The Blowjob Shack (2100 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.68 on 29 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by The Cyst Master (View user info) at 2006-05-08 07:35:44 EDT
I fell asleep. I had a dream but I couldn't remember it. When I woke up my stomach was covered with semen. I don't know if it was mine or someone else's. Either way I win.
That happens a lot. Mostly the not remembering any dreams, but sometimes the semen part too. I hate it more than anything in the world. I would rather have the clap than not remember a dream.
But there was this one time. I had a bizarre dream, I woke up, and I remembered everything, right down to those minute details. I replayed the whole reverie in my head trying to associate it with my real life. Nothing. Son of a bits!
I finally decided to mosey on over to EchoBoxing's house. His sister was there for the weekend and coincidently is a psychoanalyst. Echo suggested I tell her my dream to try and figure out exactly what this mess of an unconscious state actually meant. She sees a lot of this fucked up shit with her patients.
I don't think I need a therapist.
This is how the dream went...
Wijormiclat, EchoBoxing, and I were in a dark factory/warehouse/steel mill-like place with the Terminator.
We were running through the place, showers of sparks raining down on us, the clanging of pipes, and the hiss of steam filled the air. We stopped in front of a giant metal door. I stared up and down the door in confusion. What the hell did the Terminator want me to do?
Out of the sparks and darkness came the female Terminator thing, the T-X. She looked hot. But man was she pissed off about something! Pfffft. Chicks.
The Terminator turned to the three of us and said,
-"You haaaave to git oot ov heeere." In an Austrian accent.
I turned to him and said,
-"What are we supposed to do?"
He opened the metal door and low and behold, a giant used car lot, filled with brown station wagons sat in front of us. He pointed to the cars and said,
-"Git uh caaaar and git away from heeere."
In a peculiarly similar Bosh Man fashion, the three of us nodded in agreement, sprinted out to the car lot and got into the fourth car in the fourth row. The keys were already in the ignition, shweet, and we peeled out as we drove away.
The sky was dark and the road was wet, but there were no clouds in the sky. As we drove down the road, it reminded me of the north-central New Jersey area, except completely filled with tool sheds. For miles and miles, both sides of the road were covered with brand new, blue, red, tan, grey, etc. colored tool sheds. A sea of tool sheds on either side of the road, and none of us seemed surprised or confused about it.
I turned to Wijormiclat and asked,
-"What is the Terminator going to do?"
-"Oh, don't worry, man. When he's done he'll just rent one of those cars and meet up with us."
I didn't even question it.
As I drove, we approached a shed with a large neon sign attached to the roof. Its reddish orange glow illuminated the side of the road.
I slowed the car and we read the sign:
"BLOWJOBS $0.99"
The car came to a screeching halt.
I turned my head to Wijormiclat and Echo,
-"Let's get some blowjobs."
The car drew silent for a moment then was filled with,
-"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! YEAH!"
And the chant of,
-"BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS! BLOWJOBS!"
I pulled the car into the parking lot, which was packed. We exited the vehicle and approached an old, grizzly, leather faced man with white hair, standing at a podium. The area was very reminiscent of a carnival entrance, with a counting spinner walk-through thing and a giant banner above the entrance that read, "SEX BLOWJOB SHACK SEX."
I walked straight up to the guy and before I could say anything, he boomed in a southern hick accent,
-"Blowjobs are on sale today boys! Only 96 cents!"
Wijormiclat slapped me on the back and said,
-"It's our lucky day!"
The man punched some buttons on an old fashioned cash register. The register clicked and clacked, then cha-chinged, and oddly enough made a farting noise, then whistled and faded to silence.
-"Well, that will be 99 cents, sonny, with tax."
I didn't argue. I handed the man a dollar. I didn't get any change. Instead he gave me a slip of paper with the number 72 on it. I walked through the gate.
On the other side was a giant movie theater with porn playing on the screen. Sporadic placement of old naked men and children wearing business suits in the seats watching porn made me wonder if this was a good idea. Wijormiclat and Echo came up behind me and pointed to three open seats on our left. We sat down.
Wijormiclat leaned over to me and asked,
-"What number did you get?"
-"72."
-"Bitch! I got 4!"
Echo chimed in,
-"I got 23" in a strangely erotic tone.
My heart dropped. What the hell? I didn't want those fucks getting a blow job before me! Not fair dude.
Just then, a sweet female voice came across an intercom imbedded in the back of the seats right in front of us,
-"Mr. Cyst, we are ready for you."
No joke, I dream in my pen name. Weird.
I walked towards the front of the theater and went through the exit door under the screen. You know. That door at the front that you never go to, unless you're that guy that hates waiting in line to leave the theater after the movie so you go through that one and it spits you out on the other side of the building and you have to walk four blocks to get back to your car. Yeah, that door.
I walked into a bright white room. It looked like the waiting room at a doctor's office. To my right were five chairs and a coffee table, with no magazines. To my left was a desk that came up to about chest level with a middle-aged woman in a nurse's outfit standing patiently behind it. I walked up to the desk and said,
-"Hi, they just called me in..."
The woman's kind face turned sour as she cocked her head to the side and said,
-"Take this binder, sit at that table and pick what you want." as she tossed a white binder at me and gave me the "shoo" motion with her hand towards a white table next to the desk.
I sat down at the round table off to the side and opened the binder. The first page was filled with pictures of women's lips and mouths. The next page had pictures of belly buttons and stomachs. I assumed I had to pick the body parts I liked to make my perfect woman. It made sense that way, I guess.
Just then, I heard a door open in front of me. An Asian man walked out of the door, smiling and sweating. His shirt was half tucked into his pants and his comb-over was feathered in all directions. He turned around to the dark room behind him and waved as he mumbled, "...thank you..."
As he passed me, an Asian woman, wearing a flower dress carrying a camera around her neck followed from behind, out of the room. Behind her, a small Asian girl carrying a video recorder and then another Asian girl with a boom mic exited the room. The first little girl said,
-"You were awesome, Daddy!"
Then the woman said,
-"Yes, honey. You made us proud." As she wrapped her arm around his shoulders and kissed his cheek.
I paused from my exploration of the binder. So, this Asian guy just boned some bitch and his family documented it? Nothing unusual. Back to the binder.
Just then my attention was drawn to the woman at the desk as she slapped her hand on the counter and yelled,
-"Hurry up! Make your selections! And get them right!"
Huh? Get them right? I was surprised this kind looking lady just metaphorically ripped my asshole something fierce.
I looked over at the waiting area and saw Wijormiclat and Echo sitting, reading magazines. I think it was "Guns and Ammo."
All of a sudden, the door into the waiting room flew open. In walked two men. I stared at them for a second and realized who they were.
Their names were Craig and Mike. Two guys I knew from back in high school.
They barged in and saw the three of us in the room. I got up and ran over to them. Echo jumped up and then Wijormiclat stood and yelled,
-"What are you guys doing here?!"
-"We're getting blow jobs!"
In unison, the three of us yelled,
-"US TOO!"
Then we all high-fived each other.
Upon finishing my story, Echo's sister started lactating and his cat died of AIDS.
She stood in awe of what she just heard. She turned to Echo and asked,
-"Is this normal?"
He replied,
-"Not really. No one died, and there was no actual sex or degradation of human bodies."
He's a great friend.
We now refer to this dream as, "The Blowjob Shack."
She huffed. Then she began her inquisition.
Apparently my mom is intrusive, overassertive, and domineering towards my life and career goals...
...and I'm gay.
User Reviews
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2006-06-15 14:42:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
High fives are the new handshake!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-24 16:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man whats goin on?
our troops are ready for deployment in our never ending quest to conquer all pornos ever created.
I need a response otherwise I'm gonna have them make their own porns with the 1968 world champion synchronized swimming team.
which is pretty bosh i guess.
you know what? I think ill have them do that anyways. Then I'll jack off into a pint of peanut butter/jelly and serve everyone I know jam sandwich.
wow thats hot
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-13 13:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quite humorious
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2006-05-13 13:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2005-11-16 23:40:08 (#)
Ranking: 1
Fuck Lindros. DEVILS!!!!!!111
-----
How about them Devils now, eh?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-13 01:15:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been having gay dreams all week, but none of them were this sweet.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-13 00:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really am afraid bart will ban me if I post a link to a certian picture...
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-13 00:35:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-13 00:15:49 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cyst I found the motherfucking perfect website for you.
http://moid.org/ed
__________________________
OH, COME ONNNNNN -> http://moid.org/ed/1106963937868.jpg
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-13 00:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cyst I found the motherfucking perfect website for you.
http://moid.org/ed
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-12 23:57:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I WANNA HAVE UR ASS...
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-09 01:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Indeed faggot bitch!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-09 00:36:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
true that
Submitted by MrsCleanButtFucks (user info) at 2006-05-08 23:46:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So we all want to put our own nuts in our own ass since we're all alters of the same person. That is a totally non-fictional story.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-08 23:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HIGH FIVES ALL AROUND!!!!
Submitted by wijormiclat (user info) at 2006-05-08 22:55:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UUUUUUSSSSSSS TOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by The_Cyst_Master (user info) at 2006-05-08 17:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee wants my nuts in her ass!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-08 16:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for pic
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:40:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:24:32 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:15:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool! Yesterday I dreamed about a spider web with an 8-legged goat on it. For real.
=====================================
That means you're in love with cyst master.
_________________
Well that's no secret.
Submitted by MyTeeOne (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:24:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:15:03 (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool! Yesterday I dreamed about a spider web with an 8-legged goat on it. For real.
=====================================
That means you're in love with cyst master.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:32:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dream about oven mitts generally.
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:29:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this gave me a cyst on my balls
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:25:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Needs less words and more cartoons.
I hate when people change their genre of expertise.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-08 12:00:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool! Yesterday I dreamed about a spider web with an 8-legged goat on it. For real.
Submitted by Chazzy (user info) at 2006-05-08 09:56:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-08 09:19:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i think earl scruggs runs that shack man.
him and some other banjo fisting assholes
Submitted by erosion_rules (user info) at 2006-05-08 08:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I've seen that car in person. No one could ever forget the Ass Orgy plates.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-08 08:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i always dream in color
Submitted by JSultan (user info) at 2006-05-08 08:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
crazy...
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-08 07:37:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I have crazy semen as well.