Toucan Sam (NSFW) (1384 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.33 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Darko (View user info) at 2006-04-29 16:45:10 EDT
Every morning millions of people wake up and have breakfast. It is said to be the most important meal of the day after all, and it sets the tone for how your entire day might go. But often we don't pay enough tribute to those who start our day off on the right note. So here is a dedicated post to the greatest breakfast character of all time, Toucan Sam.
Toucan Sam was a naïve immigrant from some rainforest who didn't speak a lick of English when he first came to America in 1960. Somehow despite his handicap of only being able to speak Toucanese, a form of Pig Latin that is widely spoken throughout the toucan community, he managed to be discovered by a modeling agent.
Unfortunately this so called "agent" just wanted to have Toucan Sam star in porn movies, and Toucan Sam had practically no choice but to go along with it. He did such titles as "Ruffled Feathers" and "Jungle Bird Fever". Luckily during one fateful whacking off session the director or marketing for Kellogg's came upon Toucan Sam's work. He immediately flew Toucan Sam out to Kellogg's Headquarters in Battle Creek, Michigan to set him up as a cereal cover model.
But not just any cereal would do justice to Toucan Sam. They needed to make a cereal that was as colorful as Toucan Sam himself and as tasty as a Toucan. After months of hard work, Fruit Loops were first made. In 1963 Toucan Sam appeared on the first of many more boxes to come.
But all was not well for the loveable Toucan. He still hadn't mastered the English language and had to resort to attempting to teach Americans Toucanese. This was a near fatal mistake as he soon learned that Americans hate change and especially hate foreigners who can't speak American like everybody else. The sales of Kellogg's Fruit Loops hit an all time low in March of 1964, and Toucan Sam's job was in jeopardy. To make matters worse he had become addicted to Fruit loops to the point where he could always smell where some were and constantly had them on his mind. In July of 1964, he hit rock bottom when he was found naked and unconscious outside of a sheriff's office in Battle Creek.
It was after this that officials at Kellogg's stepped in and got Toucan Sam some help. They paid Crackle of Rice Crispies fame to come in and tutor Toucan Sam. They also checked him into a detox clinic in Arizona. At the he discovered that just because the fruit loops were there, he didn't have to snort them, that he had more self control than that. By the time Toucan Sam got clean he had mastered the English language and was ready to get back to cereal box modeling, with a vengeance!
Nowadays Toucan Sam is regarded as one of the most loveable cereal box characters ever, and he is one of the few that still has a noticeable TV commercial career as well. He is even engaging in America's favorite pastime, suing people! He won a case against a Zimbabwe company called Fruit hoops, and recently settled with a Seattle band called The Toucans. The basis of the lawsuit was that Toucan Sam is a trademarked figure, and he is also a recording artist so The Toucans cut into his previously trademarked domain. I haven't heard of any songs by Toucan Sam yet, so be sure to keep your eyes out for the New Toucan Sam cd that surely must be coming out shortly. I hear his first single is going to be "I wanna eat you with a spoon"
The story of Toucan Sam is one filled with sex and drugs, but most importantly it is a story of triumphing over your obstacles. Toucan Sam is clearly a heroic figure, but lets not forget the most important thing he has done, bringing us sweet delicious fruit loops. I will leave you now with a quote straight from the toucan's mouth "Follow your nose, wherever it goes"
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-02 18:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post is part of a nutritious breakfast
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-05-02 14:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
that's my kind of breakfast, minus the cereal and milk.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-02 14:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I would totally eat her snatch.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-04-29 22:10:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why the repost?
Submitted by Doodies (user info) at 2006-04-29 21:50:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Her left breast looks odd to me.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-04-29 20:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I read this whole thing in the "behind the music" guy's voice.
Toucans are delicious.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-04-29 17:47:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Her hip bones frighten me... you could lose an eye there.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-04-29 17:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT MILK JUG IS FLOATING
Submitted by Genko (user info) at 2006-04-29 17:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:53:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
um...the thought of softened cereals combined with milk and vaginal fluids kinda makes my stomach turn.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have a morbid desire to sample these Fruit Loop things having seem them so often on Yank telly/movies but I fear that may lead to sugar-induced psychosis/obesity.
I grew up on Shredded Wheat and the like but have made sure to negate any positive effects a fibre-rich diet may have on the heart through my love of all things toxic.
Vive la différence.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:53:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
um...the thought of softened cereals combined with milk and vaginal fluids kinda makes my stomach turn.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-04-29 16:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
toucan sam and i did an 8-ball last night.