A Babe in The Jungle: Land of Loafers, Ugly Cows, and Coconut Munchers (1222 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Caes (View user info) at 2006-05-04 23:13:31 EDT
My first day of vacation in the Domincan Republic was less than cheerful. In fact, it was absolutely infuriating.
As I mentioned before, most of us didn't get any sleep the night before. We just stayed up and watched movies and played cards until it was time to get on the plane. We arrived in the Dominican at about 10:45. After touching down, we went through immigration and all that, which was mostly uneventful. But my big "We're not in Kansas anymore" moment happened on the way from the departure gate to the immigration booths: there were these three guys, all dressed in flowery shirts and straw hats and singing and playing live salsa music as we passed by, with an upended hat ready to receive tips.
Well that, and all the signs were in Spanish and I was surrounded by black people who didn't speak English (not even ghetto ebonic English, neither).
We then filed onto a bus and began the hour-long drive to the resort. The air was hot and damp, but the bus was thankfully air conditioned.
I couldn't see much from the bus because of where I was sitting, but I tried hard to look out the window anyway. The scenery was just fascinating. So many types of trees I had never seen before, weird little villages, little dark people everywhere, squat little buildings.
Three things stuck out for me on that trip.
1. DOMINICAN PEOPLE LIKE TO WAVE AT WHITE FOLK. I don't know why exactly, but it put me ill at ease. Usually when someone waves at me, it means one of two things: This person knows me, and is offering a casual greeting. This person sees that a piano is about to drop on me, and is trying to get my attention in order to save my life. Neither were the case in the DR. Everywhere we passed, these people, young or old, would pause from eating their bananas or coconuts or whatever, and wave to our bus. I didn't even think they could see us, so I don't think they expected a wave back. In fact, once I saw a guy who was living in a shack in the middle of a hill...he must have been close to a half kilometer away (what, like, a quarter mile for Americans?), and this little bastard is waving energetically. Dude! I can barely fucking see you!! Don't waste your time!
I was suspicious of this questionably friendly behaviour, but I found it comforting to imagine that they were shouting, "Hello white people!" in a Jamaican accent. Don't ask me why.
2. DOMINICANS DO NOT RECOGNIZE THE IMPORTANCE OF CITY PLANNING. The Dominican Republic isn't a rich country, so I expected to see a few run-down shacks, and I did. The weird thing was, I would see an ugly decrepit hut with a rusted corrugated tin roof, and then fifty feet down the street, I'd see a friggin' estate in the hills. Rich housing was side-by-side with crap-shacks. It was very odd...later I would learn that there's very little crime in the Dominican, as well. Very odd...in North America, poverty usually goes hand in hand with crime. Strange, no? Oh, also, in our hour long trip through the countryside and several mid-to-large sized villages, we did not hit one traffic light or even stop sign. The only thing the bus stopped for was giant road-width pot holes.
3. DOMINICANS SHOULD NEVER GET INTO AESTHETIC DESIGN. I tell you, those guys love their pastels. A good percentage of the buildings were painted pastel pink, blue, green, or yellow. When's the last time you saw a pink house? Or a pastel anything? Also, the buildings were almost all square and stocky (i believe this is to avoid hurricane damage). A lot of them didn't have doors in their doorways or glass in their windows. Very open concept. I found it hard to accept that it will never get cold enough in this place for people to need closed doors and internal heating. All you need is something that stops you from getting rained on. That's it, you're set. Suck it, Bob Vila. That's ridiculous.
Anyway, so we arrived at the resort shortly after noon. The heat began to affect us immediately, as most of us were still in long pants from our trip. When we arrived, we got some bad news: by some happenstance of fuckwittery, our rooms wouldn't be ready until 3:00, and there's nothing to eat until 1:00. I know that doesn't sound like a big deal, but remember, we're tired, hot, and starving. So, we put our luggage down in this big receiving area and we chill out in the main lobby -- the lobby was pretty neat, actually. It was basically a huge square gazebo. It had giant, glassless windows on one side, and pillars instead of a wall on the opposite side. It was very pretty in there, too, marble floors, high wood ceiling, lots of neat art. So I guess there are worse places to hang out.
But, there are cooler places. Fuck I was hot. We went to the buffet area at 1 or so -- this too was constructed in a gazebo-style. We ate some so-so food (more on that later) and returned to the lobby to wait. And wait. At 3 we checked on our room. Not ready. At 3:15, not ready. I feel like shit. I just want to put all my luggage away. My balls are sweating. I want to kill everyone I see.
So I decide to get in line for our safety deposit key while we're waiting for our room (there's a safe in each room -- you're encouraged to pay 25$ US to get a key to that safe so you can put all your valuables in it). This line is moving impossibly slow. Apparently Dominicans have not mastered the skill of finding a numbered key and passing into the hands of foreigners. I stood there for fifteen minutes and advanced about five feet. And I almost executed the kid in front of me.
He looked about 19 or so. This stupid wee bastard didn't know how to line up. Here's how it works. You leave no more than one foot or so between you and the next person in line. If they move, you move with them. Here's how it DOESN'T work: you DON'T leave a big empty space between you and the next people in line. You DON'T drop all your shit in front of you and scatter it around you like you're in your room at home. You DON'T opt to have a retarded and loud conversation with your buddies, who are NOT in line, about the wisdom of trying to smuggle weed past Dominican customs or loudly debate where you can get some in this country while the line moves further and further away from you. What you DO is, you stand in line, you shut your fucking mouth, you take up as little space as possible, and you MOVE WITH THE LINE.
I wasn't sweating so much as I was leaking at this point. I'm exceptionally tired, sweaty, and cranky, and I'm confronted with a person who doesn't seem to understand a basic social behavior that he should have mastered when he was in Grade 3. WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO LINE UP?? I actually caught myself taking a step towards him, with my hands out of my pockets. I don't know what I was going to do, but I like to think that I was going to snap his neck. Stupid no-idea-how-a-line-works pothead date rapist punk-ass bitch. I hope that little wanker contracted scurvy and died. Died alone.
I eventually abandoned my line because by 3:30, my room was ready (long after all my travelling companions). Thankful, my roomate and I grabbed our stuff and went to our room. It was a decent room, but most importantly, it was airconditioned and had beds. But we didn't have time to nap, because we had an orientation meeting with our tour representative in half an hour. So I showered, changed, and went to the meeting, where our amazingly cute tour rep (she was from Scarborough, just outside of Toronto, actually, so she spoke perfect English) gave us the low down on the week and on activities we could partake in.
After the meeting, I did some exploring. After all, I didn't want to go to bed at 5 pm, and there was no way I'd be taking a nap...when I went to bed, I planned on staying there for a while. I took in some of the sights at the resort and bumped into a lot of pepole (convinced, in my hypersensitive cranky state, that most people were deliberately going out of their way to present themselves as obstacles to me. Tiny people, too. Tiny people that were saying, in a nonverbal but very clear manner, "Caesar, I am an annoying obstacle. Crush me."). My friends and I met up and had dinner at the buffet later on, and then most of us went to bed at about 8:30, 9 o'clock.
I know what you're thinking, but you can suck it. Most of us had been up almost 36 straight hours at this point, I had strange foreign food in my belly, and there were leathery old men in speedos and fat women wearing thongs. It was time to strategically retreat.
I slept for 11 straight hours and woke up in a fantastic mood.
Next time: Caesar vs. the inept catamaran operator
User Reviews
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 21:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-07-26 12:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks much like Mexico.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-20 05:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2006-05-20 02:18:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Have one uh them plus 2s then
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
worth reading...
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:39:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was set to see some goats standing on tin roofs, but all I get are low carb cows doing normal cow things. Rooftop goats are more a St. Croix thing, but still, they are in D. Republic.
I'd settle for a rusty refrigerator on a front porch at this point, some happy ass bastards passing a bong with a lime slice on it like a third world Corona commercial.
(btw, anybody know where the 2ed world is? I don't. . . Canada?)
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:24:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-07 18:15:36 (#)
Ranking: 2
"Caesar, I am an annoying obstacle. Crush me."
I smiled, then laughed, then laughed harder
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-07 18:15:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Caesar, I am an annoying obstacle. Crush me."
I smiled, then laughed, then laughed harder
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-07 17:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kre8rix -- http://www.ubersite.com/m/75247
Submitted by Kre8rix (user info) at 2006-05-06 17:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Caes, long time no see...I lost your e-mail...mine should be obvious, hit me up.
-K
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-05 22:10:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:26:12 (#)
Ranking: 2
Face showing no emotion, jaw clenching and unclenching (adams apple bobbing up and down), semi-rapid blinking.
**********************
My adam's apple bobs up and down when I'm irritated?? You lie. You lie like a cheap whore.
I'd recommend DR, for sure. The food's not excellent, but it's not terrible and there was lots of selection where we were. There are better beaches...the beach on the resort was man-made...still nice, but the natural beaches that we visited were really gorgeous. There's lots to do (trips and excursions and stuff are pretty awesome, though they cost between 35 and 80 bucks US; and there's some free activities you can participate in throughout the day). The people there seem really grateful to have you there, too.
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:38:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Coo
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-05 14:39:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Our cows are fat, lazy bastards.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:34:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sweet.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God, you're such a fucking grump, it kills me. I could see EXACTLY how you looked when you were irritated.
Face showing no emotion, jaw clenching and unclenching (adams apple bobbing up and down), semi-rapid blinking.
Would you recommend DR for a vacation? Say, if I somehow got money (hey, I DID get a job!), and wanted to go somewhere with beaches, should I go there?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 i'm done with finals!!!!!!!!!!!
W00t!
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-05 10:03:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He shoots, he scores.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:32:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a tall person I know that if a shorter person is taking a picture of me I should check for flags, or hangers. You sir appear to have neglected to do so and have allowed a picture of your nsaal cavity with clear signs of there being a bat in the cave.
I had to go and when I came back I found this in the review box. I d not recall which post I am on so that's what you get.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:05:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a spot of dirt on your camera in that last picture. It looks like a black box.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can be incredibly fun arriving at your hotel in a foreign land you just never know if
a) your room will be ready
b) your booking has actually been taken seriously.
If I had to choose between them I would choose a) but it still sucks. I arrived in Bangkok once at 4:00am, I was tired and hot and somewhat angry to find out that not only had they not kept my booking but that the hotel was fully booked. They managed to come up with a dearer room that I could have. My luggage was heavy and I didn't fancy walking the streets looking for another hotel.
Still all that stuff aside travelling to another country is awesome.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Stupid no-idea-how-a-line-works pothead date rapist punk-ass bitch. I hope that little wanker contracted scurvy and died. Died alone. "
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:44:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
gotta love them coconuts
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:23:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Needed more Telepathy...
Submitted by Leonfc (user info) at 2006-05-05 07:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It looks like Koh Samui
Same biker types too; whole families crammed onto a moped smoking and playing cards.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:01:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a pretty decent place to live.
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-05-05 05:53:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mm.. Canadians.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 05:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You put the lime in the coconut
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-05 05:16:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ace. I love the sense of wonder.
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-05-05 02:59:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
they wave to you to meet some of our old presidents
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-05 02:17:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There were definitely some good lines in here, but +2 for the plant monster pic. That shit is farking cool!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-05 00:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brings back memories
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-05 00:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus 2, biatch.