A Babe in The Jungle: Zee Plane, Zee Plane (1126 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 35 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-05-01 21:20:39 EDT
COMO ESTAS, BITCHES!! I have returned!!
I arrived yesterday, fresh as a repeatedly farted-on daisy from my week long trip in the Dominican Republic, land of bananas, unreasonable quantities of rum, and endless Spanish gibberish. I return flush with tales so extravagantly long and boring that I've decided to regale them to you in not one, not two, but in SEVENTY THREE excruciating parts!! Okay, not 73. Maybe four or something. We'll see how chatty I get.
So! Most of you will recall that I've never been anywhere more exciting than the corner store in my entire life. That, and Detroit Michigan, which is arguably just as exciting, but only in a "I don't want to die alone in this terrible place" kind of way. I have never been outside of the Motherland (Canada) except for three short trips to the U.S. I have never been on a plane. I've actually never been inside an airport before a week ago. So, a lot of firsts for me on this trip.
Luckily I was travelling with a small army of somewhat more worldly friends -- otherwise, you might as well just nudge a toddler into a nest of rabid badgers. My friends took care of me, and I think even found my wide-eyed naivety somewhat amusing.
Anyhoo, our flight left Toronto at 6:10 am, which let me tell you, is bullshit. We arrived at the airport at 3 am (which i thought was unnecessarily early, but what do i know? nothing, that's what), and the vast majority of us just decided not to go to bed. So by the time we got off the 4 hour flight, most of us had been up well over 24 hours. Nothing like arriving in paradise and wishing you were unconscious.
When the time came to board, we marched into the, um, whatchacallit, that movable hallway thing that the plane drives up to. Surprisingly, it was a nicer hallway than the ones in my last apartment. I boarded the plane, found my seat, and was instantly unhappy.
I had requested a window seat at the last minute. The helpful airport lady, Daniella, suggested row 26, because it was a window seat and had some extra legroom because it was in front of the emergency exit. I happily agreed. What Daniella, that stupid bitch, DIDN'T tell me is that the emergency exit door acutally protrudes into the plane, leaving me with about five inches of room for my legs. Sure, I could swing my legs to the side, if I wanted to tie my spine in a knot for four hours. A bloody contortionist should be sitting here. Or a midget. Or someone with no legs.
And! And! To top it all off, the window next to my seat wasn't even lined up right! It's like, halfway between my row of seating and the next! I could barely see out of it anyway! Daniella, you stupid bitch. If I ever see you again, I will fire poisoned semen into your eye. Not MY semen, either. Like...radioactive hippo cum, or something.
What? I'LL FIND A WAY.
Luckily, the seat next to mine was empty, so I sat in that one in good comfort...just alone, without any of my travelling buddies. And no window seat.
Anyway, the plane interior was a lot different than I expected. I've only got movies to go on, but I expected something a lot more spacious, sterile, new, and brightly lit. Instead, it looked like an old shoe. It looked like a the inside of a city bus that's been driven around the block a few too many times. There was no first class, only ghetto class.
At 6:03 the plane began to take runway position. I found the sensation of an airplane going in reverse to be strangely disconcerting.
We took off at 6:43, after fifteen minutes of puttering around like the pilot was taking it on the most boring joyride ever, and half an hour more of sitting about waiting for takeoff clearance. I briefly wondered if I would be afraid of flying. I didn't feel very afraid, but how would I know?
The takeoff was just...fantastic. I don't know if it was because we were tottering around the tarmac like my grandmother in a golf cart for half an hour, but I really did not expect that thing to get going so fast. Obviously, it's not going to float itself off the ground, but, still. One minute we're sitting there, and then VVVVVIISSHHH, the engines power up, making this awesome noise that I'd only expect to hear on a sci-fi show, and the plane starts to vibrate, and then BAM!! We were off down the runway like we just got shot out of a goddamn cannon. She takes off with a whisper, and my stomach does this weird thing where it feels like it's gently floating inside me, unattached to my belly. The world outside my tiny, awesome window tilts on its side and gets smaller and smaller. And then it's all white mist.
Someone told me before my trip that during takeoff, it doesn't seem like the plane is going to make it off the ground. Well, that statement couldn't be more wrong. We were going so fast, so suddenly, that I would be stunned if we DIDN'T get off the ground immediately.
The clouds looked like an ocean of cotton balls. It was amazing. Surely pedestrian to most of you, but, damn. I asked Colleen, the nice stewardess, if the takeoff has ever gotten boring for her in the two years on the job. She smiled and answered, "No." Fuck me. How can anyone hate to fly?
An hour and a half later, I had my answer. It was cramped and boring in there...and I had extra legroom to work with. I was pretty tired at this point, but not in the mood to sleep. Outside there was just mushy fog.
The trip only got exciting again as we started our descent. We hit some turbulence. I have decided that turbulence is da SHIT. We had a few quiet rumbles during the flight, but when we were landing, it kicked up a notch. The plane grumbled and shook like a cranky old man, and periodically it felt like the plane would just drop straight down out of the sky for about 50 feet before leveling off again. All around me there were gasps and worried exclamations. And then there was me. Laughing.
I was seriously laughing with enjoyment. Not like, madman-laughter, but just a quiet constant chuckle and a broad grin. Apparently, I find the idea of plummeting to a fiery doom absolutely HILARIOUS. It was the best part of the trip! I don't understand why...it's kind of like a roller coaster ride, but with a much more overbearing sense of impending doom. Except I hate roller coasters with every inch of my being. So why do I like turbulence? Do I only like bumpy rides if there's a real possibility of my immediate demise? Is it only a thrill if I might actually die?
(i realize death is possible on roller coasters also, but shut up and stop being ridiculous.)
I thought so at first, but then decided otherwise. The elated feeling I had was very much like the feeling I get when I experience a wicked thunderstorm. Something about the chaotic turmoil of it, you know? Like, Mother Nature is pissed off and you better watch your damn ass, 'cuz she's out for blood. In both cases, there's nothing you can do about it, except enjoy the ride.
Of course, this outlook might change dramatically the very instant I experience SERIOUS turbulence that makes me think that, in fact, I AM going to die. But who knows. There were times where it felt like the plane was just getting the hell kicked out of it by wind currents and air pockets.
The plane touched down with a "BLAM!" All the passengers clapped and cheered in celebration. My flight attendant buddy, Colleen, quietly remarked to me, "Actually, that was a pretty rough landing." Heh heh. I have a newfound respect for pilots, I tell you.
Next time: Caesar meets a real life Dominican person and pokes him with a stick.
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-19 05:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-19 04:52:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ah!! thank you...
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-03 11:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks joedaddy. And jojojogogo, I highly recommend everyone try flying, at least to find out if you're afraid of it.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-03 05:00:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flying over the midlands is depressing, particularly when your coming home. It may be a multicultural paradise but our architecture is rubbish.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2006-05-03 04:19:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sweet
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-05-03 02:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-02 11:28:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
i've flown probably 20 times in my life, and the takeoff and landing NEVER get old.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2006-05-03 00:11:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thank you. I have never been on a plane before. You made it sound interesting and fun. I might try it someday.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-05-02 23:03:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
glide ratio = horizontal distance flown vs change in altitude
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:57:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, by the way, the exit I was sitting in front of did have a window on the 'door', but it was very small, and I think it was just my row that was a little off-line with the regular passenger windows. As you can see from the pictures, I was seated not too far behind the wing, and I seem to recall it being an emergency exit, but who knows.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:54:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by highlander (user info) at 2006-05-02 07:43:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, that was a Boeing 757, all right - I'm a plane geek, so I could actually tell that's what you were describing before I got to the picture. The 757 is noted for being ridiculously over-powered; the engines have the highest thrust-to-weight ratio of any commercial airliner in active service today.
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Huh. Well, that's interesting. Though I'm kind of sad to hear that not all planes are like that.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-02 18:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"COMO ESTAS, BITCHES!! I have returned!!"
+2 because I read this with an English accent. For some reason my friend wants to teach her kid to speak Spanish with an English accent so now whenever I read something in Spanish, I think of her horrible fake accent and it makes me laugh.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-02 18:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
periodically it felt like the plane would just drop straight down out of the sky for about 50 feet before leveling off again.
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Those are called 'plughoid oscillations', btw.
You shoulda gone to Cuba, good whores there, I hear.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-02 11:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i've flown probably 20 times in my life, and the takeoff and landing NEVER get old.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-02 10:13:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sound so excited
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2006-05-02 10:00:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stor thus far. The DR rocks.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-02 09:58:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-05-02 09:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:40:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heroic dumps
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:27:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad you're back! I've missed your stories.
And, sounds like a rockin' trip. Curious to see the next installments.
Submitted by highlander (user info) at 2006-05-02 07:43:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yep, that was a Boeing 757, all right - I'm a plane geek, so I could actually tell that's what you were describing before I got to the picture. The 757 is noted for being ridiculously over-powered; the engines have the highest thrust-to-weight ratio of any commercial airliner in active service today.
I've never actually flown on one, though. You lucky git. Didn't know about the emergency exit row door being an issue - the over-wing emergency exits have a window in them, and if they're the same as on a 737, should sit almost flush with the rest of the cabin interior walls. I'm guessing you were seated by one of the normal passenger entry/exit doors, which I can understand would get in the way a bit.
Also, turbulence most definitely rocks. The best kind is where you feel your aircraft unexpectedly drop about 100 ft, leaving most of your internal organs half-way up your windpipe.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-02 06:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-05-02 01:56:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
3rd to the last picture is 3/4 flaps where you drop like a fuck'n rock @ 1-1 GR
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What's 1-1 GR?
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-02 06:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-05-02 00:37:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
POSTA NUMERO 69!!!!!!!
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Hey, look at that. I should have made it sexier in recognition of that.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-05-02 01:56:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
3rd to the last picture is 3/4 flaps where you drop like a fuck'n rock @ 1-1 GR
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-05-02 01:52:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Those Canadian clouds look a lot colder than those Puerto Rican clouds.
Aboot.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-02 00:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-05-02 00:40:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:55:39 (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a fan of your work, you and i both know that. trouble is, i really don't feel like reading right now. has nothing to do with you -- and it certainly has nothing to do with me. it's just the way things are, and i don't see it changing anytime soon.
that being said, here's a +2 based solely on reputation.
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What a suckass little dirtball. Jesus, what did he have to eat this week, Wardy?
I'm betting it's children again...
...I love you, Caesar!......
Yep, children.
Submitted by electrictoothsyndrome (user info) at 2006-05-02 00:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
POSTA NUMERO 69!!!!!!!
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-05-02 00:07:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've always wanted to go to la republica dominicana.
I usually just get sloshed on international flights, it makes it a hell of lot less boring when you're drunk and passed out - for 13 hours - on the way to Tokyo. I can't recommend that you do that, however, because it makes my sinuses bleed and makes me think I have some wierd pharyngeal cancer...
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm a fan of your work, you and i both know that. trouble is, i really don't feel like reading right now. has nothing to do with you -- and it certainly has nothing to do with me. it's just the way things are, and i don't see it changing anytime soon.
that being said, here's a +2 based solely on reputation.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:48:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Got that right. On the way back I had a 'regular' seat, and my knees were constantly pressed into the seat in front of me. And I'm not a really tall guy.
A friend of mine described her flight to China; it was a 12 hour flight followed by a 4 hour layover followed by another 6 hours of flying. That sounds like fucking hell.
I'm super popular tonight. Good night, everyone!
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome man, this reminds me of my first flight many moons ago. It definately feels like you are on a ride or something when the plane first shoots off to get into the air.
Exit window seats should be outlawed. I have been shafted before with that fucking seat. I always ask for an exit seat but I try to specify that I want an aisle (sp?) seat as well. Atleast your flight was only short.
Ghetto class..ha ha ha. My term for that is cattle class because it's just like you see cattle being shipped around in trucks. No room to move what so ever.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-05-01 22:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds exciting