Why I will never have a baby (2093 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: -0.64 on 71 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by katie <katieXdoll.at.yahoo.com> (View user info) at 2006-05-29 01:38:19 EDT
1. You have to buy them things, things like diapers, food, bedding, etc. I'm not going to waste my money on shit I can't even use. It will probably end up wasting/pissing on everything you buy it , so it's even more useless. I'd probably eat the food anyway. it's pretty low -cal and fat. Some people look at it as an investment. You buy the baby all the stuff it needs, then it grows up and adds to society and takes care of you. That's not guranteed and I'm not willing to take that chance.
2. People buy them toys. Babies don't even know what to do with toys. They ruin them by chewing on them and throwing them around. I, on the other hand, take excellent care of my Bratz dolls. I couldn't stand to see some little fucker getting tons of cool shit and I get some jewelry or things for the baby. Those aren't even real presents.
3. I'd be responsible for it's life. I can't be held responsible for another living thing. It will (accidently) die and I will get in trouble. I could run over my cat and no one would care but if I were to run over my baby it'd be some federal case. Cats are cooler anyway. They're litter trained almost as soon as they exit the womb. You have to teach a baby. And they're slow learners. They don't even WANT to be potty trained, those lazy fuckers. Which leads to number 4:
4. Babys can't do anything. They can't cook, they can't get a job, they can't walk, they can't lend me money, the list goes on and on. There are a couple things the can do but it's all non-helpful and useless. "Wow did you see that, it rolled over." Lame. I can do a fucking sumersault and no one gives a shit.
5. I'm not getting fat. Ever. Babys make you fat. Your tummy balloons up, your feet swell, your boobs get all icky and droopy. That's just gross. You turn into a cow, essentially. Who in their right mind would want that? Douche bags, that's who.
5. A living thing grows inside you when you're pregnant. You know what else grows inside people? CANCER.
6. Baby's cry and cry and cry. Sometimes they even shriek. If it's your baby there's no way to escape all that either. It's yours. You're screwed for the next 18 years.
7. You can't have a kid and be a live in slave with a sugar daddy/couple. I am not getting a job for some little shithead when I can be at home, tied up all day.
There is one positve about having a baby. You can name it whatever you want. I personally think Penis, Bratz, Pope, Diet Pepsi (they'd probably give me free soda for life if I did that), and Fishhead are good baby names.
Babys are evil little monsters that take your money and suck all the joy out of your life.
User Reviews
Submitted by Banga3386 (user info) at 2006-06-01 02:13:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, I think we've found Maddox's sister! I mean that in the best way possible.
I like your writing style, I hope you continue to post.
The Bang
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2006-05-31 22:17:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Because you're aligned with Spencer. And his shit rocks.
Submitted by laika (user info) at 2006-05-31 19:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im pretty surprised this didnt get a higher rating.
this seems like the type of humor that does well on uber.
i guess the irrational hatred for noobs won out.
maybe she should have included more rape.
Submitted by Leroy (user info) at 2006-05-31 19:29:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-31 15:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i do. thank you college in colorado. all a bunch of fuckin weird stoners.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-31 14:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i don't know any more words to that song :(
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-31 13:41:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
They don't play baseball
They don't wear sweaters
They're not good dancers
They don't play drums.
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-31 13:33:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
in the morning
laughing happy fish heads
in the evening
in the stew
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-31 13:27:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i just had to add...
fishheads fishheads
roly poly fishheads
fishheads fishheads
eat them up yum
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2006-05-31 13:12:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
get out of the gene pool
Submitted by leilani (user info) at 2006-05-31 10:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice, come back when you are 40 and infertile and really really want that baby.
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2006-05-31 00:07:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was kind of funny, but you might want to get Spencer to proofread your stuff for you before you post it. Or were the typos for effect? If so, your humor might be a little out of my reach.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-30 17:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by karates_badboy (user info) at 2006-05-30 10:56:05 (#)
Ranking: -2
You're the filthiest, sickest maniac I've ever come across, and I mean that in the nastiest way possible.
---
Then you have obviously not spent too much time on Uber or the interweb in general.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2006-05-30 17:08:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you forgot
8. Because I have a penos.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2006-05-30 15:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Pretty bad.
Try harder next time.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:40:50 (#)
Ranking: -2
because i'm going to stab you in the womb? ""
bwhahahaha
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if spooners mom had the same outlook as you, you wouldn't have a gay friend to lust after. to no avail. all the while wondering what is wrong with you that he doesnt want you, right? maybe if your butthole had some more hair on it. or if you had bigger triceps, things would be different but the fact of the matter is, Grace, its not gonna happen.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:40:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
because i'm going to stab you in the womb?
Submitted by nya_nyo (user info) at 2006-05-30 14:33:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I hope you get shot in the face with a large caliber rifle
Submitted by karates_badboy (user info) at 2006-05-30 10:56:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're the dumbest person, ever. I hate you, and how selfish you are. You're the filthiest, sickest maniac I've ever come across, and I mean that in the nastiest way possible.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-30 09:18:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 23:05:15 (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you two zitboy-homos pool all of your money, maybe you can buy yourselves a 'Big Gulp'."
Right, see? He needs an original schtick.
===
HAHA. that was AWESOME
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2006-05-30 02:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yikes, this was bad.
Since Spooner says you are teh funny I would suggest reading what you write alloud. If it still sounds like a 14 year old retard when you do it, look in a mirror. If you are, in fact, a 14 year old retard, consider finding another site to write your blogs. This is no place for a kid.
That is all.
Submitted by T_Bag (user info) at 2006-05-30 01:44:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
it's probably best if you don't reproduce anyway. have you considered sterilization. i hear if you catch HPV you can become sterile. since money sounds like an object here, you may want to think about it.
Submitted by MrSparkle847 (user info) at 2006-05-30 00:14:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
8. No one would knowingly insert their sperm pole into your minge.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2006-05-29 23:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/88520
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 23:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If you two zitboy-homos pool all of your money, maybe you can buy yourselves a 'Big Gulp'."
Right, see? He needs an original schtick.
Submitted by ripple (user info) at 2006-05-29 22:57:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you are very selfless. i admire that.
Submitted by Charlilot (user info) at 2006-05-29 21:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
2. People buy them toys...
Ok this made me laugh because my sister says this about her own kids but she also says that it gives her an excuse to run around in the toy store 'testing' all the toys. Man she can spend days in there.
I tend to think you might be a nutbag, but that's just because you play with bratz dolls.
Those plastic cunts are worse than barbie. Plus that stupid show they have. Fucking teen fashion magazine? shove your whoring magazine up your stupid plastic arses! what the fuck is wrong with you people?!?! whoever made that show I HATE YOU DIE YOU FUCKING SON OF A WHOR-
Ahem. Sorry.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-29 20:54:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 17:34:03 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:17:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:31:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
pumpkin baby says SHLONGY IS FUNNIER THAN YOU! http://www.ubersite.com/m/80665
sorry, that was harsh
---
Shlongy isn't funny. At all. I know he'll reply by calling me a fag or something, but that's irrelevant. Shlongies are a dime a dozen on the internet, and the whole thing is played out. It's nothing original, it's not even anything interesting. It's not even good shock humor. It's just your generic homogonized internet tough guy schtick that I got sick of years ago. He's the internet version of a prop comic.
----
i realise that. thats why i told somebody who isnt funny(the person that wrote this post), that the most unfunniest person on this site is funnier than her. then, to drive the point home, i said "that was harsh" because lets face it buddy, shlongy isnt funnier than anybody. for somebody who thinks he's such a comedian, you have no sense of humor when it comes to people joking with you. and by "you" i mean "your friend" that wrote this post. she cant reply??
If you two zitboy-homos pool all of your money, maybe you can buy yourselves a "Big Gulp".
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2006-05-29 19:02:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Perhaps you'll be lucky and find out you're barren. Seriously though have you considered just getting yourself sterilised?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 18:26:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhh, ok. I see. My bad then.
She has 56k and doesn't get online much because of it.
Submitted by marginwalker (user info) at 2006-05-29 18:12:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
And what was it you spawned from?
It probably would have worked out better if your parents had the same mindset.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 17:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:17:34 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:31:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
pumpkin baby says SHLONGY IS FUNNIER THAN YOU! http://www.ubersite.com/m/80665
sorry, that was harsh
---
Shlongy isn't funny. At all. I know he'll reply by calling me a fag or something, but that's irrelevant. Shlongies are a dime a dozen on the internet, and the whole thing is played out. It's nothing original, it's not even anything interesting. It's not even good shock humor. It's just your generic homogonized internet tough guy schtick that I got sick of years ago. He's the internet version of a prop comic.
----
i realise that. thats why i told somebody who isnt funny(the person that wrote this post), that the most unfunniest person on this site is funnier than her. then, to drive the point home, i said "that was harsh" because lets face it buddy, shlongy isnt funnier than anybody. for somebody who thinks he's such a comedian, you have no sense of humor when it comes to people joking with you. and by "you" i mean "your friend" that wrote this post. she cant reply??
Submitted by dr_weazel (user info) at 2006-05-29 16:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The world is overpopulated enough.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:02:47 (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm not saying that she's not funny, she just can't write."
She needs help with her writing. Anyone who doesn't think Katie's funny can turn to the post of hers I put on my name ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/82960 ) or any of the posts she helped me write. ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/88391 ).
Katie wrote the Bulk of The Story of JALA ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/85819 ) and I more or less just typed and polished. All Katie needs to learn to do is write the jokes well and she'll do really well here.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
If she wrote the nam story then I'll give her the benefit of the doubt.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:17:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:31:21 (#)
Ranking: -2
pumpkin baby says SHLONGY IS FUNNIER THAN YOU! http://www.ubersite.com/m/80665
sorry, that was harsh
---
Shlongy isn't funny. At all. I know he'll reply by calling me a fag or something, but that's irrelevant. Shlongies are a dime a dozen on the internet, and the whole thing is played out. It's nothing original, it's not even anything interesting. It's not even good shock humor. It's just your generic homogonized internet tough guy schtick that I got sick of years ago. He's the internet version of a prop comic.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 15:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I'm not saying that she's not funny, she just can't write."
She needs help with her writing. Anyone who doesn't think Katie's funny can turn to the post of hers I put on my name ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/82960 ) or any of the posts she helped me write. ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/88391 ).
Katie wrote the Bulk of The Story of JALA ( http://www.ubersite.com/m/85819 ) and I more or less just typed and polished. All Katie needs to learn to do is write the jokes well and she'll do really well here.
Submitted by rosemadder (user info) at 2006-05-29 14:32:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Learn how to spell BABIES.
Submitted by damage.com (user info) at 2006-05-29 14:28:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
HEY DAMMIT, IT'S MY TURN TO BE THE ALTER!
Submitted by BadAssJulie (user info) at 2006-05-29 14:08:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I don't like children but this was lame.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
pumpkin baby says SHLONGY IS FUNNIER THAN YOU! http://www.ubersite.com/m/80665
sorry, that was harsh
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:12:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
not funny what so ever
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-29 13:10:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:41:51 (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:36:09 (#)
Ranking: -1
Only one that was semifunny was 7. Spencer teach her/your alter how to write.
---
Katie just needs to learn how to convert her ideas into writing. She's hilarious, and I still say she's funnier than 90% of the people on Ubersite, she's just never been one to actually write jokes down before, so I don't think it's coming naturally.
Some of you ARE total dicks though. You guys know that, right?
---
I'm not saying that she's not funny, she just can't write.
Submitted by matnotharry (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck off. That is all.
Submitted by Mario (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:48:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm going to have at least 10 children so in case a few end up like you, at least 1 or 2 will be decent. They'll be like little Mario franchises. Contribute your womb, wench.
Honestly though, babies aren't that bad. Once you're out of the "everything is me" phase of 17, your biological clock will tick and you'll jump on Electro's bones. Or Shlongy's.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:36:09 (#)
Ranking: -1
Only one that was semifunny was 7. Spencer teach her/your alter how to write.
---
Katie just needs to learn how to convert her ideas into writing. She's hilarious, and I still say she's funnier than 90% of the people on Ubersite, she's just never been one to actually write jokes down before, so I don't think it's coming naturally.
Some of you ARE total dicks though. You guys know that, right?
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2006-05-29 12:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
5. A living thing grows inside you when you're pregnant. You know what else grows inside people? CANCER.
...and you have two number 5's
Submitted by CookieLass (user info) at 2006-05-29 11:37:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Who in their right mind would want that? Douche bags, that's who."
HAHAAHAHAHAHAHAAAA
Submitted by GodChicken (user info) at 2006-05-29 11:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you'll never have a baby because you're a fucking idiot and your boyfriend won't even punch you in the cunt.
http://www.myspace.com/skinnylittlegirl <---- don't forget to leave her a nice message guys.
Submitted by toni_tori (user info) at 2006-05-29 11:14:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 die.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2006-05-29 09:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You'll also have to find someone to fuck you, although it probably wouldn't be too diificult, with all the losers on Uber lining up.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:37:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wouldn't it be wonderful if your parents had felt the same?
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:36:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Only one that was semifunny was 7. Spencer teach her/your alter how to write.
Submitted by Doodles (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:27:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-29 06:33:14 (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, humans are fairly ridiculous when it comes to offspring. Look at any other species in the world, and their young become self sufficient in one or two years. But humans take anwhere from 15 to 18 years. Ludicrous. How have we survived?
---
Because in several other species, the parents eat the children if they don't leave home?
Auto +2 for tarnation, who needs to get the sand out of his vagina.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2006-05-29 07:07:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Awful awful awful
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2006-05-29 06:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You know, humans are fairly ridiculous when it comes to offspring. Look at any other species in the world, and their young become self sufficient in one or two years. But humans take anwhere from 15 to 18 years. Ludicrous. How have we survived?
Submitted by Bundaberg (user info) at 2006-05-29 04:23:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thank God you'll never have a baby, gets you out of the gene pool.
Submitted by moneyshotforyou (user info) at 2006-05-29 03:24:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OK, Let us have babyless sex all the time and we will never have to worry about that stuff. I can sell my testicals to the guy who posted his little dick pissing (because I am sure he needs bigger balls too) and you can sell your ovaries to whomever payes the best. It will be a match born in heaven. I am good at "the sex". At least according to the local alter boy.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 03:24:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:06:54 (#)
Ranking: -2
If you can't already tell that this heap of shit is an alter, then you're way dumber than said alter.
Fuck you.
---
What the hell? Katie's not an alter. At all. Shut the fuck up.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2006-05-29 03:14:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Funny.
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:31:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
, said the 15-year-old girl from the confines of her room at the methadone clinic following her second abortion in as many years.
Submitted by tarnation (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
shutup eppliks you fag
shutup katie you slut
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:07:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fuck you.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:07:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Kinda like how I'm an alter.
Submitted by eppliks (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:06:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If you can't already tell that this heap of shit is an alter, then you're way dumber than said alter.
Fuck you.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2006-05-29 02:01:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Kill yourself.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2006-05-29 01:52:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
learn to swallow and you'll never have that problem
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2006-05-29 01:42:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Rock on.
Mandatory abortions.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2006-05-29 01:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You might change your mind once you live past 16.
Submitted by Wiggles (user info) at 2006-05-29 01:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
8. You're a gross pig.