Yes Ma'am. I Will Glady Mave Sweet Sweet Love to Your Mammaries (Pic NSFW) (2117 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.22 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Mountain (View user info) at 2006-05-11 18:11:51 EDT
Somewhere around the middle of the day Tuesday, I decided I will not be touching anything related to work on Wednesday and my mug will not be seen anywhere near my office.
I had a few things to get done before I would reward myself with 18 holes of Golfing Pleasure:
-get a haircut
-wash the car
-mow the lawn
-buy an 18 pack of Michelob Ultra to stow away in my golf bag
I roll out of bed around 8 am, throw on whatever clothes are still on the floor from my last day off and head downstairs eagerly anticipating heating up some leftover steak as a tasty side to my morning eggs.
I was to be disappointed.
I opened my fridge only to discover the steak has disappeared.
I flashback to coming home the night before with half a handle of Jim in my stomach, not easing the pain of having watched the Colorado Avalanche have their asses handed to them for the third straight game, rather doing its best to pickle my liver. I stumbled through the entryway and immediately start shedding clothes.
I don't know why, but that's always the first thing I do when I come home drunk.
There I am, eating my precious leftover steak in my boxers, not even enjoying the taste.
I won't let it get me down, oh no. Today I will not be working. Today is a good day.
I spitefully make and eat my eggs, then it's upstairs to run my head under the faucet to shampoo my hair without actually having to take a shower. I want to have my hair nice and easy to cut, but the first thing I'm going to do is hop in the shower after my haircut, so I'm not going to waste time taking multiple showers.
There was only about a 10 minute wait at the nearby Cost Cutters ($14 for a haircut? Sign me up. If I could cut my own hair I would, I keep it pretty short) and I find myself sitting explaining, "I just want a five guard on top blended down to a one guard on the sides" in no time.
The lady cutting my hair is probably in her mid-thirties and easy on the eyes. She has this irresistible accent, Peruvian I believe. She puts the apron over me, but this is no normal apron. It's thick like leather, although we all know the only leather in Cost Cutters will be on the backs of their patrons.
Fuck. It might as well have been one of those shield-apron things you have to put over your nuts when you have X-rays on the lower half of your body. I was not comfortable.
When I first walked in, I remember I thought to myself, "Why wouldn't they prop the door open on such a nice day? It's hot as shit in here."
I can feel the beads of sweat beginning to make their effort to escape from the pores of my skin and I start to panic. I like to think I'm a pretty conscious person and I imagine what it must be like to have to cut someone's hair while their sweating. Finding hair in unwanted places is bad enough, but someone else's sweaty hair all over you probably sucks somethin' fierce. This thought, combined with her overall "if-I-were-to-have-sex-with-someone-ten-years-my-senior-it'd-be-you" exotic attractiveness, probably only aided those beads of sweat flee like a bunch of Mexicans when someone yells "La Migra!"
Let's not forget the leftover alcohol in my body is probably stinking up the place like a Canadian brothel. Man, it sucks that you normally can't smell your own overboozed odor. I can't tell if I reek of it or not and it's only adding to my anxiety. I consider faking some sort of emergency, but that would mean I couldn't ever show my face around here again and this is the one closest to my house. That, and I'd be running around with half of a haircut and have to come up with some explanation for the next hair stylist.
"Are you too hot?" She says in that delicious accent.
"It's this apron, it's-"
"Don't worry sweetie, I go prop door open." If she is indeed sickened by my sweating or suspected odor, she's hiding it extremely well. After that simple exchange and the way she was smiling as she opened the door, I have no worries that she's offended in any way.
Thank the sweet Lord.
The breeze hits me like a sheet of ice water and my body temperature quickly returns to good 'ol 98 degrees Fahrenheit.
I don't know if Peruvians see sweat as some sort of aphrodisiac, but this woman was rubbing my head like she was expecting to see the future.
We get to talking and she's insanely charismatic. Normally, charisma is something that's wasted on me being in the business I'm in, but I am undeniably infatuated with this woman. Turns out, her brother is in Real Estate as well and I instantly recognize his name; he's pretty high on the totem pole for the third largest/successful commercial brokerage in Colorado. He moved her out here about eight years ago and paid for her education. I want to ask why the fuck she's working at a Cost Cutters when her brother easily makes seven figures, but I refrain. I continue asking open ended question after open ended question just to hear that beautiful accent roll off her tongue.
When she giggles at something she finds funny in her stories or mine, I feel I could die a happy death.
I watch her hands work as we continue our conversation and the diligence with which they work is borderline arousing (I guess I've always had a thing for women's hands though, so this isn't so abnormal for me). This is hands down (wicked pun!), THE FINEST $14 haircut ever given to man.
The haircut is over, but I don't want it to be. I think everyone's shared a moment like this with a stranger where you know if your turn around and leave, you could be possibly walking out on one of life's more poignant experiences.
"You want shampoo?"
GOD, YES. YES. I WANT SHAMPOO.
"Sure."
Every woman I've ever known intimately quickly learned they'd get more moans out of me rubbing the head above my shoulders rather than the one between my legs.
Needless to say, it takes every ejaculatory-preventative thought I've ever had to repress the stirring in my loins summoned by her meticulous hands, but I make it through two shampoos and one conditioner without so much as a whimper. I doubt all her customers are afforded three vigorous head rubbings where she attentively massages all of the head's erogenous zones: behind my ears, my temples and the hairline in the middle of the back of my neck.
...well, maybe. I dunno.
(Here's a question for the UberChicks - do you gently brush your lovely mammaries against guys that you like on purpose? Because she took just about every opportunity to do just that. Am I getting ahead of myself here, or is that an open invitation?)
She towels me off and we head to the cash register. Here's a defining moment for me: If I tip too much will she think that I think she's a whore? Was this whole thing just intended to illicit a fat tip and I'm an arrogant prick? If I don't tip enough will she think I'm a worthless fuckwad?
The bill was $18 and some change (additional charge for the shampoo), but I would have gladly paid two or three times more and she would have deserved every cent. So, I tip $7 and slide her my business card along with the receipt.
"I've met (Brother's Name) through a couple real estate gatherings. Please tell him 'Hi' for me?"
"I'm sure he will be thankful for that."
It's a good thing I'm leaving. I don't know how much more of that voice I can take.
"Thank you," and I pause just a second or two longer than most conversation conclusions, smiling.
She smiles back during my slight hesitation - maybe recognizing it, perhaps thinking I'm a fool, "You're welcome."
...and she puts the card in the front pocket of her smock.
I got everything accomplished on my list of things to do, but couldn't stop wondering if she was in to me or thinking I was an asshat.
I even managed to score a 90 (+18) out on the Links. Bogey Golf for me is amazing... I think I'll be framing my score card.
User Reviews
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Looks like the girl in the pic could do with a bit of a trim herself.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:33:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can relate to most of this. Leftovers that are no longer "left" and just "over", being pretty happy with bogey golf, digging an accent...
One thing though: I cut my own hair. I have found that, 9 of 10 times, a $14 haircut is worse than if I, literally, take scissors and just start cutting. 'Cause that's pretty much how I do it.
Another thing: If you didn't get that pic off the Net, then what magazine did you get it from?
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:09:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-11 22:10:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
4. i didn't get the pic off the internet.
====================================================
now I'm curious to see what other pics you have in your collection...
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:57:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-12 06:30:57 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-11 22:22:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:24:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture, I didn't read any of it
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she liked your smell
Submitted by frankenstein (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Where is this place ? I think it's time I get a haircut.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-12 06:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool beans.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-12 06:30:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-11 22:22:05 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:24:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture, I didn't read any of it
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-11 22:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:24:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture, I didn't read any of it
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-11 22:10:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:37:01 (#)
Ranking: -2
Jeezfuck where'd you find pictures of nekkid boobiez on teh intarweb?!!!1!1!!!one!
-----------------------------
skrapmetal: "HEEEEEEEY!"
(see below)
You know what, fella?
1. you didn't read the post, you clicked on it so you could see the "Pic NSFW."
2. because of no. 1, I am lead to believe Uber is your main porn source.
3. the pic tied into the title perfectly.
4. i didn't get the pic off the internet.
At any rate, I wouldn't recommend you read the post because it might remind you of your sad state of affairs. So, I hope your rating made you feel better.
...you need it.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-11 21:26:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this story. I liked that picture.
Go get her, dude. You made her sound pretty damn sexy.
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-11 21:24:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
(Here's a question for the UberChicks - do you gently brush your lovely mammaries against guys that you like on purpose? Because she took just about every opportunity to do just that. Am I getting ahead of myself here, or is that an open invitation?)
------
If a girl doesn't like you, she will go out of her way to make sure that no part of her ever touches you longer than is absolutely necessary. Especially bewbs.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-05-11 20:43:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it all because my attention span is exceptionally short but the thing where you wake up looking foward to awesome leftovers only to find they're gone is heartbreaking. When I wake up, and someone else ate my pizza, I cry.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-11 20:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I got an appointment with a pretty girl last time I got my haircut, but:
a. She is 5+ years older than I am
b. She left the hair on the back of my head longer, so now a mullet is brewing back there
I want to grow my hair out long again but I'm applying for a job and if there's an interview I don't want to look like that much of a scumbag.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-05-11 20:30:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The picture wasn't too big Doodles. Actually the picture was just right.
Eh...I dont know. I liked the story and all but there were some parts I had to fight through. I kept skipping forward and tempting that back button on my browser but it held my attention long enough to finish it up. +1 I think.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 19:47:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
All right then let's do some math.
+4 for the post
-2 for typo in title
-1 for a picture that was made to big
__________________________________
+1
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-11 19:31:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lucky you.
I just get big gay Otto when I get my locks trimmed
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-11 19:07:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:29:38 (#)
Ranking: 2
(Here's a question for the UberChicks - do you gently brush your lovely mammaries against guys that you like on purpose? Because she took just about every opportunity to do just that. Am I getting ahead of myself here, or is that an open invitation?)
=============================================================
YES
____________________________________________
yes, open invitation.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-11 19:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
that's my kind of pic
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:37:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Jeezfuck where'd you find pictures of nekkid boobiez on teh intarweb?!!!1!1!!!one!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:25:49 (#)
Ranking: -2
Nah
------------------------------------
Me: "All the haters in the house say, 'HEEEEEEY!'"
Fungah: "HEEEEEEY!"
Dude... the pic alone constitutes a 0 or better and YOU KNOW THIS. Are you a chick or something?
*weeps*
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
(Here's a question for the UberChicks - do you gently brush your lovely mammaries against guys that you like on purpose? Because she took just about every opportunity to do just that. Am I getting ahead of myself here, or is that an open invitation?)
=============================================================
YES
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:25:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Nah
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:24:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
...and then after that I Will Gladly *MAKE* Sweet Sweet Love to Your Sister's Mammaries.
Stupid backstabbing fingers.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the picture, I didn't read any of it
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-11 18:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tee-hee