Pneumatic Tube Terrorism (1189 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: healthcare_tales
Rating: 1.95 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2006-05-11 23:13:53 EDT
Although I'm sure it has been stated before (and with more eloquence than I possess) that no matter how sophisticated a piece of technology is, there will inevitably be some dumbass who finds a novel way to abuse it. Another statement that can be piggybacked onto the first one is; that the said dumbasses posses more capacity for mischief than they do for planning, strategy, and stealth. But we'll get to that later.
Incidentally, the above statements are part of my personal T.O.E. (Theory of Everything)
The original intent of my hospital's administration to install a pneumatic tube system was to expedite delivery of paperwork, drugs, laboratory specimens, and other smallish hospital things between departments. I thought it was neat-o keen that I could send tubes of blood via pneumatic tubes back to the lab without having to actually walk them back myself. This way I can draw more patients in less amount of time. Of course, this means that someone back at the lab will have to open the pneumatic capsule, receive the specimens, and start the processing.
The first subtle indication that something was wrong was the screaming and cursing by my co-worker, Nicolle. I was doing my monthly expiration date check on our chemicals, pondering if chloroform on a rag could really knock someone out within a matter of seconds, when a pneumatic tube dropped into the holding window. Since she was closer and I was joyfully clinking bottles of explosive and corrosive chemicals around, she got up from her workstation to receive the Biohazard Red capsule.
A scream of repulsion and hatred echoed through the lab almost causing me to drop an entire gallon of formaldehyde on the floor (which would surely have shattered). All the rest of us lab employees stopped what we were doing and rushed over to see what had bit Nicolle on her ass.
An empty pneumatic capsule lay on the floor and Nicolle was cursing and stomping around in front of the pneumatic tube outlet. At first we couldn't figure out what was wrong, and then the smell hit us. A particularly odiferous fart!
"Jesus, Nicolle!" I said covering my nose and mouth with my hand. I blinked at her with astonishment. She wasn't having any of it.
"It wasn't ME, Bonnie!" She said disgusted that I could even think such a thing.
"Ewww, what the hell happened then?!" asked Susan also covering her nose and mouth.
Nicolle explained that as she opened the capsule, a farty wave enveloped her head, caused her to drop the capsule to the floor, and declare (loudly);
"SOME NASTY BASTARD FARTED IN THE CAPSULE AND THEN SENT IT THROUGH THE DAMN TUBE SYSTEM! GROSS MOFO! SHEEEEEET! NOW I GOTTA SPIT MY GUM OUT!"
We couldn't help but snicker a little.
"QUIT LAUGHIN'! IT AIN'T FUNNY DAMMIT!"
We sprayed aerosol antibacterial spray in the area, sent her on a break to cool down, and went on about our business.
With the hospital grapevine being what it is, it wasn't long before Nicolle's fart bomb story spread throughout the hospital. Surprisingly other stories of unwary employees getting fart bombed via the pneumatic tube system started pouring in. Nicolle no longer felt so alone anymore.
Now, I knew that a fart could be trapped, but only in theory. I didn't really think it could actually work as efficiently as it obviously was.
Predictably, people began growing afraid of the pneumatic capsules that dropped into their unit's outlets. No one wanted to be the unlucky one that received a fart bomb. Employees began getting into arguments over whose turn it was to answer the tube alarms. This, of course, is the whole point of terrorism, is it not? To induce the fear of a random attack into people to the point where they become afraid of what was once routine and mundane surroundings.
Because of this, lower level administration worked with hospital security to catch the fart bomber. This much they knew; whoever it was, worked the evening shift (all the attacks occurred between 2:00 pm and 11:00 pm) and whoever it was obviously could move freely around the hospital without attracting attention. This was determined by tracking the origins of the fart bombs. They always originated from different places.
For weeks no progress was made in catching the bomber and people were still getting hit. Then just today, it was quietly announced (via the gossip grapevine) that the fart bomber had been caught and terminated. The identity of the bomber sent a shockwave throughout the hospital.
It was one of the security officers! Not only that, the officer in question was always very polite and rather reserved. But isn't that just the way? It's always those quiet ones!!
A nurse on her way back from the cafeteria used a shortcut through the ob/gyn outpatient clinic. The clinic shuts down at 5:00 pm and the hallway that leads to the nurse's unit was on the other side of it. So, as she was returning to her unit after her dinner break, she thought she'd go through the closed clinic.
According to her, she rounded a corner and discovered the security officer with his uniform trousers pulled down, and an open pneumatic tube pressed up against his anus. She said they were both too shocked to move at first, but then she ran as fast as she could back to her unit where she proceeded to call the Director of Shift Operations.
Shitcanned!!!!!
Now, the first thing that occurred to me is that the fart bomber did not plan the attacks out very well. For if he had, he would have steered clear of that clinic after hours. Many people use it as a shortcut. Secondly, he should have ceased fart bombing with as great of frequency once the story of the attacks got out. It would have been better to stop the attacks and let everyone be lulled back into a feeling of safety and then start them back up.
You see? He possessed more of a capacity for mischief than he did for planning, strategy, and stealth.
I dunno, maybe it's just me, but the last thing I'd think of to use a pneumatic tube system for is sending farts.
Personally, I'd stuff it full of startling, jumping things that burst forth when the tube was opened. Like the snakes that pop out of a can of peanuts.
But as I said, that's just me.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2007-01-10 11:12:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-26 01:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
RANDOM +2!
Submitted by Saxon (user info) at 2006-05-16 01:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:35:04 (#)
Ranking: 2
BOYS ARE GROSS!!!
------------------------
hahahahaha
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-12 15:08:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Further investigation revealed: The security guard spent inordinate amounts of money at local mexican restaurants during lunch.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A scream of repulsion and hatred echoed through the lab almost causing me to drop an entire gallon of formaldehyde on the floor (which would surely have shattered).
_____________________________
That would reek more than the fart bombs. Lack of face masks while dissecting dead things in Anatomy/Physiology last year meant fun times for Mr. Sparkle.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:58:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
DANG, I actually have a story similar to this that I've been working on, but more disgusting...
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:35:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOYS ARE GROSS!!!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
According to her, she rounded a corner and discovered the security officer with his uniform trousers pulled down, and an open pneumatic tube pressed up against his anus.
---
There's something so clinical about dropping the word 'anus' here. Made me choke on my gum.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:45:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wrong
right
both
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:32:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy shit that is funny
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:29:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
can't... stop... laughing....
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-05-12 10:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am laughing so hard I'm in tears! My ex-wife used to work at a hospital that had those tubes, I can only imagine doing that to the asshats she worked with.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-05-12 09:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SiskelandFatboy (user info) at 2006-05-12 08:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like he needs to change his diet. Producing that many foul emmissions would indicate an unhealthy diet consisting of Frito's corn chips and M&M's.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2006-05-12 08:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-05-12 08:56:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Crazy hospital workers. We give you a brand new tube system and you use it for fucking off.
I love it.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-12 08:30:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I had to take off a point because of the lack of pictures of your ass in this post. Sorry, toots.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2006-05-12 06:56:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I really like that Doodles character.
Another good post my deary.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-12 04:52:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There was a show where they were launched at really really high speed and kept maiming people. That sounds good to me. It would be like a V2 rocket. You'd load it with payload and then fire it at an unsuspecting department. HR would receive nine or ten per hour I reckon. Bastards.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-12 04:48:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I played Grim Fandango and now I really want one of those message tube thingys.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-12 04:44:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read this earlier, but apparently didn't rate it. We don't have message tubes here. We used to apparently. I presume something similar happened and they had to get rid of them. How good would emails be if you could do a similar thing?
I guess the equivelent is sending folks lemonparty or that zit thingy.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-12 04:22:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the best stories ever. That said though, isn't firing the bloke going a bit far? I mean it was a bit of a joke and it was very, very funny.
Rules are rules I guess.
Submitted by VelvetElvis (user info) at 2006-05-12 01:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
She blinded me with science.
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-05-12 00:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Doodles, you forgot one.
Anthrax.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
All right things I have thought of that could be placed in an a tube you can't see through:
1.Severed baby doll head
2.box of condoms
3.dildos
4.used hypodermic needles (not suggested)
5.diapers
6.love letters
7.hate letters
8.things you want to say 'but are to pussy for people to know that you think that' letters
9.candy
10.Small Bird (not suggested; animal cruelty)
11.home made sex tapes
12.Skeletor action figures
13.pocket lint
14.ciggerets
15.beer
16.food
17.deflated blow up dolls
18.those sex flashlight things
19.midgets (not suggested)
20.lingerine
21.pennies (lets face it, no one wants to have fucking pennies anyway)
22.birthday/christmas presents
23.1/10 of peon's cleavage (that is sadly all that would fit)
24.a remote control car with a camera attached
25.a joy buzzer
26.books
27.Urbane's snatch (not suggested; cruel and unusual punishment)
28.cupcakes
29.air freshener
30.random trash
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Huh well I guess it would all depend on if the tube is clear, or made of a colored plastic.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:34:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry. I'm retarded. Have a +2, not that it will do anything.
I suppose you could put a black box filled with used needles in the tube though.. *ponders*
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn it, I was going to hope they were bigger, and say put a severed baby doll (like those chocking ones)head in there with fake entrails coming out of a jagged neck line. But then I'm fucked up.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, but with better seals
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-11 23:27:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How big are they? Like the ones at the bank, or what?