I Get No Pussy Because I'm Too Picky And My Friend Is A Scrub (2148 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.28 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by SilvrWolf (View user info) at 2006-05-24 13:00:12 EDT
Hey hey hey! It's time for another personal story that no one gives a shit about. Read on for more boring-ass details, no point and general meh-ness. I just had to get this out of my system.
I have a friend (we'll call him Stump) who's approaching forty, still lives in his parent's basement and doesn't drive. He can't seem to get his head around that being the main reason why most girls he hits on shooting him down. Well, that and he comes on way too strong. Example [internal thoughts are bracketed]:
Two girls walk out on the patio at a local bar.
Chica1: It's my birthday today.
Chica2: She just turned 21.
Me: Congratulations on catching up with your ID. Happy birthday!
Chica1 (to her friend): How did he know I had a fake ID?
[Oh, puhlease! This is going to be easy]
I bought her a birthday drink (which, of course, is what she was fishing for in the first place) and they came over and sat down with us. Polite conversation ensued.
Me: Someone smells fantastic. What are you wearing?
Chica1: It's Pink.
Chica2: From Victoria's Secret.
Stump: What else you got from Victoria's Secret? (complete with idiotic grin, which I'm sure was intended to be charming and/or cute)
At this point I heard in my head the sound of screeching tires on pavement. Both girls gave him blank stares. I was blankly staring at him as well, with my mouth slightly and noticeably agape.
[Did he just unwittingly cockblock both of us? Are you fucking kidding me?]
Chica1: Uh, did you just try to use that as a line?
Stump: No, no. I just... uh...
Chica2: (laughs)
Me: Ladies, please excuse me. I'm going to go shoot some pool. Happy birthday again. I hope you have a blast. You're welcome to come join me if you wish.
My friend followed me into the game room shortly thereafter and I had already racked up.
Stump: I think the birthday girl digs you, man.
Me: Yeah, well, she did...
Stump: Too strong?
Me: Like Hercules, motherfucker.
Stump: You should go back out there and ask for her number, man.
Me: Dude, she'll bring me her number. You, on the other hand, will be assured of a date with your right hand.
Stump: (laughing) You're stupid. She's not gonna bring you her number, man. You have to go after stuff like that.
Me: Aside from that, the number she'll give me will be to the same residence of the man who put that near-flawless, E clarity, ¾-karat rock on her left hand.
Stump: I didn't even see a ring.
Me: That's 'cause you were too busy imagining her, out loud, no less, in lingerie, Captain AutoErotica.
Stump: ...
About ten minutes later, the birthday girl comes in and hands me a card with her number written on it.
Chica1: Call me sometime.
Me: When your fiancé's not around?
Chica1: That's my cell number. He won't know. Call me. (winks and walks away)
Me: I'm sure I will.
I chuck the card on the table in the corner and it lands in my beer.
Stump: What are you doing? She was smokin'!
Me: Man, don't even get me started on cheaters. I'd break one off in her ass, she'd love it and her man would end up being pissed at me and trying to start static. I'd have to kill him, of course. Then, I'd have to dispose of the body and cover my tracks. I'm not going through THAT again; once a month is enough. Not to mention that I'd still have to deal with her.
Stump: (stares at me, mouth slightly agape)
[Why, you're just a Junior Mint idiot, ain'tcha?]
Fast forward and we're getting ready to leave. This Nubian hottie was sitting at the bar talking to some guy.
Stump: I like her tattoo.
Me: Dude, it's a fucking butterfly. What it's inked on, though, is stunning. Go talk to her, man.
Stump: Nah, she's talking to that guy.
Me: ... ... ...oh, I thought there was something else you were gonna add.
Stump: Asshole.
Me: Man, watch this.
I walk over, chat her up about her generic-ass tattoo, show her mine, buy her a drink, piss off the guy she was talking to, get her phone number and say goodnight. Elapsed time: 2-3 minutes.
Stump: Man, how do you do that?
Me: It's easy. Don't be an idiot. That's it.
Stump: Shut up. Let's go.
Me: Boy, you better check yourself right now or you can walk your happy ass to the bus stop.
Stump: Bus don't run to my house.
Me: Not my problem. I got wheels.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
See? No point whatsoever. I'm quitting smoking, so give me a break. I stay aggravated about things longer than usual.
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-09-20 14:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-25 11:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-05-25 00:22:27 (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh it's just so easy isn't it! Tool.
--------------
Dude, getting a girl's number IS the easy part. Getting a REAL number, setting up a date and actually executing the date are what's hard. I haven't been on a date in months, but I can get numbers most anytime. I never said I was a pimp-daddy playa. I live in a county with a combined influx of 10,000 new college students each semester. The orchard produces much fruit to pluck here, my friend.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2006-05-25 09:52:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
<chuckles>
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2006-05-25 08:00:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Chica2: From Victoria's Secret.
Stump: What else you got from Victoria's Secret?
---
See, that would work in England.
Well, in the backwards corner of England I call home.
Submitted by georgemichael (user info) at 2006-05-25 02:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ok!
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-25 00:39:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Serious_Melvin (user info) at 2006-05-25 00:22:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh it's just so easy isn't it! Tool.
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2006-05-24 22:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You dirty, shameless little whore.
You know dat's how I likes it.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-24 21:41:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any chick who would fuck around with you while she has a boyfriend is
a pure slut. Advice from Uber is like advice from a Nun. . .
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2006-05-24 21:19:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yeah this was meh. Not to mention the "you're the dipshit that hangs out with a vagina-repellant" insult. It'd be all the more valid to throw that at you if I didn't have the same problem with a couple of friends of mine.
but whatever. I have to dish out a +2 someday.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 21:07:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-05-24 17:32:01 (#)
Ranking: 1
What an awesome story! Be sure to pat yourself on the back for being such a studly stud, you stud you.
-----------
I've been patting all day, man.
I think I'll do it now, too.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 21:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
DC, things between Stin and I didn't work out. As far as I know, she's married to a guy somewhere in Maine. I haven't heard from her since around the beginning of this year, so I don't know how she's doing as of late.
We kind of kept the breakup quiet, but I've mentioned it a couple of times here on Uber.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-24 20:13:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Pretty weord anyway I suppose. Ignore me, I should keep my mouth shut.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2006-05-24 20:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait...didn't you marry Stin? I doubt she' into open relationships so I guess you broke up.
Sorry to hear that I guess.
this is going to be weird if its not you I'm thinking of.
Submitted by Kent_Weirdo (user info) at 2006-05-24 19:51:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Hey hey hey! It's time for another personal story that no one gives a shit about. Read on for more boring-ass details, no point and general meh-ness."
Only a +1 because that's true, but your friend reminds me of one of my coworkers. He's this 18 year old who still lives with his folks, only went to one year of public school (which was kindergarten) before being pulled into home school by his parents.
He has no social skills, his parents still boss him around and suck money out of him even though he's 18, and he never says the right things with the ladies. Whenever he tries to flirt, he always comes off as a creepy stalker. I just know this guy's gonna slit up some college girl in his van when he's as old as your friend.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-05-24 18:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:01:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
I told you it was boring in the first paragraph, you nitwit.
---
touche.
Submitted by Yams (user info) at 2006-05-24 17:49:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's true then...You DON'T have to be old to be wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiyiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiise. Good story.
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2006-05-24 17:32:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What an awesome story! Be sure to pat yourself on the back for being such a studly stud, you stud you.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 15:06:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Alright, kids, I'm outie. I have to go collect money now. And by "collect money", I mean "rape garden gnomes". Or not. Whatever.
Everyone play nice and don't take internet candy from internet strangers. Real candy from real strangers? A-OK. Who doesn't love candy? And a stranger's candy is soooooo much sweeter. "Step out of the van, sir. Good god, man! Step back in the van and put your pants on. Wait, is that a Snickers in your ass crack?"
<indignantly> "NO! ...it's a Milky Way. What do you take me for, some kind of sicko?"
Ok, I'm done.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 15:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude i already said i don't want men to change for me. it confuses the fuck out of me when they all of a sudden change. or bring out the real them whatever. I DON'T LIKE CHANGE!!!
Submitted by COMountain (user info) at 2006-05-24 15:02:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:33:11 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:20:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rowan: I think it's because I just stopped giving a shit. I'm... aloof and nonchalant.
...and an asshole. Can't forget the asshole part.
Chicks dig that for some reason.
--------
They do, but it's because they want to turn a bad guy into a good guy, through the power of their 'love'.
See, chicks take on a relationship that same way you or I would take on restoring a old 1968 TR/7 - something beat-up and nasty to start with, but when you get done, a sweet, sweet ride to be seen around town with.
----------
um... i don't want to change a bad guy into a good guy. as long as he's not so bad as to lie about his dishonest intentions with me then it works.
why do guys always go for the girls that want to change them instead of the girls that you change yourself for all on your own? what does that say about you?
--------------
It says that we're horny and want to get some ass.
The chicks that come home with us because she sees us as something they'll be able to mold is only going to get banged. These are not the women that men change themselves for. These are the women that don't get a phone call the day after, having been given cab money the night before right before we pass out, being finished with her.
Yes. I am paying you to leave.
Yes. You are now technically a protitute.
Why do you think men should chage for you anyway, huh?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Why is the picture in that post all fucked up now? Is it like that on everyone's computer?
I blame AOL (probably erroneously). I wish they'd hurry up and get DSL out here in the boonies. I've been on the notification list for over a year.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:43:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No one will ever change me. I won't even conform to myself. If someone doesn't like who I am, it's a great big freakin' planet; I can be their total stranger.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:38:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's a HUGE bitch! (Deuce Bigelow style)
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:36:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
don't forget to add "is it because you're a freaking idiot" after the question. the ones that get mad at that know you already got the answer right.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:35:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whatever your precious heart desires, inion. I'll pick up a case tonight.
Jonny, I thought it was a perfect analogy - an astute observation. I'm going to put your theory to the test. I'm supposed to go out tonight and I'll actually ask some girl(s) about that.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:01:36 (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:20:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rowan: I think it's because I just stopped giving a shit. I'm... aloof and nonchalant.
...and an asshole. Can't forget the asshole part.
Chicks dig that for some reason.
--------
They do, but it's because they want to turn a bad guy into a good guy, through the power of their 'love'.
See, chicks take on a relationship that same way you or I would take on restoring a old 1968 TR/7 - something beat-up and nasty to start with, but when you get done, a sweet, sweet ride to be seen around town with.
----------
um... i don't want to change a bad guy into a good guy. as long as he's not so bad as to lie about his dishonest intentions with me then it works.
why do guys always go for the girls that want to change them instead of the girls that you change yourself for all on your own? what does that say about you?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:07:50 (#)
Ranking: 0
That's fucking freaky, JonnyX. There's a TR7 behind the garage right now. The old man hauled it in here yesterday to resto.
------------
I'm always doing that psychic stuff.
But, you get my analogy, right?
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't like crown royal :(. jack just has the flavor that i love. something about how sweet it is just hits the back of my throat the right way.
ignore that comment...
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/81926 - there's a fuzzy pic of the fatass there, Mario.
</shameless linkwhore>
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:26:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:22:08 (#)
Ranking: 0
You've got a cool fucking dog man. Does she like beer?
--------
Nope. She'll drink the hell out of some Crown and Coke, though.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:20:59 (#)
Ranking: 0
actually, a bottle of jack is better than just straight cash. shows you care enough to get me shitfaced first.
------------
No no, baby. It's Special Reserve Crown Royal all the way. Jack is for podunk rednecks. Oh wait...
<hides the two bottles of JD on the liqour cart>
Yeah, podunk rednecks.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You've got a cool fucking dog man. Does she like beer?
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:21:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Didn't she tell you about the scholarship?
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:21:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:18:35 (#)
Ranking: 2
Rusty...that's a great name for an arthritic dog.
-----------
Even better - she's female. I call her Russell and she gets pissed at me. No shit.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck i'll take someone's money and/or diamonds right about now. i need to start using more people. at least the crappy people.
actually, a bottle of jack is better than just straight cash. shows you care enough to get me shitfaced first.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:19:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If I slip you an extra fitty, will you bump me up the list?
Gawd, I feel dirty now.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:18:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rusty...that's a great name for an arthritic dog.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:16:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:34:00 (#)
Ranking: 0
inion_de_trua: Is it wrong that I want to touch your no-no bits?
I'll let you touch mine...
first, even
--------
there's a wait list and application fee.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:11:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:09:16 (#)
Ranking: 2
He knows, he's in it.
---------
ahahahaha-
wait...
Oh shit! Rusty[my arthritic Blue Heeler], get 'em out!
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:10:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i was ammused
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
He knows, he's in it.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:07:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's fucking freaky, JonnyX. There's a TR7 behind the garage right now. The old man hauled it in here yesterday to resto.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:20:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rowan: I think it's because I just stopped giving a shit. I'm... aloof and nonchalant.
...and an asshole. Can't forget the asshole part.
Chicks dig that for some reason.
--------
They do, but it's because they want to turn a bad guy into a good guy, through the power of their 'love'.
See, chicks take on a relationship that same way you or I would take on restoring a old 1968 TR/7 - something beat-up and nasty to start with, but when you get done, a sweet, sweet ride to be seen around town with.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 14:01:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I told you it was boring in the first paragraph, you nitwit. I do, however, appreciate the honest rating from you. I've definitely seen better.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:57:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:33:48 (#)
Ranking: 0
You hang out with a slow almost 40yr old who lives with his parents and hot 21 yr old chicks give you their number.
Doubtful.
---
And boring to boot.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:48:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha, wicked burn
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jeanneee, you give me too much credit. I couldn't get Stump laid in a Thai whorehouse if he was sweating 24k gold.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:42:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this had some quality lines in it:
like this:
Me: Yeah, well, she did...
Stump: Too strong?
Me: Like Hercules, motherfucker.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh yeah, and the ring most definitely wasn't fake. I knows me some shit about diamonds. My uncle is a wholesale jeweler. I've held half a mil in diamonds in my hands before.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:38:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Forgive me for that, inion. I started drinking early today.
indo, don't you have a gun to play with or something? :-P
I assure you, this all happened last night. It WAS a better night than usual, though.
Shlongy, these are not the types of chicks you want to get involved with. They'll just want your money.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should write screenplays. With some practice, you could be the next Tarantino. Then your life would be a virtual Mardi Gras of sluts and phone numbers - I bet you could even get Stump a piece.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get some phone numbers for Shlongy...I'm too busy saying rude shit to chicks in bars to do my own due diligence.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:34:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
inion_de_trua: Is it wrong that I want to touch your no-no bits?
I'll let you touch mine...
first, even
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:33:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You hang out with a slow almost 40yr old who lives with his parents and hot 21 yr old chicks give you their number.
Doubtful.
The ring was probably some fake zirconiam shit, and the chick was probably her http://www.ubersite.com/m/88259 .
As for the nubian chick, I have yet to see a hot black girl with a butterfly tattoo. It was probably a trailer hoochie with none of her own teeth who give out gummers in the mens room.
But on the bright side you did get two numbers.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:30:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Thanks, Jeanneee. My friends often tell me a story and I'll pull one of those, "I'd have said: ________"
Their usual response is, "Why can't I think of stuff like that?"
To which I retort, "'Cause I haven't written the handbook yet."
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:30:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:20:22 (#)
Ranking: 0
Rowan: I think it's because I just stopped giving a shit. I'm... aloof and nonchalant.
...and an asshole. Can't forget the asshole part.
Chicks dig that for some reason. I guess it's because they know where they stand with me and don't have to ask for it.
--------
very true. that's a big part of it. knowing where you stand with people makes everything easier usually.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You have a flair for what my mom would call "snappy patter."
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was interesting. You sound like me. You'd think that after being shot down, ooh, I dunno, about 500 times these guys would try a different approach. But no, they just try being more stupid. You can't really argue with guys like this. I'd work on moving out of the house and getting a car first anyway.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:21:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I empathize.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rowan: I think it's because I just stopped giving a shit. I'm... aloof and nonchalant.
...and an asshole. Can't forget the asshole part.
Chicks dig that for some reason. I guess it's because they know where they stand with me and don't have to ask for it. I don't know. Point is, I should be banging two of these chicks a night and I VERY rarely follow up after I get a girl's number. That, and the fact Radford has one of the highest STD rates per person of any city in the country.
"No point in their heads a turnin' if your genatalia be itchin' and burnin'"
Submitted by cuberat (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:14:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by MichelleNJ (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:11:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:11:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yu're getting very agressive in your old age, Jermany
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:07:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 cuz of the thing about cheaters. but yeah it was meh.
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:07:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My life is boring lately. I warned you all.
Submitted by sinna (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:06:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good enough for me. However, I've got less than an hour untill I finish work and hit the pub, It's all good enough for me.
Submitted by ess-arr (user info) at 2006-05-24 13:04:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i expected a little more, but it was meh-ness