A problem shared? (720 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by LittleMonster (View user info) at 2006-05-02 07:10:21 EDT
I have just left my boyfriends house and I don't think I will ever be going back. I don't think I'm welcome any more. What makes it worse is that I don't blame him. It's not his fault. He's a kind, loving, warm person. Unfortunately, I'm not. I want to be, but his closeness scares me. I lie next to him in his arms and feel like a trapped animal. He desperately wants to reach inside me and make it better, but I don't want him to heal me, I want to heal myself. The fear and anger I hide inside, keeps me getting up everyday, they cement my resolve to maintain my dignity and to look everyone in the eye.
Surely it is better to feel some thing, than nothing. I'm terrified if I let it all go I will be left empty. I space inside so large I could lose myself in it.
My boyfriend asked me to leave because of many reasons, but mainly because I couldn't tell him what it is that keeps me awake at night, why I hate to be alone or why last night I smashed his clock. I don't think he would have understood if I had tried to explain that the ticking drives me to the brink of insanity. I must have lost my mind a little to have smashed it, but I decided I would rather he thought me crazy, than to tell him the truth. I would rather die than have him look in to the bottom of my heart.
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About two years ago now I lived in a very large, privet student house. It was a converted old hospital and not the nicest of place's to live, but it was cheap and all I could afford. The small block of rooms at the back of the house, where I lived, stood half empty during the week and I was always alone at weekends, because everyone else went home to their parents. Unfortunately I wasn't the only one that knew this. Two of the men that lived in another part of the building knew I was alone, and when their two best friends from college came over, they decided to come and see me.
I can't even write about what they did to me, it makes my stomach go tight. Sometimes I imagine I can still smell their breath and feel their hands on my body, it makes my skin cold. If something triggers a memory of it, it's like the feeling of slipping off a curb in your dreams. I still have little scars over my chest and thighs from where they burnt me with cigarettes. They started burning me because they wanted me to cry. I didn't think there was a lot more they could do to hurt me, but it wasn't until they left I knew that to be wrong.
That was the point where I learnt what it meant to be truly frightened. To feel your mind try and run away from what is happening in front of you. To have bile rise in your throat as you can only watch on, in rising horror and panic. If they hadn't of beaten me so badly I might have been able to scream, but my mouth and jaw were so swollen, there was no chance. There was nothing I could do as they walked out my room. I should have been relived they had gone, and I would have been, if they had untied me first, but they didn't. They just left me there.
They left me at 9:43 on Friday evening.
No one found me until late Sunday night.
The clock in my room ticked louder and louder as the hours went on. I had a bottle of water just three feet out of reach. I struggled until I tore the skin on my wrist, but it didn't help. It's hard to remember in coherent detail all that went through my head in that time, but I do remember wanting to die, with all that was left of my heart. It was in those couple of days that I went to the deepest part of me, somewhere animal and raw; it is also when I discovered how to hate in the purest sense of the word. I lost a bit of my humanity that weekend and I think I lost my faith in people.
How do you even begin to explain that to someone, who believes he can fix you, if only you would share the problem?
User Reviews
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-02-25 05:03:21 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by DavyJones (user info) at 2006-05-02 23:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice one.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-02 23:14:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-02 10:05:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
priv·et Audio pronunciation of "privet" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (prvt)
n.
1. Any of several shrubs of the genus Ligustrum, especially L. vulgare or L. ovalifolium, having opposite leaves and clusters of white flowers and widely used for hedges.
2. Any of several similar or related plants.
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Beat me to it. Always one step ahead. Bastard.
Oh, good post, by the way.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-02 12:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap...that is heavy. You're really inside the characters head. I hope this isn't true. Good writing.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-02 10:16:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:52:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good. Hope it's not true..
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-02 10:05:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
priv·et Audio pronunciation of "privet" ( P ) Pronunciation Key (prvt)
n.
1. Any of several shrubs of the genus Ligustrum, especially L. vulgare or L. ovalifolium, having opposite leaves and clusters of white flowers and widely used for hedges.
2. Any of several similar or related plants.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is good. Hope it's not true..
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:42:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lojope?
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-02 08:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needs more...
actually, this had just the right amount of rape, well done
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-05-02 07:41:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus fucking Christ, dude.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-02 07:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some simpsons quote about bottling up rage deep inside and not annoying annybody
Can't remember the exact wording.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-02 07:18:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The best rape porn is always retrospective.