The Auto-Mechanic: You Could Pay $580 To Get Fucked By A Hooker, But Then Again, They Probably Wouldn't Use Axle Grease (1418 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.82 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2006-05-16 03:55:03 EDT
The term, "Car Trouble" I believe, is redundant. Or at least inter-changeable.
It seems to me that every time I have ever taken my car anywhere, it turns into a fucking crisis. My brakes have been squealing something terrible as of late. Now I have just installed a new DVD with some kick-ass surround sound, so I usually just turn the stereo up to solve the problem. However, Summer is here and I usually opt to ride with the windows down rather than blasting the A/C, no particular reason, just a personal choice. Now that the noise from my brakes are overpowering the 750 watts of power, (that and the fact that I have been getting strange looks from folks on the side of the road) I figured it was high time that I replaced my brake pads.
Now, I don't have a particular mechanic that I take my car to, and taking your car anywhere but "your mechanic" can bear serious consequences. I consulted with my father, who happens to have lived in this area since our family moved from overseas, because he has his "own mechanic" that he has been using for about 30 years. My father ranted and raved about how he is the only mechanic he would ever take any of his vehicles to, and he would "hook me up".
This is where I believe me and my father differ greatly, his definition of getting "Hooked up", and mine.
I have friends that work in all sorts of industries, most importantly the bar industry, and when I get "hooked up", it generally means that I have either no bill at the end of the night, or at the very least, a ridiculously discounted bill, and appreciation is shown in form of a ridiculously overcompensated tip. It works out well for everybody, I'm happy, the bartender is happy, and we all walk out of the place with a shit-eating grin on our faces. I figured, this was the type of "hooking up" my father was talking about.
I was wrong.
Apparently, getting "Hooked up" (By the way, is anyone else getting sick of the "" around the term "Hooked up"? Yeah, me too) by my father's mechanic is having said mechanic use some sort of lubricant before he intrudes your anus, as you will come to see.
If I would have gone to a local brake shop, a four wheel disc brake job will set you back about $120-$200 depending on who you take it to, which isn't bad for them being as a set of brake pads only costs around $40 and it takes all of 20 minutes to install four of them.
A nice feature of my car is, instead of using a C-clamp to release the piston that holds the pad in place, there is a retractable set screw that, when depressed, disengages the piston. It is a pretty common feature on most cars built after 2000. Of course to know this, you would have to either be an auto-mechanic, or at least have a set of eyeballs capable of perceiving depth. I won't say which one, but the man that was working on my brakes was short one of these requirements.
Now, I didn't say anything when I happened to glance into the garage and saw him cranking down on the caliper with a C-clamp like he was buttoning down the hatch of a diving submarine, partially because I didn't want to bring shame to my father by calling his mechanic a short bus riding window licker, but also because, in retrospect, I'm an idiot.
After tussling with the caliper for around an hour, and completely ruining any chances that 16 mm bolt would have ever had at being backed out, he decided to actually look at an exploded diagram of the brake system, discovering the disengaging bolt. He then relayed his newfound knowledge of the braking system of a Mazda to me and my Dad as if he had created from a vision he had of it after slipping and bumping his head on the bathroom sink.
Using this newfound knowledge, and completely ignoring the fact that he had mangled the threads on the Allen headed bolt, he took to it with a high-speed air ratchet and completely hollowed out the biting edges of the bolt.
"Uh, we have a problem" He reported.
The five words (well, maybe four words and a sound) that you never want to hear from your mechanic.
He informed us that someone had done some work on the brakes in the past and damaged the bolt that was so elusive to him earlier. The only solution would be to purchase a new caliper. Luckily, that would only be an extra $400 in parts, and it could be there as early as tomorrow.
Goddamnit.
Although the fact that I bought the car with 8,000 miles on it, and a brake repair before then would be highly unlikely, I chose to bite my tongue, and put in the back of my mind not to return for further repairs after this fiasco, recommendations from the family be damned.
I bummed a ride home from my Pops, bummed a ride to and from work from a friend, and took a bus to get my car. I felt like I was 15 again. I hated not having my own car as much now as I did then.
The sullen weather seemed to mirror my emotions and the rain had just started soaking through my socks, making that gross squishy feeling as I trod back into the mechanics to pick up my car.
The car was done when he said it would be, I had to give him that. What I didn't have to give to him was the piece of my soul that the bill asked for.
"That'll be $580 with the labor. Will that be cash or credit?" asked the receptionist.
He actually charged me for something he fucked up?!
Well I would have none of this.
I walked from the counter directly back into the garage where I found him sacrificing orphans, or whatever dishonest fucks do in their spare time, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt and slung him out of the garage on to the outside pavement.
The rain had beaded up on the oily surface of the asphalt in front of the garage and my nemesis slid fairly unharmed across it, his pride bruised worse than his arse. He got up rather quickly, which is why I was unprepared for the vicious head-butt he threw at my face that neatly broke my nose and caused an explosion of blood the likes of which I had only seen in the movies.
Pain took on a new meaning for me in that instant. The pressure that was experienced from the blow was actually somewhat relieved by the blood that was pouring from my face. I involuntarily flicked my tongue across the front of my mouth only to find that the teeth that once resided there were dangling out of my mouth, held there by the roots and nerves that have never seen the surface.
Knowing the disfigurement that was done to me, rage overcame the pain. There would be no fair fight anymore. Any chance at living this man may have once had was eclipsed by the murderous red thoughts that were working their way into the front of my mind.
I grabbed the teeth, ripped them completely out and threw them on the ground, spit out more blood from my mouth than I would have ever thought possible and let out a war-cry that left his eyes wide and motionless.
I covered the distance between us with a twitch of the muscles in my quadriceps; my outstretched right hand caught his face with my thumb in his open mouth, and my middle finger in his eye socket. He let out a yell, but it didn't last long. My left hand came up from below and landed an uppercut to the back corner of his jaw that shattered it like pottery. Unfortunately for me, breaking his face had cost me my right thumb that was in his mouth as his jaws snapped shut. It didn't matter, nothing mattered except me and the man whose life I was watching dwindle in front of my eyes.
As he sank further into darkness, his hand reached up and grabbed the collar of my shirt, holding it in a death grip as he continued his plummet towards the earth. One by one, the buttons of my shirt popped off, exposing my bare upper body to the cold rain, and as he held on to my shirt, I held his head with the middle finger that protruded his eye socket.
I had never felt as alive as when I took my first life. I savored everything. I savored the feel of victory; I savored the immense pain that was coursing through every facet of my face and hand. I savored every rain drop, and every nerve that reacted to the cool beating of the elemental force until it seemed that I was one with the rain. I imagine that was the point that I too, fell to the ground, on top of my great foe.
"I said, will that be cash or credit?" the receptionist repeated, obviously annoyed at this point.
I handed her my Visa card and signed my soul, and a little piece of my dignity on the dotted line.
I'm such a pussy.
User Reviews
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-06-06 13:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, why don't you post something, queerdo?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-05-19 18:51:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-05-17 09:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took the car to the regular guy.
He told me the other cv needs to be replaced as well and the car needs a tune-up.
One day, I'll take the car in to have something done, and they guy will hand me the guys with a smile and say "All fixed! The car is running perfectly! Nothing more I can do here!"
And then the sky will fall.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-17 09:00:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a friend who does short track racing with something that I believe is a Mazda. She refers to it as "the 7", this is all I know. That and she hasn't managed to kill herself with this little hobby. I think her husband does all the work on the cars. I secretly think he's gotten her into racing as a means of scoring on her life insurance policy except that he seems like a nice enough guy.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-17 06:34:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mazda's are motherfuckers, apparently only the most highly trained and gifted mechanics can work on them and as such they cost a billion pounds an hour.
Don't get me fucking started on fucking Mazda's and thier fucking "that'll be £380 pound sir"
"Didn't you just cut me a new key and fit some spark plugs?.... I didn't fucking ask you to rebuild the engine, cunt. And there is now a noise coming from the back (brakes coincidentaly)"
"Yes sir, book it in and we'll have a look at that for you"
"BUT IT WASN'T THERE BEFORE *EXPLODES*"
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 20:04:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's an '02 Mazda Protege 5.
I mean, it's all said and done now, but maybe next time johnny?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-16 16:48:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dang, I woulda given you the labor times - what kind to vehicle is it again? and what year?
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2006-05-16 15:19:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"short bus riding window licker" indeed
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:29:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's OK Lishy,
Like Phuzzy said, us bald folk can grow new teeth, sort of like sharks. Hey, they're bald too!!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As he sank further into darkness, his hand reached up and grabbed the collar of my shirt, holding it in a death grip as he continued his plummet towards the earth. One by one, the buttons of my shirt popped off, exposing my bare upper body to the cold rain, and as he held on to my shirt, I held his head with the middle finger that protruded his eye socket.
================
HAHAHAHAAAAAAA
If he messed up your pretty face, I swear..
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:03:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if the engine didn't seize then it wasn't all that bad if it went that far without an oil change. eh you coulda got more outta that. jeeps are tuff.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I learned inonion_Ed_Truant, thank you.
Loki, I actually did pray for it, unfortunately for me, I was actually preying for it, so all I did was watch it from very far away and wait for it to move so that I could swoop down on it and take it back to my hatchlings. The damn thingy never moved though. I hate that thingy. That word works so well for so many things!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:40:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe - This Dick guy, bad idea.
Dan, did you try praying for the car to heal? Just a thought. I had a Wrangler that I traded in when I found out that it had never, ever had an oil change. Not my fault entirely. I would take it in to have stuff done on it and would ask for an oil change while it was there.
as in
tune-up and an oil change
fix odd banging noise and an oil change
replace thingy that isn't doing and an oil change
but they never actually got to the oil change part. I traded it in because I'm thinking that 30,000 miles is about 27,000 miles too many without an oil change.
It should be noted that thingy is too a technical term.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*sigh* rape isn't rape if it's willing and it sure looked like you were letting him do that. +2 in the hopes of a lesson learned about when not to bite your tongue.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
wardy- Don't bother. Stick with just the title.
Circe - If there is any advice you ever take from me, it would be to NEVAR go to a machanic whose catch phraze is anything like that. Just go to the regular guy, it actually sounds like a pretty good deal.
Jeanneee and everyone else with a commen about the ending(which is too many to list)- I know, I've been having a hard time coming up with suitable endings, I'm not sure why. But if you will notice, the last 3 posts have ended quite abruptly. I'll work on it.
WildcatMcGee- Trust me, I would love to do these types of things myself, however, I have no garage, and working on the dirt tends to suck all sorts of ass. Still, I think I will opt for that route after this fiasco.
Teephphah- I'll have to check into the (UDMEC) laws here in VA. Hopefully, if what you say is true, I can finally come out of hiding!
ozzy- Bald people always have teh super powers. Look at professor X for chrissakes. Unfortunately, mine are limited to growing new teeth, which isn't all that bad considering I eat a lot of rocks
professorfuckface- Well, it's all about inflation sir. The hookers that you used to be able to get here for $100 now have much more overhead than they did a few years ago. The pimps have really upped their percentages. Not that I would know anything about that.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:53:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:09:58 (#)
Ranking: 2
I NEED ADVICE
My car, Lolita, has a busted-ass cv joint thingy. Now, my regular mechanic is going to charge $340 to repair it, and says it'll take 3 hours
===================================================
3 hours and $340 is fair for a cv joint. I would stick with your regular mechanic.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:50:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Circe - Pay the extra. It'll save you money. Really.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:31:37 (#)
Ranking: 2
Good but not your best. You derailed at the end. Sympathy +2 anyway because I too have been fucked over by an auto mechanic.
----------------------------
In the ass, I'll bet. :)
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for the title. i might go back and read this, but i really don't want to be disappointed...
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:09:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I NEED ADVICE
My car, Lolita, has a busted-ass cv joint thingy. Now, my regular mechanic is going to charge $340 to repair it, and says it'll take 3 hours.
BUT
I found this ad in the paper for a guy named Dick ("If your car goes click, you need Dick!") who'll replace it for $200 in one hour.
He sounds a bit dodgy to me.
Is it worth paying the extra for guaranteed work with people who know my car, or is Dick probably going to do a good job?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i thought it was good. and accurate.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:31:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good but not your best. You derailed at the end. Sympathy +2 anyway because I too have been fucked over by an auto mechanic.
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-05-16 09:13:48 (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending was crappy
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2006-05-16 10:13:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wont even get started on my mechanic
And im not using puncuation or Proper CAPITALIZATION either
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2006-05-16 09:44:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by extacy_red (user info) at 2006-05-16 09:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
The ending was crappy
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-16 09:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was awesome.
Brakes, fluids/filters and tires are something everyone should know how to change before even owning a vehicle. They are the bread and butter of the mechanic industry and concurrently the easiest things to do. Yet, we pay more per part/labor for those services.
You sound somewhat knowledgable about your braking system, so I'd suggest spending that much money on the proper tools and doing it yourself from now on. Unless you're like me and abhor working on your own car.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-16 08:57:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
There was very little excitement in this, but the overall story was good.
Submitted by WildcatMcGee (user info) at 2006-05-16 08:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do all my own car work with my father. He used to be a mechanic in the navy. It saves an incredible amount of money but I've found one thing out about the deal: sometimes it really is just easier to pay someone else to do it.
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-16 08:22:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just great.
Also, I'd have to check to be 100% sure of this so don't quote me, but I think in most states it IS legal to kill your auto mechanic AND your own father in situations like this. Most states have adopted the Uniform Dishonest Mechanic Elimination Code (UDMEC) in some form or another at this point.
Submitted by ozzy (user info) at 2006-05-16 07:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh noes! Dan is one of them floral blouse wearin' types!
Dude, you should have kicked up a mega stink. You know enough about cars to make sure you don't get ripped off, but you still paid for it.
Oh well. Apparently bald people are able to grow their teeth back, so it's not all bad.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2006-05-16 07:33:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HA.
Good Stuff
-Dave
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2006-05-16 07:27:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-16 07:15:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by fun_with_needles (user info) at 2006-05-16 05:16:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:46:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You could get a "right quaint" hooker for $100USD here
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:17:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trust me PFF, I've done my stripper homework.
However, I was here referring to a prostitute, or you might call them...actually, I have no idea what the Aussies call whores, but I figure $580 (that's US dollars you understand) could fetch you a right quaint hooker.
Thanks for stopping by though.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:09:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Boring, and it would have to be a pretty fancy stripper to charge $580, I don't think you've done your research
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:07:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think it was 'from'.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:05:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want you to guess Stagger, because I'm going to repost this without it in there.
Darko,
Why wouldn't you read it?! Does it read like a Stevie post????!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!?!!?!?!!!!!!?!???!?!?
(that was a serious explanatory question[is that redundant])
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-16 04:02:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I read it. All of it. Every word.
Except one. I can't tell you which one because I didn't read it. I can guess what it was though.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-16 03:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-05-16 03:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I won't read stevies posts, I'm sure as hell not going to read this.