IGKTW Just Deserts (765 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: IGKTW2
Rating: 1.36 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Redskieslookfake (View user info) at 2006-05-04 09:05:56 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/u/redskieslookfake/l/igktw2 Competition Link
It was a week before I next stepped into the Black Bull. I had spent my evenings sipping whiskey and listening to Cream's Disraeli Gears and wondering if they would reform one day.
Red was sitting in his usual seat, his cloud of smoke even denser than usual. As I opened the door a gust of wind swept through the pub, parting wreathes of cigarette smoke and making his long white beard flap about a little. He looked up, and his face lit up into his usual few toothed grin.
"Kiddo! Come on over!" he called out, beckoning with his ever present cup of coffee.
I walked over to the bar, caught the eye of the young barmaid, and asked for two cups of coffee. She smiled and nodded, "sure thing love, I'll bring them over when they're ready!"
I turned round to Red and pulled a chair out to sit on, nudging a pint glass with my elbow as I did so.
"Oi!" a voice shouted out. I turned in surprise to see a squat individual with a slightly damp red t-shirt. My eyes flickered down to his table and the pool of cider from the pint glass I had knocked earlier.
"Sorry mate - honest accident," I apologised, "Can I get you another drink?"
He puffed his chest up a bit, "you better you bloody student!"
I didn't bother trying to correct him, and concentrated on catching the barmaid's eye again. "A pint of cider for... sorry what's your name mate?"
"None of your fucking business," he snapped, scowling, his chest puffing out further still like some enraged rooster.
The barmaid brought his pint over and flashed me a quick smile as she placed the pint on his table. "Just keep it down Charlie, it was just an accident weren't it love?"
I nodded again and offered a wane smile. Charlie was still having none of it, and turned away, ostensibly to show his disgust, but probably to check out the barmaid's bum as she wiggled back behind the bar. I didn't blame him for that.
Red leant back on his chair, making the upholstery creak a little. This attracted my attention so I turned back to him to notice his jaw was sit just a little more firmly than usual. His few teeth were gritted.
"You wanna hear another story?" he asked.
I was surprised to see any sign of anger from the usually amiable Red. "Of course Red. I've been listening to Cream most of the week, so I'd love to hear another story."
"Cream? Pah!" Red grumbled. "Someone asked me to be in a Yardbird's covers band - do you know what I said?"
I shook my head numbly - wondering why he was so dismissive of Cream.
"I said, 'if it's the Yardbirds of Jeff Beck or my man Jimmy Page then yeah - if it's that wanker Clapton then no.'"
My eyebrows rose in surprise. "What's wrong with Clapton?" I asked.
"I'll tell you..."
--------------------------------
Back before Eric Clapton was making fifty quid a head at one of his concerts covering the songs of poor black blokes, back before guitar techs would come and hand him his guitar, back before he drove around in brand new Ferraris, old Slow Hand was a not bad guitarist.
He'd played with the Yardbirds and been pretty good, and had left when they went a bit more mainstream. Fair enough I thought at the time. If it's the blues you wanna play, then stick to that. (This is before he wrote I Shot the Sheriff in his reggae stage - not that I'm calling him a hypocrite or anything).
Anyhow, a little after he left the Yardbirds he played with Peter Green, but he also did one or two little gigs, just to try things out really. And of course, he needed a support act.
Yours truly was not a bad guitarist in those days. I didn't have his reputation though, so what should have been a double bill was labelled 'Clapton and supporting band.'
We weren't playing big places, a lot of them were well off the beaten track which I was used to, but it came as a bit of a shock for Slowhand. We ended up in some little village in Herts, you know the sort, regulars, no juke box and a slightly bewildered owner who was constantly being berated by the locals as to how he was wasn't running the pub properly.
Clapton wasn't happy with this state of affairs. His agent had promised him bright lights and being stuck in these country pubs was driving him nuts. So, to relieve the tedium, Clapton had upped his already considerable drugs intake.
He was an arrogant prick at the best of times, and when he was on coke, he was even more belligerent. We'd tried to jam once or twice, and when I'd done a better Robert Johnson solo than him he took offence. I'd tried to calm him down but he still put his fist in my mouth, busting out a few of my teeth (and I ain't got too many of them left!) and cutting open his knuckle.
I spat the tooth and a mouthful of blood out and had a bit of a shout at him, but he was too full of bravado and drugs to care. He told me I was a shitty talentless guitarist and that I should be kissing his arse just for the pleasure of sharing a bill with him. I shrugged and told him to go and have a walk.
He stormed out in a strop and that's the last I saw of him that afternoon.
I was sat there, nursing my jaw when my eyes happened to fall on the sight of Clapton's stage bag. I stood up, grabbed the bag and went back to my room. I'd decided to have a piss in it to teach him a lesson but I just flung the bag under my bed and went to the bathroom to clean myself up.
It wasn't too long before I had to get on stage. I played a few of Clapton's numbers adding a few of my own licks. The sound must have reached back stage so I amused myself with the thought of his scowling outrage.
I finished my set and stepped towards the bar to get a drink and to watch Clapton. Say what you like about the guy, but I still wanted to hear him play.
Fifteen minutes late he stumbled on. The stage lights were hot, but not enough to explain his sweat coated face. He picked up his guitar and fumbled through his first two tracks. There was none of the flair or technique that you normally got from him and I wondered what had put him off so much. Just when I was thinking perhaps it was more renditions of his stuff I twigged.
His bag has his coke in. He must have stumbled around looking for it while the withdrawal symptoms started cramping his gut. Clapton wiped his brow with his flowery shirt sleeve. He was sweating to get dry.
A few numbers later and Clapton went down. He tripped on a loose lead and fell to his knees. I watched grimly as the pub owner hurridly jumped on stage to carry him off. The rest of the tour got cancelled. I flushed the contents of his bag down the toilet before returning to Leicester to get a new gig.
That was the last time I ever played support for Slowhand and since then he never made eye contact with me again.
-------------------------
Red leaned back, a smile on his face. I frowned a little, unwilling to believe that the man who wrote 'Layla' had punched Red in the face.
Red could see the doubt on my face I'm sure. He took a sip of his coffee before leaning to one side to reach behind his chair. He pulled out a leather bag and placed it on the table. I looked at it carefully and noted the wallet half peaking out.
I looked up inquiringly and Red nodded. I took the wallet out and opened it. The driving license read Eric Patrick Clapton and I held it with no small modicum of awe. I glanced back up at Red, a man who had shared a stage with Clapton.
He adjusted his beret and grinned, his broken teeth testement to his story.
-----------------
Clapton played 'The Preacher' in the film version of The Who's Tommy in 1975.
User Reviews
Submitted by fluff (user info) at 2006-07-06 17:32:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-06-02 20:28:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-02 20:20:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://bergkamp.ytmnd.com/ """
that's fucking hilarious.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-06-01 15:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-06-01 12:00:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n
Try copying and pasting it into firefox
http://www.funlol.com/funpages/worlds-biggest-zit.html
The original page
Good luck.
------------
The sound plays but I don't see any video. Maybe there's a codec missing on my work PC or something. Ah well.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-31 11:49:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes it was cack.
xmen that is.
Submitted by CarmenGhia (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
PLease do not waste your life writing drivel like this. If you want to see an example of fine writing, check this one out:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87988
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-16 08:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:16:19 (#)
Ranking: 1
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWIUp19bBoA
Apollo - lookee """
hahahaha awesome.
STEEEEVE GERRARD, GERRARD
HE'LL PASS THE BALL 40 YARDS
HE'S BIG AND HE'S FUCKING HARD
STEVE, GERRARD, GERRARD.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 05:21:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oooh oooh - I'm Eric Clapton. OOoh ooooh - I only play the blues - except when I play Rock/Reggae or anything else I fancy. I sulk about Jeff Beck and Jimmy Page when they played in the band that I left in a huge strop, only to be proven hypocritical about my reasons later on. I now get paid fifty quid a head to play the same hackneyed shite over and over at music venues across the world. During my periods of boredom I drive one of my vast selection of sports cars around one of my cunting mansions. Fuck new material of any worth - i'm quite happy ripping off Robert Johnson for the rest of my life.
I also don't give a shit about any other blues musicians (despite owing everything to their support and influence) - thus I wont ask local musicians to support me on tours, nor will I spend any of my vast fortune on running blues festivals etc. All of that is for queers.
Oooh - did I mention I used to have a drug problem? Aren't I unique!!!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 05:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-05-09 04:42:29 (#)
Ranking: 1
You really only wrote this because you hate Eric Clapton. By the way, my insane Irish friend is coming over on the 20th, care to get shitfaced and fall in love with a Bigg Market slapper old bean?
---
I'm there.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2006-05-09 04:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You really only wrote this because you hate Eric Clapton. By the way, my insane Irish friend is coming over on the 20th, care to get shitfaced and fall in love with a Bigg Market slapper old bean?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:08:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish i had fish and chips right now.
---
Well you don't. Game over.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:08:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wish i had fish and chips right now.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:24:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to get some fish and chips in a minute.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-04 18:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i dock you for weirdness of sentence structure overall and other significant errors.
sorry sir.
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-04 17:15:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Clapton has the toyota down payment blues. What a fuckin whitey.
Good writing though.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-04 16:50:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm not keen on Clapton either - and I've seen him live.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-04 16:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It was vengeance Jack - it was just happenstance that I could work The Preacher in. Been ages since I've seen Tommy.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-04 16:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good.
I COULD have docked points because I just can't get into Clapton no-way, no-how. And I COULD have docked points because the preacher theme was stretched more than Mr. Lifto's dick bearing a cinderblock.
But I'm not feeling like a bastard today, and this was a tale well-told.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:01:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always thought if you don't piss in a man's luggage you can't rightly say you've had your vengeance on him, but I may have to reconsider in light of this tale...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-04 10:34:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Retaliatory zero!
Or not. Either way, really. I like Ole Red.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-04 10:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-04 09:54:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Red. I'm glad you kept him.
This, however:
"(This is before he wrote I Shot the Sheriff in his reggae stage - not that I'm calling him a hypocrite or anything)."
Made me cringe and distracted me.
Bob Marley wrote "I shot the Sheriff".
Good story, Jake.
---
He didn't write Cocaine either. erm JJ Cale If I recall correctly. I meant to write 'played I Shot the Sheriff.' I offer profuse apologies milady
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-04 09:59:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Am I the only one who misread Red as RAD?!?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-04 09:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like Red. I'm glad you kept him.
This, however:
"(This is before he wrote I Shot the Sheriff in his reggae stage - not that I'm calling him a hypocrite or anything)."
Made me cringe and distracted me.
Bob Marley wrote "I shot the Sheriff".
Good story, Jake.
Submitted by Stuch (user info) at 2006-05-04 09:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll admit, I was going to bring you up on spelling. And now I feel sheepish.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-04 09:08:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Deserts, in the sense of 'things deserved' has been used in English since at least the 13th century. A citation in which it is linked with 'just' comes from 1599, in 'Warning Faire Women':
" Upon a pillory - that al the world may see, A just desert for such impiety."
With this phrase it isn't the origin that is interesting though, but the spelling. I am often contacted by people pointing out that 'just deserts' is misspelled. They go to great lengths to explain why it should be 'just desserts'. They are wrong, but perhaps understandably so.
http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/just-deserts.html