Testimony (1420 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: truth
Rating: 1.75 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Snark << snarkk.at.gmail.com (View user info) at 2006-05-19 14:43:21 EDT
http://www.ubersite.com/m/84667
Wednesday, May 17 2006
Amber,
Sorry I haven't responded to your emails for the last couple of days but things here have taken a turn for the surreal.
I'll start from the beginning.
Please, don't judge me too harshly.
Things have been really bad financially for the last couple of weeks.
I'm always barely getting by, but with Beth to support, I've been on the brink of starvation.
Last week she went job hunting and got one at an Italian place called Café Roma on Commercial Drive.
It seemed like the perfect thing for her. She was bussing and learning how to make coffee. She was getting paid everyday under the table plus making tips. The money wasn't much but it was enough to see us by between my paychecks.
The first night she worked there she started at 11:00 am. She said she'd call me later in the day and tell me when she'd be done but it shouldn't be later than 9:00.
At 10:00 O'clock I started to worry. At 11:00 I started calling all the Italian Restaurants on the drive. I couldn't remember the name of the one she was working at.
The reason I was so worried is because Beth can't drink. Not one beer, not ever. She's an alcoholic and with the medication she's on 1 beer =3 and has damned near psychotic effects. I've seen it a couple of times and it isn't pretty.
At midnight she called me from New Westminster station. I went down to meet her and I was pissed that she couldn't have the common decency to call me knowing that I would be worrying.
I asked her what happened and she said she had stayed late for a couple glasses of wine with her coworkers. I gave her shit for drinking but there's no real point in getting mad at an alcoholic (I quit drinking the day she moved in) for being an alcoholic. What I was really mad about was the fact that she had me worried shitless all night long. We go back to my place and she pulls out a small amount of money and a bunch of hair shit she's bought for herself.
I ask her why she got dropped off there instead of at our place and she says she didn't feel comfortable with her boss knowing where she lives yet.
She's weird that way.
There's enough money to get us to the weekend.
Sunday comes and she's supposed to go to work. She heads down and then calls me just after Noon. She's mad because they told her they didn't have work for her and probably wouldn't need her till Thursday. I meet her and she has a very small amount of money that was given to her as an advance.
Yesterday she calls and tells me that she's been called into work. This is a huge bonus because the money she makes could get us through to Friday payday.
At about 9:00 P.M. she calls and tells me she's been fired for no reason. She says she's on the skytrain and on the way home... probably be about half an hour. I hear a girls voice in the background but don't think anything of it.
At 10:00 I go looking for her but she's nowhere around my apartment building or New West Station.
At 11:00 I get a call. She's says she was upset about losing her job and has been walking around and crying. She feels like she wants to drink so I need to go get her. She's at Columbia; I tell her I'm on my way and to meet me half way at New West Station.
I get to the station and she's not there. I walk half way to Columbia and don't see her. I go back to New West station and wait about 20 minutes but she doesn't show. I go home but she's not there either.
I go back to New West Station and meet her part way. By this time I'm worried and pissed.
I start asking her questions and it finally comes out that she's been smoking crack with some girl she met at the skytrain station.
The story about walking around was bullshit.
I'm appalled and disgusted. We go home and I lay into her and part way through the fight she says "If only you knew what I've done to bring food for us."
I ask her what she meant and she pretends like she never said it. She pretends like it was just something said in anger but I know better and press her on it and she eventually caves.
That Friday night, the first night she worked, she wasn't drinking at the restaurant. She was at her bosses, and when he offered her money for sex she accepted, as she accepted the next time and last night as well.
I FREAKED.
My heart is broken. I'm disgusted and horrified and hurt and so full of rage I could seriously kill someone on the drop of a dime. I ranted and yelled while she sat and cried and kept saying "No No No No Please Don't."
I told her to get out but she just sat there and cried and said it meant nothing, that she did it because we needed money and she loves me. Over and over again she said she loves me and that I don't understand.
Finally, I realized that she has nowhere to go. She has no family to turn to. She has no friends. She just has the street and the slime that comes out at night. If I send her out she'll likely be dead or raped by dawn, but I was still so mad Amber. I felt and feel so fucking betrayed that it's like this huge ball of murder seething in my chest.
I gave her a choice. I told her we are done. I told her she could leave now or in the morning. I opened the door and gave her the choice between the couch and the gutter.
She looked at me and said "You'll never love me again will you?" and I replied coldly "No." and she replied "Then I'd rather die." and chose the gutter.
I closed the door and went to my room but I couldn't sit there while she went out to commit suicide. God help me, I still love her, and in her own twisted way, she thought she was helping by fucking him. She didn't get fired, she quit yesterday.
I went out to the elevator, grabbed her by the shoulders, and said "Dying's not an option." but she violently shrugged me off and that fucking betrayal-rage came back and I left her there.
I went back to my room and tossed and turned and then did something I haven't done in years and years. I clasped my hands and prayed to God to send a Guardian Angel to watch over her, to prevent her from taking her life.
45 minutes later the phone rang. I answered and she asked if she could have the couch. I said "Are you good and stoned?" she replied "No. I got ripped off." Turns out she tried to buy heroin. It would react badly with the medication she's on and kill her, but the slime she gave the last of her money to took it and ran, so I guess I owe God one.
In the end, she fucked her boss and used the money for drugs.
I let her back into the building awhile later. She sat on the couch and cried. I told her to get some sleep and go to bed. For an hour I heard her sobbing uncontrollably in the living room. Finally the door opened a crack. She was trying to sneak in to sleep on the floor because she wanted to be close to me. She's refusing to admit that we're done. She was going to sleep on the floor and then sneak into the bed once I was soundly passed out.
I told her that she had the stink of another man on her and I didn't want her in bed with me. She stood there and cried, and I'm a fucking slime because I finally told her she could sleep in the bed as long as she didn't touch me.
I'm a slime because I told her she could sleep in the bed because I wanted her to shut up, because it was late, and I'm barely holding onto my job, and I needed sleep.
Who was I kidding? I didn't sleep and she just lied there and sobbed.
In the morning I got up and told her she had half an hour to get her shit together. I showered and she dressed and when I came out she asked me again if we were through. I said "We have to be."
She just stood there and cried and a moment later I walked out on my own.
I called my place at Noon today and she was still there. She asked me again if we're done and again I said "We have to be." She asked me if she'd ever see me again and I said "I have to get back to work." and hung up.
And that's where things sit.
I'm a fucking mess. I alternate between rage and the need to cry. I'm barely holding it together here. She's there and she honestly has nowhere to go. If I kick her out onto the street it will be a death sentence.
I don't know what to do. Part of me (a small part) feels like it's my fault as well, like I didn't provide for us as well as I could have, but a BIG part of me knows that I never gave her any indication that I wouldn't rather starve than have this happen.
I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
She was supposed to pick up her meds today and she didn't because she knows that, if she leaves, she's not getting back in. She's off her meds and she's going to become even more suicidal. Her thought processes will become erratic, her moods jumpy.
Do I send her out to die, or do I try and help her?
Do I swallow my heartache and pass it off as the momentary lapse of judgment of a girl who doesn't know any road but a dark one, or push her out of my life and concentrate on my own happiness regardless of the consequences to her?
She'll be home when I get there. She'll skip her visit with her son.
I miss you.
I miss sanity.
I think I understand a little of what you went through that night on the back stairs and it breaks my heart to think of it.
Snark
Friday, May 19, 2006
Amber,
Still haven't heard back from you, is everything OK?
Beth is still at my place, she has nowhere to go and I can't bring myself to throw her into the street.
Last night she got on her hands and knees and swore on her Father's grave that everything she was about to tell me was the absolute truth, and then her story spilled out her mouth like a bitter flood; Every horrid detail, every disgusting fact.
Tiffany went over that first night because she was scared. She was scared I would leave her if she failed at this job and she was completely intimidated by this Scumbag. He's a fat 50 year old Italian.
He lied to her about the money and when he took her, he took her a little less violently than rape.
I've seen the bruises.
He kept making excuses about the money. It was always left back in the gambling room or he'd forgot to bring it and would put it in her tip envelope. In the end he basically had her for free.
The night she smoked crack, she had told him "no more" and quit her job, then went to find something, anything to make her numb.
This guy was her boss and he intimidated her into doing what she did. Apparently this café is a front. She figures these guys are connected. They're hard men, the kind of men you don't say no to. Don't get me wrong, Beth is not without fault, but I understand her fear, and this was a man in a position of power over her that abused it. What he did was illegal, immoral and unforgivable.
Beth doesn't want to go to the police. She's scared to death of him and ashamed of her actions. She doesn't want anyone to know what's happened.
I can't let this pass Amber.
I can't let him get away with this, whether he's mob or not.
He is a fucking parasite. He's done it before and he'll do it again to the next girl that's had her self worth beaten out of her.
I have this image in my head. When I close my eyes I see Beth. She's naked and on her hands and knees. Her eyes are blank and her hands are clenched into fists as the slime digs his fingers into her hips and slams into her over and over again.
I can't escape it. I have to do something.
There's an illegal gambling den in the cafe back room. It's behind a green door across from the washrooms. Every day - all day - and into the night there's at least 15 people with thousands and thousands of dollars being wagered.
I'm going to go there tonight. I'm going to sit and have a drink and watch and listen. I'll smile and leave a nice fat tip and a note for Sam while the echoes of Beth's sobs ring in my ears. The note will tell him he's a dead man. It'll say that Beth's test came in on Friday and she's positive for HIV.
Then I'm going make a call to the BC Gambling Commission.
I'm going to give the fucker a belly full of fear and then I'm going to take away his livelihood.
Yeah, I'm going to sit and smile and drink my cappuccino while the fat man does his thing.
I'm sending you this email in case something goes wrong.
I'm writing this down so that someone knows the story. You are my best friend. No one else would understand much less believe me.
Things are going to get Hollywood from here on out.
I've told you what I'm going to do but that's not the end of it by far.
I'm just getting warmed up.
I may not be a hard man but I got heartache and betrayal to lean on.
I got rage. Rage is enough.
Snark.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stabkill (user info) at 2008-09-15 14:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
3.
Submitted by Alter (user info) at 2007-09-26 22:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No, Comment.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-06-19 18:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not much of a comment that would say the right things.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2006-05-30 07:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2006-05-25 17:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
First of all, I'm so sorry for you, Beth, and the situation you're both in.
Secondly, I grew in almost the exact same enviroment she's been brought up in. Our upbringings are so similar I'm willing to bet we take the same meds. That being said, I have to tell you that this relationship isn't healthy for either one of you. She is broken and as much as you don't want to hear this it needs to be said: You CANNOT fix her. I know you think that you can, and that she wants you to the one to fix her, but no one can fix Beth but Beth. I have been through this and I can tell you that being in this relationship is only going to make her co-dependant if not totally dependant on you. She needs to learn how be whole without someone else. She needs to be loved, but by her heart, not yours. Until she can heal her wounds and live as her own person without the help of someone else, she cannot have a healthy nor a stable relationship. My advice to you is to help her get into an inpatient program at a hospital so she can learn how to be a normal functioning human being without the help of someone else. You can be her friend, but you should only offer your hand to hold and to help hold her steady, not your arm to lean on and hold her up.
My email is Stacy1126.at.hotmail.com if you want to talk to someone who has been in her position (minus the prostitution)
P.S.- Regardless of the abuse she endured or the situation she was in, she knows the difference between right and wrong.
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2006-05-22 08:51:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jgreening (user info) at 2006-05-22 05:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PF2
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2006-05-22 04:43:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-05-21 21:34:09 (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:59:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not fiction
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That made my heart stop- just for a second
It's not often I'm speechless
_______________________________________________________________________________
Then I had a thought. You have to stop involving yourself with broken women. As gifted as you are for seeing past all thier pain and hurt, to the beautiful person inside, the fact still remains: You will never be able to fix them, and by trying all your doing is teaching them to depend on you.
I don't think I'm going to smile again today.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-21 21:58:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:21:59 (#)
Ranking: 2
f.y.i., n00bs, this was written by the current UberLord, which is why it rocks so hard.
________________________________________
who the fuck is 'jonnyx'?
Submitted by pragmatic (user info) at 2006-05-21 21:34:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:59:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not fiction
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That made my heart stop- just for a second
It's not often I'm speechless
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2006-05-20 16:15:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow.
Submitted by jojojojoan (user info) at 2006-05-20 15:53:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-05-20 15:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hot damn, Snark. You write wonderfully, but in this case, I wish you didn't have to.
Submitted by SAM_420 (user info) at 2006-05-19 22:57:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Even if this story is fiction it was written very well and I enjoyed it. Good shit keep it up. Oh, and sorry if it is true; but it does seem cinematic or movie like.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-05-19 21:01:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you write beautifully. im so sorry.
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-19 19:35:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
...well, I've just got no words for this. If I were a praying man, I'd pray for you.
Submitted by GodLovesALittleLovin (user info) at 2006-05-19 18:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm not a therapist, but I'd say that you need to get a dog.
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-05-19 18:31:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Duck and cover, brother. Fat geek got your back.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2006-05-19 17:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep your eyes open and your wits sharp. Do the right thing.
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-19 17:46:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:59:30 (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not fiction.
It's a solemn attestation as to the truth of the matter
-----
Snark... there isn't much I can tell you that hasn't already been said. I have seen this happen to more then one friend and each time it had the same result... which is the same was comountain's... he's been through it and well he knows it. I just warn you this won't end well... not in the slightest. You already see how bad it is, and it will only get worse.
I'm sorry you have to go through this, and I know I am not much help. I am here for you if ya need me. I'm sure I'm not the only one. Good luck.
Email me sometime if you feel like it. piranha_girl_.at.hotmail.com
Submitted by badassmofo (user info) at 2006-05-19 17:34:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'd pay money to read the rest of that.
I'm not sure what else to say.
Submitted by Snark (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:59:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's not fiction.
It's a solemn attestation as to the truth of the matter
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:47:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nicely done. I believe this is fiction and certainly hope it is.
Submitted by Durae (user info) at 2006-05-19 16:05:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking scary.
Submitted by Pentameter (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:52:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are simply amazing...what a great piece of writing.
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:37:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Like some of the other reviews, I hope this was fiction for your sake. If it indeed is, the rest of this is going to make me look like a total ass...
If not, you already know what to do, what you're going to do, but I'll tell my thoughts anyway.
The thing with this girl is mental. Whether she just wasn't "wired" right from birth or she's slowly become this person through experiences, it's permanent, brother.
Your choice is to put up with this behavior permanently,
-or-
Free Yourself.
You are not responsible for her life, she is. It doesn't really matter how many times someone tells you that, I don't feel people in your position will ever believe it (I didn't), but you have to.
The more she acts out, the more you'll have to endure, the more she'll feel she can get away with. It's a fucked up cycle... but it's permanent. You can't change her, you can't change her behavior, they only thing that will change is you.
And it won't be for the better.
She doesn't love you, Snark. Your feelings for her are not mutual.
...but you already know all of this.
Submitted by BrownEyedGirrl (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this is some crazy shit right here!!!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
f.y.i., n00bs, this was written by the current UberLord, which is why it rocks so hard.
Submitted by Puffy_Fluff (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:17:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I felt this story.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do I swallow my heartache and pass it off as the momentary lapse of judgment of a girl who doesn't know any road but a dark one, or push her out of my life and concentrate on my own happiness regardless of the consequences to her?
=====
Snark- is this nonfiction like the last? At the risk of possibly being verbose for no reason, I'm going to assume it's true for now.
In my step-family there is a sometimes-recovering heroin addict who has also experienced sexual abuse. I can't tell you how many times I've had to ask myself this exact same question. After years of watching her downward spiral and the recurring bouts of rehabilitation (currently clean and mid-twenties) all the while with my father and his wife practically raising her son, I've come to the only decision I can. I will support her emotionally as much as I can, but when she relapses and disappears as she has so many times, I somehow manage to let go in a way. I never thought I could be that person, but you'd be amazed what years of the same trends in behavior can do to you.
My experience however, is not with a romantic relationship. If you really love her and want to hold on as long as you can, then you can show sensitivity while still holding her responsible for her behavior. Aside from the obvious rehab issue, demand effort and honesty from her. There's so much to learn about addiction that I think a lot of people assume they know, when they don't. Counseling (for you if not her or both), NA meetings, etc might lend some support to you. Though, with her history of abuse, she'll need other kinds of help too, if she's ever to conquer her addiction. But at some point, and only you will know when, it might be time to decide that you are not meant to be her savior, and that she can only get better if she wants to. No amount of your love or support will change that. So love her as much as you can, but not at the cost of growing to hate yourself or your own life.
Good luck, man.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
REVENGE IS A DISH BEST SERVED COLD
Submitted by Rocktsrgn (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:13:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
goosebumps.
Submitted by ruthless (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:11:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...
Submitted by MonkeyingAround (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:06:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is so much I want to say, and none of it I truely can.
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:05:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
interesting to say the least.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-19 15:02:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats good writing.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-05-19 14:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
First off, I hope this is fiction. If not, don't get gutted. That's all I have to say about that.
Second, your ability to convey emotion like this - pretty simply written really, sparse and hard, but perfect because of that - is why I asked you to go join that competition.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-19 14:53:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2006-05-19 14:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great stuff...I just hope this isn't your real life....But great writing!!!
I enjoyed it, it actually filled me with emotions, confusion, compassion, and sadness.