Sex, showers and fanny gunk (3243 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: -1.06 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The_Story_Teller (View user info) at 2006-05-05 11:37:08 EDT
Ok, so me and my beautiful girlfriend are chilling out in bed, when a gust of wind must have blown past my penis as my member was soon peeping up at me (hmmm just a little easily aroused). Now i must stress this is a very very true story, and i must know if this has happened to anyone else as it still scares me.
Ok, so i have an errection, and i want sex, basic maths 2+2, all the guys will understand, and to my great suprise so did she.... hmmm how very odd.... But why would i question that? Well I knew there would be something, and as it turned out she was very heavy on the blob (uh-oh period juice!), which means i have a very difficult decision to make.... How am i gonna release my mini men? Luckily, she suggests fucking in the shower, so we can become clean as we go along, good idea i thought, sex, no blood, sex, great!!
Jesus Christ himself could not prapare me for the awkward, then disgusting, then panic that was to follow. Now, quite strong in arm strength, i was to slightly hoist her up in the shower, and slip it in from behind, easy right? well no, being 6 foot 2", and her just 5 foot, things dont line up easily if ya get me. For those of you who don't understand, with her standing infront of me flat on her feet, i have to proper get down low and bend in yoga like positions to get my cock in the boat dock of love.
So this is where the hoisting came into play, try and bring her to my level you see? So, one of her feet is planted on the edge of the bath tub, the other leg is being held up by yours truely, it seemed everything was going to be ok. However, there still wasn't enough room or angle for me to comfortably destroy the inner walls of her cunt. Fuck this i thought, and so she started sucking my cock on request, it was good, i was happy. Not for long. Being the immature wank stain i am, gettin head wasn't good enough, no i had to piss her off by spraying the shower in her face while she was doing it, she got moody, bitch.
She got over it, and this is where it gets fucking gross. Due to us being uncapable to fuck in the shower safely, she suggests porking her in the arse as less angle is needed. Being an ass lover myself, i stuck it in their quicker than Moses fled Egypt. But, but but but but..... When i got in about half way, things got very strange, now i put this down to her bleeding vagina, but one can only assume. ANYWAY as i was saying, when it got in about half way, she went very pale (strange as we had bum banged a few times in the past and been fine) "Are you alright babe?" I ask her, no reply, maybe it hurts, whats going on she looks dead, and then without warning, an image i will never ever forget, her vagina exploded with this slime like blob of minging red shit, now im sorry for any women reading this, but that aint no fucking blood its like, blood mixed with elephant sweat and deer shit, i mean, yuck! The water of course is running, and it is a matter of seconds before i am jumping round like a bird in hysterics, honestly, iron mike tyson would have slit his wrists at this point, i mean, man it was fucking touching my feet!
Ok recap, we try shagging in the shower coz shes on her period, don't work, stick it in her arse and then she spontaneously combusts all over my fucking bath, whore. Anyway, whilst panicking and leaping out the bloody goo at my feet, after growing whiter and paler during my hysterics, my bird flops to the floor, cold and unconsious (im just glad the evil death goo had retreated down the plug hole at this point). So now im bloody i didnt get my fucking fuck and i have killed my girlfriend. Normal day in my life.... great.
So in desperation and preparing for my interview with the police over my unintentional murder, i ran to retrieve a towel for my loved one. I put my arm around her shoulder and lifted her, wrapped the towel around her and carried her to the bed, still unconsious. As nasty as it sounds i think i was still more bothered about stepping in fanny gunge than helping my dead girlfriend, well she was breathing, but she really was not in a good way.
So i start doing all the checks and try to bring her around, which after 2 minutes (seemed like hours) she opened her eyes and said "if your gonna be an idiot suck your own fucking cock"...... WHAT THE FUCK? WAS SHE NOT EVEN AWARE I HAD JUST BEEN DIRTIED BY HER RED SHIT!!!! SAVED HER WHEN SHE FAINTED!!!! AND SHE REMEMBERED NOTHING!!!! I explained what happened and she saw how bad she looked in the mirror, and possibly my dirty feet (sorry had to hahaha)!!! However it was my fault, i dont know how or why, but i was in the fucking dog house. Next time i'll let her lie in a puddle of her own slime. Bitch. I had a wank.
User Reviews
Submitted by v8lover (user info) at 2006-05-05 18:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha that's hilarious... fuck I'm at work and could barely contain my laughter.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:36:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-05 14:55:09 (#)
Ranking: -1
well, that'll teach me to eat lunch and read one of your posts
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hee hee hee.....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-05 14:55:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
well, that'll teach me to eat lunch and read one of your posts
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:43:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
DAS CRAPPY!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
When you say "girlfriend" I assume you mean the native chicks in the soiled National Geographics behind your bed, and when you say "sex" I assume you mean masturbation.
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think this is satire.
If it is, you deserve a +2 for being subtle....
If not, I will -2 this at a later date.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this was not a good story, story teller. it made me puke in my dinty moore beef stew.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Do you know the way to my ass, Tyler?
I hope you do, for I am very much excited to be for the tasty life
Even if the double coupon action will be rejected
Craptacular the homeless display
Unpossible! I will asplode!
Nobody puts Baby in a corner, besides Francois Mitterand!
Tribbles in my anus? A cockdrink to you, good sir!
Steak and eggs is what your vagina looks like,
There between the sawdust filth that is your undercarriage,
Abandon all popes, Gentiles. Tickle my pimp hat, mom.
Inside Wilford Brimley's mouth there's simply another Wilform Brimley.
No entiendo the poem? Read it again, chumley.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:37:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
mine peenar!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:25:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
a gust of wind? so what she farted on your dick?
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:12:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shut up Jaypig, you fat heap of shit.
Your fucking "alter project" is sad and depressing.
Kill yourself, loser.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
the_bad_story_teller
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This was so fantasy, and never would happen to a big loser like you.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:55:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You can edit, add paragraphs, change the whole fucking story if you want. That does not make this better. Give up.
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:54:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're a pussy.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:47:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
STRIKE TWO
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:47:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
tiger those thoughts and food just do not mix mmmkay!
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you might be right Cyst
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:46:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It would've worked in the butt if she had a tampon in. Food for thought.
Not like I'd know or anything.
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:45:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:43:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
it'd be cool if we got invaded by female aliens that had to have anal twice a day to survive
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It would only be cool if they had to give it to US!
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
zzz
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it'd be cool if we got invaded by female aliens that had to have anal twice a day to survive