I'm Gonna Kill That Woman - Round 3 Matchups and Theme (2586 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.48 on 129 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stagger Lee (View user info) at 2006-05-08 04:08:41 EDT
Despite the rather chronic shortage of ratings, and a disappointing turnout, the majority of entries that were submitted were still top-notch. Well played once more. For details on competition structure and rules, see the original Round 1 post.
There were very few adjustments to be made this round. In fact, only one springs to mind: removing Jack's accidental zero from O-Tron's post. But that was easy, because without it O-Tron had a perfect 2.
The double forfeit of scourge and Sphagnum opened up a slot for a highest-rated loser once more.
Round 2 entries can be found here: http://www.ubersite.com/u/redskieslookfake/l/igktw2
Theme for this round: Racism and Loneliness.
The deadline (hah! Flexiline, rather) for this round is Thursday, 11th May 2006, 11:59 pm. Ratings close Sunday 14th May, 2006, 11:59 pm. If anyone has problems with these times, let me know and maybe we can organise it so that we don't get mass forfeits this time.
Round 3 entries will be found here: http://www.ubersite.com/u/redskieslookfake/l/igktw3
Results:
BigMike 1.95
r0fl 1.58
BigMike was just too, well, big for r0fl, overpowering him with his bare, sweaty hands. BigMike catches a ride to the next round.
badassmofo DNP
Jack_McCallum 2
Jack waited, and waited, but badass just refused to step outside and settle things. Jack advances.
CaptainThorns 1.81
Orgasmatron 2
O-Tron's Prose Revival Show continues in fine form, leaving Captain in the dust. Captain's not taking it lying down, though; he claims the highest-rated loser spot for this round. They both advance.
scourge DNP
Sphagnum DNP
Neither were available to play.
redskieslookfake 1.66
Gank 1.96
The curse of Gank the Shank, the dark horse of the competition, continues: having first disposed of the competition organiser, he showed no compunction when dealing with Ole Red.
Coyote 2
Bubba2341 Entry withdrawn
Coyote brought out a perfect entry, but sadly Bubba erred and submitted an incorrect work. He bowed out despite the offer of resubmission.
Matchups for this round, drawn once more at random:
Orgasmatron
Coyote
Jack_McCallum
Gank
BigMike
Captain Thorns
Thanks for playing. New game begins.
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-06-21 02:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like you
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-15 23:18:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Round 4 post is up. Find it yourselves.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-15 22:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Get some sun, jeez. It'll be up soon.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-15 16:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So, what you're saying is...
NOTHING?
I thought Round 4 called, but when I checked my caller ID it said, "Delay Calling". And not Tom Delay either, I'm talking about Hesitation's flatmate.
I hope to god that I don't get a text message from Incompetence.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-15 11:40:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:36:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll email him Thorny. I've not spoken to him much recently. It is just possible that his real life intruded on him. OR (and this is the theory I favour) a snake/spider/shark nobbled him. Australia - land of surprises.
------------------------
Yes...PERHAPS A DINGO ATE HIS BABY?!?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:52:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah the stern Lady Licious, laying the smack down, so to speak.
Both firm and just. We should elect her the new Queen of Uber and all the little Ubernauts can do her biddings.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:49:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:38:25 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:47:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n LOOK! LOOK!
One of the most disgustingly wonderful things I've seen in quite a while...
---
I never get tired of this
==========
I DO.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:47:31 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-05 11:25:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n LOOK! LOOK!
One of the most disgustingly wonderful things I've seen in quite a while...
---
I never get tired of this
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll email him Thorny. I've not spoken to him much recently. It is just possible that his real life intruded on him. OR (and this is the theory I favour) a snake/spider/shark nobbled him. Australia - land of surprises.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-15 09:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Stag/Skies - where's the Round 3 summary, and Round 4 post?
I WANT MY NEXT ASSIGNMENT DAMNIT!!!
Thank you kindly. :)
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-15 08:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No apologies needed Mikey. Life comes first...and Uber is for spare time. Looking forward to seeing your follow-up to Abby's will...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-05-13 23:35:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-12 22:25:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:14:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:38:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really sad that my crap post is going to beat BigMike on account of a forfeit from him. I was looking forward to getting slaughtered by his blues mastery...honest, really I was.
Granted, we've all been pretty flexible the first two rounds, but exempting some sort of family emergency, is it safe to say that this extreme lateness won't slide for the final two rounds, fellow contestants? Your thoughts? Just my two cents...
Annnnd this would mark my third bye in the contest. Holy crap. I will be very, very sad if I win this comp on account of forfeits. :(
--------------------
Actually, Thorns, seeing as you submitted, you can grant BigMike any extension you like up until the ratings close on Sunday.
============================
Let's say up till 11:59PM EDT tonight. BigMike - you out there?
Yeah, I'm finally here. No post because I just didn't get a chance to use the computer for a long period of time. I was very busy supplying the gift of sight to some very needy kids. I will post a follow up to Abigail's Will and I will even use the supplied theme. I just don't have time to do it now. I'm sorry about that but some things are just more important.
I apologize for not submitting on time. I usually like to stick to my commitments.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-12 22:25:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:14:16 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:38:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really sad that my crap post is going to beat BigMike on account of a forfeit from him. I was looking forward to getting slaughtered by his blues mastery...honest, really I was.
Granted, we've all been pretty flexible the first two rounds, but exempting some sort of family emergency, is it safe to say that this extreme lateness won't slide for the final two rounds, fellow contestants? Your thoughts? Just my two cents...
Annnnd this would mark my third bye in the contest. Holy crap. I will be very, very sad if I win this comp on account of forfeits. :(
--------------------
Actually, Thorns, seeing as you submitted, you can grant BigMike any extension you like up until the ratings close on Sunday.
============================
Let's say up till 11:59PM EDT tonight. BigMike - you out there?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-12 20:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is sorta blues related....
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87894
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Coleslaw -
Kinda.
http://www.ubersite.com/m/82655
and
http://www.ubersite.com/m/86151
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
O-tron, I thought you had submitted prose once before, but then I looked back and couldn't find it.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:08:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So I guess this is where I bow out of the competition, regardless of how the standings go?
As mentioned a month or so ago, I'm out of town from tomorrow until 5/19.
Even if I made it to the finals - which, if the voting were to end today, I wouldn't - I would miss the posting deadline next week.
Great idea for a comp, Stag. It has the honor of being 'the cradle of Orgasmaprose.'
Good stories, everyone.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:03:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OK Gank. I just read yours. I liked some of the songs, so that's a plus, but I didn't feel much of a connect with the character, and thre idn't seem to be a whole lot happening. Not that theer should have been explosions and ninjas and shit, but still.
I'd give it a 0.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ohgankyoumotherfuckeryoucuntyousonofabitchoooohgawdaammit...
Yeah. When I saw the theme this time I nearly shit. The work I did on Regrets took about 20 minutes. It was like taking the perfect shit. It came out easy, clean, and fully formed. So this round I just went with the first thing that came to mind.
Also, I'm dickering with about 3 or 4 series (I'll be posting a LONG chapter 6 of Redemption Road today), so my head's all over the place.
Happy Friday, man.
Unless you are Stagger and it's already Monday or some crazy-ass ass-end of the world shit.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, I'm going to rate your post right here, so that it doesn't count.
And you know what I've said about your 1st two rounds. Both +2s. Your 1st entry is the best I've read so far.
0.5 - I didn't like it so much. It seems like you mailed it in a bit - espec. with your mentioning that you already wrote a post better.
It's your turn.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:14:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:38:23 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really sad that my crap post is going to beat BigMike on account of a forfeit from him. I was looking forward to getting slaughtered by his blues mastery...honest, really I was.
Granted, we've all been pretty flexible the first two rounds, but exempting some sort of family emergency, is it safe to say that this extreme lateness won't slide for the final two rounds, fellow contestants? Your thoughts? Just my two cents...
Annnnd this would mark my third bye in the contest. Holy crap. I will be very, very sad if I win this comp on account of forfeits. :(
--------------------
Actually, Thorns, seeing as you submitted, you can grant BigMike any extension you like up until the ratings close on Sunday.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 17:41:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yes, I said eight. Should end up around ten or eleven. Fucking hell, man, these characters are taking on a life of their own.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 17:41:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/redskieslookfake/l/igktw3
Orgasmatron - The Ballad of Red, Beans & Rice: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87811
Coyote - Nothing Like the Sun: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87782
Jack_McCallum - Forty Yards Down: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87726
Gank - Delta Jones, a Day in the Life: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87776
BigMike - DNP (?)
Captain Thorns - Justice: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87803
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 17:40:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll Jack on your face
you'll choke on my paste
you're my bitch and a fool
get yo ass back to school
--
Okay. That was disgusting.
Stop interrupting me, damn it. I'm on page eight (Eight? Holy motherfucker!) of Redemption Road, Chapter 6. No end in sight, for the road, for that chapter either. Was gonna post today. So much for that dream.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-11 16:18:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually, the "zone, chrome, and on" is a Redman lyric.
You sayin' Redman can't rhyme? Sheeit. You betta git creative wit how you say "on".
----
Put down yo' hand lil fool,
And wait yo' turn,
You wanna match in my school?
Boy, you'll get burned,
Don't even try and act,
Like you got facts,
Else I'mma call you "Jack",
'cause you'll git jacked.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:48:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:20:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
I know muthafuckas ain't tryin' to step in my zone. I grab my chrome, and I'm like, "Yo, it's on!"
--
zone... chrome... ON?
Nigga can't rhyme
Stick with crime, small-time
It's mo'yo' speed
cause you weak-kneed
lilly-livered
get yo' shit delivered
'stead of fightin' fo' a piece
spillin' blood, usin' grease
ain't that the word, the gospel, the truth
fuck this shit, ah'ma cravin' a Baby Ruth.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know muthafuckas ain't tryin' to step in my zone. I grab my chrome, and I'm like, "Yo, it's on!"
---
Your views will get ya quick shot
In your back column
And Blues will turn to Hip Hop
Unless you act solemn
Or choose to be in tip top
Form, Jack McCallum
Otherwise, I'mma have to
spank your black bottom.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 15:00:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I cannot restrain myself any longer and simply must enquire...
Who the fuck is this 'Gank' character?
Actin' all uppity like he belongs an' shit.
Sheeeit.
High-steppin mu'fuckah needs the black slapped off his ass!
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 14:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:46:08 (#)
Ranking: 2
I blame the submission deadlines, really.
Stupid Australians and their 'different time zones.'
--
Funny-talkin sheep-herdin sons o' bitches.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-11 14:09:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jack, YOU STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY POST, you hear?
That's MY post.
There better not be a SINGLE HIT from you on it!
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?
HUH?
I'm not insecure, dammit!
I'm not, I swear.
[unless you're going to +2 it] <-- not at all an insecure statement
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:46:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I blame the submission deadlines, really.
Stupid Australians and their 'different time zones.'
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 13:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am really sad that my crap post is going to beat BigMike on account of a forfeit from him. I was looking forward to getting slaughtered by his blues mastery...honest, really I was.
Granted, we've all been pretty flexible the first two rounds, but exempting some sort of family emergency, is it safe to say that this extreme lateness won't slide for the final two rounds, fellow contestants? Your thoughts? Just my two cents...
Annnnd this would mark my third bye in the contest. Holy crap. I will be very, very sad if I win this comp on account of forfeits. :(
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 12:19:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Man, this place is dead anyway."
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boy, it's dead in the water here.
Guess I'll go see what's happening with the gang rolling down Redemption Road.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Attention Gank -
Since our competing ratings are so close one minute to the next I'm gonna hold off reading and rating your tale until later. I wouldn't want to be the one who shitcanned you if I felt it was less than +2-worthy.
Not that I'm implying it would be.
Stop looking at me like that.
You are one insecure motherfucker, you know that?
Fuck me? No, fuck YOU, asshole!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87811
I could have written a story if I'd been up last night. This whole 'prose' thing was kind of fun.
As it stands you get a loose, craptastic poem. Wee.
It wasn't until I'd keyed about half of it off of the paper I'd written it on that, basically, Bubba'd told a similar tale (in essence) and told it much, much better.
Stupid Sam Adams putting me to sleep. Why do Red Sox/Yankees games drive me to drink?
Oh, right. Because the Sox lost.
Fuckers.
Like I need to see that purple lipped bastard hit another home run.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:41:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, after posting my puny round 3 entry, I realized what I *should* have written about: the time I was going out with a mulatto girl in high school and got all sorts of flak for it.
Why is it all the good ideas come AFTER the Submit button is pressed?
*sigh*
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:12:29 (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:06:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I'm three for three with this whole 'being late' thing.
I fell asleep last night after Lost and, thus, didn't write a story. So I wrote out a quick poem this morning before work and I'm now typing it out in Word to post here. It should be up momentarily.
______________________________________________
"It should be up momentarily."
That's what I always tell 'em. .
======================================
Personally, I always tell 'em "Good luck getting it down, 'cause it's always up." :)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:12:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:06:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I'm three for three with this whole 'being late' thing.
I fell asleep last night after Lost and, thus, didn't write a story. So I wrote out a quick poem this morning before work and I'm now typing it out in Word to post here. It should be up momentarily.
______________________________________________
"It should be up momentarily."
That's what I always tell 'em. . .
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. I'm three for three with this whole 'being late' thing.
I fell asleep last night after Lost and, thus, didn't write a story. So I wrote out a quick poem this morning before work and I'm now typing it out in Word to post here. It should be up momentarily.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Round 3 - Justice: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87803
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-11 09:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deadlines and deadlights
Posting at midnight
Writing some shit 'bout the Blues
Pull out the gee-tar
crank up the wet bar
Plaster yourself with some booze
You paste and you post
You give it your most
You take all the time and the trubba
But open your eyes
Stop touching your thighs
And don't be a fuckup like Bubba.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-11 08:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, less than three hours to go and I *still* haven't started.
Crap.
I'll push to ignore my work here and make the deadline...seeing as 3 out of the 6 of us were kind enough to meet it so far.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-11 06:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have found myself bitter and twisted this round. I shall require astonishing work to get a Red +2 this round.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-11 00:51:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87657#1968804
Hahaha, like I was ever actually offended. Relax, guy.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-11 00:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My entry: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87782
Shake up the picture the lizard mixture
With your dance on the eventide
You got me coming up with answers
All of which I deny.
I said it again but could I please re-phrase it
Maybe I can catch a ride
I couldn't really put it much plainer
But I'll wait till you decide
Send me your warning siren
As if I could ever hide
Last time la luna,
I light my torch and wave it for the...
New moon on monday
And a firedance through the night
I stayed the cold day with a lonely satellite
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-10 23:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hah, I copied and pasted it out of a Word doc, I write everything in word first (except reviews, of course).
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-10 23:48:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's something dumb. I can only get that extended hyphen (in between IGKTW and Round 3 in my latest entry) if I copy and paste it from the original Round 1 contest post.
I know it's probably just a different ASCII character than the normal hyphen on the keyboard, but I haven't found it on my own. Stagger, where'd you get it?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-10 23:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Round 3: Racism and Loneliness
Orgasmatron
Coyote
Jack_McCallum http://www.ubersite.com/m/87726
Gank http://www.ubersite.com/m/87776
BigMike
Captain Thorns
Aaaand the first two outta the blocks are in fact competing, whee.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-10 23:35:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm sorry to say I read every single one of those poems, O-Tron. Goddamn.
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-10 22:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Delta Jones wants to say "hi": http://www.ubersite.com/m/87776 .
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:16:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Isn't there a law or something against retards serving food to the public?"
"Well, if there ain't there sure oughta be. Who knows what goes on inside a mongoloids mind?"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:18:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Camptown Races"
My phone will not be answered
My phone will be denied
It will ring a song of sixpence
And bling bling alkaline
If I don't know your number
Then don't expect my voice
I'll call you if you're wanted
If not, wash my Rolls Royce
And pick me up some butter
If you're going to the store
I rubbed my hangdown yesterday
And now my hangdown's sore
I will dance the dance of butter
Add cocoa to its stick
And use that grim concoction
To lubricate my
Anyway
Thick is the way I like my shakes
I like them triple-timed
I want to eat your cherry, babe
With tequila, salt and lime
I want to grip a double shot
From 'tween your dirty pillows
You'll hold the suitcases tonight
I'll watch your britches billow
But please don't try to call me
I don't want static cling
You know, bitch, I don't love you
You'll never wear my ring
I'll fill you full of sauce and skeet
And send you on your way
Like a Filipino hooker
after MacArthur went away
No more shall we part, dear
But no more shall we dance
The dirty mambo that we make
When we're in our underpants
I told you I raced cars, babe
But now you know that's false
I lied to floss your teeth with my mule
And paint you with my sauce
Rembrandt on his greatest day
Could never match my stroke
My brush is full and mighty
My canvas hates Cherry Coke
Run along now, bump'n'grind
Before I call the cops
See to it that you never call again
Or else I'll bust your chops
It occurred to me once the dealing was done
And all the pancakes flipped
That I don't like butter, but I love syrup
And you were bad news from the beginning
Like the constipated gray of newsprint on the New York Times
telling me what I don't want to hear
Had you lost weight we may have had something
But most of all, I realized
Your box is overflowing with feces and
gristle from meat long since grilled
And I cannot stomach either
Smell you later
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
did I win round 2?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"In Inari"
I'm as lonely as a cloud
Floating over a gangbang
Welcome to Bukkaketown
Population: You
Welcome to DP-Ville
Population: Two
Two in the seat
That's quite a lot of meat
For such a little boat
Will you ever stay afloat?
You'd be a holy roller
If it weren't for the porn
Like a hippo in a grocery store
You draw the public's scorn
You, my little geisha
My harlot, my milkshake tramp
It's as if I'm in a wheelchair
And you're my obligated-by-law-or-else-someone-pays-a-fine ramp
So kick my handicapped legs
For they'll feel no pain
And let my cloud drift by
Today I'll bring no rain
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:02:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"United Colors of Benneton"
Big bad bop bag
Ten miles wide
Too small for heaven
To big for thighs
Who can hold a bop bag
So massive and so huge?
Who can tame my bop bag?
Could it, perchance, be you?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:00:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Domestic Domestic"
Keep your griddle cakes off of my counter
Keep your shoelaces off of my hardwood
Keep your D-cup off of my evening news
And, for the love,
Keep your fucking hands off of my pie
You've been eyeing my puff pastry for too long
And we both know that I'm on to you
I'm deliriously serious about you keeping your distance
Before I face-stab you to the wall
And the authorities have to come by
Again
I can't spend another night in handcuffs
And you can't lose another eye
So just sit back and crochet, darlin'
Unless you want to die.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:57:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
before tomorrow's due date.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:57:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so that it regains its seat on heated
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
and heats this bitch up
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:57:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
until someone else comes
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:56:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shitty poetry
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:56:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will keep posting
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:56:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I swear
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:48:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Palisades, the Marble Arch,
The Taj Mahal, the Waffle House
These are but places to me
And to me they are indifferent
But then, there are times
Oh there are times
When I rock out with my cock out to a revolution'ry rhyme
When I spit on my hands, and lay them on your booty-ho
When I call you by name and order you to come
Out of the tomb, I mean
I'll knock you off your horse with my man-lightning
And bring you pause as you tremble before my presence
And my Mighty Mouse speedo
Do you see my striped shirt!
Do you see my smuggled grapes?
Peek-a-boo
They see you
I'll give you the healing only St. Paul knew about
Eyesight to the blind, like Clapton said
Oh I'll give you eyesight baby
I'll pull the curtains up
Not too hard, or else they'll break
whap whap whap whap whap whap whap whap
You'll see the line, you'll see true
You'll see when I skeet skeet skeet
All over you
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I call this one:
Yum Yum Bubble Gum, Blow Me on a Bus
I roll up in your chocolate moose
So hard and so deep
The antlers stink with musty glory
Those nostrils flaring like a rash
I'm all over this bitch
My money situation is lacking
But in my pants I am packing
A meaty flesh surprise that is
Stone Cold guaranteed
To blow your mind
I'm an icy smooth operator
A chunk peanut-buttery bad ass mofo
Spread me across your buns
By buns I mean your butt
Bitch this ride ain't free
You gots to pay for a taste of my sweet yum-yum
Yum Yum Bubble gum
I command you to obey
Use Metamucil every day
It tastes like shit
But if you don't drink it
You'll get cancer and die
Die.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:31:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH, and for Orgasmatron to post his entry.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here's something shitty I wrote last year.
The only thing worse than this will be my post for this round.
forget me, forget me not, forget me
i ran off with your dog-eared copy of Tuesdays With Morrie
and ate all the cookies you had in the jar
but what of it?
who could blame me?
you imported me here from Moscow
paid all the taxes and fees
and I married you, wearing that ridiculous get-up you put me in.
had I known I'd be moving to Iowa I'd have never left the petrol factory in Russia.
at least there the men were rough but considerate.
and lunch was served without a hearty helping of corn.
yeah, i put sugar in your tractor's gas tank.
so sorry you won't be able to race Cletus in this weekend's showdown.
my bad, dog.
(nevermind how i became so fluent in english. it's a russian secret. like greek fire, but not fire. and not greek.)
i've grown tired of your showering
don't you know we like our men ripe and smelling of turnip and radish?
you picked me out of a catalogue, now i get to pick your bones.
believe me, this is cheaper than a divorce.
i will steal your cat and hold it hostage until you pay my half of the electric bill.
then, we're square.
i'd gladly trade a lifetime of your country music for one song by Autograph.
Autograph fucking rules.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:26:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ew. That was too squishy.
I want a bubble gum cigar in the worst way. Or a circus peanut. Or some play doh.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who else wants them to bring back Bazooka Joe in a tube?
Hmm?
Hmm?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's a lie.
I'm taking my pants off and getting this thing back on heated.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:18:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fin
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girls, Girls, Girls
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Asian Girls Sure Can Get Down
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Get down, get down, little Henry Lee, and stay all night with me."
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:15:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
John Henry
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:15:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
John Denver
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:14:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:13:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Me and My Winston, We Got a Real Good Thing"
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fire Walk With Me
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:13:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man on Fire
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hoo-chie Coo-chie Man
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Horton Hears a Hoo
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Reverend Horton Heat.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-10 15:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heat.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-10 08:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Since Jack forgot to link his story, I'll do it for him: http://www.ubersite.com/m/87726
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:56:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:24:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
racism and loneliness? Aw, fuck.
"It is a truism that no man is an island; however, those who espouse this worldview have never met Rodney Washington. In point of fact, no one has met Rodney Washington, for he alone in all the world is an island: because of the color of his skin, Rodney Washington has been forced to spend his entire life disguised as the small atoll of Rongelap in the North Pacific Ocean."
____________
HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA
That right there is why I'm betting $10 Coyote's going to win.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-09 08:13:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:28:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 16:47:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one who hasn't started writing yet?
I haven't started yet. I might not be able to get to this. I'm going to try like hell though. I'm interested in what might happen to my character. I'm not quite sure yet, but it'll come to me.
--------------
I haven't started yet either. Damn work...
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 16:47:05 (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one who hasn't started writing yet?
I haven't started yet. I might not be able to get to this. I'm going to try like hell though. I'm interested in what might happen to my character. I'm not quite sure yet, but it'll come to me.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-09 00:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Badass, ole son, that comp would be a good idea, and I'd be in if I wasn't going away real soon.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-08 21:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-08 19:58:56 (#)
Ranking: 2
Coyote for the win.
______________________________________
Coyote has a good chance. But then so do Jack Mac, O-man, BigMike, and damn near
everyone else left in the comp. This should be very good. I'm still pissed that
I fucked up. *slaps self in head*
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-08 19:58:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Coyote for the win.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-08 19:32:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:24:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
Waitaminnit....
My muse just whispered long and soft in my ear...
She used her tongue, too, and it gave me a hard-on and the shivers.
Oh yeah, baby.
___________________________________________________________________
Does yer muse take side jobs?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 16:47:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Am I the only one who hasn't started writing yet?
Fuckin work, man.
It really cuts into your fun time during the week.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:24:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Waitaminnit....
My muse just whispered long and soft in my ear...
She used her tongue, too, and it gave me a hard-on and the shivers.
Oh yeah, baby.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hours later, and I still got nothin.
Fuck.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 13:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy cow. I know what I'm gonna write about for Round 3:
Coca-Cola Blak.
Just took my first swig and good God is it awful. Like drinking cold, carbonated coffee.
I'd rather eat out Tyteesha in my office after a week of her not bathing before drinking this crap again.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:46:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:18:42 (#)
Ranking: 2
2.0 this round, 1.99 the last?
WHY DIDN'T I THROW POETRY OUT THE WINDOW MONTHS AGO?
-----------------------------------------------------
I should've DQed you for your late entry when I had the chance. <wink>
Just joshin' ya; all kidding aside, you rock at prose almost as hard as poetry.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:18:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
2.0 this round, 1.99 the last?
WHY DIDN'T I THROW POETRY OUT THE WINDOW MONTHS AGO?
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2006-05-08 11:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh Stagger, you fucker.
I blew my wad on THE PERFECT story for those themes last year, right here...
http://www.ubersite.com/m/71787
Nuts.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-05-08 11:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry about the last round folks. It was beyond my control.
Have some rating thing and a hit Stagger.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 11:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:24:07 (#)
Ranking: 2
racism and loneliness? Aw, fuck.
---------------------------------
My sentiments exactly, being as I used my racism story in round 2.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:40:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://dsc.discovery.com/news/media/fetalcryingvideo.html
A little unsettling.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
racism and loneliness? Aw, fuck.
"It is a truism that no man is an island; however, those who espouse this worldview have never met Rodney Washington. In point of fact, no one has met Rodney Washington, for he alone in all the world is an island: because of the color of his skin, Rodney Washington has been forced to spend his entire life disguised as the small atoll of Rongelap in the North Pacific Ocean."
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was such a good idea for a contest. i wish i had played.
o well.
looks like i have a lot of reading to go back and do.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 09:12:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy crap. I did *NOT* expect to make it to Round 3.
Now I'd better get my ass moving at work and finish these damn audits today so I can spend tomorrow and Wednesday writing my story if I want any hell's chance of beating Mike.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-08 08:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now the 'fun' begins. I'm heading out of town two days before the rating deadline, so I'm not exactly sure how I'm going to find out if I advanced and, if so, what the theme is and when the next round's stories are due by. I'll be back on May 19.
I'm going to assume that, with the ratings closing on the 13th or 14th that the Round 4 love will be due before the 19th. Not sure how you'd want to go about it if I made it to the next round (not assuming I will or anything...just speculating for the sake of argument).
Blah.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:50:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:55:06 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't sleep very well, and if I'm not happy I don't see why anyone else should be.
=========
AGREED.
I was confused about rating deadline (also read: drinking all weekend) and didn't get to rate them all. I will read and rate anyway 'cause I wouldnt miss these stories.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:22:44 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:07:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy tinyurled my link to aid in the delivery of the payload. If you look around on Rad's latest tattoo post you can see a horde of outraged and distraught uberers who innocently clicked on my link, only for their eyes to be seared just seconds prior to the bile rising in their throat.
---
Said bile is in a bucket festering and being lovingly cared for until the day I meet you, when it will then be dumped all over your fucking face.
---
You really need to put it in a bowl. A spoon is the best method of moving such foulness.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:25:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry bout the last round folks, sometimes life is inevitable.
Besides, between me and you Jack, we both know what would have happened and who am I to smack around a retired old UberLord.
On another note, we should have a contest focused around fables, perhaps with a modern tinge on them. Say like using the banana and the beaver to teach a lesson about how to spot a hermaphrodite...or something like that.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:22:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:07:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy tinyurled my link to aid in the delivery of the payload. If you look around on Rad's latest tattoo post you can see a horde of outraged and distraught uberers who innocently clicked on my link, only for their eyes to be seared just seconds prior to the bile rising in their throat.
---
Said bile is in a bucket fetering and being lovingly cared for until the day I meet you, when it will then be dumped all over your fucking face.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He called me a cunt too recently actually. It made my list of vengeance Davros' tyranny has gone on long enough. The evil overlord of the Daleks must be stopped. We'll use cardboard to fashion a faux Dalek case, slip it over Berty and his wheelchair so he'll fit in and then remote detonate Bertros once he has infiltrated the smooth floored lair of the evil one. It is a just cause.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hearby nominate Dervel as primus inter pares. Lead us into the promised land Dervel. REVOLUTION!
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-08 06:59:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Davros called me "a cunt".
How distressing.
Talking of distress, top tip:
Practise pulling the duvet off of your bed by subtly wriggling your feet.
Take the missus to go see "An American Haunting".
Put your new found skill into action later that night.
This can yield very high rewards.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-05-08 06:23:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ewwww! Too many mistakes.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-05-08 06:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hung my round 2 entry on the clothesline so that I could make sure the ink dried correctly and there was no smudging to make it difficult to read. I'll never make that mistake again...
At around 3 am the night before entries closed, a group of bastard Penguins snuck over the back fence and started raping my poodle. Poor Betsy, she only has 2 legs so that penguins just raped and raped until they were spent. Betsy tried to run but one of the penguins had her tail clamped firmly between it's Razor-sharp jaws.
Finally, the Penguins got bored with Betsy and decided to move on. Before they did, they all decided that they were going to leave their mark and all proceeded to take a dump on poor little Betsy, before they left.
With nowhere safe close by for them to wash there asses and a distinct lack of leaves or ultra-soft toilet paper in the area, the fucking bastards decided to use my round 2 entry to clean themselves up.
I'm sure you can all imagine my surprise and subsequent sorrow when I saw the scene in my backyard the following morning.
Betsy was replacable, my story was not.
I'll get thos Penguins. Next time. I will!
True story.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:56:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No hiding place for those piggies either eh Dervel? How is your quite enormous adam's apple today? Dervel is the only man on uber who needs two scarves to keep his larynx warm and protected in the winter. Even G-Prime only needs one.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:47:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will try to read some more of these.
Pay no attention to that Derkel charecter, he dissapears randomly and only returns to insult people.
Plus he's a cunt.
-Dave
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:45:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's actually true. It's a well documented regional ailment known as fennel-vision.
However, as senses compensate, I can smell a turnip from over a dozen hectares.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:24:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dervel, is it true that the absence of any contours in Norwich has resulted in your eyes not being able to recognise vertical objects?
I am too lethargic to even interweb mock properly today.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:15:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:11:43 (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just eaten some pastry thingy - with pecans and what could be treacle in it. It looked like a strudel. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not.
Yes, I am going to be random all day.
---
Joy of joys. You're so amusing when you do that.
No, really.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:11:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've just eaten some pastry thingy - with pecans and what could be treacle in it. It looked like a strudel. I'm not sure if I enjoyed it or not.
Yes, I am going to be random all day.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:07:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Phuzzy tinyurled my link to aid in the delivery of the payload. If you look around on Rad's latest tattoo post you can see a horde of outraged and distraught uberers who innocently clicked on my link, only for their eyes to be seared just seconds prior to the bile rising in their throat.
Why is it cold here?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-08 05:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:52:53 (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm such a trendsetter...
--------
....you are?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:59:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Let it be known that The Ordinary Boys are a bunch of no-talent hacks. Stop nicking Madness songs, Hard Fi themes and Busta Bloodvessel stylings. I know what you're doing. Fucking pricks.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:55:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't sleep very well, and if I'm not happy I don't see why anyone else should be.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:52:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm such a trendsetter...
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:36:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://tinyurl.com/l4h9n I still enjoy this.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-08 04:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I enjoyed this competition - and will continue to enjoy the next round's entries. However, now that you bastards have booted me out - let it be known that I will be accepting paypal donations for my ratings...
Enough money to buy me a pint of fine Englishe Beere will earn you a +2.