gravitas and ghola's drunken monkey adventure (1111 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.4 on 47 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gravitas (View user info) at 2006-05-19 23:43:10 EDT
The window's eyes are framed with buttons. The juvenile monkey peers in with interest.
"I wonder what they're doing" the monkey muses aloud.
He looks at his watch to check the time.
"Time for dinner. Those people will sure be tasty."
The boy inside drives his little fire engine around the rug, complete with "vrooms." Red fire trucks go the fastest. Especially when they ram one's father's leg.
The monkey recollects, "My father was a firefighter. He beat me. He beat me with his poo."
The monkey screams at the innocents as he crashes through the window. The fur on the back of his neck stands at rigid attention. His eyes flash from one soul to the next, choosing his first victim. With a cry of vindication, he flings moist poo across the room and nails the smallest girl in the forehead with a splat. She shakes her head feverishly, spraying her siblings with bile.
"Oh, my," her siblings cry, "there is bile on me."
Their father grabs the monkey by the tail, demanding an explanation. The monkey screams in monkish agony as the father flails him across the room. Twisting in the air, the monkey lands on all fours; his eyes burning red at the old man.
"I will burn you with my monkey anger," the monkey hisses.
"We'll see about THAT!" replies the father.
The father watches in dismay as his arms and legs begin to burn bright red-orange. The oldest son, in his father's defense, throws himself on the primate. He sinks his teeth into the monkey's fur and snarls with rage. His jaws loosen as his hair catches flame.
The monkey laughs. "You fools. I am a follower of the one. Well honestly I worship a microwave oven at Pizza Inn."
A roomful of eyes stares at him in confusion.
"I'm confused because there are all these eyeballs on the floor," the monkey muses aloud. "But enough talk. It's time for action. I'm no Captain Planet, you know."
Throwing aside the burning firstborn, the brave little monkey lunges at the father once more. He misses completely and bumps his head on the television. He always hated Dawson's Creek.
The youngest girl sits down to watch. "I like it when the red water comes," she says with a smile.
The monkey, listening to the girl, doesn't see the axe coming for his temple. It connects with splintering accuracy and his blood splatters across the young girl's silken blonde hair. Her smile only widens.
"I always wanted red hair."
The father comes back shortly with a shovel, picking up the lifeless monkey. "This monkey will make us a fine dinner. There's nothing better than evil monkey flesh."
For the first time the youngest boy speaks. "Sure beats that penguin."
The End.
User Reviews
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-30 16:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-30 15:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE WIN
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110614#2487964
Shame I've already rated most of your stuff:(
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:59:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'roids gone wild
Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:40:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dirty_Girl (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by andkon (user info) at 2007-06-21 08:57:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by sorento35 (user info) at 2007-06-21 08:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You fucking dork.
Submitted by Matin_Morte (user info) at 2007-06-20 23:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by muhahaha (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:55:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow. Very inspirational.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-02-10 01:17:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
auto cyborg monkey +2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-02-10 01:06:48 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
i love that monkey
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 06:30:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:18:41 (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, whenever you want, catalyst. I'll be here until Thurs and I get back Sat 6/3. It'll be sweet to get mail now that the post office recognizes I'm not dead like they did for a while.
"Curse of Milhaven" by Nick Cave is good to listen to when you're drunk and feeling gleefully murderous.
---------------
That song fucking rocks.
Amusing story.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-20 20:47:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-20 02:08:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-05-20 13:32:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Auto Cyborg Pirate Monkey +2.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-20 09:12:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Title.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2006-05-20 02:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:55:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Mockidol and Lasicivious are totally wasted, too, and leaving me messages.
Those two are disgustingly cute.
In that serial killer, Manson family kinda way...
Submitted by OneCheapGeek (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Stupid shite
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aww, whenever you want, catalyst. I'll be here until Thurs and I get back Sat 6/3. It'll be sweet to get mail now that the post office recognizes I'm not dead like they did for a while.
"Curse of Milhaven" by Nick Cave is good to listen to when you're drunk and feeling gleefully murderous.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Licious:
i guess that means i should get off my lazy ass and send you something overnight soon.
monday?
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-20 01:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'll be in Ireland in one week and you won't. I just want to brag about that. But after that, who can say? Someday, maybe.
I'm eating cowpie. mmm.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You're a straight shooter, and I can't fault you for that.
Have fun lucky bastards, I'm stuck home with the child tonight.
Tomorrow is my turn to do stupid shit :D
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:58:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tom petty s drunk forme.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sacrilicious - - when are you ever going to grace us with a camwhore? I want to know who Ghola is being naughty with!
Ghola - - Tom Petty??? Boo!!!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:51:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ninjas are my bitch
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A viking helmet?
Is that acceptible for ninjas to wear that attire?
I believe that may be a breach of ettiquette.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you'[re a motherfuckign cool bit.
bitch.
yhes.
i like tome petty tonight.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:46:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drinky, wifey? Me too.
Ilove youse guys.
"I can't wait to eat that monkey.."
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:45:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love you now
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Monkeys are chock full of the yummy awesomeness.
I like to eat them naturally.
Just walk up to the monkey and say, "I hate you, Monkey."
Then punch it square in it's little monkey head.
Then, while they're all dazed and disoriented, just bite into their delicious face.
And as it's choking on it's own blood and flesh, I tell the monkey, "Pray to your filthy monkey god, now."
Then it dies.
I eat the rest of the stupid monkey and my belly is full.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:38:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm wearing a viking h at. oh yes i am.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:37:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:30:52 (#)
Ranking: 2
i dong tgheon how to rate theinsgd,.a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Excellent.
Gravatias, I expect digital photos of this drunken debauchery.
I can't fathom the little ninja drunk...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
monkeys taste q;uite good.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:34:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I had a little bit of Vodka, Triple Sec, Rum, Cherry Puckers, Brandy and sour mix left...
I mixed it all together in the vodka bottle for a party tomorrow night.
I didn't want to break into my Scotch, Armeretto, other Vodka, other Rum, Everclear or SoCo.
And yes... it surprisingly taste quite good!
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:30:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i dong tgheon how to rate theinsgd,.a
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Vodka always makes me happy.
Tequila always makes me vomit.
This tale of an angry, microwave-worshiping monkey made me very happy.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:23:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i had vodka, he had tequilla.
orange uicele
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:22:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And what were we drinking tonight, kids?
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:21:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wishi cooud rat things acuratley.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:20:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wish I was drunk...
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:20:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:16:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drunken zero's make baby jesus cry.
AND I LOVES IT WHEN THE RED WATER COMESES.
You're right margory. the floor sugar does taste awful queer in this area.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:00:55 (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm sorry but you are no David Firth.
--------
We love you. We are drunk. We love David Firth.
You don't know. You just don't know.
We wrote ever other sentence or two of this. The beetles told us to.
You are on pulsehead too. Pulseeeeeeehead. lalalalalala.
Why is your name blinkish? Do you blink? I blink. Sometimes.
Submitted by Blinkish (user info) at 2006-05-20 00:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I'm sorry but you are no David Firth.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2006-05-19 23:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
what? i uses participle phrases.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-19 23:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Are you her, or her alter? Either way, you have the style. Short, choppy sentences
that are irritating at best. :)
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2006-05-19 23:44:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well obviously i'm going to +2 this because we wrote it.
haha, jesus.