A Lesson Learned... (longish) (537 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1 on 8 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Creepy_Guy (View user info) at 2006-05-10 16:54:18 EDT
I've lived on a farm for the last 18 years. Yes, there are people who have lived in places MUCH longer than that, but I'm only 23, so it counts for a lot. Early this month, I got settled into a house in the middle of a small city. I never did like living on a farm in the middle of the country that much, so I wasn't there a lot of the time. With that in mind, I didn't think it'd be such a big change. Fuck, I was...fairly wrong. It is SO much easier here. No cows to milk, no getting up at 3 am every day, nothing. None of that.
Still though, I lived there so long (for me, anyway) that it became a great home; a place I'll never forget. When I was six, I remember my dad paying me a dollar every time I ran around the house in a thunderstorm, in the pouring rain. I remember being twelve and falling off the top of a small silo. I've still got the marks from that. I remember turning sixteen and ripping around the yard in one of the family trucks and eventually, passing my driver's test PERFECTLY the first try because of it. There are things you can only learn from being on a farm; I won't easily forget any of them...
I learned that if you make a medium sized dog all spikey with hair gel, he can be pretty fucking frightening. Everything in a three mile radius shits itself. Even badgers (the black and white prarie fucking BEASTS) are afraid of a spikey dog...
Speaking of badgers, they aren't really all that tough. Yeah, they LOOK and SOUND tough, but they're nothing a 12 gauge shotgun won't take care of at four or five paces. I've got the marks from that one, too.
Guns...every self-respecting farmer has guns. Our farm had eleven and I don't think any of them were registered. One was illegal as well; it was this automatic shotgun thing that we found in a dumpster in the city. Took it home, cleaned it up, shot gophers with it.
Gophers are a source of endless fun. They're also a pain in the ass. The best way to deal with them is with a shotgun, obviously, but there are other ways. Home made flame throwers (water gun, gasoline, stick with rag, if you'd like instructions just ask) and napalm also work well.
Speaking of animals, the worst job in existance can be found on a farm. Usually, you'll hear people call it "AI-ing" a cow. It stand for artificial insemination. Basically, you take some bull sperm and jam it up a cow's hoo hoo dilly really, really far. There are vet clinics who have a guy whose ONLY job it to go from farm to farm, ramming cows with his arm.
On that subject, while AI-ing cows, you must wear a special glove, for obvious reasons. The glove is called an AI Glove; more common names are arm protection, cow-banger and hand condom. It is entirely possible for a 6'4 man to have his arm inside a cow all the way up to the shoulder. Our vet however, was a 5'4 Chinese woman, so whatever. Also, if you fill a hand condom full of water and tie the end closed, it makes a pretty fucking good water balloon...
Most farms come with a readily made "outback whackoff shack" as well. A small shack with a bed for...well...yeah. Its there if you need it. Every farm in our area had at least one. Often times, if the family had more than one kid, there was more than one whack off shed. Many virgins have been deflowered in the whack off shacks. And, unless they've moved the shack, many more will be...
Every farm has Pits. The pits are full of shit. Nothing else, just shit. The best $5 I ever spent was to watch a drunk idiot swim around in a pit for a while. Of course we were drunk as well, so when he came out, we thought he was a shit monster and ran. Not the point though.
Not all of us are hicks; not ALL of us. There are a few, but for the most part, farmers are fairly regular people. We're just WAY behind everyone else. We didn't get high speed internet until...last November or something. That's a good example. Plus, its amazing to see the look on people's faces when you cruise around in an old truck, wearing overalls, covered in cow shit, listening to Killswitch Engage. Makes em' think a bit.
User Reviews
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-05-11 10:54:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm willing to bet a substantial amount of money you'll end up living back on a farm at some point.
"You can take the boy out of the country, but you can't take the country out of the boy."
Or whatever the fuck that saying is......
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-10 22:09:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome - we had a dariy farm and the piss and shit sits in a trap or drain that looks like recently layed cement. so people would step in it all the time, and you always had to throw out your shoes, no matter what
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-10 22:06:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-03-01 20:55:19 (#)
Ranking: -2
Longish?
Seriously?
Long it's not.
But long-ISH?
-2 for stupidity
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Or just a 0 because this wasn't half bad.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:21:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Interesting and amusing. Still not envious though.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i like the faces...spooky AND ooky
Submitted by MandaPanda (user info) at 2006-05-10 18:04:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good read.
I wish I could live on a farm.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-10 17:18:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like my family.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-10 17:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want credit for having read this, but I just don't know what it was that I just read so I'm leaving a 0 rating as a sort of abstaining vote and moving along.