Super-Paul answers your dumbass questions (1459 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.51 on 60 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Paul Hibbert (View user info) at 2006-05-09 06:46:26 EDT
I'm so sick of the fucking email forwards I keep getting either sent directly to my inbox or bulletin-ed to me via Myspace... I decided the only course of action was to answer them-
1ST REACTIONS......................
Body: Type you're FIRST REACTION when you hear these 33 words (don't spend time thinking - just your gut reaction please):
1. Cigarettes: Uncle Jimmy on that cold winter morning standing over the corpse of his dearly departed. God he loved that penguin, but she had forsaken him and sullied his family name. He had no choice but to force her from this mortal coil with a large Zanussi Fridge. Goodbye sweet Adelphi... Goodbye
2. Sex: Male
3. Relationships: Adelphi the unfaithful and libelous yet beautiful penguin
4. Your Last Ex: Plate thrower (seriously)
5. Power Rangers: Power rangers? I've never watched such tripe, call that television... OK the pink one.
6. Marijuana: babba booey babba booey!
7. Crack: Butt
8. Food: a great source of calcium
9. This President: ass honker
10. War: huh! what is it good for? Absolutley nothing- say it again now.
11. Cars: The Cars successfully bridged the styles of 1970's guitar-oriented rock and the synth-oriented pop of the early 1980s. While most of the singles included an Elliot Easton guitar solo, The Cars' sound was defined much more by Greg Hawkes' synthesizers and the huge harmonies of Easton, David Robinson, and Hawkes behind Benjamin Orr's and Ric Ocasek's lead vocals.
12. Gas: A fuel extracted from the krakatoan ostrich. A rich and financially viable substance it is quickly running out and scientists are jumping around hitting each other with rolled up newspapers because they can't find a replacement fuel. Many a volvo can be seen crying awaiting the day its yummy gas runs out.
13. Halloween: I just stroked my beard so my boss would think I was working really hard
14. Bon Jovi: Hairball.
15. First Love: Left me because her parents told her to, true story- tis how the band was formed.
16. Wood: Keanu Reeves... ooh burn *licks finger and strikes the air making a hiss noise*
17. Worst Fear: Being trapped in a room with an angry horny elephant and a small claustrophobic man with a moustache
18. Marriage: Till death do we part, but parting is such sweet sorrow and I'm sorry but I have to kill you.
19. Blondes: chemically similar in density to lead
20. Brunettes: Mad as hatters
21. Redheads: Rocket fuel
22: Work: the body, work work the body- slow down girl you're gonna hurt somebody- Fresh Prince, oh yeah!
23: Pass the time: walk past a clock
24: Football: Stupid fucking sport that makes people act retarded whilst boxing my car in to my own driveway so the lazy cocks don't have to catch a bus to the match. Afterwards they all spontaneously transmogrify into lemmings and turn the road into some sort of cattle grid of cunts. Weekly this happens! Every fucking week so some overpaid trumped up bunch of rich kids can kick a ball endlessly backwards and forwards seemingly without consequence. Suck my ass football! you hear me? Suck it!!!!
25: One night stands: similar to a hat stand but you can leave your hat on!... Wow I could be on Blind date with that answer.
26: Pet Peeve: Blind Date
27: Pixie Stix: If you throw them hard enough at the wall.
28: Vanilla Ice Cream: A testament to why mankind should never have thought it sensible to wank off cows nipples.
29: Porta Pottie: More conveniant than a regular toilet.
30: High school: One time it was my birthday so the other boys gaffer taped my arms and legs together and then placed me over a bollard between upper school and lower school so I couldn't move. I sat there as even the smallest children walked past laughing at me. The man responsible is now my bass player. School is weird.
31: Pyjamas: bananas
32. Religion: what is this? one of those gay questionairres that ask stupid questions?
33. MySpace: Oh, this is one of those gay questionairres that ask stupid questions.
User Reviews
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2006-11-11 06:15:50 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
shit
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-05-10 19:06:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-05-10 06:25:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, most heated and I didn't even do the camping.
Thankyou Cookie and all the rest of you folks with nothing to do.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-05-10 01:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woot
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-09 19:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah, Phil, thanks for taking my call. What's a good shampoo to use? I was thinking one of those pH balanced ones but I really don't even know what pH means.
Signed, Shlomo in St.Louis
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I answered "sex" to all of these.
...saved me a lot of cut&paste, so I guess that's the silver lining.
Damnit... too much talk of The Flat Spot earlier today.
*sqeeeek*
Oh shit, the janitor is going to be very upset with me... again.
*sqeeek* *sqeeek*
I think it's time to go home.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:42:54 (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall have you know, sirrah, that it isn't difficult to make Cookie adore you for at least a week. My head is easily turned. A thick coating of flattery and flirtation will secure you the number one spot for several days in a row, but keeping the adoration is difficult. Like I said, I'm fickle. And if I'm not at the centre of your attention, I'll get bored and chat up someone else. It's a sad fact.
----------
tru dat
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:16:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Of course I will Cookie. email sent
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:02:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Will you respect me in the morning?
Jesus christ... just e-mail me already. Whilst I'm sure Pock will find this hi-larious, I'm tired of checking back for idle chatty-chat. cookielass24.at.yahoo.com
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:56:24 (#)
Ranking: 2
No, not heathen! Greatly developed, large-brained genius! Refined and with manners!
Why do I find myself vying for your approval? You're supposed to be vying for mine. Stop trying to trick me.
---
Large brained? mmmmm - show us your lobes!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, not heathen! Greatly developed, large-brained genius! Refined and with manners!
Why do I find myself vying for your approval? You're supposed to be vying for mine. Stop trying to trick me.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:53:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:46:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
EMT stands for Emergency Medical Technician... he rides in the ambulances. Sortof an amalgam of nurse, doctor, and surgeon. My lil brother's fiancee is one, and she's got alot of gross stories.
I don't know if you'd call where I am less heathenous, but the weather's certainly better. I live in Texas now, where I use my accent to get free drinks at bars and escape traffic tickets.
---
*sigh*
Heathen.
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
21. Redheads: Rocket fuel
Bwahahahahaha
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:48:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I used to think Paul Hibbert and mrwolf were 2 different brits.
weird.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EMT stands for Emergency Medical Technician... he rides in the ambulances. Sortof an amalgam of nurse, doctor, and surgeon. My lil brother's fiancee is one, and she's got alot of gross stories.
I don't know if you'd call where I am less heathenous, but the weather's certainly better. I live in Texas now, where I use my accent to get free drinks at bars and escape traffic tickets.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:33:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:26:47 (#)
Ranking: 2
Um... he's a dude, red. Why would I get happy over watching a chick work out? They have mirrors on the wall... I could watch myself work out if I wanted to do that.
---
I see.
I have no come back. I didn't read your comment properly. I still want to know what that stands for. My curiosity is piqued. Do you still live in Scotland or have you moved to less heathen parts?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bananas in pyjamas? please tell me you are a parent of or part owner of a toddler.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:26:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Um... he's a dude, red. Why would I get happy over watching a chick work out? They have mirrors on the wall... I could watch myself work out if I wanted to do that.
Submitted by corn_nugget (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:26:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:12:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
EMT? Please post pictures
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dervel.. that's just... just...
I'm on a low-protein diet. Speaking of which, it's almost time for the very attractive EMT to start his workout, which also means that I should start mine. Nothing motivates like a hot brunette grunting away under the weight bar.
Submitted by nerdyjock (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:52:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like what you've done with the place.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll go fetch Cookielass her straw.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aaaaaand... I do believe that might have killed it. I have no clue what to say to that.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bugger.
I think my boss just stepped in some man seed I spilled on the tiling earlier this morning.
I may be gone a while.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:13:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Art Post Wednesday, Dervel. Geez. I know you Norfolkers (Norfolkites? Norfolkese? Hillbillys?) live under rocks and haystacks and the like, but would it really hurt so much to poke your head out and have a look around from time to time?
Oh wait. I forgot about the goiter. Suppose it would hurt, then.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I drove through a place in Devon called "Wiggaton" at the weekend.
I was so amused I stopped and took a picture on my phone.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A Poor Wigger
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's APW?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:07:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:07:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:00:34 (#)
Ranking: 2
You shut your piehole, Dervel. Don't force me to post the picture you sent me yesterday... yes, you know the one.
Red, I am indeed ginger, but not the freckly sort. I have some freckles, but it's not like we're talking Phuzzy's back or anything (sorry, Drew... had to be done...). Eyes, green. I believe you will find an acceptable picture of them here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52483. And it's not so much that I suffer from the ills of whims, just that I'm a serious pain in the ass that requires constant reassurance.
---
http://www.ubersite.com/m/83934
I am a complete sucker for green eyes and you are very pretty. The freckliness of Phuzzy's back indicates the evil within, waiting to be birthed. Be afeared of his man seed uberladies.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aye, the gorilla and the bear are my favourites. I may just have to do a picture-post for APW consisting of the art of Dervel... include all those others you've sent me over the year. Except for one... you know the one. *wink wink*
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:01:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The stoat on a boat? I liked that.
The gorilla and bear is still my favourite though.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 11:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You shut your piehole, Dervel. Don't force me to post the picture you sent me yesterday... yes, you know the one.
Red, I am indeed ginger, but not the freckly sort. I have some freckles, but it's not like we're talking Phuzzy's back or anything (sorry, Drew... had to be done...). Eyes, green. I believe you will find an acceptable picture of them here: http://www.ubersite.com/m/52483. And it's not so much that I suffer from the ills of whims, just that I'm a serious pain in the ass that requires constant reassurance.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If she's Scottish she's undoubtably ginger and freckly as well! Her only chance of redemption is if she will recite lines from Supergran at me, but not to call me a 'wee scunner.' I still don't exactly know what that means.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:52:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pfft, don't be daft Red.
She's Scottish, therefore has eyes like two misaligned raisins in a stodgy slab of carrot cake.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:49:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah Cookie - while I am indeed capable of laserbeam like obsession (I could be a stalker if I set my mind to it) - I do not pander to whims. My affections and attentions are hard won. Your best chance of achieving the position of stalkee is to have incredibly beautiful eyes.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I shall have you know, sirrah, that it isn't difficult to make Cookie adore you for at least a week. My head is easily turned. A thick coating of flattery and flirtation will secure you the number one spot for several days in a row, but keeping the adoration is difficult. Like I said, I'm fickle. And if I'm not at the centre of your attention, I'll get bored and chat up someone else. It's a sad fact.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why, I do declare, Mr. Redskies... You leave me aaallll a-tizzy!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:24:13 (#)
Ranking: 2
See, here's the thing... because I am a woman, and women are fickle by nature, it's sortof a revolving door. It's generally the same people always in my top 10, but the positions shift. I can give them to you in no particular order, though...
1. Davs
2. Dervel
3. Pock
4. Sassy
5. Shekky
6. A boy named Jason who is not the Jason I live with
7. Drew
8. You, dear redskies
9. Scottish
10. random other people.
---
It is my new mission to be adored by Cookie. The aim is that the very sight of 'last reviewed by Redskieslookfake 0 Minutes Ago' will set her heart a flutter leaving her all in a tizzy.
I never ever used the word 'tizzy' except with quote marks around it before Uber.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See, here's the thing... because I am a woman, and women are fickle by nature, it's sortof a revolving door. It's generally the same people always in my top 10, but the positions shift. I can give them to you in no particular order, though...
1. Davs
2. Dervel
3. Pock
4. Sassy
5. Shekky
6. A boy named Jason who is not the Jason I live with
7. Drew
8. You, dear redskies
9. Scottish
10. random other people.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're funny i like you can we keep him, mom?
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 10:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cookie - it is imperative that you publish this list of favourites.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 09:53:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What's this? Could it be? Three of my top-five-favourite people all on one post?
ARMAGEDDON!!!
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-09 09:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like how it says "ladies" right behind you. fitting.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-09 09:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-09 09:08:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The imprint on the wall looks like a shepherd having a fiddle with his koeksister.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 09:05:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't feel bad, mate. (See? I can be Engrish too!) You know who else is short? Scott Ian.
Yeah. I know!
Anthrax motherfucker! DO YOU SPEAK IT?!
On the real though, there's a definite Scott Ian thing happening here. Anyone else getting it?
BASS! How low can you go? . . .
. . .
Get from in front of me, the crowd runs to me
My deejay is warm, he's X, I call him Norm ya know
He can cut a record from side to side
So what, the ride, the glide should be much safer than a suicide
Soul control, beat is the father of your rock 'n' roll
Music for whatcha, for whichin', you call a band man
Makin' a music, abuse it, but you can't do it, ya know
You call'em demos, but we ride limos too
Whatcha gonna do? Rap is not afraid of you
Beat is for Sonny Bono, beat is for Yoko Ono
Run-DMC first said a deejay could be a band
Stand on it's own feet, get you out your seat
Beat is for Eric B and L. L. as well, hell
Wax is for Anthrax, still I can rock bells ever
Forever, Universal it will sell
Time for me to exit, Terminator X-it
Turn it up, Bring the noise
From coast to coast, so you stop being like a comatose
Stand my man? The beat's the same with a boost-toast
Rock with some pizzazz, it will last, why you ask?
Roll with the rock stars, you'll never get accepted as
We got to plead the fifth, we can investigate
Don't need to wait, get the record straight
Hey, posse's in effect, got Flavor, Terminator
X to sign checks, play to get paid
We got to check it out down on the avenue
A magazine or two is dissing me and dissing you
Yeah, I'm telling you...
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-05-09 08:42:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 08:32:50 (#)
Ranking: 2
You look to be quite small. Sorry about that.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Are you kidding look how I tower above... erm... Yes alright I'm short.
Bastard
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 08:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You look to be quite small. Sorry about that.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-05-09 07:15:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pock sighting, alert the authorities.
-Dave
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 07:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dervel! He's got the largest adam's apple in the world! Small puppies orbit his throat like some furry collar.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-09 07:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And you say I'm weird.
At least I don't have a penguin fixation.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 07:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boring old git
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: "Jake Redskieslookfake.at.hotmail.co.uk
To: irritating bastard who keeps sending me these things
Subject: RE: Bah, why not?
Date: Fri, 21 Apr 2006 11:41:44 +0100
>
>> 30. Least likely to respond? Jake. He hates these bastard
>>questionnaire things and regularly sends
>>http://www.lemonparty.org.uk/ to people who send them to me.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-09 07:01:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Looks more like a cocksbury fin from that angle.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:56:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
Inconsistent hair
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ha ha ha, my mohawk rules.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:56:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Inconsistent hair
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:55:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't like Myspace and Myspace doesn't like me.
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:49:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's right, I don't work at B&Q at all, that's my alter-ego. I infact save the world for am living
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2006-05-09 06:48:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so thats where you went off to.