Open Letter to My Mortgage Company (2694 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: Miscellaneous
Rating: 1.77 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jimbo (View user info) at 2006-05-09 12:53:07 EDT
To: Senior Vice President, Customer Service
Dear Mr. XXXXXXX,
Fuck you, you pinstripe suit wearing douchebag motherfucker.
I have now had the pleasure of five (5) consecutive billing cycles during which your company has accomplished the following colossal fuck ups:
Fuck Up #1: Incorrectly assessed my escrow forecast for the coming fiscal year.
Result: my monthly mortgage payment increased by $561 per.
Comment: This is the first and only honest mistake you made. The rest of these Fuck Ups are simply downstream effects of your inability to correct this one issue. You fucking toolbox.
Fuck Up #2: Incorrectly applied my escrow shortfall payment to my mortgage principal.
Result: a second incorrect escrow forecast using the non-existent escrow shortfall (see Fuck up #1 above).
Comments: See, when I make an escrow shortfall payment and mark the box next to "ESCROW" in my payment coupon, I expect it to go to THE FUCKING ESCROW BALANCE. Jesus Christ on a fucking pogo stick, what the fuck could possibly have happened here? And as an added bonus, I get the exact same escrow analysis I got the first time. Sometimes you people make me want to set myself on fire. You first.
Fuck Up #3: Incorrectly billed me the $561 after your own customer service representative specifically instructed me to leave it out of my mortgage payment (ref: Fuck Up #1 above).
Result: You charged me $80 in late fees.
Comment: Are you sure you want to bill me that $80? Do you think that's a good idea? Really? The customer service rep I spoke to about this (a perfectly polite Indian fellow by the name of Ramesh) clearly didn't know WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. He let me know in no uncertain terms that this whole mess would be cleared up and that I had nothing to worry about.
Fuck Up #4: Held a mortgage payment "in suspension" while straightening out Fuck Up #3.
Result: my account placed into "delinquent" status. Reported me 30 days late to one or more credit agencies.
Comment: This one really doesn't need any commenting, does it? Other than to say that this was the worst error in judgment since Zed ass-raped Marcellus. And like Zed, you should be disembowled via samurai sword. Along with any leather-clad Gimps you may or may not have living in a trunk in the basement of your pawn shop. Or maybe Zed got the lead-pipe-and-blowtorch routine. Whatever.
Lets sum up, shall we?
Your company:
...fucked up an escrow analysis (twice), fucked up the handling of my escrow payments (twice), fucked up the handling of my mortgage payments (thrice), billed me $80 in late fees and $561 in God-knows-what-the-fuck Hoo-hah.
I, on the other hand:
...placed AT LEAST 9 phone calls to the servicing department of your Mortgage division. The end result of each call was a nice feeling that maybe you really had cleared all this bullshit up. Stupid me.
Maybe you're distraught over discovering your wife is banging the pool boy. Maybe you recently found out that your eldest son is a homosexual pedophile necrophiliac. I don't give a fuck. I expect a certain level of competence out of my mortgage lender. Your company is clearly not demonstrating the requisite non-fuck-up-itude I require.
The bottom line is this: What does it say that I'm willing to refinance my mortgage at A FULL POINT higher interest rate just to get the fuck away from you and your stupid shit ass?
Yours sincerely but not really,
Jimbo
p.s. expect a fire near you, soon.
p.p.s. -2 DIE.
User Reviews
Submitted by joedaddy (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:53:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
the days of a pinstripe-suit wearing douchebag motherfucker being involved in any of these decisions or indecision's is long gone
it's all done by computers programmed with strict predetermined scenarios
you may think you're talking to someone who knows or even gives a fuck about your particular situation but the truth is, you're only talking to some dot-head sitting in a satelite downlink station somewhere in Bangalore
welcome to the flattening of the world
the sooner you realize this, the happier your blood-pressure will be
Submitted by fluffy_love (user info) at 2006-08-10 01:18:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aaaahahaha
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2006-05-23 10:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG JIMBO LIVES
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2006-05-10 10:58:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-05-10 10:41:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmmmwwwuuhhaaaa.....sorry to laugh at your pain, but it couldn't be helped. Please let this mean you are posting again
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:43:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you could chalk it up to simple incompetence, but isnt it funny how the
mistakes are always made in their favor?
oh yeah, please post more, ubersite needs you, etc, etc...
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mortgage companies will rape you. They suck like that. : (
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:07:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's worse when, as the wages clerk, you file all the tax returns for the company. the inland revenue department start chasing you for penalty payments... even after you have proved to them 3 times that you made all payments correctly and at the right time and that they were the ones who fucked up. I mean, if I send you a cheque marked 'PAYE' why the fuck would you put it into student loans? HUH? HUH?
Morons
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:47:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:17:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
technically Zed was shot in the dick with a shotgun and then whatever whatever
his home girl is the one that got gutted
---
oh i hate that badassmofo, he's just sooo smug.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:16:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
COMountain ooh SNAP
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:16:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
COMountain ooh SNAP
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:49:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One time this Mexican dude incorrectly applied my escrow shortfall payment to my mortgage principal. So I knifed him in the belly. Seems like we've been having similar problems.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:56:27 (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh dude what are you thinking you accidentally submitted this to ubersite instead of your mortgage company, now a hundred people will have to read half of it then realize they don't give a shit instead of just one
---------------------------
What fuckface meant to say is:
"As soon as I can move out of my parents I'm going to bounce between rentals my entire life. I don't know shit about (saving) money, I don't know the term equity (hell, I don't even know what all that "escrow" talk was about) and it really doesn't matter because my hourly wage will never afford me anything better in life than living paycheck to paycheck and setting fire to at least 1/3 of it every month to pay off someone else's mortgage.
I am a douchebag and apologize for not knowing shit."
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:27:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(a perfectly polite Indian fellow by the name of Ramesh) clearly didn't know WHAT THE FUCK HE WAS TALKING ABOUT. He let me know in no uncertain terms that this whole mess would be cleared up and that I had nothing to worry about.
________________________________________
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. As a home owner I feel your righteous hate- it must be satisfied....burn them all.... slowly.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do you bank with Wells Fargo? I've never once had their customer service people get things right.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:51:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Places like this love anthrax.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:46:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*whistles*
DUDE I'M SORRY I TOLD YOU IT WAS A JOKE!!
*opens account.... increases escrow shortage*
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:40:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really wish I could say that I'm surprised.
Every year Sam goes psycho on the power company over our level payment plan. The way it's supposed to work is that they estimate your bill from past usage and then you pay that amount every month with a true-up in the last month. Every single year we have an overpayment credit so we don't have to pay anything the last month. Every single year, they send us a letter telling us that our payment for the next year is going up even though we clearly overpaid the previous year. Every year Sam calls bitches someone out and then they decide to let us pay what we paid all last year, you know the amount that ended up being too much.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:25:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
god i wish you'd really send that.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
god i wish you'd really send that.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
p.s. expect a fire near you, soon.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Maybe you recently found out that your eldest son is a homosexual pedophile necrophiliac."
Man, that's gotta make finding a date--or even just a good lay--a real pain in the ass.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
technically Zed was shot in the dick with a shotgun and then whatever whatever
his home girl is the one that got gutted
funny post though
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:16:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flame on.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"And like Zed, you should be disembowled via samurai sword."
I thought Zed got shot with a shotgun in the balls. Then subsequently tortured by "heavy pipe hittin' niggas with a pair of pliers and a blow torch".
I think the disembowled guy's name was Spider or some shit.
Submitted by Mike00295 (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Jesus Christ on a fucking pogo stick"
---
If I had a nickle...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-09 13:08:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Life sure does suck doesn't it
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah home-ownership. It truly is a little slice of the American Dream, isn't it?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-09 12:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh dude what are you thinking you accidentally submitted this to ubersite instead of your mortgage company, now a hundred people will have to read half of it then realize they don't give a shit instead of just one