Holy Shirt! There's Shirt on Your Shit and Dyslexia Bounds Knows No (1390 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.96 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-05-09 15:35:50 EDT
How many questions can you really ask yourself without having to inquire about your own sanity?
Like the other day, I was doing a bit of laundry. Having many different stages of "dirty," I proceeded to sort through what needed to be done and what I felt like doing. Let me present into evidence:
Exhibit A: White laundry as a collective is the most time consuming and the leading cause to my high blood pressure (besides other people's children in public places).
Exhibit B: I am so lazy that instead of washing socks or T-shirts when all are usurped, I instead purchase more to, in effect, delay the designated white washing time and place. This perpetuates the increase of blood pressure, caused by the folding of mismatched socks and skid-marked underwear.
I am my own worst enemy. Not like the crappy song. I am Inspector Gadget and Dr. Claw rolled into a neat little package, completely lacking that little know-it-all cunt, Penny. Fuck her and her computer book.
Stop spelled backwards is pots and that has absolutely no relevance to this story whatsoever.
Alone in the laundry room - not really alone because the bathroom was in there with me and my roommate was also 10 feet away - I was prepping the whites for their journey back to the world of clean. Removal of protein stains is accomplished by copious amounts of bleach. Amazing, how in the throes of passion anything and everything, including but not limited to, all of your worldly possessions become cum rags. Whites are an easy choice because of their abundance. I once used a Crayola 64-pack with the sharpener to clean up. Ask me how, I dare you.
Those wrappers are real absorbent. I think they're made by Bounty.
The socks need to right-side-out to get fully cleaned or that's all in my head, too.
It was at that point that I decided to compose an instructional pamphlet. The title:
"How to Get Your Roommate to Look at Things That Even You Don't Want to See"
I spoke out loud after finishing the conversation in my head. Jokingly, I said, "Hey, check out these skid-marks in my underwear. It looks like the Virgin Mother riding a skateboard holding a soda."
I wipe meticulously so there were no skid-marks. I just desperately craved attention and the toilet plunger had been eyeing me up, making me uncomfortable for far too long. He wrote it off and called me an asshole.
Then, came a bigger surprise than that time that Iran found out that Plutonium really was in the center of bowling balls and it didn't matter how many times you licked them; you still needed a 30 lb maul to get to the center. What's funnier than thousands of Muslims dancing in the street, with a bowling ball in each arm? You tell me, because I'm still waiting to see it.
I called to Nate, my roomie, "Nate, check it out man! There's a skid-mark on one of my T-Shirts!"
He hurried into the laundry room to steal a glance of my prized procurement.
After looking in disbelief, he inquisitively asked, "How the fuck is it possible for you to get shit on your t-shirt? How the fuck is it possible for you to get me to look?!"
Just call me train-wreck. Best goddamn Mr. Goodbar that I ever bought in my life.
User Reviews
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:12:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was good. Purple monkey dishwasher.
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:45:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop spelled backwards is pots and that has absolutely no relevance to this story whatsoever.
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thank you ADHD
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
Submitted by the_thorne (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by dove666 (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bleach +2
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-10 11:23:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lysdexia is a serious mailent attefing munerous people. It's not something to jake mokes about.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-10 10:29:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-10 06:18:17 (#)
Ranking: 2
Tums spelled backwards is smut.
Dyslexics Untied!
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oxo spelled backwards is oxo.
Can I join?
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2006-05-10 09:06:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit.
Submitted by A_D_Sweetmeat (user info) at 2006-05-10 08:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious!
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-05-10 07:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hehehe
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2006-05-10 07:36:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What can I say?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-10 06:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tums spelled backwards is smut.
Dyslexics Untied!
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-05-09 22:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-09 19:33:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm no internet geek. I'm just a pothead that gave up smoking.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-09 19:31:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am Inspector Gadget and Dr. Claw rolled into a neat little package, completely lacking that little know-it-all cunt, Penny. Fuck her and her computer book.
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That show was all about the dog, yes I realize that has nothing to do with the post.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-09 19:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're consistently pretty funny...would I like you in "real life" or are you just one of those computer geek-nerd comic genius' with no real social skills and bad B.O.?
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-05-09 18:49:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Uh huh.
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-05-09 18:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty fucken good actually. Im not sure why. It just was.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-09 18:35:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:09:02 (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Don't you get to kick him in the ass three times and call him a "fag" for looking?
No wait...
*gives you a gander of my "cat brain"*
DUDE. STOP LOOKING AT MY BALLS YOU FAG.
*kicks you twice*
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DOn't you get the most kicks when they look at your "goat"?
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-09 18:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-05-09 18:22:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
at least he didn't sniff it to make sure of what it was
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-09 17:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boys are gross!
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Like me?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:49:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know for a fact.
Bart, are things really that busy in Chi-Town that you're gonna let all these kids sit at the adult table?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:46:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did he veto it or did he just write a memo stating that he's going to sign it, but not actually follow it?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:35:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yuck. but funny.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:26:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah. Bunch of freaking immigrants from other sites. Bart should have never vetoed that legislation.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:19:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it, I was amused.
vicious bunch in here these days
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:09:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice.
Don't you get to kick him in the ass three times and call him a "fag" for looking?
No wait...
*gives you a gander of my "cat brain"*
DUDE. STOP LOOKING AT MY BALLS YOU FAG.
*kicks you twice*
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-09 16:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I thought it was funny. Shows what I know.