A poem I just wrote (833 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 0.06 on 48 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by squattail (View user info) at 2006-05-16 11:51:52 EDT
Haven't chosen a title for it yet
Upon this street where time has died.
The golden treat you never tried.
In times of old, in days gone by.
If I could catch your dancing eye.
It was on the way,
On the road to dreams,
Now my hearts drowned in no love streams,
The street is cold, its trees are gone.
The story's told the dark has won.
Once we set sail to catch a star.
We had to fail, it was too far.
I felt the wind shout like a drum.
You said, my friend, loves end has come.
It couldnt last, had to stop.
You drained it all to the last drop.
On this dark street the sun is black.
The winter life is coming back.
On this dark street its cold inside.
There's no retreat from time thats died.
User Reviews
Submitted by Wazza (user info) at 2006-05-24 07:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Well! i see old fuckface is back, the bastard is a thief and a fucking lier!and he calls himself a writer?
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2006-05-20 13:53:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:55:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
geez method just grow up and forget about rape and shenanigans and alters and just fucking be mature and follow the example I have set, contribute something serious and meaningful to the world instead of just taking and degrading everything all the time
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Ahahaha. +2 for that.
Submitted by Khoublaikhan (user info) at 2006-05-18 03:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:55:39 (#)
Ranking: 0
geez method just grow up and forget about rape and shenanigans and alters and just fucking be mature and follow the example I have set, contribute something serious and meaningful to the world instead of just taking and degrading everything all the time
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haha
Submitted by JumpingJax (user info) at 2006-05-16 19:25:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You thought the leaden winter would bring you down forever
But you rode upon a steamer to the violence of the sun
Submitted by shandythedog (user info) at 2006-05-16 19:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:03:26 (#)
Ranking: 0
well I can certainly handle constructive criticism, I'll take another look over it
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fuckface i think this is a real breakthrough!
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2006-05-16 18:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-16 17:44:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 17:31:18 (#)
Ranking: 0
well unfortunately mature and asian doesn't cancel each other out, chinks only come in 3 different categories, a 15 year old looks the same as a 30 year old and a 31 year old looks the same as a 60 year old.
they say a woman ages like a fine wine, but in truth western women age like a jenga tower, getting stacked up and all excessive and fucked up looking until they finally collapse, whereas asian women are like a tree that takes three chops to cut down
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HAHAHA!
That shit cracked me up HARD - so true!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-16 17:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wank into this bucket *holds out bucket*
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-16 16:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, that blows.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2006-05-16 15:10:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good job
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2006-05-16 15:00:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No one understands your pain.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:56:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ENGORGE
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
WAKE UP TO DIS?
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:25:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
a rape post is the kind of immature shit you might try for a cheap laugh, but I'm beyond that, sorry if you can't seem to get that stuff, but I'm a real writer
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:19:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So many words come to mind...Like,
Hypocrite
Poser
Tool
Deluded
Queerbait
Liar
Self-Serving
Asshole
Die
Congratulations, buddy, this was the queerest thing to hit Uber since Zoidberg. Hope you got a really good rape post in mind to try and cover your tracks.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:19:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That's not true PFF, I would have liked it if my 5th grade child brought it homw written in crayon on construction paper!
I'm not being bitter, just honest. Can you handle it?
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:10:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I could see this being sung by the Backstreet Boys.
Title: Love Rhymes with Above
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-16 14:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/87989#1977577
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:12:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think that I shall never see
A poem as lovely as a...ah, fuck it.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
don't be spiteful dan, just because I rag on your crap, of course I expected criticism from you, you wouldn't have liked this no matter what it was, because I wrote it
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
technically ok
but could have been written by a 9th grader
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:06:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHA!!
You know PFF, I have to say that I am rather fond of your crass criticizm. Although at times, it is a bit harsh, at least it has a ring of truth to it. So I will show you the same here.
This, my friend, is fucking pitiful. I'm sorry to say it, but I was hoping (after reading the sacathing reviews you leave for others) to open your post and find the meaning of life. Especially when you posted poetry on Ubersite, something that should only be done if you are actually good at it, because Poetry gets shit on here regularly. Good poetry.
I suppose it was worth reading, I mean it didn't kill any of my brain cells, but I find it about on the same level as when I pick up a greeting card in Hallmark.
Stick with being an asshole, this just doesn't work for you.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 13:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's not funny, I think you should write your own poem to understand the creative process and why this is better than writing rape jokes
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
queer
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have seen the error of my ways. My apologies, sensei
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:57:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:08:35 (#)
Ranking: 0
no, ghola, youre wrong. by 'more complex' i dont necessarily mean some obscure 19-syllable word, i mean word choices that are more poetic, and less basic. the words used in a poem should be more effective than to jsut fit in the rhythm and rhyme of the piece, they should have deeper effects.
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that's fair.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:55:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
geez method just grow up and forget about rape and shenanigans and alters and just fucking be mature and follow the example I have set, contribute something serious and meaningful to the world instead of just taking and degrading everything all the time
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
hoooooooomooooooooooooooooooooo
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
some things are more important than rape, like the articulation of emotion in the form of prose
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
needs more rape
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I could have called it a lot of things but bare in mind it's my poem, I wrote it, so I'll call it whatever I want, if you want to name a poem write your own like I had to
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
or you could call it 'wheels of fire'
Submitted by wardy (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
brilliance.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:18:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Spoonful of Fire
Submitted by LSD420 (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:15:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It has really plain imagery (the dark has won or whatever you said). I'd switch it up that way, and it could be good.
Worth reading
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:09:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I'll call it sunshine on the crossroads
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, ghola, youre wrong. by 'more complex' i dont necessarily mean some obscure 19-syllable word, i mean word choices that are more poetic, and less basic. the words used in a poem should be more effective than to jsut fit in the rhythm and rhyme of the piece, they should have deeper effects.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:03:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
How about "Greased Lightning"?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
needs more Cream.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well I can certainly handle constructive criticism, I'll take another look over it
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:01:44 (#)
Ranking: 0
i think your language choices need to be a bit more complex. for example the 'to catch a star' line is pretty ordinary.
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this is awful advice.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:01:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
im going to assume that you in fact did write this, merely for the sake of argument...
i think your language choices need to be a bit more complex. for example the 'to catch a star' line is pretty ordinary.
any particular reason you chose that meter? why did you break out of it in teh second stanza? if yorue going to the trouble of using a set rhyme and meter, its best to stay with it the whole way, otherwise its jsut untidy, and then detracts from the poem.
all in all i think the poem is a little simple in its language choices and who it goes about telling its story. i think that it could do with another look at it and a rewrite.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:00:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, I'm squattail, and that names seems a bit long, any other suggestions?
Submitted by Brendon (user info) at 2006-05-16 12:00:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Australians shouldn't really write poetry.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:59:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know - why don't you call it "Deserted Cities of the Heart"? That has a nice chime to it.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
thank you jack bruce.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah I guess it could be applied as song lyrics too, wasn't really thinking of that when I wrote it though
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-16 11:55:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm pretty sure these are song lyrics.