I Was Attacked By Gnats And My Neighbor Thinks I'm Crazy (953 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.7 on 21 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by BadAssJulie (View user info) at 2006-05-09 14:26:19 EDT
This morning started out like any other morning until it was time for me to leave for work. As I approached my car, a huge swarm of gnats suddenly appeared around me. Startled, I let out a little yelp and jumped back a few feet just as my neighbor(who has already reported me to the cops because she thinks I'm a tweaker/dealer, see: http://www.ubersite.com/m/82773 ) was walking out to take her kids to school. She and her children couldn't see the swarm from where they were so they stood there silently watching me as I glared back at the gnats. The little bastards hovered just inches away from my face, daring me to take a step forward.
After a minute or two of this retarded standoff, she broke the silence and asked, "Are......are you ok?" Still keeping my eyes on the swarm, I answered, "Oh, hey. Uhh, yeah, I'm fine." She and the kids continued to watch me so I decided to try to make my move before she thought I was completely insane. I stepped to the right of the gnats. Cut off by more of the tiny insects. I stepped to the left. The swarm followed.
They hovered in front of me, mocking me for a few seconds before they surrounded me and attacked. I started yelling and swatting at the gnats with my hands as I ran to my car. I jumped in, locked the door behind me, and shook my head in disbelief. When I looked up, my neighbor was staring at me wide-eyed with her jaw on the floor while her kids laughed at me. Not knowing what else to do, I simply smiled and waved before I started the car and drove off.
Before I got on the freeway, I must have seen at least four or five more swarms of gnats flying above the streets. I have no idea what's going on since I rarely ever see gnats, let alone huge swarms of them. I thought they only lived in forests or in hot, humid places with lots of plants. I think I should start carrying a huge can of hair spray at all times just in case they decide to attack me again. Hair spray will kill them, right? Or at least make them move out of my way? It works for spiders at least.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-24 01:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-20 09:14:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88131#1983088
BeCaUsE wE aRe InTeRwEb EnEmIeS
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-05-09 20:36:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get out of town right now. No, seriously, head on.
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-funniness level: 5/5
-ass-kicking level: 5/5
-get out of town level: 5/5
//
perfect score.
go on, head out.
your job is through here.
Ours has just begun.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2006-05-09 20:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
IT'S THE GOVERNMENT!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2006-05-09 20:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I hate gnats.
Hair spray will kill them, right? If you use it with a lighter it will.
Submitted by mles76 (user info) at 2006-05-09 19:03:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If no one else saw them perhaps they were never there. Did you think about that? Maybe?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:23:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:17:12 (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you trying to imply that there is something wrong with behaving this way when there are no gnats?
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Of course not. You just need to make sure your neighbors aren't around to call the cops. If they are, make sure there's music on and just say you're a terrible dancer.
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:17:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Are you trying to imply that there is something wrong with behaving this way when there are no gnats?
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
read the book Prey by michael crighton.
it's about little bug like computers that fly around and can become other shit...it's sw3eet.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:29:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I caught my neighbor doing a little dance putting out the recycling bin. He said there was a bee, sure buddy. I actually saw the bee but it was better to pretend I didn't.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:19:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:04:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:59:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really read it, but I'm sure it's funny. Anyway, the picture reminded me of the old cartoon Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends (the "Friends" here being Ice-Man (who should have been of X-Men fame, but inexplicably wasn't) and Firestar (a character who prior to that did not exist in comic-dom, but would be incorporated later). Yeah, so, Spider-Man and his amazing friends had to fight this guy named Swarm. Swarm was made up of a whole bunch of bees and shit. Like a whole swarm of them or some shit. He liked to say "swarm" a lot too, but it wasn't annoying because he had a really cool insect-like voice. Or maybe it was just synthesized. I don't really remember all that well. It was like, 1980 or so. That's a long time ago.
So. Yeah. Your picture reminds me of that.
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1980? I wasn't even born yet Teeph.
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Oh yeah? huh. Ain't that somethin'. Really, really intersting. Thanks so much for sharing.
Oh! And before I forget, fuck right off you damned whippersnapper. YOU KIDS BETTER STAY OFF MY LAWN!!! I'LL TURN THE HOOOOOOOOOOSE ON YA!!!!!!!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is not unlike walking into a spiderweb. Nobody can see the web but you... all they can see is you jerking around like a retard trying to get it off you, and sometimes making bizarre noises.
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:59:10 (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really read it, but I'm sure it's funny. Anyway, the picture reminded me of the old cartoon Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends (the "Friends" here being Ice-Man (who should have been of X-Men fame, but inexplicably wasn't) and Firestar (a character who prior to that did not exist in comic-dom, but would be incorporated later). Yeah, so, Spider-Man and his amazing friends had to fight this guy named Swarm. Swarm was made up of a whole bunch of bees and shit. Like a whole swarm of them or some shit. He liked to say "swarm" a lot too, but it wasn't annoying because he had a really cool insect-like voice. Or maybe it was just synthesized. I don't really remember all that well. It was like, 1980 or so. That's a long time ago.
So. Yeah. Your picture reminds me of that.
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1980? I wasn't even born yet Teeph.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-09 15:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bleach and water in spray bottle = instant death for gnats.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:59:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't really read it, but I'm sure it's funny. Anyway, the picture reminded me of the old cartoon Spider-Man and His Amazing Friends (the "Friends" here being Ice-Man (who should have been of X-Men fame, but inexplicably wasn't) and Firestar (a character who prior to that did not exist in comic-dom, but would be incorporated later). Yeah, so, Spider-Man and his amazing friends had to fight this guy named Swarm. Swarm was made up of a whole bunch of bees and shit. Like a whole swarm of them or some shit. He liked to say "swarm" a lot too, but it wasn't annoying because he had a really cool insect-like voice. Or maybe it was just synthesized. I don't really remember all that well. It was like, 1980 or so. That's a long time ago.
So. Yeah. Your picture reminds me of that.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:45:30 (#)
Ranking: 2
you drown spiders with hairspray... you spray flying bugs with them so when the hairspray dries it hardens the wings which makes them not fly. I used to use hairspray on wasps. It doesn't kill them immediately.
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how do we get rid of pests like you, fatty mcgee?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anyone know where I can get a pet bat? I've got a pet cockatoo, will that do? Actually, I think he's afraid of flying bugs because he screams when he sees a fly outside. What a pansy.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you drown spiders with hairspray... you spray flying bugs with them so when the hairspray dries it hardens the wings which makes them not fly. I used to use hairspray on wasps. It doesn't kill them immediately.
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
True that, Jonny.
Get yourself a pet bat immejitley.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-09 14:37:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
if you had a pet bat, this wouldn't be a problem.