How I quit smoking (1044 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.36 on 27 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Naery (View user info) at 2006-05-05 05:33:56 EDT
This is a true story. Some of the names have been changed to protect the innocents, but the rest actually happened. (As best as I remember anyway.)
January 28th. A buddy of mine, Shane, had invited me and my roommate, Stan, to go to Osaka for Compa. Compa is where one guy and one girl invite friends to get together to go out on one massive blind date. The ratio is always one to one guys to girls. Anyway. While I was doing some moderately successful flirting at Compa, this chick comes around and says she's advertising a new kind of cigarrette. She told all the smokers to raise their hands and show us what brand of smokes we currently were smoking. I help up my w 2 packs of Lark Reds with Pride (one was almost empty). She then proceeded to give each of the smokers a free pack of smokes. So I now had 2+ packs of smokes. Of course, being the hard-core smokers that we all are, we packed that shit right then and there. Then we all lit one up. I was the only one that liked them, so my buddies all gave me their packs. I now had a total of 7 packs. My original 2, the one I had received and then my 4 friends' packs. After Compa, most of the girls went home and a few of the guys did too. The rest of us went to a club. It's an all-you-can-drink place. Entry is about US$35 for guys and US$25 for chicks. We met Shane's girlfriend there. Stan went to a differnt club.
At this club, you are given a glass and then you just take the glass up to the bar and they put your drink in it. It's that simple, whatever you want, they have a full wet-bar. I walked up to the bar and ordered a Tequila Sunrise and a shot of Tequila. I drank that in about 3 minutes. So I went back to the bar and I ordered another Tequila Sunrise and a shot of Tequila and told the bartender to make it a little bit stiffer. He did, and he took a shot with me. I drank that one PDQ (pretty damn quick) as well. Went back to the bar, ordered another stiff TS and a shot of Tequila. The bartender poured us each 2 shots and made me a really stiff TS. He seemed to be enjoying the concept of a white guy out to get hammered (bartender was Japanese; it's a Japanese club so I guess that makes sense). Shane came up to us just as we were finishing the second shot and demanded to be let into the fun, so the 'tender and I ended up taking another two shots of Tequila with Shane. Shane and I went back to the dance floor and the girls we'd been hitting on and I slammed back my TS after sharing a little of it with the ladies (shock factor, they couldn't believe it was so strong, they're Japanese also). Then, to make a long story short, I ended up making out with Shane's girlfriend.
****** I have to digress for a moment, because I absolutely LOVE and ADORE irony and this is incredibly ironic. Shane and I had been talking about moving to Tokyo together but he told me he was worried about me and his girlfriend living under the same house. I told him not to worry because I'm not into white girls. I told him she's not my type and the only way he'd have to worry is if 1) she was the only girl around, 2) I was incredibly inebriated and 3) he wasn't around. Who would have thought that they would choose THAT night to have a huge fight and for her to seek solace from me? Needless to say, I was drunk as a Judge, he was elsewhere stewing and we were alone in the fire escape stairwell. We started making out. Ahh, I love the smell of irony.******
A few minutes after Shane's GF and I finished making out, she went back inside and I went to get another TS and a shot. From here, my memory is a little bit fuzzy, but what I definitely remember is that all through the night, I'd been smoking like I was in a marathon race and by the time the bar closed (something like 5am, or about 7 hours after I'd gotten them) I had smoked all of the packs I'd gotten from that advertising chick. That's about a pack an hour. I'd also ended up losing Shane and his GF and I was still really fuchin drunk. So I decided to go to the other club where Stan had gone. I bought another pack of smokes on the way, my good old friends Lark Red. I met up with Stan and I started doing more shots of Tequila with the bartender of that club and Stan. That's when things get really dark. I have absolutely no memory of how we got back to our house (Stan and I were roommates, remember?). Nor do I remember falling down in the Mc'Donald's lobby, unconcious. Nor do I remember pissing from the sidewalk into the street. Nor do I remember holding a chain up over the car so we could get out of a closed parking lot. HOWEVER!!! I DO remember waking up at 9pm on January 31st and not wanting to smoke.
So, in summary, here's the magic formula for quitting smoking:
8.5 packs of cigarrettes + about 2 bottles of low-grade tequila + 2 days of unconciousness = no smoking!!
User Reviews
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:37:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
OH FUCKING CHRIST
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
thanks Caul, i cant stream it on 56k
Istaros: im DLing the zit vid maybe i can watch it this way
avaTschuly: freak
Istaros: hehe
Istaros: i bet ill wank to it, too
avaTschuly: yeah, i thought so too
Istaros: imagining myself thrusting into the gaping hole
Istaros: nice and creamy
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:26:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's not digusting at all...the puss & blood looked like tasty kiddie toothpaste.
I'm disapointed :-(
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yay it worked! can't wait to see it!
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:21:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i wanna see that godamn video...i ahve to paste the link http://media.funlol.com/content/worlds-biggest-zit.wmv
Submitted by Paddles (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:14:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:31:18 (#)
Ranking: -2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n
This put me off smoking
===============================
That is easily the most disgusting thing I've seen in my life.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:05:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
know how i quit smoking? went for a run, realized my lungs were shit, and threw out the pack. Voila!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Zorba-style
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-05 17:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:54:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought this was going to say:
"by jumping off a bridge"
i was sooo disapointed.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
The closest you ever came to smoking was second hand smoke from your abusive father.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
By killing yourself?
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i quit by, well, just quitting. but that wouldn't have made a very good post.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for beign a white guy in Japan
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:49:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"That's about a pack an hour."
That's one cigarette every 3 minutes.
Uh
No.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:30:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're a wuss.
i quit a month ago cold turkey.
Submitted by mtgn37 (user info) at 2006-05-05 10:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://tinyurl.com/
i keep seeing this link and im scared because all the links ive clicked on ubersite are like fucking bottleguy and meatspin and eel sex. who knows what the fuck this is..........
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n
This put me off smoking
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:28:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im smoking 15 cigarettes as i type this
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-05-05 09:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Went back to the bar, ordered another stiff TS and a shot of Tequila.
=====================
Yeah, you like those stiff transsexuals, don't you?
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:54:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i thought this was going to say:
"by jumping off a bridge"
i was sooo disapointed.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-05 08:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I smoke two packs of full flavored menthol cigarettes a day.
Three, if I'm drinking that night...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-05 07:55:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My name is Warren G. Harding.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Pussy
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:31:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I've sure I've read this before, and didn't like it then either.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:27:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shurrup.
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:02:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-05 06:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've heard a few similar tales of people who aren't trying to quit, smoking an immense amount in a short space of time and then finding they don't ever want another ciggie.