A Boy Named Minus Two (1256 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: songs
Rating: 1.85 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Orgasmatron (View user info) at 2006-05-05 12:01:05 EDT
Well I wrote my first post the other day
And though I expected to see 'what the gay?'
I figured "why not, man, what've I got to lose?"
Then a user dropped in and he rated me
There before my eyes, all plain to see,
Was the thing he left - a goddamn minus two.
Well he must'a thought that it was quite a joke
And it got a lot of laughs from a'lots of folks,
It seems my post had earned a grim debut;
Some gal twonami'd and I got vexed
I even saw "halo thar buttsecks"
I tell ya, life ain't easy when you're minus two'd.
Well I'd reply fast every time they'd rate,
I tried to fight back against the hate,
But it just egged them on and fanned the flames,
So I made a vow to the moon and sun
I'd scroll down to where it'd all begun
And find that man who brought my post all this shame.
Well I tracked him down to his latest post
An' I watched him banter and watched him bost,
I couldn't understand the crowd he drew,
For his posts were funny, sure, but plain,
And he'd clearly built himself a name,
But I said 'fuck it' and knew what I must do.
Well I went to rate and I saw the screen
And I keyed my entry, though I knew it mean,
I called his mom hairy and wished for cum in his eye,
Then my mouse clicked 'Rank' and I sat enraged
And I read the words posted on the page
They said: "'Minus two noob?' What did I do?? Now MINUS TWO DIE!"
Yeah, that's what I told him.
Well I two'd him hard on his Bored at Works
Killed his +2 streaks, I was such a jerk,
But then he replied and he told me to get the ghey AIDS,
So I referenced all of his uber cliques
Then he wrote back and poked fun at my little dick
On and on we went in a flamewar for most of the day.
I tell ya, I've fought tougher men
But I really can't remember when,
Maybe back when I wrote on those forums for D&D,
I saw him *LOL* and smile
He wrote me an email after a while
And these were the words the user sent to me
He said "This site, it is rough
And if a man's gotta make it he's gotta be tough
And I knew your skin was thinner'n the hair on Shlongy's brow,
So I gave ya that two and I said goodbye
I knew you'd have to get tough or die,
And it's that rating that'll help you grow up now."
"Now you just fought one hell of a fight
But I think if you hit Refresh tonight
You'll find your shitty post is heated, yes it's true,
So you ought to thank me before I go
For the hits that I just broughtcha and the fame I bestowed
'Cause I'm the son of a bitch that dropped that two."
I got all choked up and I sent him a smile
And I called him my friend and we joked for a while
And I came away with a different point of view
And I think about him and his wits
Every time I'm heated and I rake in hits
And if I ever rate a firstposter, I think I'm gonna give him
Ah fuck it, noobs deserve minus twos! I STILL HATE THAT RATING!
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-20 02:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by littledan (user info) at 2006-05-11 17:43:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking Fantastic.
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cable. It's more wonderful than I dared hope.
-- Homer Simpson
Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-08 06:53:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Johnny Cash
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-08 06:32:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic
Fucking CLASSIC!
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-05-07 19:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' awesome.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-06 00:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU n00b.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 21:52:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-05 20:57:01 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:26:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Están en el piso al lado de mi cama.
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Argh, fucking Spanish. I need to know where O man's pants are, "they are in the ??? of my ?"
==============
They are on the floor next to my bed.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-05-05 21:45:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh yeah! Orgasmatron! Oh Yeah!
JIHAD!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-05 20:57:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:26:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
Están en el piso al lado de mi cama.
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Argh, fucking Spanish. I need to know where O man's pants are, "they are in the ??? of my ?"
I failed Spanish... two times.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 17:09:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AUTO +2 Caligula shudder
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 17:03:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ok, so I did something for today's holiday after all:
"Sink-o de Mayo"
My darlin' love filled up the sink
With mayo - Hellman's Best,
A good nine jars she spilled inside
And then removed her dress,
She knelt down on our bed of white
Face down with ass suspended,
I smiled as I rolled up my sleeve
My view of her was splendid,
For there sat naked slit and crinkle
Each for me to diddle,
I'd done my wife for fourteen years,
Could play her like a fiddle,
She asked me if the time was nigh
To which I said "oh yes,"
And thrust my right hand deep inside
The pool of Hellman's Best,
The off white jelly coated me
My fingers, hands and arm
To lubricate my lovin' fist
And keep her safe from harm,
The left hand followed, close behind,
It sank with quite a slurp
And withdrew with such force and speed
It caused the sink to burp,
I saw my wife's thighs shaking
Out of hopeful expectation,
This, her favorite weekly treat,
Her mayo masturbation,
First a whip-white finger dipped
Into her pot of gold,
A second, third and then a fourth
Slobbed up inside her hole,
The thumb was always tricky
But with mayo quite an ease,
I jammed my coated hand and wrist
Right up into her steeze,
"Jesus, Harold! Man alive!"
She shuddered, "Ths is heaven!"
And that's when I cocked back my arm
And cranked it to eleven,
Caligula would be quite proud
Of my quick anal plugging,
She said when both hands moved inside
"It's almost like they're hugging!"
Intestines wrapped around one arm
Her cervix stopped the other,
Our children would be so amazed
If they could see their mother,
She came in buckets, one by one,
The white mixed with her juice,
Until, collapsed and satisfied,
She let my forearms loose,
I finished as I always did
With dinner on the bed,
I toasted bagels, then I topped
Them with her special spread.
Submitted by NerfHerder (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Plus two.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Happy cinco de Mayo!
Submitted by crsunlimited (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice use of parody. Although to be faithful to the song you should have ended it with rating noobs a 0 or +1 -1 anything but a -2.
---
And if I ever have a son, I think I'm gonna name him
Bill or George! Anything but Sue! I still hate that name!
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:19:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite humorious
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-05 16:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:57:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess she's replying to the "When the Man Comes Around" lyrics at the start of the story.
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Oh, is that Cash? I had no idea what song that was.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny title - hilarious even - but I can't + 2 you because I don't like you.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I guess she's replying to the "When the Man Comes Around" lyrics at the start of the story.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:43:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-05 14:06:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cuz i've been listening to that song OBSESSIVELY lately and you read my mind. i love freaking johnny cash in the morning. i wanna see a stripper do a routine to that song.
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WHAT'S THIS DOING ON YOUR IGKTW POST?!?! HUH, O-MAN?!?
Sucking off katy for misplaced +2s, are we?!?
Where do I sign up?
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:26:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're AWESOME!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:23:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Every day, "dear."
Every day.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-05 15:21:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:06:11 (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHHAH!!
I was about half-way down when I thought to myself, "What the hell kind of format is this? AABCCB?? It sure is difficult to get into". Then I read where you wrote, "Well you just fought one hell of a fight" and I went back and read the title. Then I read the whole thing again with a Johnny Cash accent and it was farking @wesome!
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i read this review before you post and followed suit.
nice.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-05 14:50:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
O-tron, I'm guessing you lick your bowling ball too, don't ya?
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:26:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:06:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The original was pretty good, made sense and was a pretty decent narrative. Your poetry is all over the place, most of it is awkwardly timed or worded just to rhyme. You can churn out uninteresting poetry at the drop of a hat, that minus an online rhyming dictionary will get you a bag of dirt.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-05 13:06:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AAAHAHAHHAH!!
I was about half-way down when I thought to myself, "What the hell kind of format is this? AABCCB?? It sure is difficult to get into". Then I read where you wrote, "Well you just fought one hell of a fight" and I went back and read the title. Then I read the whole thing again with a Johnny Cash accent and it was farking @wesome!
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:57:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I imagine this being sung to a tune like "Boy named Sue"
I guess that's the point
I wasn't really paying attention.
Damn I need to get laid.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:49:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKvztQBlraQ&search=football%20manager
Strangely this is exactly how I imagine Caul reacting whenever he reads a Canada hate post
---
CHAMPIONSHIP YOU'RE HAVING A LAUGH!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mKvztQBlraQ&search=football%20manager
Strangely this is exactly how I imagine Caul reacting whenever he reads a Canada hate post
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:45:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It IS cinco de mayo, why am I not drunk right now
=======================================================
Ha Ha. Unless I am forced to work this afternoon I may just do a drunk post later
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:36:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Truly.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It IS cinco de mayo, why am I not drunk right now
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:34:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mojitos and margaritas all around, neeyas.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:30:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's a Johnny Cash tune. Boy Named Sue.
===================================================
Normally I would have picked up on that Razor, but in honor of Cinco de Mayo there are Margaritas being served. Not quite noon and I have a decent buzz.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Están en el piso al lado de mi cama.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:25:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n
Spanish eh?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:24:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Donde esta mi pantalones?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-2 muerte!
Mas tequila, por favor.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:18:55 (#)
Ranking: 2
It sounds like a country song
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It's a Johnny Cash tune. Boy Named Sue.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 Johnny Cash
Submitted by dnm3 (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious. I was actually singing the fucking song with the new lyrics. good shit.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:18:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It sounds like a country song
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:17:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ole!
Submitted by kissmyarse (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the clip at the end, it totally reminds me of Grease 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:08:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody fucks with the Jesus.
Submitted by hyprspacd (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for Liam
+1 for Jesus
__
+2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:05:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bwaaaahahahahaha. Next recording project, indeed.
By the way - since you love my head shots so much - check out the post I'll drop here in a minute.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:04:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
JESUS!!!!!!!!!1111
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-05 12:01:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah fuck. It's Cinco de Mayo today.
I should have done something a bit more festive.