The School Pooper Wars: The Start of Hostilities (559 hits)
Category: Politics -> IraqRating: 0 on 6 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ConorJS (View user info) at 2006-05-02 20:21:56 EDT
Why Politics -> Iraq, you ask? Because the kind of war being fought there most closely resembles the war of attrition, terror, and shock attacks I've fought for years of my life. My enemy: any person who takes a shit in a high-school bathroom between the hours of 7:30 AM and 2:07 PM. My allies: too few, far too few, but a a group of bastards almost as vicious as I am in this campaign, and loyal to the core, the lot of them.
I dedicate this series to the boys, most of whom are still in active service and will remain unnamed while on duty. Those whose cover has been blown previously may still be members, but do not require the protection of active members.
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NOTE: I have not changed names to protect the innocent. In this war, there are no innocents.
I was but a wee freshman when I decided I would nevermore shit in school during school hours. Sure, in sixth grade I had taken a few school-poops, but the more I thought about it, the more morally reprehesible I found it to be. I can say that I have never, for more than a brief and shameful second, thought about taking a shit in school, and I'm damn proud of that. I began my first campaign against the school poopers with simple subversive actions, as many revolutions have started.
My first idea was to leave threats of death to school poopers penciled in near the toilet paper rolls. When I look back on it, it was really pathetic. We've escalated, updated, and become so much more active in just a year or two. I didn't notice any real changes in the number of people school pooping, which really wasn't a surprise, when you think about it. It wasn't too long after that that I found my highest lieutenant, a man that's still with me today.
PJ White was always just another kid. He was an acquaintance, sure, but I wouldn't have counted him among my closest friends. It was one day after second period, both of us were at the urinals, PJ probably peeing, I was rubbin' one out (not really), when we heard that loud, sickening, school-toilet FUH-LOOOoooOOOOSSSHHHH... and an enemy combatant stepped out of the stainless steel stall. I felt the left corner of my lip curl up, and could see that PJ was having a similar reaction. Seeing the potential for an ally in the years ahead, I said to him, "Why the FUCK would you take a shit in school, man?"
He responded exactly as I had hoped. "I know! It's fucking disgusting. People who shit in school are..." He left the rest unsaid. Nothing else needed to be said.
It wasn't long after this we decided to step it up a notch and make these sick sons of bitches pay dearly. We held a planning session, and decided we needed to fight the war in the trenches and in the minds of the public. When 7:30 rolled around on Monday morning of that spring week, there was no more toilet paper in the school. We took all of it out of every bathroom and broke open a janitors closet to get at the reserves. We also had flyers plastered around the school, advertising a recruiting session and delivering the straight-up facts about school poopers. Within a few days, our ranks were swelling. Eight men, I had in my army! In a matter of days! We made this attack two more times, but we never got a reaction like the first time.
PJ was caught taking rolls of toilet paper out of a stall, and was held accountable. Because the school pooper controlled student government and faculty members decided it was theft, he was sentenced to two days' in-school suspension. And he never said a fucking word. We tried to spring him from the dean's office, but to no avail.
After his release, his resolve was strengthened even further. We decided shortly thereafter to go official. We put up a website (since shut down), bought equipment, and got a name. New England Anti-School Poopers Brigade: 1st Active Service Unit. We started a campaign of conversion, we tried to bring them over to our side, but you know these kind of people. As the FBI says, "Once a cocksucker, always a cocksucker." Only school pooper and not cocksucker. We tried to get them to at least flush their shits, but they paid no attention to our offer for peace.
NEXT INSTALLMENT: "Escalation." <------ Will involve ski-masks, duct tape, bathrooms, and cameras. I promise.
I will more than likely continue this series, no matter how it rated. It's a story that MUST be told.
"This is where the enemy lives, men. This is where you have to go, to hunt him, to find him. And to kill him." -Lt. Col. Conor Stokes, Dec 3, 2005
User Reviews
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:57:31 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:51:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
i bt when you woke up this morning you thought this story was a good idea. wee you were wrong. bad idea.
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I bet when you woke up this morning you thought you would get some pussy from the fat retarded bitch that sits in front of you in your special english class, well you were wrong. Bad idea.
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I thought this was adressed at ME for a second. Then I saw a positive rating.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:57:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:51:36 (#)
Ranking: -2
i bt when you woke up this morning you thought this story was a good idea. wee you were wrong. bad idea.
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I bet when you woke up this morning you thought you would get some pussy from the fat retarded bitch that sits in front of you in your special english class, well you were wrong. Bad idea.
Repost jpg. now or I'll -2DIE this in 30 minutes, I swear to god.
Submitted by Spuds002 (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:51:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i bt when you woke up this morning you thought this story was a good idea. wee you were wrong. bad idea.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"In this war, there are no innocents."
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And in innocence, there is no war.
Consider yourself challenged to make a hi-skoo (props to Habeeb - consider that stolen) poop story interesting in the least. If this is the best you've got... well, we'll see.
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:27:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not a +2 because of the BMP demon on the bottom.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-02 20:26:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
homeandcombatpostofmygreatestenemy.bmp FUCK! I could've sworn I saved this as a .jpg