one of this 'shouldn't have had to be a two part' deal: http://www.ubersite.com/m/78668
I still own this place. I've been continuing to work on the place in my free time,
I've been installing new flooring in some of the rooms,
A coat of paint here and there,
Continuing to revamp the plumbing, brand new copper feed lines to both bathrooms, the kitchen, outdoor spigot, laundry area, and other basement water supplies,
Continuing to revamp some of the electric work,.
Continuing to redo the fireplace.
A bunch of modifications to really make the place turn a buck on the market was the first goal of doing this.
Then my younger sister and her fiancé both got news that their respective roommates were going to be married. To each other. Leaving my sister and her guy each holding a place with the lease up for renewal in June. Expensive leases previouls managed by two people apiece rather than one.
I had some serious reservations with the idea they presented me about the two of them moving in here together. The crackheads and general scum are still around...
Though the biggest dealer on the block finally got hauled off.
And the neighborhood association is doing some good things in the area even though they tossed me the short end of a stick...
I still wasn't swayed much.
But then they reminded me of the fact that he is a bit of a redneck. Not really redneck in the sense of I'm- a- bigot- bend- over- and- squeal- like- a- pig- boy, redneck, he's just a country kid, came here to go to school and get a decent job.
But he still has his fondness for guns. He still owns a few and knows how to use them effectively.
My sisters dog and his would both be living there as well. The smaller of the two of these beasts weighs in at about the 85 pound range. Large enough to devastate most any human if it decided it wanted to.
Add to that the fact that I had put in all new security locks on the windows, brand new deadbolts on all the doors, motion lights on two corners of the house, and even new locking screens on every window.
At the very least someone breaking in would make enough fucking light and noise that the dogs would have them pinned while my brother in law to be either blew their asses off or called the cops.
(My preference would be taking off someone's knees, but I had bad experiences in the neighborhood so this less than adult desire can be excused I think.)
This information, along with my desire to stop paying two housholds worth of bills a month, swayed me. It was agreed that they would move in. All they had to do was cover the mortgage payment, taxes and utilities. A great deal for them, and a load off my back.
Besides lightning doesn't strike the same place twice, right?
Well, let me tell you something, that little theory is all shot to fucking hell.
The new 'in thing' with the homeless, crackheads, vagrants and other unsavory types in my area of Illinois is stripping houses for recyclable materials.
These people come in and take everything, nailed down or not, and drag it in shopping carts, trashcans, Radio Flyer wagons, or just drag it along the ground to the nearest recycling yard.
Cash in the pocket. No questions asked.
Does your house have aluminum siding?
Gone.
Aluminum screens, patio furniture, anything metal outside or in?
Gone.
And, here's my favorite, copper piping.
Copper brings the big money at the recycling yard.
ESPECIALLY ALL MY NEW FUCKING COPPER FUCKING PIPE THAT COST ME A COUPLE FUCKING THOUSAND GODDAMN BUCKS TO FUCKING PUT IN MY MOTHERFUCKING HOUSE.
I wonder what the recycling yard thinks these guys do for a living? They remodel an armloads worth of a houses siding a day? They decided that this BRAND NEW PIPE with freshly soldered beads needed to be recycled instead of , I don't know, used as plumbing?
These bastards are just as much to blame in my opinion.
-------
My dad checked up on the place for me occassionally. He found the back screen door ripped off of it's hinges, laying in the backyard.
They had gone down the gradeline and punched in the basement door window.
How do I know they had punched it in you may ask?
The fucking trail of AIDS infested crackhead blood down the door and all over the doorknob was a pretty good indicator...
Every last bit of pipe, literally ripped from the walls and the water heater.
The fact that they had neglected to turn off the water main was my favorite part.
Extensive Water Damage is COOL!!!!
The cops think it was just homeless guys who had scouted out the place, seen it was empty with somebody only visiting every few days, and made their move.
My money is on the neighborhood crackheads.
Needless to say, my younger sister will most likely not be moving in.
After dealing with the cops, assessing all damage and looking for anything else missing
(**My telescope that was stored in the basement, gone. Crackheads love astronomy I'm told. I hope they see some cool stuff with it. Or maybe they just though it was some new kind of pipe...**)
-------
I climbed in my car and headed back to my new home.
Aftter making all my phone calls and getting the ball rolling on repair work estimates I called it a day.
-------
The next morning I woke up, smelled the fresh air coming in through the windows and was filled with appreciation that I could sleep with the windows open.
I pulled on some clothes and went outside to get my phone left plugged in on the car charger overnight
As I stepped out on the porch I watched the birds flying and the neighbor kids playing catch.
I'm so glad I moved here.
Nice safe crime free neighborhood...
Then I noticed the standing open car door.
And my missing phone.
And my missing CDs.
And my missing change.
Except they had left behind the pennies. I guess they didn't get the copper memo from the other guys.
Here's your bonus 'caption/ Photoshop/ ignore this altogether/call me a dipshit' fun!
The following picture is completely unrelated to this story in any way whatsoever.
It IS related to the story that can be found by following this shameless linkpimp (props to both Orgasmatron and loki for seeing the sheer brilliance of using that word over the worthy only of derision 'linkwhore') to another of my FANTASTIC posts:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/85488
This poor guys head was another casualty in the old tornado. He used toi stand in front of a tire shop all day long, holding a tire in his outstretched hand as some kind of offering to the downtrodden masses.
One of my friends much younger, and very stupid, brothers always thought it was a representation of Jesus.
I hate stupid kids.
Have fun with it. Or don't. I'm going home in an hour. I'll announce a winner and shower at least five of their lowest rated posts, if I can be bothered to remember to do it, with loving and handcrafted +2s.
Have at it.
User Reviews
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-05-18 12:55:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-10-31 22:32:15 EST (#)
Ranking: -1
I've had it up to here with your shennanigans, I'm going through and -1ing ALL of your posts!
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 14:42:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I LOVE MYSELF!!
SIGNED,
SCOURGEY
Submitted by UnderOathMeal (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-10-27 13:39:58 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/95020#2202073
banning attempt
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-06-07 14:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
christ almighty, where is this? How are you ever going to sell that house? MY GOD you must be stressed out beyond belief over this.
IM ASTOUNDED!!
I like your posts.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:26:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't think of a caption, I'm still in shock over the rest of the story.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-05-18 17:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is why I won't even make eye-contact with my neighbors. And why I have a $3k homemade security system that makes use of just about every non-lethal detterent known to man.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-05 02:37:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking harsh man!
But look at the bright side, at least your frusteration brought a smile to my face!
What do you mean you don't give a fuck?
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-05-01 18:01:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
THIS POST IS FULL OF LIES.
I SAW A COMMERCIAL FOR THIS MOVIE AND TOM CRUISE WAS IN THEM.
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
LIAR
I HATE YOU _DAN, YOU LIED TO US ALL.
-----------------------------------------
Look, I saw it too. They must've somehow used different images from him and PHotoshop. That's the only way I can explain it.
That story was 100 percent true. No exaggerations for me!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-01 18:39:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Harsh. But also http://www.ubersite.com/m/87212#1959388
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-01 08:54:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry to hear about your woes scourgey. Damn crackheads.
And for your caption contest:
"The centurian regretted not nailing Jesus' head to the cross after the tornadoes whipped through Golgotha on Friday afternoon."
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-30 16:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, of course. Huge religion. Definately makes sense to describe it as one of the big three.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-30 14:45:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This one wins - hands down:
"David 2 : Goliath 0"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-30 14:13:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Sphaggy, how I've missed you.
Your blues entry was pretty damn good, by the way. I just had little time to read them all and so didn't feel right rating any of them when perhaps the competitors piece was better. Interest of fairness and all....
And Beefeater is horrid gin. Absolutely horrid. I prefer Tanqueray.
Woody- Judaism of course.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-04-29 15:35:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut up, beefeater.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
what assholes.
Though, 'round dese parts, it be the tweakers (aka methheads, etc) that steal shit like that.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:39:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-05 16:29:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Azrael is an angel in Islam. I think he may be the Angel of Death. Not sure...
----------
Isnt Azrael the Angel of Death from the old testament?
=====
Could be. Might be. The Big Three religions do an awful lot of sharing of ideas.
I'm not what they call a religious type. I own a Bible, but mostly it just helps hold up the other books. Same with the Koran and the Torah. They're on the shelf, I've even read them, just nothing really stuck with me. Now they grow dusty.
Too busy thinking about chickies and drugs at the time I guess.
Sins of the flesh outweighed my desire for some kind of vague 'salvation' thingamajig
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Saw this on an old post...just wondering Islam...Christianity...what is the third big religion you're thinking of?
http://share1.esd105.wednet.edu/orrk/Religion/rel_pie.png
Cos' Hinduism definately doesn't share much with the other two...this charts only 4 years old, Islam is growing scarily fast.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-04-28 20:00:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so there i was, walking down the street with paulie's head in my arms, not giving a shit who saw me. what were the cops going to do? I'D DECAPITATED PAUL FUCKING BUNYON!!! that'd be like somebody nuetering Clifford the Big Red Dog and right-to-life protesters coming to his house. what the fuck are you going to do to a guy that snipped the nuggets off of a sixty foot tall dog?
no, no i knew i was safe. they weren't taking this shit from me. no way. no how.
and that's how i became king of the world. well, until that damn dragon slayer came along. who the fuck knew dragons even existed, except for those damn emo D&D kids? do those kids even count? fuck.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:32:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
does my head look big in this?
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cletus never did like the notion of hiding his key under the matt or in a "fake-rock."
Whenever we'd try to suggest an easier alternative, he'd just pick up ole Paul's head, fishing around muttering, "Everythin's bigger in TEXAS."
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-28 19:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I asked my wife for some head, and all I got was this evidence she was banging Paul Bunyan during the hurricane.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-28 18:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HAHAHAHAHA You and Orgasmo are tied as of now TTOM.
20%
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-04-28 18:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Liliputians finally managed to take down Chuck Norris
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-28 18:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
25%
I need to remember to not post this late on a Friday afternoon ever again.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:43:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll call someone the winner probably tomorrow or late tonight. These are very good so far.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:42:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Murray left quietly, his head held high and his treasure kept safe in his arms, as from the front step of his home his yard-sale-hating cunt of a wife shouted "THAT'S THE ONLY HEAD YOU'LL BE GETTING FOR A WHILE!!!"
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:41:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Haha at Method.
50% so far.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:41:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Add more red, make it more Rad"
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I Wonder if this will be enough 'brown bagging' for her to fuck me?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bart: What'd you do? Screw up like the Beatles and say you were bigger
than Jesus?
Homer: All the time. It was the title of our second album.
Homer's Barbershop Quartet
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-04-28 17:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG JAYPIG DECAPITATED APOLLO