UberTwilightZone - "Lashed To The Mast" (899 hits)
Category: Movies & TVRating: 1.63 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JonnyX (View user info) at 2006-05-15 17:14:05 EDT
EPISODE 6
AIR DATE ##/##/06
SCRIPT - FOURTH REVISION
WORKING TITLE - "Lashed To The Mast"
V/O
ROD BOSHMAN: "This is Mr. Bradley Linzy, age twenty-seven, and where some men leave a mark of their lives as a record of their fragmentary existence on Earth, this man leaves a blot, a dirty, discolored blemish to document a cheap and undistinguished sojourn amongst his betters."
<PAUSES TO LIGHT SIX CIGARETTES>
"What you're about to watch in this basement is a strange, mortal combat between a man and himself, for in just a moment Mr. Bradley Linzy, whose life has been given over to fighting adversaries, will find his most formidable opponent in a basement that is in reality the outskirts of the Twilight Zone."
INTRO:INTERIOR VIEW - BASEMENT ROOM
DISSOLVE TO 'The Evansville, Indiana STAR-LEDGER, with headline reading BUSH TO ADDRESS NATION TODAY - NATIONAL GUARD TO PATROL BORDERS'
CAMERA PANS around the unkempt room, SLOW PAN and lingering on hundreds of clipped articles and papers with violent red circles arounf key portions.
We hear tapping at a keyboard and CAMERA ZOOMS IN on the back of someone sitting at a computer screen, and then CAMERA PIVOTS to POV VIEW FROM COMPUTER MONITOR, and we see our protagonist BRADLEY LINZY, whose face is lit by the cathode-ray screen. He is wearing a green sweater and a tin-foil hat. He is quickly typing something, but the audience cannot see it.
BRAD: "There! All finished! My latest scathing review of Bush's criminal violation of the Posse Comitatus Act all safely posted on moveonexceptforliberals.org!
<SIGHS>
If only those fools at Ubersite would listen to me, they would KNOW I am right...however, I cannot post there anymore. They've ignored me for long enough! I must lash myself to the mast, like Odysseus, and forswear the temptation of posting on Ubersite. They'll just have to learn to live without my wisdom! Those fools! I tried to warn them, but they wouldn't listen...they'll be sorry someday soon enough!!!
CAMERA SLOWLY PANS IN and we see Brad's face tremble with rage.
The COMPUTER CHIMES that it has received an email, and CAMERA PIVOTS POV to see the screen.
BRAD: "Hmm, what this? An email from...it can't be...curious. How to see the future, go to http:/www.magiccueball.com..hmm why not?"
He clicks on the link, and reaches behind him to grab a Diet Coke. The CAMERA ZOOMS in on the screen, and we see the URL resolve to www.nsa.mil/langley/newarkproject/gh76gFG.html, and then back to a black screen reading 'MagicCueBall.com'. BRAD sees none of this, being distracted.
BRAD: "So, what do we have here?"
CAMERA ALTERNATES POV FROM SCREEN TO HIS FACE
BRAD is looking at a black screen that says 'MagicCueBall.com', and in the middle of the screen, is a box that starts with HTTP://
BRAD: "Aha, a mysterious oracle to see the future! Obviously, I type in the URL, and it will show me how a website will look in the future! Well, there is only one place I want to see."
BRAD types in, spelling aloud
BRAD: "U-B-E-R-S-I-T-E dot com"
As he hits the enter key, the familiar blue and white page of Ubersite displays before him.
BRAD squints at the screen.
BRAD: "Heh, same old crap, those stupid sheep - hey wait, this has tomorrow's date on it!"
After 5 seconds, the page refreshes, and we see a new set of posts, all with the next day's date on them.
BRAD: "This is fantastic!" BRAD tries typing and using the mouse, but has no control over the input - the keyboard has no effect.
BRAD settles in to watch the screen as it slowly changes from day to day, every 5 seconds. We see him scan the post titles.
BRAD: "Hm, now I can see if they really miss me!"
A FEW MOMENTS PASS, and then
BRAD: <READING ALOUD> "HAR HAR WOMBAT....Fun with Mayonnaise Jars...Why I Miss my Boyfriend...Penos Enhancing Techniques (NSFW)...<GRUNTS> I still see Uber is gonna be the same old shit."
He absently stabs at the down arrow on his keyboard, and finds he can now fast-forward through the scrolling entries!
BRAD: "Excellent! Now let's go forward a year or two, and see what happens then!"
He holds his finger down until the dates on the screen correspond with the end of the month of August, 2008.
BRAD: "Okay, let's see what's going on now!!!"
He LEANS IN TOWARDS THE CAMERA which is POV of the computer screen, and begins to read the post headers aloud to himself, skipping up and down the screen, as the screen still advances every 5 seconds...
BRAD:" Drive Stalls on Tehran - We Need to End This NOW!...
My Tante went to Tel Aviv, and all she brought me back was this radioactive shirt...
Can they REALLY draft me?...
10 Funny Things Overheard at Vice-President Cheney's Funeral...
Where are we gonna get our Wetbacks now that the Border is Closed??...
Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun, Jeb Bush appointed as Vice-President!...
FINALLY! Gas for under $4 a Gallon!...
Donate to the Orphans of the Firebombing of Qum...
Bush Promises 'Total Withdrawal' from the Mid-East when Iran is 'secured', yea right...
CIA offically reorganized until Military control, what's that all about...
Seriously guys, I'm not registering, who can I crash with in Canada?...
OMG OMG IS ANYBODY IN BOSTON WTF HAPPENED...
JonnyX, was that close to you?...
Logan Tunnel explosion NOT an accident!...
Jack McCallum's Bird's-Eye Account of the Golden Gate Collapse...
Apollo, are you alright? Perhaps it's time to come home...
Bush to address Nation at 6 tonight, GO USA WOO! another MSPaint masterpeice...
First Hiroshima, then Nagasaki, now Tehran, where does it end, folks?...
Check this sign out, I'm paying $8 a gallon! (camwhore)...
Um, can someone explain this National Security Directive to me? Other than the policeman that is in my house right now?...
Fuck this, I'm gonna dodge the draft!...
ON NOES THEY GOT THE SPACE NEEDLE...
That's it, I'm never getting on an airplane again...
Hey asshole, my cousin was on Flight 288, so can you cut the shit?...
Did you get this email too? National Surveillance Bureau? what the FUCK is that?...
DISNEYLAND??? OK, THOSE FUCKIN RAGHEADS HAVE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME...
Waitaminute, can they SERIOUSLY postpose the election????
BartBart, what happened in Chicago, are you okay???????<WEEPS>
All of a sudden, the computer screen stops scrolling, we see the last entry BUSH FEDERALIZES NATIONAL GUARD, DECLARES MARTIAL LAW IN 18 STATES.
BRAD looks at the screen in total horror and disbelief.
BRAD: "Oh...My....God..."
The computer screen goes back to black, and green letters begin typing on the screen:
WHO IS THIS? YOU ARE NOT AUTHORIZED TO VIEW THIS WEBSITE - STAY WHERE YOU ARE, AGENTS WILL BE DISPATCHED TO YOUR LOCATION.
The computer then types out FORMAT C:/*.*, and starts whirring as it formats its own hard drive of its own accord.
We hear the low chop-chop of a helicopter in the background, and BRAD jumps up and RUNS OFF-CAMERA, SCREAMING.
PAN TO DISSOLVE
V/O
ROD BOSHMAN: "Exit Mr. Brad Linzy, formerly a reflection in a computer screen, a fragment of someone else's conscience, a wishful thinker made out of glass, but now made out of flesh and on his way to join the company of men. Mr. Brad Linzy, with one foot through the door and one foot out of the Twilight Zone."
<LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE AND NODS IN AGREEMENT>
A CAYUGA PRODUICTION
User Reviews
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-05-17 11:39:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have a plus one
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-05-17 11:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-16 17:52:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-05-16 16:51:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
you left me out, wtf man? i thought we had something, you and me?
-------
what?
you mean you wear a tinfoil hat too?
I didn't think you were crazy like ETS.
====
Revenge -2s suck balls.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-05-17 01:10:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by G-prime (user info) at 2006-05-16 16:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you left me out, wtf man? i thought we had something, you and me?
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-05-16 15:13:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:58:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought I +2ed this.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:04:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hmm, I might have to do more of these - it just popped into my head, and I cranked it out.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<LIGHTS UP A CIGARETTE AND NODS IN AGREEMENT>
--
im clapping exitedly
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-15 21:22:14 (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:45:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I peed a little.
OK, a lot.
_______________________________
Will you send me the panties?
------------
Actually I wear Depends
Submitted by no_one (user info) at 2006-05-16 09:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-16 05:42:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-16 05:39:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-05-16 05:27:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by w_t_a_y_s_t_r_m (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Thiefing gibbon! http://www.ubersite.com/m/74605
Only yanking ya clank, I know ya didn't thief it, sire. Just a good excuse to linkwhore
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 02:13:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My Tante went to Tel Aviv, and all she brought me back was this radioactive shirt
""
As long as the "All I got" is still in the titles in 2008, I will be a happy man!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-15 23:18:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hey man this was pretty bosh
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-15 21:23:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Two fuckups and then this?
Seriously, Johnny, how old ARE you?
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-15 21:22:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:45:32 (#)
Ranking: 2
I peed a little.
OK, a lot.
_______________________________
Will you send me the panties?
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-15 20:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor ETS. The green sweater made me laugh hysterically for some reason.
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2006-05-15 18:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Heh
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-15 18:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<PAUSES TO LIGHT SIX CIGARETTES>
Submitted by awesome_face (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I give you 2 count em 2 cameos in my god damn posts!
And you can't even write something about me getting my ass kicked again!
FUCK YOU!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:49:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This could have also been titled 'Rock N' Roll ..INTO THE FUTURE!!'
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:46:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just lit up 4 cigarettes and am nodding in agreement
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I peed a little.
OK, a lot.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:44:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I think I liked the one with no content better.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
kickass.
Submitted by ConorJS (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:43:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ETS is about to overtake Rizzo on MVA. And he stopped posting. Heh!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:23:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:16:19 (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf happened the first two times?
-------
I was just setting it up, and keyboard went apeshit and double-entered a blank post.
Believe me, I'm more pissed than you are...
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some artiste (Fungah?) put a movie on Uber the other day. You should use his software to make this a vid. It'd be large watchable. Seriously.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-15 17:16:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wtf happened the first two times?