Sherington Part 1 (352 hits)
Category: HumorLabels: Humour
Rating: 1 on 17 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hourman (View user info) at 2006-05-22 06:50:24 EDT
It was a bright cheerful morning with the sun high above the clouds raining its glorious rays upon the town of Sherington. Children were playing by the bus stop, waiting for their delightful trip to the local educatory establishment.
The shopkeeper, Mr Patel opened up his shop with a wide toothy grin and handed out big waves and a jolly good morning, to all the parents and children that strolled past his shop that fine day.
There had been a pleasant breeze all week, and the corn swayed beautifully creating what appeared as a sea of nourishment, in the rich British countryside. Mr Jones the local farmer strolled by with his dog, which coincidently he was dragging round by a length of rope. Once questioned on the use of rope instead of a lead he replied
"A lead? Got no need for one o' them boy. No, what were good enough for me Father is damn good enough for me. Technologies got to ahead of itself now"
What a sprightly chap he was! Mrs Tumbersnide was baking her village famous bread again! The smell would waft its way all around the village, and always did she have to stop the locals pinching a good loaf from her doorstep. Especially Mr Jones, who was especially sly, who she had once caught pinching a loaf three times in one day outside her very own windowsill!
The Jacobsen family were getting ready for the big 'disco' down at the local 'Working Mans Club'. They had cake, and jelly, and a big bowl for all the adults to put their keys in as they entered. Oh it was to be some jolly festivities! They had selected a fantastic song list the best of which was;
1. Baby got back (Mr Jones' choice)
2. A selection of Wham! Hits
3. Crazy frogs Album
It was to be a rambunctious night with many a laugh and giggle!
Our story however takes a turn for the worse because we do not follow the happy go lucky folk of Sherington. We follow two male friends on a trip to Loch Lothian who are visiting their plots of land they purchased on eBay which entitles them to Lordships.
Of course nary a journey across such a great distance comes without its perils, and this is their story.
Our heroes awake from their slumber, only to uncover a terrible secret.
"Fucking hell!" Terry shouted
"What the fuck are you fucking going the fuck on about you fuck!?" Exclaimed Barry
"Oi! Watch your tongue mate. No more swearing, all right?! Twat."
"Terry."
"Yes Barry"
"Where are we?"
"Well Barry, we are in what they call a 'Holiday Inn', a quaint little establishment were people, such as ourselves, can rest...innit."
Having established that they were in a 'Holiday Inn' <gasp> they quickly make haste to continue on their journey.
"Mate"
"What?"
"We gotta stop"
"You need another slash?!"
"No, but the engine has been pouring out black smoke for a good ten minutes now."
"Well I suppose, yeah this will do"
Sherington 4 miles
"Yeah, Sherington. Sounds like a nice place."
Having arrived within half a mile of Sherington their car simply fell apart, at which point abandoning the automobile seemed sensible.
They arrived an hour later, and darkness had crept upon them almost instantaneously. The rain was heavy, although still retaining the qualities of 'that fine rain that soaks you through'.
The first establishment is Mr Patel's old curiosity shop & newsagents. Barry opens the door and looks around.
"Hello?"
"Oi! I said HELLO!"
"Shut up Terry you numpty."
A shuffling is heard from the back room, like some ever creeping creature of the damned. Suddenly Mr Patel springs from behind the counter. Barry and Terry jump back startled.
"Fucking hell mate, nearly made me shit myself!" Gasped Barry
"Nearly? Lucky bastard" Mumbled Terry readjusting his under garments for the sudden lack of free space that was once there.
"Would you boys like a sweetie?" Said the old man.
"No thanks mate. Have you got a phone?" Asked Terry
"Ermm... let me think" Said Mr Patel
Three hours later and Mr Patel was unaware of having a phone, he did however have a very good idea.
"Would you like to stroke a puppy?" He asked
"Erm no thanks mate. We best be off." Said Terry
"You're sure? He is a cute puppy! Come on, he upstairs! I show, I show!" He motioned for them to follow.
"Fuck this Terry. I'm off" Barry said as he disappeared into the night again.
Mr Patel popped his head around the stairs.
"Just us now? Oh good! You can pet him all to yourself! He has a nice big bone, err so he is wagging his tail!"
"Ermm sorry mate I got to run." Terry proceeded to walk out the shop, when Mr Patel grabbed him from behind
"You will never leave here..." He whispered
"What?"
"I can't tempt you for a quick stroke?"
The door slammed behind Terry. They saw the lights on at a nearby house and made their way over, in search of an elusive phone.
Our heroes now forlorn and lost in a land unknown to them can things get any worse for our unlikely lads...
User Reviews
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-06 07:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2006-07-05 09:54:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
I am going to rate every one of your posts with a +2 without reading them.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-22 16:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
CHAVVY
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 12:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I read your sex song, the rhyming was way off. Also rap won't sit well on Uber. Sounded alot like Ludacris (kinda dirty southern, but then it just went wrong). Never post half a song, if your gonna post something post all of it.
Dont forget no one can hear accents so maybe a Brit, like me, can't read the rhyme. Like this is British garage
na na easy geezer,
drinkin light bacardi breezer
munchin a malteaser
enterin the street fighter
with a ryu and a ken on da arena
Skibbidy
with a mortal korbat
hit em once in da neck and twice in da back
flex time to get hyper
move fast or im a fight ya
etc etc etc
But that sounds shite becuase you cant hear it with a british accent as fast as it can be spit.
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yea man, thanks. im actually gonna post this other song i wrote. its kinda all about sex. hope you like it.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gonna have to put a +2 in here cus i brought my rating down so much it made baby jeebus cry
needle in a haystack....sexual enuendos galore! Good luck with it. Hope it gets you sum dude
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 11:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha this is a song for my woman , its called needle in a haystack, kinda personal dude, otherwise i would.
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cool cool. Well put the song on Uber. That would be cool.
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:52:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yea yea ill be posting something later on today, ill do my best to make it about getting fucked up. im not that good of a writer though:S so ill do my best. im kinda busy making a song right now though so it might be a while
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:32:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
By the way suspect, I'm keeping an eye out for your next post. Write a drug story. Should contain lots of gorey details, including staring at your self in a mirror for two hours going "I am so fucked..."
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:30:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:27:26 (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yeah fo sho, i havent dipped into the snow in a while, but i used to deal that shit, that is probably why, i saw what that shit does to ppl. but its koo in moderation. and hourman i guess ur right about the difference between the english language here, and in the UK. plus yes, i am a bastard, and that is why im on uber! lol
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Coke is so shit. Man like 3 lines maybe a half hour killer buzz or 3 pills and you wake up 3hpurs later with half a bottle of water, a cig in your mouth, two glow sticks in each pocket talking to Ahmed about the civil unrest in Iraq...I know which one i did last Saturday x 4.
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 10:27:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yeah fo sho, i havent dipped into the snow in a while, but i used to deal that shit, that is probably why, i saw what that shit does to ppl. but its koo in moderation. and hourman i guess ur right about the difference between the english language here, and in the UK. plus yes, i am a bastard, and that is why im on uber! lol
Submitted by hour_man (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:51:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:17:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
haha whats poppin beano? love the name by the way - who doesnt like beanos??? of drugs that is - in case ur wondering
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suspect you bastard put a +2 instead of a 0....bringing my rating down you silver honkey mofo ;). I was debating as to whether or not to do another part to what can only be described as a weird start to a strange series.
Ps Any spelling errors are to be considered Colloquialisms and a northern 'ish' dialect...pedantic bastard :D
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:44:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:17:56 (#)
Ranking: 0
haha whats poppin beano? love the name by the way - who doesnt like beanos??? of drugs that is - in case ur wondering
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Booze mainly in my case, always been a drinker and probably always will be. The odd bit of powder, funnily enough this saturday I had some for the first time this year! I'm away to Taunton for the weekend on Thursday so was kinda getting in practice.
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
haha whats poppin beano? love the name by the way - who doesnt like beanos??? of drugs that is - in case ur wondering
Submitted by _SuSpEcT_ (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:10:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this was good, though i did find some spelling errors! and you told me to clean up my grammar! lol jk jk good read bud
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-22 09:09:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Huh....still just me then....??
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-22 07:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Shut up Terry you numpty."
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My coffee mug on my desk says 'Numpty'.