Totally Useless Penis Facts, Part II (nsfw) (6190 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dirty HumorRating: 1.66 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Axolotl .93 (View user info) at 2006-05-08 09:44:13 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87598
Latest onset of male potency
According to Kinsey the latest ages of first ejaculation reliably recorded "are 21 for two apparently healthy males, 24 for a religiously inhibited individual, and 22 and 24 for two males with hormonal deficiencies."
Youngest sexually potent male
The earliest ejaculation remembered by any of the "apparently normal males" surveyed by Kinsey was at the age of eight: this age was noted by three males. The history was also taken of one unusual boy, a Negro interviewed when he was 12, who reckoned he first ejaculated at the age of six.
A clinician had diagnosed the boy as "idiopathically precocious in development." In the literature- Kinsey quotes three cases - there are clinical instances of still younger ages. Non-motile sperm have been detected in urine after prostate massage at four and half years. Kinsey opts for eight as the earliest reliably recorded ejaculation .
At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful orgasm.
Oldest woman to menstruate
It has been known for a girl to start menstruating at three months old (H. Jolly in "Sexual Precocity", Proc. Royal Soc. Med. 44, 1951), and occasionally the menopause too occurs at a very early age: there are instances of girls reaching the menopause before the age of twenty.
The menopause rarely occurs after the age of fifty-five but rare cases do occur. In one instance menstruation was continuing in a woman aged 104.
Latest to menstruate
Menstruation, commonly functioning in the vast bulk of teenage girls, may be delayed well past the teens. In a number of cases medical attention needs to be sought; in others the condition may exist in a "normal" but "slow" girl. In the Kinsey sample some girls did not start menstruating until they were in their twenties. The latest instance was a girl who started to menstruate when she was twenty-five years old.
Most famous nymphomaniac in antiquity
Valeria Messalina of ancient Rome almost certainly wins this one; indeed her name (the "Messalina complex") has been used as a synonym for nymphomania. With her insatiable sexual appetities she acted as prostitute and seducer. She married Claudius when only sixteen; it has been speculated that she started an active sex life when she was thirteen or fourteen. If she fancied a man, Claudius would order him to submit to her whims: it was useful being married to an emperor. Dio Cassius has declared that she kept her lustful husband well supplied with housemaids for bedfellows. She often enjoyed herself in the local brothel.
Most frequent physiological cause of nymphomania
In their book "Nymphomania", Albert Ellis and Edward Sagarin represent the failure in a woman - through physiological rather than psychological reasons - to achieve orgasm as the "most frequent physiological cause of nymphomania"
Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the 529 positions described in the Kama Sutra. More Kama Sutra information here.
A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.
Most frequent psychological cause of nymphomania
According to Ellis and Sargarin, one outstanding reason why a woman becomes a nymphomaniac in our society is through "an overwhelming need to be loved, a hunger that generally seems to be greater in women, than in men." Thus - in her efforts to seek out affection, security, and acceptance - she comes to have many sexual experiences that she might otherwise not welcome. There is a clear sense in which this is a patriarchal interpretation of female sexuality. Not all male writers are ready to come to the conclusion that a fair number of women can simply enjoy sex and see it as worth experiencing for its own sake.
Best non-medical description of a hermaphrodite
Perhaps the best is that in Henry Spender Ashbee's "Catena Librorum Tacendorum". The "woman,' was fairly attractive. Ashbee said - "She was about twenty years of age, rather pretty, and quite womanly, with beautiful eyes, a good complexion, and fair hair; her nose was rather masculine and her mouth rather rough and large, with bad teeth; her chest was expansive, and her breasts well developed; the lower part of the legs slightly bowed, and masculine. She possessed, m appearance at least, the organs of both sexes, but neither perfect, a small penis, as in a lad of twelve or fourteen years, and testicles however, not perforated. Underneath the testicles was what seemed to be a perfect female vestibule, of which the opening was, however, only large enough to allow her to pass water, but not to receive a man, or even to admit the insertion of the end of a quill... she had no monthly flow, but felt, nevertheless, a periodic indisposition; she experienced pleasures in the embraces of both sexes, and had even an erection when with a sympathetic female. She could not, of course, satisfy her desires. "
Rarest type of human hermaphrodites
The rarest cases of human hermaphroditism are the instances of true or gonadal hermaphrodite. In this condition each gonad is an ovotestis - part ovary and part testis - or one is an ovary and the other a testis. Swyer, writing in 1954, remarks that only forty cases had been recorded in all the medical literature. The condition can be diagnosed only by microscopial examination of parts of the gonads.
Among the outward signs in a "male" are hypospadias, undescended testicles and abnormal breast development, in the "female" with this condition there is abnormal development of the clitoris. Normal spermato-genesis may occur close to an ovary in which ovulation takes place.
Most famous sex-change Court case
The most famous "sex-change" case to get to court was that of England's April Ashley. She had been born with male genitals but was psychologically female, i.e. she was a transsexual.
She hated her penis and in 1960 underwent an operation to remove the visible signs of maleness: strictly speaking this was not a change of sex, since all she had accomplished was to remove the visible evidence of her genetic sex. In the eyes of the law she was still a man (and in fact had been brought up as George Jamieson). In February 1970 her marriage to Arthur Corbett was declared null on the ground that she was not really married.
Mr. Justice Ormrod declared that "She is a biological male and has been so since birth." She had male chromosomes and male gonads. Lawyers supported the court ruling but medical opinion was divided. Dr. Benjamin, author of "The Transsexual Phenomenon", noted that "April Ashley has a vagina, so she is a woman." For April Ashley herself the court ruling was a personal disaster.
In America hundreds of thousands of circumcised foreskins have been sold to bio-research laboratories.
In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two penises. Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of
men similarly endowed.
Most thoroughly investigated virgin birth
There have been many claims of virgin birth in human history, strong in legend (Greek mythology, the Bible etc.) and weak in the medical literature. In some rare cases a woman has carried part of her twin around inside her and subsequent "delivery" has created the illusion of virgin birth.
In November 1955 the "London Sunday Pictorial" asked women to come forward who thought that there had been no father to their child. Nineteen claims were made to the newspaper and these were investigated. Eleven were negated in the initial enquiry because the mothers thought an intact hymen inevitably indicated a virgin conception. Finally the nineteen cases were reduced to one possible. Mrs. E. Jones and her daughter were subjected to further thorough investigation. Their blood, saliva and tasting powers were all examined, and attempts were made to graft skin from one to the other. Blood, saliva, and tasting powers were almost identical, but the grafts did not take. In June 1956 the Sunday Pictorial was prepared to state that, after six months of detailed medical investigation, the results were consistent with a case of virgin birth. Professor J. B. S. Haldane disagreed and argued that the evidence in fact led to the opposite conclusion - the child had a father.
First discovery of sperm
Human sperm were first discovered by a student of Antonij van Leeuwenhoek in 1677 in the city of Delft. The name of the student is not known for certain: he is variously written up as Ludwig Hamm, van Hamm or von Hammen. According to some writers he is a Dutchman, to others a German.
One day he brought to the acknowledged master of microscopy, Leeuwenhoek, a bottle containing semen and pointed out that small animals could be seen moving about in the ejaculate. Van Leeuwenhoek went on to study the seminal emissions from a wide range of sick and healthy men; in the semen of them all the odd creatures could be detected. He described his findings to the Royal Society in London
"I have seen so excessively great a quantity of living animalcules that I am much astonished by it. I can say without exaggeration that in a bit of matter no longer than a grain of sand more than fifty thousand animalcules were present, whose shape I can compare with nought better than with our river eel. These animalcules move about with uncommon vigour and in some places clustered so thickly together that they formed a single dark mass. After a short time they separated. In fine, these animals astonished my eye more than aught I had seen before. "
Of course at the end of the seventeenth century there was still a mystery as to what sperm actually were. Some thought them to be parasites in the seminal fluid - and saliva and urine and other bodily secretions were quickly examined in the search for more sperm. Others thought them coagulating agents.
Semen facts
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: early morning/fall
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain 156 miles per hour
There are approximately 5 calories in a teaspoon of semen.
It was not realised that sperm were concerned in the process of fertilisation until the nineteenth century. Various names are associated with the discovery - Prevost and Dumas (1824), Peltier (1835), and Dujardin (1837) .
First sperm bank
The idea of an effective sperm bank has appealed to eugenically-minded individuals for a good few centuries. Such arrangements have only recently become practically feasible. The first two sperm banks, set up in Iowa City and Tokyo, both began life in 1964.
First sperm-bank child
The first sperm-bank child was born in the U.S. in 1953 - and, in the words of Gerald Leach, was "perfectly normal". Since then the numbers have swelled, with the sperm storage period being gradually lengthened. It seems that little ecological or eugenic thought has gone into this subject.
Most famous victims of VD
A great number of famous and talented men have had one sort of venereal illness or another. Here are one or two of them Abraham, David and Job, Caesar, Herod Tiberius, Charlemagne, Charles V and VIII of France, John of Gaunt, Popes Alexander VI, Julius II and Leo X, Henry VIII, Erasmus, Albrecht Durer, Thomas Wolsey, Ivan the Terrible, Benvenuto Cellini, Richelieu John Aubrey, Casanova, Boswell, Goethe, Schopenhauer, Keats, Schubert, Nietzsche, Mussolini, Hitler, Gauguin, Strindberg, Oscar Wilde, etc., etc. (See T. Rosebury, "Microbes and Morals"). This list could easily be extended.
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Most of us know that semen has the remarkable ability to help start babies. But this is only one of the powers attributed to the mysterious substance. One idea is that semen has a "magnetic" effect those who retain their semen i.e. refrain from sexual activity, are able to draw both men and women to themselves.
It has often been assumed that semen has mystical or religious powers. Thus a subsect of the Gnostics mixed the fluid with the sacramental draught in their religious ceremonies.
And in the so-called Black Mass, semen has served as holy water. Aleister Crowley reckoned that art, literature and philosophy were all the outcome of sexual power, and that the whole of human psychology was a radiating miasma from the seminal stream: he is reported as saying that "Mind is a disease of semen."
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
All penises bend slightly to the left or right — there is no perfectly straight penis.
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts and pumpkin pie!
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This isn't meant to be anything you haven't seen, a huge medical discovery. All this is about is entertainment, and relieving some boredom, what Uber's all about.
User Reviews
Submitted by Phallic_Cymbals (user info) at 2008-05-16 22:25:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
There are approximately 5 calories in a teaspoon of semen.
??????
Also, did no one else mention "prostate massaging" or a four year old?
Cos that gave me the first of my 11 erections of the day.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-07-15 00:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NO I AGREE
Best shitfuck method captain thorns squattail professorfuckface badassmofo merlina tigerlilly ilikesteak darko boblola inion_de_trua orgasmatron sideburns bart polyamorousaj kaos-king pentameter cabaretgirl nsfw habeeb christpuncher phuzzygish davros sphagnum georgemichael stevie_says jmg razor firefly mickginny matt maiorano domenad anthony loscario queenashlee mystiamoon stabkill chronic_masturbator electrictoothsyndrome jack mccallum EVER!!!!!
Submitted by causeican (user info) at 2006-05-09 08:27:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that was cool!
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-08 19:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...WHY DO I NEED TO KNOW THIS?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-08 19:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I always did like pumpkin pie.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-08 18:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-08 18:21:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one strange boy.
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eh. Maybe. What makes you think that?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-08 18:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're one strange boy.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-08 17:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-08 17:20:58 (#)
Ranking: 1
In America hundreds of thousands of circumcised foreskins have been sold to bio-research laboratories.
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"bio-research laboratories"??
sure SURE!!
I'm never having Calamari in "America" again!!
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We know what THOSE are used for...
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-08 17:20:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In America hundreds of thousands of circumcised foreskins have been sold to bio-research laboratories.
===================================
"bio-research laboratories"??
sure SURE!!
I'm never having Calamari in "America" again!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-08 16:22:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
um, thanks I guess, Dude - I still don't get the '.93' thing - is it some kind of countdown?
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto +2 for the big hairy bush pic....nice!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-08 15:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read the first one this weekend and thought it was good and useful for off the wall facts. This one didn't let me down.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-08 14:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200"
I think I accomplished that feat in the month of April alone.
...and by alone, I mean I received no help.
*sqeeek*
Damnit.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-08 14:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
SERIOUSLY.
Someone out there is massaging the prostates of 4 year olds?
...this is some sick shit.
"I reckon the first time I nutted, I was six years old."
WHAT?
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-08 13:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Totally useless.
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-08 13:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Semen facts
Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: At this point I'm shooting blanks
Average number of times Wardy will ejaculate in his lifetime: 17,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 17,199
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 144 gallons
Average speed of ejaculation: Hard enough to kill the fly on the wall. Not hard enough to kill the dog. Don't ask how I know this.
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: Not enough to keep me from getting a job to feed myself.
Most arousing time of day/season for Wardy: Is this a serious question?
Percent of Wardy that says he masturbates: 100%
Percent of Wardy that says he masturbates at least once a day: 100%
Percent of Wardy that says he feels guilty masturbating that often: 100% (I'm Catholic)
Amount of time needed for Wardy to regain erection: Depends what I'm watching and where I am, if animals are involved and if lube is available. Seriously, could this question be any broader?
Average # of erections per day for Wardy: 1.5-16 -- Depends if I'm at Great America or not.
Average # of erections during the night: What the fuck? I'm sleeping! How the fuck am I supposed to know if I'm erect during that time? Better question: How often do you wake up with a smile on your face?
Sperm life: 2 1/2 minutes (from development to ejaculation)
Speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain 156 million miles per hour
There are approximately 5 calories in a teaspoon of semen. Like I said, Ramen is a better option.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-08 11:46:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars, claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night.
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who lets a fucking maid ruin their sex life.
for christ's sake.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:34:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this took me back to anthropology class.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:01:18 (#)
Ranking: 1
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
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These numbers, of course, do not apply to Ubermales, in which case the latter number would be more accurately around 6,000. :p
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Oo, well more than that I'd say.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:14:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
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and that made me sick.
YOU'RE TOO YOUNG TO THINK ABOUT SEX!!!
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
penises are gay
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-08 10:01:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000
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These numbers, of course, do not apply to Ubermales, in which case the latter number would be more accurately around 6,000. :p
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-08 09:46:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
auto peenar +2