Me and my pal Jehova (442 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: -0.1 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Dkotes.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2006-05-23 07:34:37 EDT
Alright, so after a long night of extreme gaming switching between gaining super experience points in my MMORPG to buy that new +10 broadsword, and pissing ppl off in Battlefield 2, i finally shut my eyes after the sun came out. I sprawl out on my couch, still smelly from the farts i drill into it all night long whilst casting lightning bolts. I awake only a few hours later to the sound of a knock on my door, which is a giant glass sliding door that is 5 ft away from me, to the sight of a bald man in a suit and tie, and a little girl in a skirt and sweater.
I lift my head, shielding my raccoon ringed eyes from the light, give a hiss because it burns my retinas, and get up in my dirty jeans and t-shirt. I open the door half asleep and the man says, "hello my name is Chris and this is Anastatia, we are Jehovas Witnesses and were wondering if you would give us a moment of your time".
I never say no to people, enjoy hearing people opinions, and had been sitting on my couch for 3 weeks straight, no longer leaving my house or seeing friends, so i enjoyed the new social contact and said sure.
It was a nice day so i brought them out onto the porch and we began to talk in the sun. The first thing he asks me if if i know who Jehova is, and i say no, ive heard a lot of other biblical names but not Jehova. He reads some passage and i deduct that Jehova = God. The second thing he asked me was if i would be interested in hearing what it was that first got him hooked on JW in 1984, i said yes. He wips out his bible, opens to a passage and reads somthing along these lines (almost exact) "and the righteous shall inherit the earth, and dwell upon it forever" he looked up and said, wow doesn't that sound good? I said sure.
He asks me, "what does forever mean too you." I answer, it means till the end of time. He says yeah yeah, and how long do you think that will be? and i thought about it, and answered back, well, seeing as to how our sun will one day run out of hydrogen and grow into a red super giant, engulfing earth and encinerating everything on it, id give it about 10 or 15 million years. He says yeah and his eyes shift, then he moves on to another passage which he has the little 9 or 10 year old girl read. Well, she asks to read it because she loves Jehova so much, she is scary. She reads a passage that says somthing about God returning to Earth one day to remove all the non-righteous people plus disease, pain, suffering, and even death. He says wow doesnt that sound good. I say sure, but what are the qualities of a righteous person, because I would like to know if i qualify. And...if no one dies anymore, where will all the people live after the earth gets too populated. He says "the righteous shall inherit the earth and live upon it forever" and reaches into his bag of goodies and pulls out a pamphlet. I look at it, the cover has a hispanic male, a black female, and an asian female on the front cover, all smiling of course, and the title reads, "What does God Require of Us?" The back is an asian family in a field under a waterfall holding baskets of yummy fruit and playing amongst the wildflowers with their pet tigers, you can also see a white family in the distance picking more fruit and riding deer, with their pet mountain lion sipping from the lake.
He opens it up to the Table of Contents and points out such chapters as: Family life that pleases God, God's servants must be clean, practices that God hates, beliefs and customs that displease God, Helping others do God's Will, etc. etc.
We go on talking, he and the girl read me passages, then i ask questions and he avoids them by reading more passages. I wonder how the Bible is without a doubt the Word of God, and not the word of man, even though the first page in the pamphlet says, "The Bible was written by some 40 different men over a period of 1600 years, beginning in 1513 BCE. It is made up of 66 little books. Those who wrote the Bible were inspired by God. They wrote his thoughts, not their own. So God in heaven, not any human on earth, is the Author of the Bible"-Timothy 3:16 Peter 1:20 etc. etc.
That question got me a nervous look and a prize; a pleather hardcover-The Bible, God's Word or Man's?
I was scared at how excited the girl was too read and give me pamphlets, and how she kept saying Adam and Eve were the first people. So i asked, if Adam and Eve were the first people, then wouldn't we all be the children of their children, who would have had too, reproduce with themselves? I avoided using the words sex/incest/brothers and sisters because the girl seemed kind of young and I didn't want to confuse her brainwashed little mind.
That question won me TWO more pamphlets.
The first had awesome pictures inside of a mexican passed out on the couch with a 40oz in his hand, and another of a chinese boy stealing from a purse while holding a full house and a pair of dice in his hand. drinking and gambling are bad mmmkay
The pamphlets (3 of them) have so much other REDICULOUS shit in it they are too numerous to write down, and you would stop reading this (if you have not already) after a couple pages.
I SO WISH i had a scanner to show you how fucked up these pamphlets are, and I just may do that this week and repost them. I plan on going to "kingdom hall" today to find this guy and ask him some more questions, i am really interested in how insanley into this shit they are. It scares me, but i want to ask him about evolution and disease, and DNA, and other science shit which i am big in to, and do not understand how these people care nothing of it. I'll let you know how it goes.
Until then don't piss of Jehova
here is some pamphlet cover i found on some random sight, it looks older, and is NOWHERE near as badass as the new pamphlets which have more large carnivores playing with children, more fruit, more barn raisings etc.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-24 04:20:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You might get better. Welcome.
Submitted by supadupapupa (user info) at 2006-05-24 03:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JW's also believe that there is a limited amount of tickets left to get into heaven... I think about 1500 or so are left...
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2006-05-23 09:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Telling people not to piss of Jehova is REDICULOUS!
But this had some potential. You do not completely suck. You may live.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2006-05-23 08:48:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
First - its spelled Jehovah
Second - I was raised a JW (no longer one - I enjoy sinning far to much to comply) however - because my mommy and daddy dragged my ass out to strangers homes every morning that we were alive - I am an amazing saleswoman. Please let me know what you think of the Kingdom Hall.
Jehovah +2
Submitted by gonefiguring (user info) at 2006-05-23 08:21:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
All I said was "That piece of halibut was good enough for Jehovah!"
Submitted by Zol (user info) at 2006-05-23 08:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jehova = FUN
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:59:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
erm, that was meant to be a -1
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:59:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad, but the formatting sucked.
Next time use the return key more.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:55:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
WTF..... block of text makes man go blind alert !!!!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
REPOST! DO IT!
DO IT NOW!
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:42:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more paragraphs
needs more comedy
Needs more story
Needs more voodoo
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-23 07:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I knew a jehovas witness. She got hit by a car and died because she couldn't have a blood transfusion, but they gave her one anyway so she committed suicide.
Okay, I didn't actually know and she was technically a characther on ER or similar but still.
Post wasn't all that bad. Repost with proper formating and you'll be alright.