Kate (1175 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Truth
Rating: 1.26 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2006-05-04 11:41:56 EDT
I've failed her.
I failed her the day I walked out on her Mother. I failed her the day I moved away to go to school, then farther away to find work.
I failed her over and over again with every missed event in her life and every tear that slid crystalline from her face in the months following; every wet trail on her cheek left un-wiped by a father's sure hand.
I moved from 'Dad' to heartbreak to favored acquaintance as I switched careers then cities in a search for a life that would fill a void within me that, that shitty little town never could.
For 8 years now she's been of my life but not in my life.
She said goodbye to me in a way. She celebrated with me when I married. She spread flowers before the feet of my bride and then spent the evening twirling around a bloom-covered pole in the middle of the dance floor, while the ship cut through black glass seawater and the great glowing towers of my new home slid serenely by. She spun until she dropped, her perfect little smile spinning around the room, casting its glow on the multitude, infecting them with unrestrained child joy.
I wonder if she would have been as joyful if she'd truly understood the distance between where she lived and where she danced?
I talked to her once a week after that but it was 8 months before I saw her again.
The distance was too great for a casual visit. Money was too tight to bridge the gap.
I went to school, learned, and moved on, and then on again when my marriage failed and I left another little girl behind to wonder why her Daddy didn't tuck her in anymore.
Years passed as I picked up the pieces of my life again with the kind of fumbling skill only someone who is adept at missing the important things has.
No time for regret, or for second-guesses. Had to move on, had to find my place in the world.
Still haven't found it. Maybe, cuz I left it behind.
I have a new career and the love of a good woman now.
Sometimes I hold them tight and sometimes I have them by a thread.
Sometimes I talk to Kate on the phone and sometimes, when money is ok and everything in the universe falls perfectly into place, I go to see her or bring her to see me.
I tell myself that I do what I can - when I can - but there's no denying the distance.
She's not a little girl anymore, she's 13 going on Supermodel.
She's AWARE now.
She understands adult concepts because she's been nudged out of childhood at an early age; Partially by me, partially by other things and it scares me to death cuz one day that smile of hers might get doused like a reflection caught in a wake. One day she might ask herself why she wasn't enough to keep me around and the answer she finds could change how she sees me.
Two weeks ago, she came to visit.
She spent 8 days with me.
I hadn't seen her in over a year.
I've been picking up pieces... I'm always picking up pieces.
I met her behind a church. I wrapped my arms around her and held her tight enough to make her grunt, while I shed a tear of my own.
I told her I love her and that it had been too long and I was sorry, and when I released my grip, she stood back and smiled up at me through glistening eyes, and I knew.
I know.
I know she's a part of me and I her, regardless of where life steers us.
I've failed her but she's never failed me and maybe that's good enough.
To her, I'm 'Dad' - always have been, always will be.
I'll dance at her wedding one day. Kate will look up and something of the child I remember will be in her smile. I'll look into her shining eyes and tell her how proud she makes me and how much I've always loved her.
Just gotta keep trying is all.
One day, all the pieces will fit together.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-09-17 16:23:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah listen to that guy
Submitted by dooawop (user info) at 2006-05-18 01:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Snark, you have written some beautiful pieces...of shit.
Welcome to fagtown everybody, Snark is your new mayor!
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Snark,you have written some beautiful pieces. Your honesty and sincerity comes across through your writing. I think it is wrong you have to defend your self as a father because of this.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-04 23:43:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see Filthy's point, but thought her judgement was a little quick. And this was written in a very touching manner.
I think you're swell, Snarky.
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-05-04 22:25:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was SO not the word I was going for...
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-05-04 22:23:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-04 13:48:24 (#)
Ranking: 0
This is entirely true, I wanted it written as if it were straight from my mouth hence the "cuz"
I actually talk that way.
-------------------------------------
There is a fine art to writing the way you speak without sounding vapid.
I think you did all right.
Submitted by JumpingJax (user info) at 2006-05-04 19:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yawn
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-04 19:08:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:13:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
The end of this strayed too far into "I'm a bad father but I'll just reassure myself with some vague romantic notion of attending her wedding to assuage the guilt I should be crippled with" for me.
You say she'll always think of you as 'dad', but I think you assume too much. Children are not something you can choose to only deal with once a year when it's convenient for you. To abandon one child is bad enough - to abandon two should be a clear sign that you do not need to even consider having any more kids.
=======================
For the sake of clarification, here's how things work.
I live in Vancouver because it was necessary to move here for both my then Wife's career and mine.
We had a little girl who stayed with her after the divorce (of course) and who I see every weekend unless something comes up (I work the odd weekend).
The place I moved from is 12 hours north of Vancouver. It is a small town (maybe 3k people). There are no IT jobs there.
To say I 'Choose' to deal with my daughter once a year is mis-reading what I've written, in my opinion.
TO say it's 'only when it's convenient' is also reading more into what I've written than is actually there.
It's funny. The mother's of both children were appalled to read your take on this. They both pulled something completely different out of this story and neither of them harbours the smallest amount of ill will towards me...
Then again, they are obviously closer to this than you are and might think differently if they weren't.
Of course I could stop paying support like so many Dads do these days. It would certainly free up money for travelling and visits.
I wasn't planning on elaborating to an Internet stranger but then I re-read the story and it seemed like you might have judged harshly considering the obvious lack of particular detail.
Regardless, you are obviously entitled to your opinion and I thank you for your trademark honesty.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:13:17 (#)
Ranking: 0
The end of this strayed too far into "I'm a bad father but I'll just reassure myself with some vague romantic notion of attending her wedding to assuage the guilt I should be crippled with" for me.
You say she'll always think of you as 'dad', but I think you assume too much. Children are not something you can choose to only deal with once a year when it's convenient for you. To abandon one child is bad enough - to abandon two should be a clear sign that you do not need to even consider having any more kids.
===============
Can't really blame you for making that judgement based on the limited info in this story.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2006-05-04 15:13:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The end of this strayed too far into "I'm a bad father but I'll just reassure myself with some vague romantic notion of attending her wedding to assuage the guilt I should be crippled with" for me.
You say she'll always think of you as 'dad', but I think you assume too much. Children are not something you can choose to only deal with once a year when it's convenient for you. To abandon one child is bad enough - to abandon two should be a clear sign that you do not need to even consider having any more kids.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-04 14:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just as enjoyable as this http://bill.innanen.com/miscstuff/rwb-beard/index.shtml thanks.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-05-04 14:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-04 13:48:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This is entirely true, I wanted it written as if it were straight from my mouth hence the "cuz"
I actually talk that way.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-04 13:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Cuz" bothered me too, but this was great.
Submitted by natedawg (user info) at 2006-05-04 13:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-05-04 13:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Yes (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Umm... there were no zombies or blood or anything like that in here.... are you feeling okay?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:41:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I tell you what, sonny, this didn't help my mood, not one bit. Beautiful.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So nice. And she has a great name.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you should write a story about a futuristic theme park where nothing is as it seems
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beautiful.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-04 12:00:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
good but, just, dunno.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I like the story, but 'cuz' really bothered me. The character you portray spoke so eliquently and you yourself had some wonderful phrases, but 'cuz'? That just really ruined a definante +1 for me sorry mate :(
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:49:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You can NEVER get back that missed time, that is the bastard of it.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-05-04 11:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh man.
Man oh man oh man.