The School Pooper Wars: The Start of Hostilities (1064 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.47 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ConorJS (View user info) at 2006-05-02 21:03:39 EDT
Why Politics -> Iraq, you ask? Because the kind of war being fought there most closely resembles the war of attrition, terror, and shock attacks I've fought for years of my life. My enemy: any person who takes a shit in a high-school bathroom between the hours of 7:30 AM and 2:07 PM. My allies: too few, far too few, but a a group of bastards almost as vicious as I am in this campaign, and loyal to the core, the lot of them.
I dedicate this series to the boys, most of whom are still in active service and will remain unnamed while on duty. Those whose cover has been blown previously may still be members, but do not require the protection of active members.
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NOTE: I have not changed names to protect the innocent. In this war, there are no innocents.
I was but a wee freshman when I decided I would nevermore shit in school during school hours. Sure, in sixth grade I had taken a few school-poops, but the more I thought about it, the more morally reprehesible I found it to be. I can say that I have never, for more than a brief and shameful second, thought about taking a shit in school, and I'm damn proud of that. I began my first campaign against the school poopers with simple subversive actions, as many revolutions have started.
My first idea was to leave threats of death to school poopers penciled in near the toilet paper rolls. When I look back on it, it was really pathetic. We've escalated, updated, and become so much more active in just a year or two. I didn't notice any real changes in the number of people school pooping, which really wasn't a surprise, when you think about it. It wasn't too long after that that I found my highest lieutenant, a man that's still with me today.
PJ White was always just another kid. He was an acquaintance, sure, but I wouldn't have counted him among my closest friends. It was one day after second period, both of us were at the urinals, PJ probably peeing, I was rubbin' one out (not really), when we heard that loud, sickening, school-toilet FUH-LOOOoooOOOOSSSHHHH... and an enemy combatant stepped out of the stainless steel stall. I felt the left corner of my lip curl up, and could see that PJ was having a similar reaction. Seeing the potential for an ally in the years ahead, I said to him, "Why the FUCK would you take a shit in school, man?"
He responded exactly as I had hoped. "I know! It's fucking disgusting. People who shit in school are..." He left the rest unsaid. Nothing else needed to be said.
It wasn't long after this we decided to step it up a notch and make these sick sons of bitches pay dearly. We held a planning session, and decided we needed to fight the war in the trenches and in the minds of the public. When 7:30 rolled around on Monday morning of that spring week, there was no more toilet paper in the school. We took all of it out of every bathroom and broke open a janitors closet to get at the reserves. We also had flyers plastered around the school, advertising a recruiting session and delivering the straight-up facts about school poopers. Within a few days, our ranks were swelling. Eight men, I had in my army! In a matter of days! We made this attack two more times, but we never got a reaction like the first time.
PJ was caught taking rolls of toilet paper out of a stall, and was held accountable. Because the school pooper controlled student government and faculty members decided it was theft, he was sentenced to two days' in-school suspension. And he never said a fucking word. We tried to spring him from the dean's office, but to no avail.
After his release, his resolve was strengthened even further. We decided shortly thereafter to go official. We put up a website (since shut down), bought equipment, and got a name. New England Anti-School Poopers Brigade: 1st Active Service Unit. We started a campaign of conversion, we tried to bring them over to our side, but you know these kind of people. As the FBI says, "Once a cocksucker, always a cocksucker." Only school pooper and not cocksucker. We tried to get them to at least flush their shits, but they paid no attention to our offer for peace.
NEXT INSTALLMENT: "Escalation." <------ Will involve ski-masks, duct tape, bathrooms, and cameras. I promise.
I will more than likely continue this series, no matter how it rated. It's a story that MUST be told.
"This is where the enemy lives, men. This is where you have to go, to hunt him, to find him. And to kill him." -Lt. Col. Conor Stokes, Dec 3, 2005
User Reviews
Submitted by loopdeloo (user info) at 2008-01-18 14:28:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
What is a kike???
Submitted by Ltap (user info) at 2007-12-18 20:59:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, have a +2 for sheer ridiculousness.
Submitted by poser-punk (user info) at 2007-12-18 20:01:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah, school toilets are nasty.
I never use them.
cOOOL.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-06 15:18:52 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-05-02 22:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I poop at work. Its my way of sticking it to the boss.
i love getting paid to shit.
your last review in this post makes you look like a complete and total dousche. congratulations or something. I've now read and reviewed your posts except the nsfw since I am at work, that place contributing grown ups have to go during the day. this was actually the most entertaining thing you posted and i would definitely read more if you posted more of it. Skrap telling you to submit to poopreport is ironic since poopreport celebrates all things poop while this is encouraging shameful shitting. actually you never addressed your revulsion to the school poop. you have bad experience?
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-25 20:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:32:26 (#)
Ranking: -2
Internet threats. Funny you should mention that. I read your post about how you beat up some seventeen year olds at a bowling ally, and I must say...you are a little fucking girl.
Let me tell you why, Junior.
To start, you should never brag about beating up people that aren't old enough to vote, especially when you yourself are of legal age. It's like bragging that you beat your kids. Also, never brag about beating up people that wear pink. For your pride's sake, let's all just imagine that you didn't resort to fighting pastel wearing teenagers.
Anyhow, I did enjoy the complacency in your tone when you describe your "boxing" and "wrestling" experience. Most high school boxers and wrestlers share the same position, that "I can handle anything because I competed against other scrubs" attitude. In reality, you don't even rate to talk about either because you haven't been training long enough. It's like bragging that you played little league. "I played little league since I was twelve, and let me tell you, I can really hit a ball!"
Faggot.
I've looked around on Ubersite at some of your responses, and I have seen traces of the same stupid arrogance. You base every threat on size and strength, which is a product of your exposure to point-reliant activities, like wrestling. And I quote:
"I don't know how big you are, how old you are, how strong you are, I really want to hit you in the face with a brick."
Which pretty much translates to: I base my threat assessment on strength and size because I am not confident enough in my own combative abilities. (even though I have been training for a whopping six years!) In the event that you are larger than me, I will resort to using a brick because I will only square off against seventeen year olds dressed in pink.
So now that I am done putting you in time out, I think we should discuss the moral of this whole story.
1. Suck your chest in
2. Stop inflating your lats
3. Go take an art more worthwhile
4. Pick a fight with someone that will bring you down a notch.
5. Put your head down bitch.
I really liked that last one.
=====================================================
I don't actually make threats, I just state that some people come off so ignorant and obnoxious that I would actually like to hit them. If you read closely, I pretty rarely say "I'm GOING to kick your teeth in," and in fact, I am far more likely to say "I'd LIKE to kick your teeth in." And the brick thing? That's because a brick hurts a wee bit more than a fist more than because I lack confidence in myself to fight a fight that will never happen.
And how's this for life experience?
1. I grew up in Dorchester.
2. I first had my face slammed into the pavement by a cop at 13.
3. I've been stabbed.
4. I've had a gun pointed at me.
5. I was in a JDC for three months.
6. I have participated in a protest/riot.
7. And yes, I boxed and wrestled throughout high-school.
Good work reading into my 'threats.'
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:47:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shit anywhere you can
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Internet threats. Funny you should mention that. I read your post about how you beat up some seventeen year olds at a bowling ally, and I must say...you are a little fucking girl.
Let me tell you why, Junior.
To start, you should never brag about beating up people that aren't old enough to vote, especially when you yourself are of legal age. It's like bragging that you beat your kids. Also, never brag about beating up people that wear pink. For your pride's sake, let's all just imagine that you didn't resort to fighting pastel wearing teenagers.
Anyhow, I did enjoy the complacency in your tone when you describe your "boxing" and "wrestling" experience. Most high school boxers and wrestlers share the same position, that "I can handle anything because I competed against other scrubs" attitude. In reality, you don't even rate to talk about either because you haven't been training long enough. It's like bragging that you played little league. "I played little league since I was twelve, and let me tell you, I can really hit a ball!"
Faggot.
I've looked around on Ubersite at some of your responses, and I have seen traces of the same stupid arrogance. You base every threat on size and strength, which is a product of your exposure to point-reliant activities, like wrestling. And I quote:
"I don't know how big you are, how old you are, how strong you are, I really want to hit you in the face with a brick."
Which pretty much translates to: I base my threat assessment on strength and size because I am not confident enough in my own combative abilities. (even though I have been training for a whopping six years!) In the event that you are larger than me, I will resort to using a brick because I will only square off against seventeen year olds dressed in pink.
So now that I am done putting you in time out, I think we should discuss the moral of this whole story.
1. Suck your chest in
2. Stop inflating your lats
3. Go take an art more worthwhile
4. Pick a fight with someone that will bring you down a notch.
5. Put your head down bitch.
I really liked that last one.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-14 01:22:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Have a nice day, motherfuckers.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-14 01:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2006-05-08 22:32:14 (#)
Ranking: -2
I would stomp the life out of you little girl. With my dick.
==============
Nice internet threat, you little cunt. I hope you choke on a ham sandwich.
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2006-05-08 22:32:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I would stomp the life out of you little girl. With my dick.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2006-05-04 21:27:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How many of you fucks are still in high school?
Go do your fucking homework or something.
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-03 09:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo! I, too, despise the school pooper, and am glad that your forces are out there risking your lives to ensure schools everywhere stay pooper free!
Good work men! I salute you.
Submitted by Dave84 (user info) at 2006-05-03 08:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, look forward to more.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2006-05-03 07:51:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read. You wait till school is over and you have a full time job, when you poop at work your getting paid for it! I save poops specially for work. ahhhhhhhh.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-05-03 06:36:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Tell it to poopreport.com.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2006-05-03 01:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was going to negative you, because I had an alliance which were direct antagonists to your work. We'd always go in at the same time every day, and hit all bathrooms. Our school even had those toilets without stalls, and one of my buddies actually brought a paper with him everymorning and smiled at people in the urinals while poopin'.
Well, that was entirely my largest review ever. I'll see you around.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-03 00:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ofh fuck dude! its the worlds biuggest dick! it don't matter jusyt dont bite it!
i'll fuck you all day and then youll' cry blood out of your asshole becusse i fucked your dickhole! shut up.
this was well written.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-03 00:09:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-05-02 23:50:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was well-written.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-05-02 22:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I poop at work. Its my way of sticking it to the boss.
Submitted by knucklesnelson (user info) at 2006-05-02 22:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-02 22:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:54:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh. I have a lot of confidence in this series.
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:54:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heheheh. I have a lot of confidence in this series.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good man.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that's one clean skoo toilet... Who in the hell would complain about a toilet as sanitary looking as that one?
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-02 21:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
THAR we go. (.jpg)