Hey! Get Your Hand Out of Ass!! (1115 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.38 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (View user info) at 2006-05-12 11:53:18 EDT
I've been violated.
Someone violated me in my own home. I shouldn't have to watch my ass in my own house, unless the gay couple from next door stops over for Cosmopolitans. At least they follow the common courtesy of a reach around.
I allowed guests into my home and they violated the sanctity of my wallet.
Let me explain what a man's wallet is for those of you lacking a second "evil" brain.
A man's wallet creates a tilt to the world whenever he sits down. Containing business cards of strippers and various midgets for hire, it is a collection of all things personal to be kept close to his metaphorical heart. Now, those questioning this metaphorical heart so to speak, should realize that the fastest way to get into a man's heart is not through his stomach (read: belly button) as you women have been ill-advised by the old colloquialism. That is only one way. You can cut his chest open. But, a secret door opens right in the genital area for those special individuals that know how to work it. From there, an express elevator operates directly into the chest cavity which is why so many men get lust and love confused. Ladies, I implore that you do not fault us for this.
A wallet is kept in the back pocket, in which I know of no correlation as to which pocket it is kept in based on a man's right or left handedness. Holy crap! Handedness is a word. No squiggly little red lines here! Squiggly is a word too? Two for two! Soup's on, bitches. Wallet. Ass. Ok, I'm back on track.
If the stomach is ONE of the quickest ways to a man's heart, than the ass, or as we scientists call it rec-tum, is the exit pathway. Dependent upon orientation, the ass could be used as an entrance. In summary:
Let S = Stomach, Let A = Ass, Let H = Heart and Let W = Wallet
S + H = AW
See, the W is close to the A; hence they're "near" each other. We all know that A&W kicks ass, too because root beer floats on a Friday night with your friends is something to treasure. My logic is infallible.
So, my girl went to the club last night with two of her friends. My house is closer so I allowed them all to crash there. My girl crawls in bed with me at 2:30 and her friends crashed on the couches. Two girls and I know one girl's father, mother, grandparents - her whole family - and they're all cops. The other, I don't know so well (read: at all). I woke this morning to find my sanctity rifled through and disheveled.
The wallet was open. Credit cards were moved. Nothing appeared missing. I guess that I should check for other missing things throughout my house.
I'll be watching my statements, you little bitch. If you try anything, it would be ill-advised. I have two people to choose from for the exacting of my sweaty vengeance. I guess that I shouldn't have tea-bagged them while they were sleeping. I should have taken pictures. The girl in question looked so funny with a Roman Soldier Helmet!
User Reviews
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-05-15 14:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
alba +2
Submitted by munkeypants (user info) at 2006-05-14 17:53:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Post was good. Comments were even better.
+2's all around!
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-13 20:33:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I was the world's first anal birth" made me laugh.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 16:11:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Good Conversation enders:
...so that's when the doctor told me that lots of people have warts on their anus and I have nothing to worry about.
...the reason why it smells is that I sharted earlier, and you wouldn't let me leave, so I've been sitting in shit all day! Funny, huh?
...So I guess that the world may never know why semen tastes so good on bread.
...I was the world's first anal birth.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-12 15:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good Conversation Starters:
...so I'm balls deep in this 9 year old...
...so this chick at the retirement home is gummin' me, right and...
...so I'm elbow deep when his Mom walks in and...
...so I've almost got it completely shuved up there when...
...so right as I'm about to slice his achillies I hear this noise...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-12 15:47:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
chicks love to go through a guy's wallet - they just do.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 15:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My proctologist is also a hypnotist. He told me that he makes think I'm a puppet, sticks his hand up my ass and puts on a little show for all the people with ass problems in the waiting room.
I could be mad at him for this. It makes feel like I'm helping out, though. Like really lifting people's spirits.
Everyone must do their part. My part involves having someone elbow deep in my asshole, lifting the spirits of forlorn asses.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-12 14:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
make me!
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-12 14:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:41:00 (#)
Ranking: 2
I still read the title "Hey Get Your Hand OUTTA My Ass" until you pointed it out.
It's all good though.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 14:03:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
LOUD NOISES!!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I still read the title "Hey Get Your Hand OUTTA My Ass" until you pointed it out.
It's all good though.
RUBBER BABY BUMPER BUGGIES, BITCH.
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-05-12 13:31:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i chuckled. i like the A&W logic.
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"My logic is infallible."
- yes, oddly enough it seems to be [squinting eyes and looking suspicious] I got my eye on you....
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Roman Soldier Helmet
Reach Around
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81303
I feel Christmas-sy.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's why I went for funny first. Then the story. SO. FUCKING. BORED. NOW.
Maybe, I'll carve a few ex's names into my flacid penis.
Submitted by ubetidid (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:16:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lots of wierd things can happen at co-ed pj parties.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:14:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
See, the W is close to the A; hence they're "near" each other. We all know that A&W kicks ass, too because root beer floats on a Friday night with your friends is something to treasure. My logic is infallible.
+
i read this, and stopped reading, that way it couldn't suck.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:04:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My stupid lock button is stuck. I feel like such an asshole for leaving the wallet on my coffee table.
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:02:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I am bored.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:02:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I CAN'T HELP IT, MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON IS STUCK
forgive me
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 12:00:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:58:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's dark and dank in here.
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS
Submitted by EatMeCompletely (user info) at 2006-05-12 11:53:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I fucked up the title. FUCK!