The Rude Awakening (731 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 2 on 14 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (View user info) at 2006-05-09 20:01:55 EDT
Now that finals week has come around once again for me, I have a sudden abundance of time on my hands. This begets boredom, which begets B@W, which finally begets ubersite (though I think Bale, Asbel, and Ahara were in there somewhere... Bible reference? Anyone? Buehler? No? Ok then).
It also makes me think back to all the finals weeks past; but one in particular -The Rude Awakening.
It was a Wednesday I think. I had all my finals done and was ready to let off a little steam and go out to the bars. A few of the guys on my floor were ready as well -the hicks across the hall in particular.
Let me tell you what I mean when I say hicks -these guys spent the better part of the year in the room across the hall from me watching NASCAR, "dipping" (which is similar to using chewing tobacco), and drinking Coors Light. When they weren't doing that, they were playing NASCAR on their Playstation, while listening to country music until 3a.m every night. They were definitely good ol' boys -Bubba's as it were.
Shortly after agreeing to go out we all piled into one of their trucks (and yes it did have the number 3 in the back window). At that point in time, I was a mere freshman, and underage, so that meant we could go to only one place: Charlie's.
Charlie's is the place all the underage drinkers go to in town. It's run by a cool, fat, Mexican guy named Charlie, and consists of a porch area, a thirty by ten foot bar area and a limestone basement with an old lumpy pool table. I think they shot part of 'Saw' in the bathroom.
Despite our decrepit surroundings, we stayed for a few hours and started moaning about how tough our finals weeks were, like suburban housewives on their periods.
"Man I just spent 65 out of the last 72 hours in the library; I hope I never have to do anything like this again"
"That's child's play. I had to write two twenty-five thesis papers and then do two finals on top of that.
"That's nothing. I just took five finals in two days -and took Adderall to keep me awake the last four days"
"I sat in my underwear and played NASCAR"
"Fucking Art majors"
Eventually, it got to the point where one of the hicks was getting noticeably trashed in a very small amount of time. Ordinarily I wouldn't mind, but the bastard was drinking up the pitcher before I could get a beer in.
"Hey man, you better slow down a little bit"
"Screw that, I just want to get fucked up and forget today"
"And why's that?"
"I bombed my Chemistry test and now I'm not gonna git into Pharmacy school"
"I'm sorry to hear that -but you're going to be an awful mess tomorrow if you keep putting them away like that"
"Don't you tell me what to do CITY boy! Us country boys know how to hold our liquor"
"Alright man"
About two more sizable pitchers went his way before we were ready to head back home three hours after starting out. I later learned that he had drank about five shots of Jack Daniels before going out to the bars with us. By this time he was about as fucked up as cosmic bowling on shrooms.
In the car he was singing along to the shitty country music, talking about how he thinks his slut of a girlfriend is cheating on him, and yelling at pedestrians -all perfectly acceptable drunk behavior; but when we got home -the shit hit the fan.
Once he got back home he started to walk back and forth from his room and the floor lobby (as the rest of us were watching a movie and eating pizza), all the while frequenting other people's rooms and scaring the straights in general. Little did we know that between his trips back to all of us in the lobby, he was chugging vodka.
After we hadn't seen him for about an hour, we went to investigate what sort of state he was in. To our utter amazement he was safe and sound -passed the fuck out; in his own bed no less.
End of the evening. Everyone goes to bed. End of the story right?
Wrong.
At about 3:30a.m. I hear a knock on my door. It was his three roommates with this bizarre wide eyed look on all their faces.
"Dude -you've got to see this"
I ventured across the hall to their room. They opened the door and a wall of fowl smelling air wafted towards me. 'This is going to be bad', I thought in my head. One of the hicks pointed towards his bedroom. I curiously, but unsurely began to walk towards the bedroom, when one of the hicks stopped me.
"Whoa -WAIT! Don't step there -there's crap on the floor!"
I looked down—and true to his word; there was indeed crap on the floor. Little crap footprints outlined a course from his room to the bathroom. I carefully navigated around said footprints into the room.
I have got to tell you -I have never smelled such a pungent odor in my life. This stuff could've pealed paint of the walls. My eyes wandered about the room, looking for the source -and then there it was a huge pile of smashed shit right by the bed side.
"Oh man -that's awful! Is he alright?"
"Check the bathroom"
I did as they told, once again evading the crap footprints on my way to the bathroom. I once again opened a door, only to be greeted by an equally fowl smell. There he was, on his side, seemingly curled up with the largest pool of vomit I've ever seen. The yellowish, liquid went from his head down to his knees.
Apparently, his roommate was woken up in the middle of the night to a loud thud. This was Mr. I-can-hold-my-liquor's solid dismount off of the top bunk. His roommate really didn't do anything until he started to hear him pissing on his desk.
There the drunk was, bare-assed pissing on his desk. His roommate sat him down on the carpet while he went to get paper towels and salvage all of his doused electronics. In the middle of that juggling act the roommate began to notice a fowl smell coming from behind him. There sat the bare-ass drunk -shit flowing out from his butt crack in every escapable direction (as he was sitting down on the floor at the time).
As this new problem arose, the roommate tried to get the drunk into the bathroom before he caused any more damage. When he tried to stand him up, the drunk dead-fished him -and sat on his roommate's white sheets, smearing them with shit as he fell back to the floor. He eventually got him on his two feet and out the door, but not before the drunk stepped barefoot in his own shit and tracked it in the bathroom.
At that time, his roommate decided the bedroom was a lost cause and tried to get the drunk to take a shower. He got him all cleaned up and decided to camp him out in the bathroom. On his way to get a blanket and a trash can for him, the drunk unloaded his alcohol filled stomach onto the floor. At this point his roommate had had it, and left the other two in charge while he sought out sleeping arrangements for the night.
The funniest thing was the next day though -his roommate said:
"Man, I wouldn't be so pissed off about it, but he shat on my Ethernet cable"
Ahhh, college.
User Reviews
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-11-06 14:47:51 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:05:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The Retaliation Shit:
Take a dump in his boots.
Take a dump on his belt buckle.
He won't be able to do or say anything about it.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:53:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RAAAZOR RAAAAAAAAAAAMON
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2006-05-11 11:49:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I have a mate who shit on the floor of his house while drunk then denied it was shit - said it was vomit. Poo boy has never lived that one down"
Yeah, after it happened he got to clean it all up himself --but that wasn't the worst part. The rest of the week everyone was making snide fecal jokes when he was around. We never directly said that he shat everywhere, but we let him know that we knew about it. Even in the most off topic moments.
*watching CNN*
"Man I can't believe those labor agreements are still going on... the shit must've really hit the fan"
Eventually they got to be pretty obscure --until it died off all together.
Submitted by burt_mianus (user info) at 2006-05-11 04:27:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
genius
Submitted by DrBenway0 (user info) at 2006-05-11 04:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a mate who shit on the floor of his house while drunk then denied it was shit - said it was vomit. Poo boy has never lived that one down
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-10 16:12:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
college hijinx
Submitted by RandytheHelpfulPineapple (user info) at 2006-05-10 12:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"What's with the revival of the pre-5K crowd around here lately?"
Summer is coming around --people have more time on their hands. I can't really post during the school year myself, but it felt good to get back into story telling.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-10 10:28:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I had a story this good to tell.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-10 08:30:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah college...
What's with the revival of the pre-5K crowd around here lately?
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-10 04:54:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scat lovers...
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-09 21:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-09 20:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
See you should never have left. I fucking love that name, LOVE IT.